Without another word, I turn and walk out of the alley to find Kaylie waiting for me. She slides an arm around my waist and helps me to the car. When she gets in, she starts the engine then turns to me. She places the small stuffed animal in my hands. The feel of the plush material is my undoing, and the tears begin to fall.

Leaning over, she squeezes my shoulder. “I didn’t think you’d want to leave this behind. He may be gone, Kale, but it was out of your hands. Just remember he was always wanted. And maybe we never did get to meet him, but I have faith that he’s somewhere up there in the universe and he knows that. He would’ve been lucky to have had you as a father.”

She keeps talking as she makes the drive to Mom’s house, but I tune her out, unable to hear her reassurances. She’s right. I wanted that kid more than anything. Sure, I was scared as hell when Tara told me she was pregnant. I was a nineteen-year-old college student who worked in a restaurant. But once the initial shock wore off and Tara said yes to my proposal, the idea of starting a family became an exciting one. I enlisted so I could be a provider and be the father I never had. Every single night, when I crawled onto my cot, exhausted, sore as hell, and mentally drained, I envision Tara and my future kid, knowing that every single second spent there was worth it just for them. I never, not in a million years, thought that when I took that oath I’d end up losing the only things I ever wanted.

I’m still reeling from it all as I curl up against the window, the teddy bear acting as my only lifeline, my only link to the child I’ll never meet. In that short car ride, I let all the pain out and decide then and there that I’m far too broken from this to ever let anyone in again. The loss is one that will haunt me. I don’t think I can ever risk going through this again, and I never plan to.

Chapter 22

Present, December 2013


Kale


LETTING OUT a deep breath, I sit up slowly and grab the bottle even though I know in the back of my mind that I need to slow it down. I’m going to be a walking dead man tomorrow, but it’s been so long since I let myself remember that day, and now that I have, all I want to do is forget.

Clumsily, I gather everything up and start to set it all back in the box with as much care as I can muster in my drunken state. I don’t ever plan on going through this again. Even with my alcohol-muddled mind, I think back on Xavier’s words and know I need to let it go. And maybe this is what I needed—a drunken breakdown to remember what I lost. But at the same time, it gives me even more reason to cherish what I have now.

Slowly, I finger each item, knowing that this is the last time I’ll ever lay eyes on them. With all the clarity I can muster, which isn’t much thanks to the bourbon, I say goodbye with each piece that I pack away. I almost miss the sonogram on the floor, but at the last second, it catches my eye and I pick it up, eyeing it warily. Even though this is what set me off, I feel a little calmer than before, and I don’t know if it’s the alcohol, the fact that I let myself relive that day, or the knowledge that this wasn’t it for me. For once, I can look at this sonogram and not feel like my one chance at true happiness has been washed down the drain. Placing it on top the blanket, I give it a drunken pat before I sigh as I close the box. My fingers rub the top, and I close my eyes, whispering a silent goodbye.

Sitting back against the couch, I clutch the bourbon as I stare at the box. Ever since I found out Lucy was pregnant, I’ve been the strong one. As scary as it seemed, I was thrilled. Sure, I panicked when she said she had to weigh her options, but ever since she let me in, I’ve been ecstatic, and it feels different than it did with Tara. The more I think about it, the more pissed off I get that I’m even making the comparisons.

Rising from the couch, I nearly fall over and have to brace myself on the coffee table. Less than graciously, I pick up the box and meander back to my bedroom, ready to put it away for good. Once it’s secure in my closet, I lean back against the door, a sigh of relief leaving my lips. Part of me knows that I needed to relive that, to see those things, but the other part of me wants to scream at the world, call Tara every name in the fucking book, and just get wasted beyond belief. Apparently the third idea sounds like the best, so I head to the kitchen, take out a large rocks glass, and pour the bourbon in it until it reaches the brim. I decide that’s not quite enough, so once again, I bring the bottle to my lips and tilt my head back, the liquid pouring down until I’m practically coughing due to the sting of the bite.

With a grimace, I pound my chest, willing the burn to go away. I place the bottle in the freezer then pick up the rocks glass. Just as I’m about to leave the room, my eyes spot Lucy’s note and the sonogram, both of which I swoop up in one blundering hand, nearly knocking them onto the ground before I can get a grip.

I head down the hall towards my room, walking as slowly as humanly possible so I don’t spill any of my drink, but it’s no use as my shoulder hits the wall and the amber liquid sloshes over onto my skin. Swearing under my breath, I finally make it to my room, and even though it feels like ages, I find myself next to my bed, where I set the glass down on my nightstand. I reverently place the note and the image on my pillow as I quickly undress until I’m in nothing but my boxer briefs. It’s a sweet relief, and I flop onto the bed.

It’s only at this point that I realize that my head’s swimming, and I lift it up and grab the glass, downing half its contents as if it’s some potion that will help me think more clearly when really it’s just going to do the opposite. When I lie back on my pillow, I feel the crinkling under my head. I shoot up and turn around, ready to combat whatever I just laid on. I laugh at my drunk self when I see that it’s just what I put there, and I swipe both papers up in my hand and settle back into bed, turning on my side.

As I’m lying there, I reread Lucy’s note through squinted eyes, and I wish she were here in bed with me. After tonight, I need her close to me. I need her wrapped around me. I need…her. I just need her. Setting the letter aside, I try to look at the other document, but my mind can’t process it. I hold it first in front of my face, then farther out, and then I bring it back in again. Finally, I blink a few times and it comes into focus. A huge, goofy-ass grin crosses my face, and I almost want to laugh, knowing I was in fucking tears just minutes ago. But this? This is exactly what I need.

I’m looking at my first picture of Sprout, and my heart couldn’t be fuller right now. It’s as if one look at him is already healing me, and I find myself wishing he were here with me right now. He and Lucy both. I never thought it possible, but I want them more than anything I’ve ever wanted in the world, and I will do everything in my power to keep them happy.

My eyelids start feeling heavy, and even though I’m not ready for sleep, I know I’m about to succumb. With one last look, I smile at my unborn child.

“I love you, Sprout,” I slur, and I know I’m grinning like a fool in the dark. “And don’t tell anyone this, but I think I love your momma, too.”

The admission surprises even me, and as I start to drift off, I realize those words are true. After everything I’ve been through and all the pain I’ve endured, maybe with Lucy I can finally start to heal.


Lucy


AFTER A fun girls’ night out, I find that I’m missing Kale. We haven’t spent a single night apart since we became official, and I’ve decided I don’t want to break the streak. Fortunately, with all of Kale’s pressure for me to move in, he gave me a key to use whenever I please—his words, not mine. It’s only a little after one a.m. and I expect to see Kale lounging on the couch watching Late Night, but when I open the door, the whole house is dark. I assume he’s just not home yet, and I grin to myself, knowing I can work this to my advantage. As I move through his house, I slowly discard pieces of clothing, leaving a trail behind me. I’m left in nothing but my panties, feeling brazen as I go to his room, ready to wait in his bed until he comes home.

When I walk in his room, I hear a soft snore. My heart falls at the revelation that he’s already home and asleep. Shrugging it off, I pull back the covers and climb in to bed with him, taking a moment to look him over. He looks gorgeous, peaceful, and as much as I want to wake him, I think against it.

My eyes catch something on the sheets lying next to his head and I lean closer to get a good look, not caring that my bare breasts are pressed up against his back. I can’t help but smile when I see that it’s the sonogram I left for him, and I melt at the realization that he brought it to bed with him. He acted kind of weird at the doctor’s office earlier and we didn’t get a chance to talk about it before we parted ways for the evening. I’m so glad I was able to sneak back in and leave the surprise for him.

I’m about to move the photograph when Kale turns, effectively catching me in his arms. He snuggles in close, pressing my chest up against his. The feel of his warm skin against mine is heavenly, and if it weren’t for the fact that he’s dead asleep, I’d be making a play. Instead, I wrap my arm around him, just wanting to be next to him. He sighs, and my nose wrinkles at the smell. It’s as if he’s bathed in a bourbon factory, and before I can question it, he begins to murmur.

“Mmmm I’ve been waitin’ on you for a long time,” he mutters, nuzzling against my neck. His ticklish breath causes me to giggle, and I squirm, knowing he has no idea what he’s saying.

“I was only gone for a few hours. Plus, you apparently had your own fun tonight, babe.”

He huffs, and I study his face, but he doesn’t open his eyes. “No fun, Lucy. No fun without you. It was first the best night, then the worst. Then I saw Sprout and it was the best again. And now you’re here and it’s even better than the best. It’s the best times infinity.” I try not to giggle as he struggles to make out the word infinity through his slurring.

Oh, Kale. I have no idea what happened tonight, but my normally calm, cool, collected boyfriend is wasted beyond belief. I can’t help but wonder what set him off.

Running my fingers over his face, I whisper gently. “All my time with you is the best times infinity, Kale Montgomery.”

Even in his drunken haze, a pained expression crosses his face. I notice that his eyes slightly open, and he squints, looking at me. “I love when you say Montgomery. It sounds so sexy rolling off your lips. But if Sprout’s going to be a Montgomery, you’ve gotta stop saying it that way. Unless you’re talking about me.” He pauses, a frown forming on his face. “Sprout will be a Montgomery, right?” he asks in a panicked tone.

I can feel my eyes narrow even in the darkness, and I press myself into him, wanting to get as close as possible. “Of course, baby. As far as I’m concerned, he’s already a Montgomery.”

Kale lets out a long sigh, and his eyes close. He readjusts himself on the bed but ensures that we don’t break contact. His hand is on the small of my back, and our faces are merely inches from each other. I watch him with piqued curiosity. I have no idea what happened tonight, but I’ve never seen him this way. It’s unnerving, yet at the same time I’m intrigued. He looks so vulnerable, and all I want to do is cuddle up in his arms so I can enjoy his warmth all night. I’m about to close my eyes, ready to sleep, when he stirs, his arm tightening around me.

“Promise me you’ll never leave me. I need you too much.”

I’m breathless at the desperation in his voice. His words wash over me, and I swallow hard before responding. “Kale, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you. I promise.”

He pulls me in closer, if that’s possible, until I’m practically on top of him. I feel his lips resting just beneath my ear. “If I lost you…I don’t think I could go on. Never, ever leave me. Promise me, baby,” he begs, a desperate plea in his tone.

My lips find his cheek, pressing gently before I pull back to look at him, but his eyes are closed. Something about this moment seems safe, and I work up the nerve to say what’s on my heart. Taking a deep breath, I decide that I can admit my feelings to a drunk-as-hell Kale. He probably won’t remember, so no harm, no foul.

“Kale Montgomery, I couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to. You may have no idea, but…” I sigh, closing my eyes, willing the words to come out. I move down the bed until my head settles on his chest, and I can feel it rising and falling. “I love you. I’m in love with you, Kale, and I have been for so long. Who would’ve thought? You’re my best friend, and if I could share anything in the world with you for the rest of our lives, it’d be Sprout. Me and Sprout.”