“I'm surprised you never remarried,” Meredith said honestly. “It can't be easy bringing up three kids on your own.”

“In some ways it's easier,” he said with surprising candor. “You don't have to argue with anyone about how to bring them up. There are no battles over what's right or wrong or good for them. You get to make all your own decisions. We have a good relationship, and I think they respect me. And to be honest, I think Charlotte cured me. I've never been anxious to get into that kind of relationship again. There's something incredibly artificial and dishonest about marriage.” Particularly if your wife spent the entire marriage sleeping with her business partner. But Meredith was careful not to say that. After all, they may have been friends, but he was still a client.

“You must have been pretty badly hurt when she told you the truth,” Meredith said gently. “Were you surprised, or did you suspect it?”

“I never suspected it for a minute. I thought she was the most honest woman alive. And so did she. In fact, she was very proud of herself that he was the only ‘other’ man she had ever slept with while we were married. In her eyes, that was almost as good as being faithful. I didn't see it quite that way. I was pretty bitter about it for a long time.”

“And now?” Meredith asked, as they finished their first glass of wine and started on dinner. It had been an interesting conversation, and a surprising glimpse into the private man. It was a story that made her sorry for him. If Steve ever had an affair, she knew she would have been heartbroken. In Steve's case, she knew he never would. But Callan's wife sounded like a different breed completely. “Do you think you're still bitter about it?”

“Bitter? No, not now. I still get angry about it sometimes when I think about it. It wasn't exactly fair play, but that's the way it works sometimes. I'm just not inclined to do anything as foolish as that again. I don't need to put my head on the chopping block and offer someone the opportunity to knock it off, or rip my heart out. Marriage can be kind of a tough playing field at times, kind of like the Colosseum. I just don't have the urge anymore, to offer myself up to the lions.” The images he used were strong, and so was the picture he painted with them. He had been betrayed by the one woman he had loved and trusted, the mother of his children, and it was obvious that he had never forgiven her for it, or entirely recovered from it either. And Meredith wasn't sure she blamed him.

“How old are your kids now?”

He smiled as soon as she asked the question. It was easy to see that he was crazy about them. “Mary Ellen is fourteen, not an easy age, I might add. She thought I was great until about a year ago, according to her my IQ has been slipping ever since then. She thinks I'm senile. Julie is twelve, and still thinks I'm okay, but she's starting to slip into that same red zone. In another year I'll be heading downhill with her pretty quickly. And Andrew is nine. By some miracle, he still thinks I'm terrific. I hope you meet them sometime, Merrie.” Without prompting, he had adopted the same nickname Steve used, but she didn't mind it.

“I hope I do too. They sound like nice kids.” But she couldn't help wondering how hard it was for them not having a mother figure around, particularly for girls going into their teens. She couldn't imagine that it was easy for them, or for Cal either. And it was a very intriguing story. He was a man of many faces, and it was interesting knowing something more about him. She didn't want to ask, but she wondered if he had a girlfriend, or if he was one of those men who, once bruised, was satisfied to have a chorus line of temporary companions, maybe even one at a time, to be disposed of any time they got too close to him. He didn't sound like a man who was willing to entertain the idea of commitment, not after what he'd experienced the first time, and in a way, she felt sorry for him.

But he surprised her with his next question. “Why do you think you don't want kids, Meredith? You're missing out on a wonderful experience, but people who don't have them don't know that.”

“I've never had time to have a baby. I'm just too busy. It wouldn't be fair to my children. I don't want to do what your wife did, hire a nanny, and rush back to my office. I think children deserve to have full-time mothers, and to be honest, I think I'd hate that. I have too much fun doing what I'm doing.”

“Do you really think it's that, or is it more a statement about your level of commitment to your husband?” She was stunned when he asked her the question, and she was quick to shake her head when she answered.

“I think Steve and I are about as committed to each other as two people can get. That's never been the issue between us. It's really entirely career-related.”

“That's what Charlotte said when I first suggested we have kids. But the truth was something very different. She was in love with another man, who had never wanted to marry her. And I don't think she was as sure of her feelings about me as she thought she should be. I think when a woman really trusts a man, she wants to have his children. Maybe you're not as sure of Dr. Kildare as you think you are, Meredith, or your feelings for him.” It was a shocking theory, and she didn't even like hearing it. There was certainly no truth in it for them, whether or not Callan Dow believed her.

“I promise you, it's not that in our case. We're very much in love with each other. Maybe I'm just one of those women who don't need to have children, and I'm smart enough to know it. I probably wouldn't be a very good mother. But it has nothing to do with a lack of commitment to my husband.”

“I'm not sure I believe you, Meredith. You may think you're committed to him, but I think it's only natural if you truly trusted the relationship, you'd want to have his children.” Just listening to him say it to her suddenly annoyed her.

“That is utterly ridiculous, Cal, and you know it. I can't believe you actually think something as chauvinistic as that. You've got to tell me you're joking.”

“I'm not. You don't have to admit it to me. But think about it when you're alone tonight. Why is it that you really don't want his children?”

“Because I've spent the last twelve years doing exactly what I'm doing for you, organizing syndicates, writing red herrings with the legal staff, and taking clients on road shows. Just how much time do you think I'd have for my children?”

“As much as you wanted to. Your clients are no substitute for a baby in your arms, Meredith. We all come and go, a child is forever. But maybe your marriage isn't.” At a glance, he saw then that he'd offended her, and with a kindly look, he changed the subject. And for the next two hours they talked about his IPO and the road show. But in spite of the assurances she'd given him, he had nonetheless managed to unnerve her. And when she went back to her room at the hotel, shortly after ten o'clock, she was still thinking about it. What he had said was ridiculous. She had the kind of valid reasons women used all the time not to make a terrible mistake, in having children when they didn't want them, or if they weren't ready. Her career was as important to her as his was to Steve, and in its own way, hers was equally demanding. Unless she wanted to cut back radically, or leave the firm, there was no way she could reconcile her business life with having babies. Even Steve understood that, and she couldn't imagine why Callan Dow didn't. Just because he had three kids didn't mean that everyone else was suited to it, or would even enjoy it. God knows his wife certainly hadn't, and what she had done seemed worse to Meredith, having them, and then giving them up and virtually abandoning them for a man, a career, and a life in another country. That was something Meredith would never consider doing, once she had them. She preferred not to put herself in the same bind Charlotte Dow obviously had, and then renege on her responsibilities as a mother. Meredith would have had her tubes tied before that, and had often thought about it, but she knew that Steve would be upset if she did that. He had in fact begged her not to.

But she couldn't understand why she couldn't convince Callan Dow that she was completely committed to her marriage, and the simple reality that she didn't want kids certainly didn't mean she didn't love Steve. On the contrary, she loved him so much, she didn't want to share him.

She was still upset by what he'd said when she got into bed that night, and after lying in the dark for half an hour, stewing over it, she decided to call Steve, just to tell him she loved him. The nurse answering the phones at the trauma unit said she didn't know where he'd gone, she'd seen him only ten minutes before, but she thought he was on another floor, picking up some X-rays, so Meredith paged him. She punched in her number at the hotel and waited for his call. But twenty minutes later, he hadn't called, and she wondered if he was back in surgery again. And as she waited for his call, she drifted off to sleep, thinking about him, but even as she did, she had a gnawing, uneasy feeling. She knew in her heart of hearts that she was entirely committed to him, in fact very much in love with him, and she didn't give a damn who believed it, as long as Steve did. And the fact that she didn't want kids was irrelevant, all it meant was that she had other priorities in her life, she assured herself. But once she slept, she tossed and turned all night, pursued by dreams where Steve was shouting at her, and as he did, he was surrounded by armies of children who howled and screamed and clawed at her like little demons.





Chapter 5

THE DUE DILIGENCE tour that Meredith put on for Callan Dow went brilliantly. Chicago was a huge success, his speech went over very well, and even the CFO performed admirably. The questions the audience asked were intelligent and to the point, and Cal's answers were exactly what they wanted to hear. And Minneapolis went even better.

By the time they got to L.A., Cal and Meredith were both on a high, and they were already nearly fully subscribed. There was almost certainly going to be a “green shoe” on this one. They were going to have far more investors than they needed.

She was in such good spirits, and had had such a good time with him, that Meredith had almost forgiven him for the ridiculous thing he'd said in Chicago about her marriage. She had decided by then that his point of view was based on his own bad experience with marriage. Neither of them had ever mentioned it again, and they had fallen into an easy camaraderie as they moved from city to city. And she had spoken to Steve twice since then. He had finally gotten home for a night, and things had calmed down considerably in the trauma unit. She could hardly wait to see him.

She put on another dinner in Los Angeles, and three more presentations the next day, and between breakfast and lunch they had had time to meet privately with two major investors. Things were looking great for their offering, and after the second dinner in L.A., on Thursday night, they flew to San Francisco. They landed at ten fifteen, and she had a car and driver waiting for him, and another to take her to the Fairmont Hotel. Cal was planning to go home to his children and would meet her for their breakfast presentation at the Fairmont. It had been a long three days for both of them, but it had been extremely fruitful.

“Will you be okay?” he asked solicitously. They were constantly exchanging roles. She took care of him during their meetings and presentations on the due diligence tour, and he acted like her older brother as they traveled, or chatted between meetings. “I feel guilty just leaving you here at the airport.” After three days of being together night and day, they felt like old friends now.

“I think I can manage,” she smiled at him. “Go home and enjoy your kids. I'm just going to go to the hotel, take a hot bath, and relax. I'll see you in the morning.”

“I'll be there at seven thirty,” he promised. The presentation was scheduled for eight. They were doing another one at lunch, they were seeing two more private investors after that, both of them universities, and then she was catching the red-eye. “Maybe you can come to dinner with the kids tomorrow night, after our meetings.”

“See how you feel by then,” she said sensibly. “You must be sick of me by now. I don't want to intrude on you with your kids. I have plenty of work to do.” She was still carrying the ever-present briefcase.

“You need some time off too. And my kids would love to meet you.”

“Let's play it by ear tomorrow,” she said as they walked out of the airport together. “See you in the morning.” She waved as they went their separate ways, and as soon as she got to her room in the hotel, Steve called her.