Eliza Jane - In Too Deep

“It’s okay. I think we should talk about this.”

I wait for him to continue, my stomach tightening in knots. I’m not sure if he’s going to bring up our kiss in the hotel bathroom or the meltdown I had in the hallway after seeing his one-night-stand leaving. God, I’m pathetic.

“We pretended that kiss didn’t happen and I guess I feel like I need to explain why I stopped it.”

Awesome. The last thing I wanted to hear him put to words were: A) That he doesn’t feel that way about me, or B) That he isn’t attracted to me.

He clears his throat again, stalling. I’ve never heard him so unsure before. “It just didn’t feel right – doing that with you.”

I roll my eyes. What a dick. “Gee thanks. I know I don’t have one-tenth the experience that you do, but am I that bad of a kisser?”

He laughs lightly. “That’s not what I said.”

I’m more confused than before, but decide to let it go. Only, of course Colt doesn’t drop it.

“What I meant was that my typical mode of operation is…well, you know, probably not the most respectable, and I didn’t want to ruin what we have or use you like that.”

“Oh.” My stomach drops. I’m too speechless to say anything else. I want to ask him exactly what it is we have, but of course I’m too chicken.

“I have fun with you and didn’t want you to hate me, Taylor. So that’s why I stopped.”

“I could never hate you.” My voice shakes, betraying me. I know I’m completely vulnerable, breakable, and I would be putty in Colt’s hands, regardless if the outcome left me in a heartbroken mess afterwards.

“I’ve always been honest with girls about what I wanted and didn’t want. I was always very clear that I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but that never stopped them from thinking they’d be different, that they would be the one to change my mind.”

I lie back against my pillows and close my eyes, imagining Colt doing the same thing in his bed. “So you were worried that I’d fall for you or something?”

He laughs softly again, his breath coming through scratchy against the speaker. “Sorry, I sound like a dick, don’t I?”

“Little bit.” My voice is tight, mocking.

He laughs again. “I’ll make it up to you.”

“Yeah? How do you plan to do that?”

“Hm.” He considers it, quiet for a second. “Once you’re back, maybe we can do something, just the two of us. I’ll take you out. It’ll be fun.”

“Out?” I question, my voice full of surprise. I sit up in bed, waiting for his answer.

“Yes, out. You haven’t seen much of Connecticut.  We’ll go somewhere nice. I’ll make up for my testosterone induced behavior.”

“Like a date?” I question. Oh, God. Dumb question Taylor. Of course it’s not a date. Ugh.

“Yes, like a date.”

Wait, what? “I thought you were seeing Yes.”

“I’m not seeing anyone.”

Hm. I chew my bottom lip. I don’t want to be that girl. Yes was just in his bed– a bed that for all intents and purposes functioned much like a revolving door. “I’ll consider it.”

A hiss escapes through his clenched teeth.

He’s going to have to work for this – for me –and it isn’t something he’s used to. Colt’s never had to chase after anyone. I like the idea that I could be the first, however delusional I might be.

“I’m putting myself out there – asking you to go out with me Taylor, I think you should do more than consider it. Say yes.” His voice is low, commanding.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” His voice is higher than before. He sounds happy.

“Yeah. That sounds…pleasant.” Despite my best effort, I giggle. “What the hell have you done with Colt Palmer?”

“People can change, Taylor.” I can tell he’s smirking again.  “Taylor,” he breathes softly.

“Yeah?” I’m just as breathless.

“For the record, you’re not a bad kisser.”

My heart pounds against my rib cage, and my face breaks into a smile, but I stay quiet, barely able to breath, let alone speak.

“Taylor?” he says softly, again.

“Yeah?”

“Speaking of Internet porn, can I use your computer?”

That was the last thing I expected him to say. I should feel disgusted, but instead all my senses are humming. “Why?” I ask, my heart thumping erratically in my chest.

“It’s got a bigger monitor than mine.”

I shake my head. I don’t know if he’s being serious or messing with me, but either way I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to get that visual out of my head. “Sure. Just don’t get any love juice on my keyboard.”

“Will do. Night Taylor.”

“Night Colt.” There’s no way in hell I would be getting any sleep tonight. 

I lie back against my bed, unable to wipe the smile off my face from my conversation with Taylor. How does she get me to say the things I don’t even know I’m thinking? To admit feelings I didn’t know I had? That’s got to stop. And asking her out on a date? The lack of sex is totally fucking with my system. I swear I’m not thinking clearly. But still, I chuckle at the conversation. Her quick intake of breath when I asked if I could use her computer and all that it implied. I grin at my own cleverness.

She’s really getting under my skin. My normal response would be to get in, get out, and get on with my life. But somehow I knew once with Taylor wouldn’t be enough. And that scared the shit out of me. She’d want the whole white picket fence, soul mates and romance thing, and damn if this girl didn’t make me want to try. But I knew that was more than I could give. I was in way out of my league. But I’d never backed down from a challenge before. And I didn’t plan to start now.

I turn over in bed, punching the pillow into shape and lay back, hoping to get some sleep. Not going to happen.

My shoulders are tense, and all my senses are on high alert after talking to her. I pick up my phone with one thing on my mind – solving this problem – quenching this desire the only way I know how. I scroll through my contact list. I find Samantha, under Yes, and knowing nothing else will help me get my mind off things, I type out a text.

Come over tonight?

My thumb hovers over send. The last time she came over I found Taylor in the hall crying. Her eyes blazed deep navy when she cried and little hiccups racked her chest even after the tears stopped.

She isn’t here, I remind myself. She’ll never know if you’re with Samantha tonight. This used to be so easy. A frustrated growl rips through me and without thinking, I delete the text. I slam the phone down onto the table. This is going to be a long night.

My phone chimes with a new email. Half expecting it to be from Samantha, I’m surprised to see it’s from Taylor.

A smile tugs at my lips as read the subject line. I open it.

FROM: Taylor Beckett

TO: Colt Palmer

SUBJECT: Horny teenage boys

Mr. Palmer,

On second thought, I would not like you using my technology for your personal pursuits.

Zip up your pants.

I’ll wait.

Done?

Good.

Porn objectifies women and creates unrealistic expectations in men. I know that’s all we are to you, objects to play with, but someone’s got to teach you. And I will gladly take the job.

Go to bed.

Taylor.

I hit reply, but no there’s way I’m leaving that as the subject line. I chuckle to myself at her sassiness.

TO: Taylor Beckett

FROM: Colt Palmer

SUBJECT: Goodnight

Taylor,

If you think I need your computer to get off, you’re insane. I have an extensive bank of memories stored in my imagination.

BTW – I am your teacher, not the other way around.

Shall we discuss the terms of our date?

Colt

A few seconds later, my phone chimes with a new message. I sit up in bed and flip on my lamp.

TO: Colt Palmer

FROM: Taylor Beckett

SUBJECT: Re: Goodnight

Mr. Palmer,

I’m not sure it’s wise for me to go on a date with a teacher.

Taylor

I roll my eyes and hit reply.

TO: Taylor Beckett

FROM: Colt Palmer

SUBJECT: Re: Goodnight

Taylor,

Stop with the Mr. Palmer shit.

I stare down at my phone, but she doesn’t respond right away. Maybe I pissed her off. Maybe she’s changed her mind about going out with me. I’ve never tried so hard to win over a girl. This is strange, and entirely new to me.

My phone chimes with a new message.

TO: Colt Palmer

FROM: Taylor Beckett

SUBJECT: Re: Goodnight

Colt,

We’ll talk about the date when I get back.

Have fun with Yes tonight.

Taylor

I feel guilty for almost texting Samantha in a moment of weakness earlier. And now am relieved I didn’t. I sense she’s testing me, and for some reason I’m eager to pass her test. I hit reply.

TO: Taylor Beckett

FROM: Colt Palmer

SUBJECT: Re: Goodnight

Taylor,

Yes isn’t coming over tonight.

All alone in bed,

Colt

The phone chimes again and I open her next message, my eyes noting the subject line with a smirk.

TO: Colt Palmer

FROM: Taylor Beckett

SUBJECT: Your sexual health

Colt,

I’m concerned. Do you know how to handle being all alone at night? Why not just call her?

Taylor

I tap reply.

TO: Taylor Beckett

FROM: Colt Palmer

SUBJECT: Re: Your sexual health

Taylor,

It’s comforting to know you’re concerned about my sexual health, but I won’t be calling her tonight. I saw how much doing so upset you the last time and I don’t want to see you like that ever again. So tonight, I’ll suffer in silence. For you.

Goodnight.

Get some sleep.

Colt

I sit up straighter, realizing with absolute horror that what I typed is true, not just some shit to impress her. Cheap thrills are not worth hurting Taylor like that again. I have no idea what that means, but I have an uneasy feeling about it all the same.

I flip off the lamp, stuff the phone under my pillow and drift to sleep with a smile still on my lips.

* * *

In the morning, I’m sitting in McAllister’s office looking over the newest cases. Vera comes in with a tray balancing two steaming mugs of coffee.

“Thank you Vera. That’s all.” McAllister waves her off.

I treat her to a smile and she nods, backing out of the room.

With the two-week summer break, McAllister and I are busy securing new business for the months ahead. He’s obsessed with this oil tanker case, but I can’t figure out his motivation. It’s a ship in the middle of the ocean. He says he just wants to test Taylor’s skills. I’m not sure I believe him.