Джерри Хилл - Kara’s Moon

"Of course."

"You’ve been awfully quiet," Nana said. "Are you not feeling well?"

"I feel fine," Ginny said. Why, oh why must Nana always notice?

"Do you think Kara’s having a good time?"

Ginny nodded. "I think so." Was she? It was hard to tell. Kara, too, had been quiet.

"Here you go," Kara said, balancing two cups of beer and an iced tea in her hands. Ginny reached out to help her and when their hands touched, she trembled from the electricity between them, spilling beer on the table.

"God, I’m sorry," she murmured, mopping up the spill with her napkin.

"It’s okay."

She couldn’t stand it. Not another minute. They had to talk. This was slowly driving her insane, this… attraction, yes, okay, attraction, that she had for Kara. And she could not stand it a second longer. She needed to… what? Talk? Yes, she needed to talk to her about it. She was so confused inside. Her traitorous body screamed for release but her mind refused to listen to it. This couldn’t be happening to her. She was not a lesbian!

Ginny leaned toward Kara, speaking softly so that Nana would not hear. "We need to talk." When Kara looked at her, she added, "I need to talk."

"Okay," Kara agreed. "Why don’t we take a drive?"

Ginny nodded and turned to Nana. "We’re going to walk around a bit, Nana. You’ll be okay here?"

"Of course. You run along."

They walked towards Kara’s Land Cruiser without speaking and Ginny wondered what in the world she would say to Kara. She only wished for one thing; that her heart wouldn’t pound so whenever Kara was near.

Kara opened the door for Ginny and she crawled inside, remembering the last time she had been in Kara’s truck. They had been driving back, after The Kiss. They had not spoken. Not one word. Kara had stopped in front of the house and Ginny had nearly run from the truck then.

"Where to?" Kara asked.

"It doesn’t matter," Ginny said.

Kara drove slowly down the deserted streets and she reached into the console, fishing out her crumpled pack of cigarettes. She shoved one into her mouth, then glanced at Ginny.

"You don’t mind, do you?"

"Of course not," she said.

Kara inhaled deeply, letting the smoke settle in her lungs, calming her. So, Ginny wanted to talk. Great. Just what she wanted to do. Talk about how she had kissed her and screwed up her life.

"Why don’t we go to my house?" Ginny said. "We can sit and talk, then."

Kara hesitated. The last thing they needed was to be alone in Ginny’s house. But she nodded anyway.

Ginny walked quickly ahead of Kara, suddenly nervous at being alone with her. Maybe they should have kept driving and talked in the truck. She wrapped her arms around herself and turned to Kara as soon as the door was closed.

"I can’t stop thinking about it," she said quickly. "What’s happening to me?"

"Ginny, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have ever…"

"I… begged you to," Ginny reminded her. "And now, I can’t stop thinking about it." She turned away from Kara, unable to look at her. "I’ve never thought about a woman before, not like this." She remembered Renee. No, it had never been like this with Renee. She would not have allowed it. But maybe, if she’d continued to see her, it might have evolved into a sexual attraction. Who was she kidding? It was a sexual attraction. She just couldn’t admit it at the time.

"Ginny, I don’t know what you want me to say."

Ginny met blue eyes filled with regret and she shook her head slowly. It wasn’t Kara’s fault.

"There was a woman once," Ginny said quietly. "I was just out of college. She was my boss. At the time, I thought it was just friendship. We spent a lot of time together but I wouldn’t allow my feelings to grow into something else. She wanted more but I couldn’t… I didn’t know. I met Phil shortly after that."

Kara caught her breath. This, she was not expecting.

"But I’m not a lesbian," she whispered. "I’m… just not. I don’t want these feelings."

"Okay. You’re not," Kara said, trying to say the words that she thought Ginny wanted to hear. "Maybe you’re just questioning your love for Phil and this was… something to try."

"Is that what you think?" Ginny asked. It could be true. She wanted it to be true. Kara moved closer and stood in front of her. "Ginny, it was just a kiss. I didn’t touch you," she said. "We weren’t even close to… anything."

"Weren’t we?" Ginny whispered. She felt as if she were in a dream. Her eyes clouded and all she could see were the two of them, as they had been that night. She remembered Kara’s hands resting just under her breasts. She remembered how her body had begged for Kara’s hands to move, how it had begged for Kara to touch her breasts. She remembered how she had imagined Kara’s mouth on them, how she had imagined Kara’s hands… on her, her fingers inside her. She raised her eyes to Kara’s and she felt the rise and fall of her chest as she tried to keep pace with her uneven breathing. She didn’t understand the burning need that was consuming her body, moving through her with each uneven breath, settling at the pit of her stomach and demanding relief.

"Ginny… please don’t look at me that way," Kara whispered.

Ginny swallowed down the lump in her throat but her eyes refused to leave Kara’s. "This is madness, what I’m feeling," Ginny murmured. Her tongue came out and wet her lips and Kara’s eyes followed. Ginny moaned low in her throat from the look in Kara’s eyes and she took a step towards her.

"Kiss me again," she begged. "Show me that there’s nothing here, Kara. Show me that I just imagined it all."

Kara shook her head, no, but Ginny’s hands were already touching her, already moving up her arms to her neck. "Kara, please," she whispered as she was drawn to Kara’s warm body.

Kara couldn’t have refused even if Louise had chosen that moment to walk in on them. Her hands went quickly to Ginny’s face and she cupped her, pulling Ginny’s mouth to hers. Ginny’s lips were parted and wet and Kara devoured them hungrily, her resolve having vanished with the brush of Ginny’s tongue against her own.

Ginny’s hands gripped hard at Kara’s shoulders and she was certain that she was going to pass out from the intensity of it all. Blood pounded in her ears and she couldn’t breathe. Then Kara’s mouth turned gentle and she could breathe again and she wanted to breathe Kara in. Her hands moved over Kara’s back and she pressed her body close, her hips moving instinctively against Kara.

"Dear God, Kara," she whispered, when she was finally able to pull away, finally able to take her lips from Kara’s. Barely.

"I’m sorry," Kara murmured and she tried to pull back but Ginny held her.

"Don’t stop," Ginny pleaded and her mouth went back for more. One more kiss, one more touch of her tongue.

"Ginny, no," Kara said. She held Ginny at arms length. "What are we doing?" she whispered.

Ginny stood there, her breathing rapid as she looked at Kara. "I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do." She reached out and took one of Kara’s hands and brought it to her breasts without thinking. "Oh, Jesus," she murmured. "Oh my God." Her eyes slid shut as she felt Kara’s hand close over her breast, when she felt Kara’s thumb caress her erect nipple.

Kara’s mind screamed for her to stop but her body wouldn’t listen. Both hands now cupped Ginny’s breasts and her mouth found a throbbing vein in the soft neck that was exposed.

Ginny pressed closer, desire crowding out all other thoughts. Her dreams didn’t do justice to the pleasure that Kara brought to her. It was through a deep fog that she felt her shirt being pulled from her shorts, felt warm hands touch her hot skin. She didn’t stop the hands that moved over her flesh, hands that impatiently shoved her bra away.

Kara had to have her mouth there. She had lost all sense of propriety. She no longer cared if what they were doing was wrong or not.

"Oh, Kara, yes," Ginny breathed when she felt a wet tongue rake across her nipple. She pulled Kara closer, gasping when Kara’s hot mouth closed over her, gently sucking at her nipple, driving her insane with desire. Her eyes slammed shut as she held Kara to her breast. Her legs parted instinctively and pressed down hard on Kara’s thigh.

It was only then, when desire shot through her, right to her center, making her press harder against Kara, that she realized how far they had gone, had quickly she had lost control. It was only then that fear replaced desire.

"No," she whispered. "No, Kara."

Kara immediately pulled away, her eyes clouded with desire.

"Oh, Jesus, I’m sorry, Ginny," she said quickly, moving away from Ginny, away from temptation. She ran both hands through her short hair and groaned softly. "I didn’t mean to go that far."

"I’m sorry, too," Ginny whispered before tears closed up her throat. She could say no more.

"Please don’t do this," Kara begged. "Please don’t cry. This is all my fault. I let it go too far."

Ginny shook her head but still, no words would come. She sat down heavily on the sofa and pulled her T-shirt down. Her hands were shaking and she covered her face with them.

"Please, Ginny," Kara pleaded.

Ginny finally lifted her tear-stained face to Kara and she was shocked by the genuine regret she found there.

"I think I just want you to go now, Kara." At the anguish that crossed Kara’s face, Ginny reached out a hand and captured Kara’s fingers. "I just need to be alone and sort this all out. I’m not angry with you. I can’t be angry with you when I’m the one that wanted this."

"I wanted it, too," Kara whispered.

"I know. That’s what scares me so."