When darkness came, she turned around, heading back to the ferry and Seattle. She would have dinner, she thought, and maybe call up one of her old friends. They could sit around and talk about her miserable love life! She could just image the look on their faces should she confess that she had fallen in love with a woman.

She could always walk to Capitol Hill, the unofficial gay neighborhood of Seattle. Maybe stroll down Broadway for an hour or so and have dinner at one of the restaurants there. In spite of her mood, that sounded much more appealing than room service and another night alone.

She parked two blocks away, the foot traffic heavy on a Saturday night and she blended in with the crowd. She found herself staring at the two women walking in front of her, holding hands. They were young, early twenties, she thought, but still, they looked so comfortable with each other. She immediately thought of Kara and pictured them walking arm and arm like this. She tore her eyes away and looked at other faces, strangers in the crowd. She walked into the indoor mall, pushing through the milling shoppers. Coffee. Real Seattle coffee. She stood in line at the coffee bar, dying for a real latte after months of relying on her portable espresso machine.

She took her coffee and stopped at the newspaper stand, the local gay paper catching her eye. She bought one, taking it to a table with her.

It was all there. Bars, diners, bookstores and any other gay-oriented activity she could possibly want. To say she was surprised was an understatement. She just had no idea how large the gay community was in Seattle. She knew now that she had purposefully ignored that part of city before.

She flipped through the pages, looking for women’s bars. Perhaps Kara was right. Maybe she did need to explore her newfound sexuality. Maybe she was rushing things with Kara.

Of course she wasn’t, though. She knew how she felt about Kara. But it wouldn’t hurt to look, she told herself. Kara obviously didn’t want her. With that, she went back to her hotel to change and to mentally prepare herself for a night out on the town.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

KARA STOOD STARING at the empty canvas, brush in hand, when the knocking on her door disrupted her thoughts. Who? No one knew she was back.

Marsha. Kara’s breath caught at the sight of her. She hadn’t seen her in over a year. She was as beautiful as ever

"My God, look at you," Marsha said and raised up on tiptoe to kiss her lips.

Kara smiled, surprised at how glad she was to see her. "What in the world are you doing here?"

"Can’t I visit an old friend?" Marsha asked.

Kara shut the door and followed Marsha inside, smelling the perfume that she remembered from long ago.

"When Stephanie told me you were back, I said, no, it can’t be. It’s still summer. You should be out camping or something, looking for your colors," she said, with just a hint of bitterness in her voice.

"I came back early," Kara said.

"You never did that for me."

Their eyes met and Kara smiled. "Did you come here to fight?"

Marsha pulled out a cigarette and waited for Kara to light it. "No. I came to visit," she said.

Kara poured them each a glass of scotch and shoved a cigarette between her own lips. "Let’s go outside," she said.

"I miss it here," Marsha said, when they settled on the deck.

"Where’s Robin?" Kara asked, surprised that she felt no anger.

"Things didn’t work out," Marsha said.

"I’m sorry."

Marsha waved her apology aside. "It’s ironic, really. She said I worked too much, that I was never around."

Kara laughed. "How long ago?"

"Oh, it’s been several months now." Marsha pulled on her cigarette, letting the smoke out slowly. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Anyone in your life?"

Kara laughed again. "You know me. All work and no play."

Marsha leaned forward, her index finger reaching out to touch Kara’s hand. "Want to play now?" she asked wickedly.

Kara met her eyes, knowing that beneath her teasing tones, she was very serious.

"I’ve missed being with you," Marsha continued.

Kara smiled, thinking that if she had come a few months ago, she might have been tempted. But she let Marsha kiss her. Her mouth parted and she actually hoped that she could still feel something for her. But she didn’t. She pulled away, not looking at her and she brought her cigarette to her lips.

Marsha leaned back and watched her. "So, who is she?" she asked.

"Who?"

Marsha laughed. "I saw your paintings."

"And?"

"And you forget. I watched you paint for six years. I’ve never seen that much passion in one painting before."

Kara swallowed the last of her drink, but said nothing.

"Are you in love with her? The woman in your painting?"

"My, but you are perceptive," Kara said lightly.

Marsha took her hand again. "Look at you. You’re all tense." She squeezed her arm. "Why don’t you tell me about it?"

"You don’t want to hear it, I’m sure," Kara said.

Marsha shrugged. "What are friends for?"

Kara smiled at her, liking her more now than she had in years. Kara held up her empty glass. "I’ll need another for this story," she said.

"I’ll get it," Marsha said and came back with the bottle and their cigarettes. "Now, do tell."

"Just like that?"

"Yes. You’ve fallen in love. I want to know all about her," Marsha said.

Kara laughed. "She’s straight."

"Kara! Have you lost your mind?"

"Maybe I should rephrase that. She was straight when I met her."

"Why, you devil," Marsha teased. "Now I’m really interested."

"I’m in over my head, Marsha," Kara said, taking out her cigarettes and lighting one.

Marsha laughed. "This is so interesting. Kara Morgan in over her head!" Marsha grinned. "Tell me how it started."

"She owns a little grocery store in Chiwaukum, in the Wenatchee Mountains," Kara said. "I rented a cabin there for the summer."

"She owns a grocery store? How old is she?"

"Twenty-eight," Kara said.

"A child," Marsha said and grinned. "I love it. Go on," she said.

Kara shrugged. "We became friends. She told me about Phil, this guy in Seattle who wanted to marry her and I told her about women," Kara said.

"And?"

"And we became more than friends," Kara said quietly, remembering. "And then Phil shows up, wanting to take her back to Seattle and that’s a whole different story," Kara said. "Anyway, she sent him away."

"Wait, wait," Marsha said. "I want to hear the part about Phil. I love it when men don’t get their way."

"I must have been insane," Kara said. "They invited me on a cookout, Louise and all," she said.

"Who’s Louise?"

"Grandmother," Kara said. "Anyway, I shouldn’t have gone. I mean, Phil was there, I knew they had probably slept together and I was crazy with jealousy. But I went. Ginny and I took a walk around sunset, to the Big Tree," she said.

"Your painting?"

"Yes. We’re standing there, up against this tree…"

"Making love?"

"Yes. And Phil comes looking for us, but we don’t stop. We couldn’t. That’s when I knew for certain that I loved her."

"Jesus. Did he catch you?"

"No. But when we got back, Louise announced that Phil and Ginny are getting married."

"Kara?"

"I know," she said. "I’m crazy."

"But she sent him away?"

"Yes. And I left."

"Just like that?"

"She said that she loved me," Kara said.

"And you ran for your life?"

Kara shrugged. "She’s not straight, Marsha. She only thought she was."

"Oh, Kara. Do I know you or what?"

"Meaning?"

"You’re just protecting yourself, aren’t you? In case she finds out there are other fish in the sea?"

Kara laughed. "Very good," she said, inhaling deeply on her cigarette.

"Kara, you can be so stubborn sometimes. Don’t you know what a good catch you are?"

Kara laughed again. "You didn’t think so."

"I was selfish. I wanted more of you than you could give me."

"I’m sorry."

Marsha shook her head. "So? When are you going back?"

"I don’t know that I am."

"Why not?"

"She just ended a five-year relationship with a man. A man who thought they were going to get married. And now she’s discovered that…"

"She’s gay?"

"Yes. There was a woman once, before Phil, that she was involved with. Well, not sexually, but they were headed that way and she ran from it. Now that she’s accepted who she is, she’s got her whole life in front of her."

"And you’re scared she won’t choose you?"

"Something like that," Kara murmured.

"So you leave before she has a chance to tell you."

"Something like that," she said again.

"You haven’t told her, have you?"

"What?"

"That you’re in love with her."

Kara shook her head. "No. And I doubt that I will."

Marsha smiled and touched her glass to Kara’s. "Here’s to foolish women in love," she said lightly. "Foolish being the key word, Kara."

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

GINNY WALKED INTO the bar, feeling that every eye in the room was on her. More women than she ever thought she’d see were crammed together in the loud and smoky club. She shoved her way to the bar and got a beer, then walked through the crowd, looking at faces, suddenly wondering what she would do if Kara was there. But of course, she wouldn’t be. Ginny didn’t think that bars were Kara’s style.

She had scarcely taken a drink from her beer when a pretty, young women, barely college age, asked her to dance. Ginny stared at her, shocked, then politely declined. For a moment, she had forgotten where she was and why. She was embarrassed and wanted to call the girl back, but she let her go. She wasn’t interested in that woman in the least.

She didn’t decline her next offer, even though the woman was even more masculine that Phil. She was at least closer to Ginny’s age.

"I’m Mandy," the woman said.

Mandy? This was no Mandy! "Ginny. Nice to meet you."

The woman pulled her close and Ginny could smell bourbon on her breath and she turned her face away from her.

"I haven’t seen you around before," Mandy said.

"I’m just visiting," Ginny explained.

"I hope for awhile," Mandy said seductively.

"Leaving in the morning, I’m afraid," Ginny lied. She felt the woman’s large breasts press against her own and she wanted to pull away.

"That’s a shame. But the night’s long," Mandy whispered in her ear.

Not long enough to convince me to stay with you! "I’m actually waiting for someone," Ginny lied again. She prayed that the song would end.

"Well, just my luck," Mandy said but she continued to hold Ginny close.

Ginny suffered through the slow dance, escaping Mandy’s arms as soon as the song ended and moved to the other side of the room, away from Mandy.

She made herself stay until midnight, enduring countless dances with strangers, none of whom stirred even the slightest desire in her. None of them could compare to Kara, not that she thought any of them ever would.

Back at her hotel, she lay on her bed, fully clothed, feeling even more depressed than before. Kara, where are you? I need you.

She closed her eyes and let silent tears fall, feeling her heart breaking all over again. How could she love someone so much, finally, and they just leave her? Leave with a half-assed excuse that it was for her own good? It made no sense.

And it wasn’t fair. She had been looking for so long. Looking for that magic, that burning desire. And she had finally found it with Kara. And now she was gone from her life as quickly as she had come into it.

She awoke during the night and undressed, crawling beneath the covers finally. But she couldn’t sleep any more. She tossed and turned, her thoughts jumbled with memories of Kara. Kara’s lips coming to her; Kara’s hands cupping her breasts. Kara’s mouth settling over her, taking her to heights she had only dreamed of. Kara. Kara’s face. Kara’s eyes. Kara.

She got up. Angry.

"Damn her," she whispered to her empty room. She had to stop. She couldn’t go on like this. It was slowly driving her insane, this desire, this need she had for Kara.