Джерри Хилл - Kara’s Moon

"KARA! OPEN UP, please," Ginny yelled through the door. She walked around to the porch, but the door was locked, the inside dark. Where could she be? She leaned her back against the wall, tucking her hair behind her ears nervously. Where is she? She had been calling all morning, but she had just assumed that Kara was just not answering. Finally, she could stand it no more and she left Nana at the store with a mumbled excuse.

"Kara!" she yelled. Damn it all!

She waited nearly thirty minutes, pacing back and forth, before giving up and driving home. Nana was in the kitchen but she didn’t come out. Nana wasn’t speaking to her today. Because of Phil. Ginny had tried to explain, after Phil had left, but Nana would have none of it. She just didn’t understand how she could let a good man go.

She walked to the phone and punched out the Dobson’s number, counting ten rings before she hung up. Where was she? Was she all right?

They ate their dinner in silence until Ginny couldn’t stand it another second.

"Nana, how long are you going to be this way?"

"What way?" she asked.

"I’m not in the mood, Nana. I’ve had a very bad day," she said wearily. "Why won’t you talk to me?"

"It’s your own fault you’ve had a bad day, sending that poor man away like that," she said.

"Would you have me marry him, knowing that I don’t love him?"

"But he loves you," Nana insisted, as if that was enough.

"But what about me? Don’t I count?"

"You’re nearly thirty," Nana said.

"Twenty-eight," she corrected. "And so what?" She leaned forward. "I don’t need a man, Nana," she said.

"Oh, pooh. Everyone needs a man."

"For what?" Ginny challenged. "I’ve got a job. I can support myself."

"Babies," Nana countered.

"I don’t think I want babies," Ginny said.

"Ginny! Of course you do. I want to be a great-grandmother," she said.

"You already are."

"As if I’ve ever seen Becky’s kids."

Ginny shrugged, certainly not wanting to bring her sister into the conversation. She didn’t want to completely ruin her day.

"Ginny, what’s been wrong? If I didn’t know better, I’d say you changed when you met Kara, but that would hardly be fair to her."

"Nana," Ginny said seriously. "I can’t tell you what’s wrong. You would never understand."

Nana opened her mouth to speak, but Ginny held up her hands. "Enough. Let’s call a truce."

When Nana took her book into the living room, Ginny sat nervously in the kitchen, her hand reaching for the phone. She was actually startled to hear a voice on the other end.

"What?" Kara asked briskly.

"Where have you been?" Ginny demanded.

"Out."

"Out where? I’ve been calling you all day, I came by. Kara, are you okay?" Ginny asked quietly.

"No. But don’t worry about it. I’ll get over it."

"I’m coming over," Ginny said.

"No. I don’t want to see you," Kara said.

"Tough! I want to see you," Ginny replied. "I need to see you."

"Ginny, don’t do this to me. Let’s just leave it alone."

"We’ve got to talk," Ginny insisted quietly.

"I don’t want to talk."

"I’m coming over."

"I won’t answer the door," Kara warned.

"The hell you won’t!"

Ginny hung up on Kara’s expletive and walked to her room, quickly exchanging sweatpants for jeans.

"Who was that on the phone?" Nana called hopefully. "Phil?"

"Kara." Ginny walked back out, keys dangling in her hands. "I’m going over there for a minute," she said.

"This late? Whatever for?" Nana asked, puzzled.

"I need to talk. I won’t be long."

Ginny found Kara on the back porch, smoking. She walked to her chair and squatted down beside her.

"Your fifth?" she asked lightly.

"I haven’t stopped at five since the day I met you," Kara said.

Ginny took the cigarette from her fingers and stubbed it out, her eyebrows raised at the sight of the overflowing ashtray. "Well, we’ll have to work on that, won’t we."

"Why are you here?" Kara asked.

"Why do you think?" Ginny took Kara’s hand between her own and rubbed it lightly. "I never meant for you to get hurt. I just wanted to see you, to be with you, regardless that Phil was there, too." Her voice lowered. "It was you I wanted to be with."

"But you slept with him." Kara finally raised wounded eyes to Ginny. "Didn’t you?"

"Yes. I did. And it was a very… big mistake," she said softly. "He wasn’t you. He couldn’t make me feel the way that you do, Kara. But I had to know," she whispered. "I had to know if what I feel with you is real or if I was just running from him." Ginny reached out and touched Kara’s face, her hand pushing lightly against her clinched jaw. "Please understand, Kara."

"I do. I know this is new for you, this thing between us. But, when Louise dropped the bombshell… the scent of you was still fresh on my fingers," she whispered.

"I’m so sorry. I had no idea that was coming." Ginny lowered her eyes, then brought them back to Kara when she felt tears forming there. "The night before, he tried to touch me again, I asked him to stop, but… he wouldn’t. He . . .." She let her tears fall as she remembered how she’d laid there as he took her. She should have stopped him. She should have fought him. But she didn’t. She just laid there while he took her.

"Ginny?" Kara whispered, her eyes too brimming with tears.

"I was crying and he didn’t understand. But I couldn’t tell him. Not then. I slept on the couch. I think maybe he felt that he was losing me so he used Nana against me. He knows how much she wants us to get married."

"He raped you?" Kara asked, her voice thick with emotion.

"It wasn’t exactly rape, Kara. But it wasn’t consensual." Ginny reached out a hand and gently caressed Kara’s face, feeling the dampness of tears there. "I’m so sorry. I’ll understand if you don’t want anything more to do with me."

Kara squeezed her eyes shut, wishing she didn’t feel so strongly about her. Wishing she hadn’t fallen in love with her. And wishing she didn’t hurt so.

"Ginny, I came up here, not looking for anything but to sketch and paint. But when I met you, when I got to know you… I…" She let her thought go unfinished. How could she tell this woman, this woman she’d known only two months, that she’d fallen in love with her? "I don’t want to just walk away from this. But you, this is so new for you, so different. I don’t expect you to just abandon the life that you know and assume that this is what you want. There’s so much out there for you. So many opportunities."

"So many other women, you mean?"

When Kara didn’t answer, Ginny stood and tugged on Kara’s hand.

"Let’s go inside. I want to lay with you… and I want to hold you," she said softly. "We’ll talk later," she promised.

They undressed slowly, touching each other only with their eyes, and Kara lifted the covers, pulling Ginny into her arms. They held each other, arms stroking soothingly, calmly.

"What did you tell him?" Kara finally asked, her words spoken softly, slowly.

"I told him that I wasn’t in love with him and that I would never marry him," Ginny said.

"And Louise?"

"Nana doesn’t understand. She’s still angry with me for sending him away," she said as her hand rubbed slow circles on Kara’s waist. "I wanted to tell her about you but I just couldn’t."

"No. I don’t blame you for that. She would hate me."

"Yes. I think she would," she admitted. Nana would blame Kara for Phil leaving. She would never understand how Ginny could find her magic with another woman.

"Ginny…" Kara ran her fingers through Ginny’s soft hair, brushing it back from her face. "Tell me what you want from me," she whispered.

"I’m not sure," Ginny admitted. "Like you said, this is new for me. I know that no one has ever made me feel this way, made me want like this. I know that, Kara. When I’m with you, like this, nothing else matters."

Kara moved her hands over Ginny’s breasts, feeling the nipples harden at her touch.

Ginny smiled and closed her eyes at the now familiar touch. How was it that in such a short time, she could know, without a doubt, that this touch was what she’d craved all her life? The soft, gentle touch of this woman? The only time she’d ever felt complete in her entire life was when this woman touched her, made love to her. She moved, rolling onto her side and fitting her body next to Kara’s, breasts on breasts, stomach, hips and thighs molding together. Finally, mouths met, gently, quietly, then with more hunger.

Kara wondered if it was enough, this fire that burned between them. And for how long? Kara wondered when Ginny would tire of her lovemaking, when would she go looking for someone else, someone else she could compare this to. Kara had had many lovers over the years, but none had stirred her soul quite the way that Ginny had.

But what about Ginny? There was a whole new world of opportunity out there for her. Maybe not here, but certainly in Seattle, where the lesbian community was thriving. She could meet any number of women, make new friends, begin relationships.

That’s what really bothered her. She had fallen in love with this woman, she wanted to be with her; she wanted a relationship with her. And that scared her more than she wanted to admit. She’d had only one in her life. Marsha. And she thought, at the time that it ended, that she would never again share her life so completely with anyone. But here she was, wanting Ginny that way. Wanting to wake up with her each morning, wanting to share in her life, be a part of it. Be a big part.