Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

“You look fine,” I assure her. “There’s a nice little bounce to your hair.”

“Good. Whenever my hair loses its volume I look older.”

We all smile as Maurice takes the picture. “I like you no matter what your hair looks like, dear.”

“Thank you, hon.” She takes the camera from him. “Okay, let's eat so we can get going. I want to get there as early as possible.”

After a quick lunch, we head out to the car, my heart pumping double time. This car is taking me to my school, where I am going for my graduation ceremony, and at this function, I will be seeing all of my classmates. Including Chevy. The boy who didn’t want me around. The boy who was the love of my life. Scratch that—is the love of my life.

And I may be able to have him back in my life.

The car ride almost felt like I was in a movie I’ve seen before. I could almost quote what was going to happen next. It kept the reality of what was happening firmly fixed in my mind. The only thing different was my extremely heightened nerves. My mind began to wander over the possibilities to the point where I felt like I was having a panic attack. Since when do I have panic attacks? What are you supposed to do for those? Hold on, is somebody talking?

“Adrienne!”

The tone of my mother’s voice interrupts my trance, causing me to jump. “Hmm?” I ask as casually as possible.

Mom's not convinced. She turns around to face me, worry on the edges of her eyes. “Are you okay, Adrienne? You seem a bit distracted.”

I shake my head and put on a smile. “I’m fine.”

She tilts her head. “Are you sure? You’ve been confused all morning.”

Kaitlin scrunches her nose and asks, “Confused all morning?”

Mom says, “She told me she thought your room was purple yesterday.”

“Why would my room be purple?” Kaitlin asks me.

While I was gone, Kaitlin out of the blue decided her room needed a makeover. Apparently, the pink walls weren’t mature enough anymore. I can’t say this though. I shrug my shoulders. “I have no idea. I must have had a dream that you painted it. My mind is playing tricks on me.” I wonder how long I can play that card before they start to wonder about my sanity. I’m guessing not long considering how well I am doing so far.

Kaitlin taps a finger on her chin. “That’s actually not a bad idea.”

“It’s not?” asks Maurice as he peeks back at her through the rearview mirror.

“I’d like to paint my room a new color. I’ve been wanting to repaint my room! Could I, Dad? Please?” She bounces a little bit in her seat with her hands clasped together.

He smiles. “Sure, pumpkin. I don’t see why not.”

My mom seems reluctant. “I don’t have the time to help her paint with my work schedule.”

“I’m sure either Adrienne or I could help,” Maurice says, not realizing what my mom’s words meant.

Mom looks at us, unsure of what transpired. It's slightly amusing to see how the subject was changed so quickly. I don’t think she likes it. She faces forward as we pull into the school parking lot. “We can talk more about it later.” She forces a smile. That is her standard response when she doesn’t want to talk about something anymore. The discussion usually doesn’t come up again for another week or two. She hopes postponing it will give sufficient time for you to change your mind. I heard it last when I chose to live with Dad.

I'm barely out of the car when I spot Lyndsay. She is running to me in her gown, holding on to her cap to keep it from flying off. She tackles me in a hug. I start laughing when I realize I should have braced myself.

“O-M-G! Can you believe it’s here?” she says. When I squeeze her a little more than normal, she taps the back of my head and says, “Holy crap, girl! You're acting like you haven't seen me in a billion years.” It had been too long since I had seen her. When I moved, I didn't come back for any visits, and when I had come back the day after the funeral, the only people I saw were my family and Chevy.

“I missed your exaggerations,” is out of my mouth before I realize it. Oops.

“I was exaggerating up a storm yesterday. Were you not paying attention? Or were you too busy thinking about something else?” Then she whispers, “Or somebody else?” She sticks out her tongue. She didn't even bat an eyelash. Apparently, my words were chalked up to silliness due to unhealthy crushes.

“Ha ha,” I reply and stick my tongue out back at her.

“Adrienne, don’t stick your tongue out like that in public,” my mom whispers.

“She started it,” I tell her. Lyndsay just stands there grinning.

Mom ignores me and turns her attention to Lyndsay. “Congratulations, sweetie,” she says as she gives her a hug. “Where’s your mother?”

“Already inside saving seats for everyone. Where’s your dad?” she asks me.

I say, “He’s running late.”

Mom gives me a look. “How did you know that?” Oops again.

How did I know that? “Oh, I, uh, just guessed.” That sounded convincing. It's true that my dad can sometimes run late though. If I'm going to be reliving the past, I still need to remember that I don't know many of these things just yet. Jumping the gun on these things is going to get me branded as a psychic, or more likely a psychotic.

She shrugs her shoulders. “Good guess, then.” I release the breath I didn’t notice I was holding.

Lyndsay says, “I still can’t believe West Haven had to schedule their graduation ceremony at the same time as ours. I won’t be able to see Ben until tonight.” She pouts. She and Ben met at one of the fall football games. West Haven and Hamilton have been rivals ever since their founding. It wasn't the first time rivals started dating, but it was the first time that a couple stayed together this long. He's just the right kind of funny and treats her like a princess. In my books, that's all that matters.

I say, “You can always count on them to pull a stunt like this.”

“But the only people they’re punishing are us! The rest of our classmates couldn't care less.”

I put my arm around her shoulder. “At least you’ll have pictures.”

She smiles. “I guess so.”

My mom looks at her watch and sighs. “Your father will just have to see you afterward. You both need to be in your places soon. Put on your cap and gown. We should head inside.”

I pull the gown on over my head. She sets the cap on straight, making sure not to mess up my hair. There's no way she would let me be on display without being perfect. “Okay.” Then she holds up her finger. “Hold on, let me take a picture!” Lyndsay and I give each other a look.

As we walk into the auditorium, I spot all of my classmates with their families. I never thought I'd be seeing most of them again. Very few choose to stay in this small town; most move on to bigger things, or at least, anywhere but here. I see Chevy in the distance and my heart skips a beat. It’s strange how little control you have over your reactions when placed in certain situations. He looks so handsome in his dress shirt and tie. I had almost forgotten how much I…

My thought trails off when I see his family…including his father.

I have to look away. It's almost too much to handle at this point. Too surreal. He's still alive. Not just that, but I have realized that I overlooked something more important than making amends.

I can save a life.

Forget panic attacks, I am about to pass out in the middle of this auditorium.

Lyndsay notices the change and asks, “Hey, are you okay? You seem a little pale.”

I nod. “Yeah. Just need to get a little bit of water in me.” This is overwhelming. I doubt a little bit of water will help but I’ll try. “Mom, I’m going to get a drink of water and find my spot. I’ll see you after the ceremony.”

“Okay, dear.” She gives me a kiss on the forehead. “Don’t drink too much. You don’t need to be getting up in the middle of it. The ceremony lasts a long time.”

Yes, I remember. “Okay, Mom.” Lyndsay and I walk down the hall to the drinking fountain.

After I take a quick sip, she asks, “Are you nervous?”

“No. Why would I be?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know. You almost seemed like you saw a ghost back there.”

My body involuntarily freezes at the accuracy of her statement. For a second, I almost believe that she knows. She does know me well. You don’t spend years with somebody without being able to tell when something is off.

“My mind is just playing tricks on me, that’s all,” I reply. I keep saying that. Part of me wishes my mind were just playing a trick on me. That this was all just a dream. That I don't have to relive that moment. The one moment. That moment that I made the choice to tell Chevy my feelings. The piece that started the domino effect.

I shake off my nerves and say, “Come on,” as I grab her by the arm and lead us back to the auditorium. There's no point in standing around thinking about the past. I have nothing but my future ahead of me. Even if it is possibly happening again. “Let’s graduate.”

It almost does seem like a dream when I'm getting my diploma and moving that tassel for the second time. A calm comes over me during the speech and while waiting in line to cross the stage. However, once the ceremony is over a wave of unease overcomes me. I know what is supposed to be next. I know who will be coming. I know what will happen. I don’t want to face that again.

Facing him then was hard enough. What came after was almost worse…

Him, saying something to the effect of “talk to you later.” Me, nodding, although I barely register his words. All I can see is him…walking away. All I can think is…he’s gone.

Back then, I couldn’t cry, but thinking about it now causes me to tear up. I will myself to hold them in. Sure, it’s graduation day and I should be crying tears of mixed emotions. I want to act as though everything is normal. Even though I want to escape.

Suddenly, he's approaching me.

An intensity of feelings mingles with my unease. All of the horrible things that happened yesterday start to unravel. They fall to the ground and people crush them beneath their feet. Yesterday becomes a dream. I can’t remember anything but his sweetness, I can’t hear anything but his charming words, and I can’t see anything but his handsome self. I begin to think that maybe, just maybe, anything is possible. I don’t feel the need to escape. I have control over what will happen next. I can right what went wrong. I can pick that domino up and move it somewhere else.

He finally reaches me, pulling me in for a tight hug, lifting me up. “Congratulations, Adrienne!” The uneasy feeling dissipates entirely as I let the warmth and strength of his arms wash over me. I hold on to him just as tightly, not wanting the moment to end.

“Congratulations to you too!” I manage to say. I breathe him in, remembering him as he was those few months ago all over again. It throws me off balance to think about how he is here; he is hugging me and he is not mad at me. I can talk to him. Be around him. It's almost too much to bear. I start to tear up at how happy I am.

So much for acting normal.

When we let go, he takes one look at me and says, “Wow, I’m not leaving, you don’t need to cry.” He carefully wipes the tear away. He has a serious look on his face but I can see the corners of his mouth twitching with the urge to grin.

His playfulness puts me more at ease. I lightly punch him on the arm. “I’m starting to understand the whole theory behind the word bittersweet right now.” At least it’s easy to fake a reason behind the tears.

My mind comes to a standstill as it tries to come up with the words I should say next. This is where I spoke up. What should I say? My brain can't put a coherent thought together. The words from before circle my head but I brush them aside. I won't let them return this time around.

Before I am forced into appearing like a complete fool, he speaks up. “You’ve got that nursing home gig coming up soon, right?”

I nod. “Yeah, I do. It starts Monday.”

“Really? That soon?”

“Yep, that soon. It lasts ten weeks…just in time for college…in the fall.” I heave a sigh. Yesterday, I was going to college on Monday. Today, I will be volunteering at a nursing home on Monday. I am going backwards. The dread from last night has returned to me. What does it mean? Am I uncertain about my future? Or is it the rip in the space-time continuum that is creating this doubt?