Jessica Sankiewicz - If Only We

I spend the rest of the day browsing through Lyndsay’s college catalogs, something I have never done before. Although I’ve heard of most of these careers, it feels different looking at them now. I could do one of them, any of them. The possibilities are endlesstoo endless. Paralegal. Medical transcription. Social work. Teacher. Journalism. My head starts to spin. Can I see myself doing any of these?

When Lyndsay walks in, she finds me facedown on her bed. She throws her purse on my legs and I jump. I throw her a scowl and shove my face back down. She says, “You do realize how bizarre this is, don’t you?”

Bizarre? You have no idea, Lyndsay. No idea. I am eighteen years old and not only career-less but also struggling to pick out an alternative. I ask, “What is bizarre?” only it sounds like, “Wuhf ith bishare?” through the covers.

Her bed squeaks as she sits at the end by my feet. “Between the two of us, I never imagined that I'd be the one who went into nursing while you didn’t.”

I turn my face to the side and smile. “Life is funny that way.”

“How are you going to tell your mom?”

“I’m going to play the sympathy card and mention almost fainting.”

“That may work.”

“It probably won’t but I need to stay positive.”

She scoffs. “You’re doing a great job there.” I smack her thigh with my hand. “Ow! I was only teasing.” She rubs the spot where I hit her. “You didn’t miss much though. It was mostly a bunch of formalities, a tour of the place and where everything is... There isn’t too much I can do until I take the nurse’s aide course.”

“Well, at least you’ve got your foot in the door.”

“True. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. Guess what?”

“What?”

“I got an interview tomorrow at The Community Market.”

The Community Market is the small grocery store Ben works at. Ever since he started working there, Lyndsay has been hoping for the opportunity to apply. I almost forgot about her working there. “Really? That’s great, but won’t they be worried you two will be making out in the frozen-food section when you’re supposed to be at the register?”

“More likely the produce department,” she replies, not missing a beat. “It’s good the nursing-home work is only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, that way I have more availability. My mom told me the more flexibility I have, the better.” She picks at her finger. “I hope I get in. I could use the extra money for school this fall.”

“You do. I mean, you will. There’s no reason they won’t.”

“Thanks. Hey! Maybe you could work there too.”

I’m not sure my mom would be excited to hear that idea, but it's an option. “Maybe. I’ll ask.”

I stay there until I know my mom will be done with work. On the drive home I work on the speech I’ll give. With every stop sign and every turn, my nerves kick in more. The anxiety is keeping my mind from putting the right words in the right order. Mom, I know how much you want, I mean… Mom, on my walk down the hall I got dizzy and, wait… Mom, I don’t want to…

This isn’t coming out the way I want it to at all.

My mom is making dinner when I walk into the kitchen. I watch her stir sauce for a moment. It reminds me of the days before the divorce. Mom cooking dinner, dad kissing her cheek before he set the table. Simpler times when their daughter was too young to be concerned with college and only needed dolls to survive. Why can’t it just stay like that? Simple, with no complications. When she sees me, her whole face brightens, causing my stomach to sink. “Hi sweetie! I have been so anxious to see you.”

Funny, I’ve been anxious to see you too, just not for the same reason. I feign a smile, which fades when I smell what she’s making. “Is that…stuffing?”

“Yep! I decided to make you your favorite tonight in honor of your first day. Stuffing and ravioli with red sauce. What do you think?”

I look at the stove in an attempt to avoid her eyes. Out of all the nights she could do this, she had to pick this one. My stomach turns despite the delicious aroma. How can I tell her now? I turn back to her. “Mom, I need to tell you something,” I finally say.

“What is it, hon?” Her face holds a glow I have never seen. I can almost see the rays of light illuminate the room. What I am about to say will burn those lights out forever. She is looking at me expectantly. “Adrienne?”

Whatever the circumstances, it needs to be said. So I open my mouth and say it:

“Thank you, Mom. You’re the best.”

* * *

I can’t wait to go to my room. After chickening out at the last minute, I need some time alone to wrap my head around what I just did. I didn’t get the chance until after we all sat down to eat. My mom asked me how everything went. All I could mention were the little tidbits Lyndsay said in passing earlier. Thankfully, she didn’t probe much further. I had to pretend to be exhausted to get away.

Safely in my room with the door shut, I fall facedown into my pillow. “What have you done?” I grumble to myself. Seriously, what have I done? For starters, I lied. Not just a little lie either. Then I perpetuated it by telling more lies about what happened. What I need to do is come clean. Go downstairs and tell her the truth.

However, if I do that she will be more upset with me for faking. On top of that, she won’t trust me.

Why did I lie to her? I know why I lied. I couldn’t stand to see her hurt at the moment she seemed happiest. The crash from being that high up would have been devastating. Waiting certainly won’t change the devastation. Lying is a worse offense than quitting.

What am I going to do? I can’t tell her.

A light bulb comes on in my mind. What if… what if I don’t tell her? What if I pretend I'm still going while I set out to find myself? This way, she can stay happy and I can discover what I'm looking for without having her being upset weighing me down. Once I know what I want to do and begin to work toward that goal, then I can tell her. She may be upset at first but she is bound to come around when she sees my dedication.

It's not a flawless plan by any means. But somehow, it feels like the best option I have in front of me.

The first step in this plan is to get Lyndsay on board with the ruse. I'll say I’m meeting up with her in the morning so the two of us can “carpool.” Instead, I will be inside her house all day. What will I be doing while I'm there? I’m supposed to be searching out my career path. I haven’t quite figured the details of how yet. Something will come to me.

The harder part, aside from keeping it secret, will be getting Faith to go along with it. Due to their animosity, I wouldn’t want to add on the aiding and abetting of my lie to the things my mom dislikes about Faith. I'd have to convince her that I would take full responsibility. Faith may know what I'm doing, but since I am an adult, my mom should not hold it against her.

The hardest part? Not screwing it up this time around.

I send Lyndsay a text message when I wake up the next day for her to come over later on so I can talk to her about something. She asks what it's about but I don’t tell her any details. It’s better not to have any written proof floating around in the digital world.

After I take care of some chores around the house, I ask Kaitlin if she wants to watch some more episodes. I cross my fingers that she will because I cannot stand being in my head any longer. It has become a whirlwind that keeps trying to suck me down into a pit without a way to climb up. I need a distraction, even if for a few hours.

She says, “Just a couple. I have a book I want to finish.”

I always saw her reading but never bothered to see what it was. “What book?” I ask.

“It’s called What My Mother Doesn’t Know.”

I brighten up. “I read that.”

Her eyes widen. “Really?”

I can’t blame her for the surprise. Reading for pleasure is something I haven’t done much of in the last year. I nod. “I picked it up at the school library a couple years ago. It was different than what I’m used to but I really liked it.”

A smile slowly appears on Kaitlin's face. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I would like a story written in poems. I almost didn’t get it but I’m glad I did.”

It may seem like such an ordinary thing, having a book in common, but it feels like more. This is something she and I didn’t share before. When my mom and her dad started seeing each other, it was new for both of us. For me, it was the first time I saw my mom with somebody other than my dad. For Kaitlin, it had been just her and her dad for years. Her mom left when she was six and she has never tried to communicate with Kaitlin since. I was never told much else. It broke my heart to think about somebody doing that to their own child. I got the impression that Kaitlin was okay with the way things were so I didn’t worry much.

Mom and Maurice got married last summer. Although we all moved into the same house, Kaitlin and I haven’t had much time to talk. I was busy with senior year—homework and studying and preparing for college. Until the TV show, we were lucky to talk at all. It never really felt like I had a sister. It felt more like a roommate, only she lived in the room across the hall.

Just before dinner, Lyndsay knocks on the front door. The second I open it, she bursts in. She is wearing her professional outfit: gray slacks along with a white button down. She says, “Guess what?”

“What?”

“I got the job!” she squeals with a big smile.

“Of course you did.”

She frowns. “Where’s the enthusiasm?”

“I’m sorry. I’ve got a lot on my mind.” I give her a squeeze. “I really am very happy for you.”

“Thanks. I would have been here earlier but I had some forms to fill out. Then I had to talk with the manager about my schedule. I start next Tuesday.”

“That’s cool.”

“So, what did you want to talk about?” She pauses and whispers, “Did last night not go over well?”

I glance over at the kitchen where my mom is. “It…everything went fine.”

She wipes the back of her hand across her forehead. “Oh, good. I was worried something wouldn’t go according to plan.”

“Actually…” I start to say when my mom walks into the room.

She stops mid-walk. “Oh, hello sweetie.”

“Hi, Aunt Joy! Guess what? I got a job at The Community Market.”

My mom’s eyebrows rise. “A job?”

“Yup. It sounds like they might need someone else too, since I can only take on a couple days. So that’s good news.”

I freeze. Oh no. I open my mouth to change the subject but my mom beats me. “Good news?” she asks with a wary glance in my direction.

“For Adrienne.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we were talking last night,” Lyndsay begins.

“About the job opening,” I interrupt. “You see, Lynds thought it would be a good idea for me to apply too. That way I could pay for more things on my own. I considered it for a minute but decided that it would be too much for me to do along with the volunteer work.”

Lyndsay stares at me dumbfounded. “Wha-huh?”

My mom nods. “That’s a wise decision, Adrienne. Maybe once you see how you handle your classes in the fall you can look into a part-time job in the spring.” She turns to Lyndsay. “You’re welcome to stay for dinner, dear. It’s all set, so come on in.” She walks back to the kitchen.

I heave a sigh of relief. “That was close.”

Lyndsay grabs at my arm. “I thought you talked to her.”

I put my hands over my face. “I was going to but I just couldn’t.”

“But you’re going to tell her?”

“Eventually…”

“What do you mean eventually?”

I touch her arm. “I can explain more after we eat. Just…pretend I’m still going for now. Please?”

“Okay, but only because you asked so politely.”

Later on in my room, I tell her all about my idea. She sits there silently as I talk. Then her forehead wrinkles and she finally says, “You know I’m willing to support you in your crazy endeavors. Even though I don’t think it is a good idea, I can’t tell you what to do. The problem is going to be getting my mom on board.”

“That’s the part I was most concerned with. The last thing I want is any more trouble between her and my mom. The bottom line is that this is my decision. If my mom wants to blame someone, it will have to be me, whether she likes it or not.”