Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

I smile. “I suppose it is the next best thing to singing.”

“Agreed.” He takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor. With his arms around me as we sway to the mellow jazz, I can’t help but wish this moment would never end. Somehow, it does seem to go on for a long time. Maybe it's because I am trying so hard to imprint it on my memory so that it never fades away. Maybe it's because it does go on for a while.

Maybe it's because I'm falling hard for this boy.

Mom calls me downstairs sometime in the middle of the afternoon the next day. Her voice carries a cheery tone that makes me think it has something to do with nursing.

I am partially right.

She left to get some groceries a few hours ago. I noticed it took her a little bit longer than usual but I figured she got to talking with someone she knew. That happens a lot when we go places. What she actually was doing with the extra time was unexpected.

She got me school supplies.

By school supplies, I mean everything I could possibly need for college. Notebooks of all sizes, every possible writing and highlighting utensil, binders and folders…the list could go on forever. I stand there agape and racked with guilt. Here my mom is putting forth all this effort to send her only daughter off to nursing school, the one thing she has been looking forward to even before I existed. And here I am completely going against her wishes by pursuing something that may not get me anywhere in life. I'm not worthy of this kind of treatment.

She says, “I needed to pick up a few things for Kaitlin, so I thought I should kill two birds with one stone. I wasn’t sure what you needed, so I figured I would just get you a little bit of everything. If you don’t need it, we can return it, or I could use it. Or you can even save it for next semester.”

I almost cringe at the word semester. I never signed up for any classes this fall. Whenever Mom would ask about it, I would just tell her I've got it all taken care of. Since my dad had set up a checking account for college, it wasn’t that hard to convince her. She must have come up with the supplies as an afterthought and decided not to ask me since I wasn’t giving her any details anyway.

What was I thinking when I started lying? I can’t let this go on much longer. The first semester starts in one month. I don’t deserve these supplies. I’m not going to use these supplies. I don’t know what my life is going to be after my semester off. I don’t know what is going on with my sewing projects yet. I don’t even know what I want to go to college for when I do start going. And didn’t I say something about working for a few months?

I don’t know what is happening to me, but it's entirely my fault.

My mom is now staring at me. “Adrienne, honey…is everything all right? You haven’t said a word.”

I blink a few times. “Sorry, I'm just in shock. I can’t believe you did all this.”

“I just want to make sure that you were prepared for everything. What do you think? Did I overdo it?” The expression on her face is akin to the pride a parent would have if their child were accepted into Harvard.

Despite the remorse running through my veins, I don’t break down and tell her the truth. I keep seeing her face from the day I first disappointed her. It still haunts me. I don’t know how I am going to tell her. I'm beginning to think I made a mistake by quitting. It is probably just the guilt talking, since the idea of nursing still makes me feel a bit nauseated.

I push a smile through. “No. You didn’t overdo it. Thank you, Mom.”

Kaitlin walks into the kitchen and sees all the supplies all over the counter. Her eyes widen. “Did you buy the whole store?”

Mom chuckles. “No, sweetie. I got some stuff for you and Adrienne for school. Oh!” She holds up a finger and reaches over to pull a book out of one pile. She hands it over to Kaitlin. “I found this as I was browsing through the books today and thought of you.” It's one of those cutesy animal photo books featuring horses.

The way Kaitlin looks at it seems like disbelief. “Oh, thanks,” she says unenthusiastically. She gives my mom a smile and leaves the room.

My mom stands there unsure of how to take Kaitlin’s words. She sighs. “I thought she would like it.”

“She did.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know how to relate to her sometimes.”

“I bet it’s just the fact that it is school supply shopping time again already. It happens earlier and earlier every year.”

“You’re probably right.” I know she is trying to hide it, but I can see the hurt in her eyes. It's hard for me to witness the struggle she faces trying to be the mom figure in Kaitlin’s life, especially since Kaitlin has never really had a mom figure.

I help her put all the supplies out of the way to free up counter space for making dinner and then go upstairs.

I peek into Kaitlin’s room to find her looking at the horse book and I smile. “Hey,” I say. “Is everything okay?”

She jumps at the sound of my voice, and then quickly sets the book aside. “Yeah, everything is fine.”

“Doesn’t sound like everything is fine to me.”

She presses her lips together. “I don’t want to take lessons anymore,” she says quietly.

There it is, the answer to her reaction to the book and one of the moments I have been expecting and wanting to get to the bottom of. Finally. “Oh,” I say, pretending to be surprised. “Why not?”

“I just don’t want to.”

“Huh.”

“What?”

“Well, it just seemed like you were really into it the first few weeks. I’m surprised to see you not want to go.” I shrug. “I mean, you love horses, don’t you?”

She absentmindedly touches her fingers to the cover of the book. “Yeah, I do love horses.”

“It just doesn’t make any sense why you would quit doing something when you love it.”

She purses her lips and leans her head back against the headboard. “I guess that wouldn’t make any sense.” She sighs. “Fine, I’ll think about it more before I quit.”

I give her a half smile. “That’s good.” I am glad I was able to convince her to keep going, since I know it does make her happy. I know something is wrong though. Something is going on there that is making her unhappy, although I have no idea what it could be. I wish she would just tell me what it is. Maybe I could help her.

If only she would let me.

John has been sober for twenty days, which is a record I hope he will be continuing. Chevy has been spending more time with him after work. Whenever he talks about his father now, I can hear the smile in his voice. Things are improving. They are not perfect by any means, he is still struggling with his addiction, but they are improving. It’s day by day.

As of the end of today’s efforts, I have now stockpiled several items that I have created. I have six purses, six wallets, and six billfolds. Three sets are made with a pink and purple swirling pattern, and the rest are with a blue and brown polka dot pattern. I'm very proud of them and can’t wait to get them in that store.

When I pick Kaitlin up, she is definitely not herself. She doesn’t say much of anything to me. Later on, she tells her dad that Paige isn’t taking riding lessons anymore, so she doesn’t want to. Maurice tells her that it's fine. She's not telling the truth, I can tell. Even though she and I have been getting along so well, I still have some lingering doubts that she will open up if I ask what is going on. Not only that, but who am I to question what the truth is when I can’t own up to it myself?

While I gaze at the ceiling, the ringing of my phone breaks through the reverie. “How am I going to balance everything?” Lyndsay says frantically.

“Huh?”

“How am I going to balance everything?” she repeats. “Sure, I’m going to get a reprieve for the two weeks before school starts. But how about when school starts? How am I going to fit everything in?”

“What’s everything? Don’t you just have school?”

“No. I’m still going to be working at the store.”

“Oh,” I say in surprise. “I thought it was just a summer thing.” I have gotten better at pretending as if I don’t know what is going to happen. Although it sometimes sounds a little fake when I think about it later on in my head.

“That was the original plan but not anymore. I can’t afford to pay for school without some sort of income, Adrienne. Especially after I went to the bookstore and found out I’ll be plunking down three hundred dollars on textbooks.”

Crap. I forgot about textbooks. Mom is going to be asking me about that at some point. She'll probably want to see them too. I could just say I haven’t gotten them yet, but she would freak out since it's so close to school starting. Or maybe…I could just tell her the truth? I rest my free hand on my face in frustration. “I’m sorry, Lynds.”

She sighs and mutters, “Sometimes I wish I could just skip it all and become a nurse’s aide instead.”

Faith wouldn’t care if she did that, but I know Lyndsay would regret it in the long run. “You could do that, but that's taking the easy way out. You and I both know that you aren't one to back down from a challenge.”

“That might be true but between classes, studying, and working, I'm not going to have any free time. When am I going to see you or Ben or my mom?” she whines.

“You’ll see us.”

“No, I won’t!” Her sudden anger causes me to jolt. “I’m going to be too tired to go anywhere because I will be up all night reading and studying and if I would be able to spare a moment you guys will think I’m a party pooper because I’m exhausted and don’t feel like doing anything fun and you won’t want to be around me anyway!”

Whoa. I don't remember her being this upset. “Lyndsay,” I interject before she can continue. “You need to calm down.”

“Calm down? I can’t calm down!” she snaps.

I need to diffuse the bomb. “Yes, you can,” I say in a steady voice. “Just for a second. Take in a few deep breaths. And listen to me.”

She takes in a deep breath, as I asked. “Okay, I’m listening,” she says, clearly aggravated at my request.

“I understand where you’re coming from. I'm not in the same predicament as you but I'm still undecided about my future. That is never a good thing in this career-driven world. We all need to work to pay the bills. For most of us, it requires some sort of education. For some of us, it requires some sort of job to pay for school. But it doesn't mean that we'll have no life outside of it.”

“Why does it feel like it?”

“Because this is all brand new to us. It's overwhelming to think about the future when we don't know what will happen. We imagine the worst things and assume that's how it's going to be.”

“So I'm overreacting?”

“Maybe. Look, this is just the first semester. You've always been smart and capable of handling yourself in stressful situations.”

“I guess so. But what about hanging out with everyone?”

“We'll find a way. We’ve been able to this summer, haven’t we?”

“Yeah, we have,” she concedes with a sigh. “You’re right, Adrienne. I’m just thinking too much.”

“And I thought I was the only one who did that.”

“Yeah, right.” She lets out a nervous chuckle. “Speaking of your future, when are you going to tell her?”

“Soon.”

“Not soon enough.”

“I know. It’s even worse since the supplies.”

“This is why you need to tell her.”

“I will as soon as I establish something. I am going on Saturday to Hidden Treasures. Once I do that, then I can tell her and explain what I’ve been doing in the meantime.” Maybe it will soften the blow. Maybe. It's hard to tell. “Let’s just hope she’ll let me have a spot.”

“I don’t see why she wouldn’t. Especially once she sees your work.”

“I’m glad you believe in me, Lynds.”

“I have no reason why I shouldn’t. I may not think this whole charade is the greatest of ideas given the way your mom feels, but I do believe that you can achieve anything you set your mind to.”

“Same goes for you with classes and work this fall. If you can handle the volunteer job and the store work now, you can handle anything else life throws at you.”