Tessa Teevan - Inflame

“That’s what I thought. What is this, Kale? This thing between you and me? Am I substitute for what you once lost? Are you with me because I'm having your child? That was my biggest fear jumping into this relationship, and then I find out you had a secret pregnant fiancée in your past? Why would you keep that from me?"

Anger at her questioning flows through me, and I want to grip her shoulders and fucking shake it out of her. It’s irrational, especially since this whole thing is my fault, and I know she doesn't mean it—she's just trying to prove a point—but dammit, that insinuation fucking hurts.

"You know none of that is true. It’s all bullshit and it’s not why I’m with you. I don't need to prove I love you, Lucy. You know I do. I show you every single fucking day. I’m not the type of guy who needs to make some big grand gesture and sing to you like an idiot in a bar. I may have fucked up by not opening up a painful part of my past to you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. You need to trust me and trust my feelings. I love you. I love our baby, but dammit, Lucy, I love you first."

I watch as her eyes close, but not before I see the moisture in them. Hope swells in me that I’m getting through to her.

"You’re right, Kale. You don't need to perform a big grand gesture, and I wouldn't expect you to or want you to. But what I do want from the man who claims to love me is his honesty, his openness, his whole heart. The good, the bad, the painful. You know, other than my family and Charlie, no one in my life knows about Tim. Everyone thinks Steve’s my real dad, and I could have kept that part of myself from you, but I didn’t. You know why? Because I love you, Kale. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, to start a family with you, and I didn’t feel right doing that until you knew me, all of me. The good, the bad, the painful. And I thought that, by opening myself up first, you’d feel more comfortable to do the same, but instead, you retreated. If you love me like you say you do, then why won't you let me all the way in?"

I’m about to protest, to profess my undying love for her, when she holds her hand up. “The day I realized I love you was the day that you became my whole heart. Your happiness is mine, Kale, but more than that, your pain is my pain, too. If you grieve, I grieve with you, no matter the cause. At the same time, when you rejoice, I’m right there jumping up and down with you. But unless you’re willing to lay it all out on the line with me, then we’ll never be equal partners.” A slow tear trickles down her cheek, followed by another one. I move to go to her, but she backs up. “I want one thing to be clear. When I walk out that door, I’m not leaving you. I’m simply giving you space to work out your crap. I know you love me, Kale, but you need to decide if that’s enough. If you love me enough to trust me with your deepest wounds. I might not be able to heal them, but I’ll damn well try.”

She crosses the room and lifts up on her tiptoes, planting a soft kiss on my lips. “I love you, and I will be back. It’s your job to decide if I’m back for good.”

Without another word, she exits the bedroom, and I’m frozen solid in place. What the fuck just happened? When I went to bed last night, I was confident and ready to lay it all out on the line for her, but she blindsided me. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, I rest my head in my hands, wondering how in the hell I’m going to fix this.

Hours later and one Xavier beat down, I’m pacing the living room, waiting for Lucy to return. It feels like forever since she’s been gone, and I’ve barely resisted the urge to call Charlie to see if she’s heard from her. Other than during the work day, I’ve never spent this many hours away from her, and the thought that she’s out there, alone and emotional, nearly drives me wild with concern. Some rational part of me resists from doing so, knowing that I need to respect her wishes for space.

My ears perk up when I hear the sound of the front door opening, and my eyes move to the box on the coffee table then to the doorknob that’s beginning to turn. Sending up a quick prayer for strength, I move towards her, more than ready to let it all out.

Lucy

I THOUGHT walking out of our home this morning was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but now that I stand outside the door, ready to go back in, I’m finding it even more difficult to turn the knob. I have no idea what awaits me on the other side, and I’m terrified that he’s going to freeze up again, effectively shutting me out.

I spent the better part of the day wandering aimlessly along the Riverwalk, plopping down frequently on park benches, pulling the paperback out of my purse to try and get lost in. It was no use. My mind was on Kale, Tara, and their unborn baby the whole time, and guilt started to creep in. If Kale endured a miscarriage, can I really comfort him through that? Am I naïve to think that he needs me to work it through? This day of needing space ended up just adding more questions in my mind, and now that I stand here, staring at our front door, I’m not sure I have the courage to walk back in.

Mustering up all the strength in my body, I place my hand on the knob and turn. The door flings open, and I’m pulled in violently. I’m about to fall flat on my face when Kale catches me in his arms.

“Oh God, baby, I’m so sorry. I heard you on the other side of the door and I tried to be patient, but I couldn’t help myself.” His callused hand brushes against my cheek as he studies me tenderly. “Are you okay?”

Nodding, I try to regain my equilibrium as he sets me upright on my feet.

He wraps me in his warm embrace, gently stroking my hair. “This has been the longest day of my life, Lucy,” he confesses.

I look up at him with glistening eyes. Bringing my hand up to caress his face, I feel his warm stubble under my skin. “I know. It hasn’t exactly been the best day for me, either,” I admit.

His eyes soften and he releases me before taking hold of my hand and leading me to the couch. A small, square box sits on the coffee table, and I eye it suspiciously. I’ve seen it buried in the depths of the closet, and I wonder why he’s pulled it out now.

Kale sits down next to me and leans in to place a kiss to my lips. “I’ve thought about what you said, baby, and you’re right. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and if we’re going to do this, then you deserve to know everything about me.”

I hear the underlying pain as his voice catches, and for a split second, I want to give him a reprieve, tell him he doesn’t have to tell me if it’s going to be too painful. “Kale,” I whisper, but he holds a finger up to my lips and hushes me.

“No, baby. This is my time to talk.” I nod compliantly before he picks the box up from the table and sets it on the couch between us. “I’m going to tell you a story, okay? It’s from a long freaking time ago.”

“Okay,” I say in a shaky breath, steeling myself for what’s about to come.

Kale lifts the lid off the box and then looks at me. “Once upon a time, there was a very naïve, very stupid, completely idiotic nineteen-year-old kid who thought he was invincible. This same kid’s world came crashing down the day his girlfriend approached him with tears in her eyes, telling him she was pregnant. The kid, naturally, was scared out of his mind but, at the same time, was ready to step up. He went to a pawn shop, bought what he thought was an acceptable engagement ring, and was ecstatic when she said yes. This same kid, although he could be considered a dumbass, realized that if he was about to have a family, he’d need to support. He went to a recruiter and, not long after, was shipped off to the Army.”

He pauses, and I slide my hand over his, my thumb rubbing over his skin. “Suffice it to say, that kid was me. It was crazy. Stupid. And I never should’ve imagined it would work out, but I had my head in the clouds. Tara and I… We’d known each other since we were kids, and while it seemed early, it wasn’t exactly out of the realm of possibility that we’d end up married with kids, the white picket fence, all that stuff. The pregnancy just kind of sped things up.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, unsure that I want to hear the rest of the story. He reaches into the box and pulls out a faded teddy bear. A rueful smile crosses his lips as he stares at it.

“When I graduated boot camp, this was the first thing I bought. I couldn’t wait to get home to give it to Tara. She would’ve been seven months along by then, and I already felt so guilty for missing so much time while I was gone.”

“Oh, Kale. You can’t blame yourself. Miscarriages happen all the time, and they’re usually out of the blue,” I tell him, caressing his hand to provide some sort of comfort. “You were trying to find a way to provide for your family. That’s admirable.”

His eyes narrow and turn dark, and I’m not sure what I said wrong. With a shake of his head, he continues. As he recounts exiting the plane and his initial reaction to Tara’s not meeting him in the airport, my heart begins to climb up into my throat. The details of Kaylie taking him to the bar have me nervous with anticipation. I move in closer, knowing that I need to be wrapped up in him, that he needs to be wrapped up in me as he reveals everything.

“When I saw her with a flat stomach, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Like I’d been punched in the gut. I took her out into that alley, ready to beg for forgiveness for leaving her alone to deal with a miscarriage, because that was my first thought, too. Instead, she practically laughed at me. There was no miscarriage, Lucy. She looked me cold-stone in the face. ‘I terminated the pregnancy.’ Those words haunted me for so long, and while I know I didn’t set the appointment, I often wonder what would’ve happened if I’d still been around.

“That’s what’s always been so hard about this. It wasn’t God willing. It wasn’t a fluke of nature. What should have been the mother of my child decided, without me, that our child didn’t deserve living. Because I wasn’t there to protect him. And I know all the ‘it’s a woman’s body bullshit,’ but that was my child, too. What should’ve been my firstborn… But because I don’t have a uterus and can’t carry a child, I had no say so in whether or not my child was brought to full term, even though I would’ve gladly taken all parental control after birth. She wanted him before. I didn’t get how she could change her mind all of a sudden, and I just kind of snapped.”

His admission floors me. Ever since meeting Tara, I’ve been grieving for him over the loss of an unborn child, but I never, not in a million years, ever expected this depth of hurt to be lingering. Any words of solace that come to mind seem insignificant, so I do the next best thing, I crawl into his lap, trying to get as close as possible.

Looking up at him, I catch his eyes. “I’ve gone through a million scenarios in my mind since Saturday and not one of them ended like this. My heart aches for you. And I understand now why you wouldn’t want to talk about it.” My hand rests on belly. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Kale. No parent, no matter how young, should ever have to go through that. And for the sake of being crude, I think Tara’s kind of a bitch. I mean, I can imagine that she was probably scared and alone, but she could have at least told you, even if it was through a letter or even a phone call. For you to just show up and find out that way seems cruel.”

I feel his chest rumble underneath me as he laughs. “Baby, watch your mouth,” he chastises, leaning in to press a kiss against my lips. “But yeah, I may have called her something a little more colorful the other day.”

I feel my eyes widen, and I squirm in his lap. “You didn’t! You’re the most gentlemanly guy I know. Ginger would kick your ass if she heard you say that!”

He gives me a sheepish grin that slowly turns devilish. “I’m usually a gentleman, but she upset you, and it didn’t make me very happy. Plus, Kaylie thought it was hilarious. But back to what you said… I’ve never actually thought about that. In all my anger, I never let myself think about what it was like for her after I was gone.”

“I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but it’s been ten years, Kale. In order to really move forward, you have to let go of your anger towards her, too.”

He sighs and gives me a small smile. “I know you’re right. And I think I’m starting to. I was angrier at her the other day for upsetting you more than anything else. What she did is done and I can’t ever change it. I need to stop looking back and focus on the future. On you and Sprout. So let’s finish this,” he insists.