Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

She frowns. “I wouldn’t say that. She and I have been able to get along regardless of my choices. The obstacle is the two of you being stubborn.”

I make a face. “I’m not stubborn. I just know that I don’t want what she wants.”

She shakes her head. “No, Adrienne. You are stubborn. You lived in your mother’s shadow for years, and then you decided to think for yourself. The day you did that was when you became stubborn. At least, in your mother’s eyes.”

I consider this a moment. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be a nurse; it was because she and I were too similar. That similarity put us at odds when we had opposite views. “So, since I’m no longer a passive child, she doesn’t know what to do?”

Faith nods. “She is in shock essentially, and her initial response to that shock is to fight. It’s a new side to you that she never expected to see. I don’t think she likes it much. However, once the shock wears off, she is going to remember that you are her daughter and she loves you no matter what.” She reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze. “She’ll get over it soon.”

“Just a little over one week and then my baby girl will be starting high school,” Maurice says after dinner. It was a pleasant meal, as it has been since the argument on Saturday. My mom and I seem to have some sort of unspoken truce in place. The fighting will only cause more tension and nobody wants that.

Kaitlin gives a hint of a smile as we gather up our plates and silverware. Maurice continues and asks, “You getting excited?”

Her partial smile fades into a frown. “Not really.”

Maurice chuckles. “You don’t have anything to worry about. High school is a lot like middle school, just in a bigger building.” He turns to me. “You just made it through, Adrienne. Tell her.”

I look over at her and say, “It’s not bad. There are times when it feels like too much to handle but you will survive. Trust me.” I smile. “Besides, you have friends like Paige, and you’re going to make plenty more as the years go by.”

She doesn’t respond immediately. “Yeah,” she says dejectedly.

I know that the way they portray high school in television and movies probably has her worried about friends and classes. It probably isn’t helping her watching The O.C. constantly. Despite that thought, I still suggest watching more of it with her. She replies, “Maybe tomorrow. I have a book I want to finish.”

Hiding my worry, I say, “Okay. Tomorrow sounds good to me.”

When she goes to her room and closes the door, all I want is to open it up and ask her what is bothering her, but I don’t. She will let me know when she is ready.

I sigh and go to my room. I don’t really feel like sitting around in here the rest of the night. I send Chevy a message to meet me at the coffee shop. Half an hour later, we're in line ordering iced coffees. I glance at the chalkboard sign on the counter and see that karaoke is this Saturday. It makes my stomach clench to think about it.

He notices me looking at it and asks, “Thinking about singing that song for me?”

I look away from the sign. “Maybe.”

He taps my arm. “Hey, what’s wrong? You don’t have to sing if you don’t want to sing, you know.”

“I know.”

He lets out a sigh. “What makes it so hard for you?”

I slowly make eye contact with him again. Should I tell him? We have opened up about so many things that he deserves to know this too. “Back in fifth grade, we had this recital. I got up in front of, like, two hundred people to sing a solo. I was so nervous my heart was racing. I didn’t look at the audience when I started singing. Everything was fine, until I looked up. My voice trailed off and my knees locked into place. That’s when I fainted.” I close my eyes. “Nobody really remembers it now but every time the idea of singing alone comes up, the feeling associated with that moment stirs up inside of me and I freak out.”

He touches my arm gently. “I’m sorry for trying to push you into it.”

“You didn’t push for anything. Besides, it’s not like you knew.” I look back at the sign. “One of these days I’ll just do it.” I lightly shove his shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re there for it.”

He grins. “Promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

As we walk down the street with our drinks, I fill him in on what transpired over the weekend.

“Everything will work out eventually,” Chevy says.

“I know,” I say with a sigh.

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

“I wouldn’t say that.” I sneak a glance and see a smirk on his face.

“Because it sounds like you don’t.”

“Okay, maybe I don’t believe it,” I admit, “but I believe you.” I smile sweetly.

He smiles back. “You’ve been telling me the same about my dad. Turns out you were right, despite the fact that I kept believing it was all going to fall apart.”

It hits me suddenly how important we are to each other. Our friendship over this summer has managed to keep both of us from losing our minds. Everything we have been going through, he has been there for me as much as I have been for him. It has drawn us closer. I didn’t have that with him when we were in school. I didn’t have that with him when I abandoned him over the summer.

I didn’t really have him until now.

“Adrienne?”

I break out of my reverie and turn to him. “Yes?”

He chuckles. “Where did you go just now?”

I shake my head. “Just somewhere in my head.”

“Where in your head?”

“The part that is extremely grateful to have you in my life.”

He reaches over and puts his arm around my shoulder, holding me close as we walk. “That feeling is mutual.”

I wrap my arm around his waist. “Good to know.”

Regardless of the truce, I spend the day over at Lyndsay’s to avoid any potential accidental battle at home. My mom is working a rare late shift due to a schedule change. Instead of being home in the evening when Maurice is home, she is there during the day. I didn’t think Kaitlin was enough of a buffer zone to prevent any fights, so I opted to go elsewhere. I felt bad about leaving Kaitlin by herself, but she has still been acting a little weird and I didn’t want to push her too much. I figure she just needs a bit of space right now.

Lyndsay is going through her college schedule online while I lie on the bed. She has some mellow music going and it makes me want to fall asleep. I nearly do, but then I hear a faint sound through the window that causes me to jump straight up.

The sound of a siren.

A chill runs up my spine. “What is today?” I ask.

Lyndsay looks at the calendar on her wall. “The twentieth. Why?”

I turn to the calendar and confirm that it is the twentieth. My eyes widen in horror. The accident.

She stares, brows furrowing. “Adrienne. What is it? Is something wrong?”

This can’t be happening. I talked to John—everything should be fine.

“Seriously, Adrienne, what is wrong? You’re beginning to scare me.”

I snap back into reality. She doesn't know what I know, and she can’t find out. I can’t possibly tell the truth. I shake my head and quickly reply, “Sorry…I was just thinking about Kaitlin. I should get home to her. That’s all.”

“Hmm.” She doesn’t believe me. I'm about to crack when she sighs and says, “Okay, I’ll see you later then.”

I give her a quick hug and head out the door. Hurrying down the street, I have fallen into full-blown disbelieving panic. There is no way this is happening. It has to be some sort of trick of my mind. The ambulance is going to another house. It is not at the Thompsons' house. It is just not possible.

Turning the corner onto Chevy’s street, the ambulance is in front of his house. My stomach sinks to my feet as I stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk. My breath catches in my throat. My worst fear has happened.

My second chance has been stomped on by fate.

My hands fly up to my mouth and I hold back a cry. I watch, helpless, as the paramedics carry John out of the house on a gurney and place him in the back of the ambulance. Chevy and his mother run out the door after them.

I freeze up, realizing I should not be here. I should not know about the significance of today. There is no logical reason for me to be standing here. None. But I can’t just stand here. And I can’t run away.

“Chevy!” I yell as I run to him. He turns his head and stares in disbelief. I close the space between us, taking hold of his arms. I ask, “What happened?”

His breath is uneven. “My…my dad. We were...we were eating dinner when he grabbed his chest.” He stops, looking to the house. “He fell to the floor. They...they think he had a heart attack.”

A heart attack. Of all the things…

Noreen takes hold of Chevy’s shoulders and touches the side of his face, saying, “I’m riding in the front. I called Seymour and he’s on his way to meet us there. Will you be able to drive there by yourself?”

Chevy is not only at a loss for words but he's also shaking. He is in no shape to be driving. I speak up, “If he can’t, I can drive him, Noreen.”

She looks relieved. “Thank you. Chevy, get the keys to my car. I will see you there.” She climbs into the front seat of the ambulance.

I grab Chevy’s hand and we run into the house. He finds her keys in the bowl on the table next to the door.

We drive to the hospital in near silence. I speed, but only slightly since I can’t stop looking over at him. His right hand is gripping the handle on the door so tightly his knuckles are turning white. The rest of him is shaking. Slowing down, I reach over and take his trembling hand in mine. He looks down at it, then to me. I squeeze his hand, and then turn my eyes back to the road.

When we get there, we run into the emergency room so quickly I don’t get the chance to brace myself for the smell. It hits me like a wall, causing me to stop. But I can’t stop now.

Not now.

Chevy stares at me. “Are you okay?” he asks, clearly concerned. He knows why I stopped.

This doesn’t matter though. John matters. Chevy matters. And he needs me.

I stare at him, holding my hand to my chest. Breathe in, breathe out. I can do this. I can do this. I need to push through the pain to help someone I care about. One deep breath later and I am in control. I take hold of Chevy’s arm and say, “I’m fine,” as I guide us to the nurse’s station. Noreen is nowhere in sight in the waiting room. She must be with John.

The nurse behind the counter turns out to be one of my mom’s hospital friends, Teresa. When she sees me, the expression on my face must scare her. “Adrienne! What’s wrong?”

I take in another deep breath and ask, “We’re looking for the man who was just brought in. John Thompson. Possible heart attack.” Chevy holds onto me tighter.

Teresa gasps. “Oh my,” she says. “They just took him in and the doctors are working on him now.”

I nod. “Okay. Where is the woman who came in with the paramedics?”

Chevy speaks up. “Yes, where's my mom?”

She looks to the double doors. “She's in there with them.”

Chevy leans on the counter and says, “Can we go back there? Please. I need to see him.”

Teresa gets a pained look on her face. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I can’t let anyone else back there.”

“But he’s my father!”

“Let me see what I can do, honey.” She picks up the phone and dials. “Please, have a seat,” she says, gesturing toward the waiting room. “I’ll call out for you when I get a hold of somebody.”

Chevy doesn’t move, so I tap his arm and say, “Come on,” taking him with me to the chairs. Just as we sit down, the double doors open and Noreen appears. We both stand up immediately. One look at Noreen’s face tells us all we need to know.

John didn’t make it.

* * *

When they let Chevy and his mom go back to say goodbye, I sit there in disbelief. Everything I had worked toward. Everything I had maneuvered. Everything I had done.

It all just vanished when John drew his last breath.

A couple of minutes go by, and then I see someone in teal scrubs walk toward me. It's my mom. Teresa must have paged her. She kneels down in front of me, wrapping me in a hug. I blink a couple times, not realizing until this moment that my eyes are ready to overflow. I choke out, “He died,” right before the tears spill out. I reach my arms around her, gripping tightly.