How could I possibly make excuses for such a man?

Yet it had been such a happy Christmas until I had overheard that conversation.

I undressed thoughtfully and lay in bed listening to the far-off music. Down there they would be dancing and no one would miss me. How foolish I had been to indulge in daydreams in which I had deceived myself into believing that I was of some importance to the Comte. This night had shown me how preposterous that was. I didn’t belong here. I had not understood there were such men in the world as the Comte de la Talle. But I was beginning to. Tonight I had learned a great deal.

Now I must be reasonable, sensible. I tried not to think of the Comte and his mistress, and another picture came into my mind. Jean Pierre with the crown on his head King for a day.

I thought of his complacent expression, the pleasure he had taken in his temporary power.

All men, I thought, would be kings in their own castles.

And with that I fell into a sleep, but in my dreams I was disturbed and I was aware of a great shadow hanging over me which I knew was the hopeless future, but I covered up my eyes and refused to see it.

Seven

On the first day of the New Year Genevieve told me that she was going to ride over to Maison Carrefour to see her grandfather and wanted me to accompany her.

I thought it would be interesting to see the old house again so I readily agreed.

“When my mother was alive,” Genevieve told me, ‘we always went to see Grandfather on New Year’s Day. All children in France do the same. ”

“It’s a nice custom.”

“Cake and chocolate are brought for the children while the grownups drink wine and eat wine cakes. Then the children play the piano or the violin to show how they are getting on. Sometimes they have to recite.”

“Are you going to do this?”

“No, I shall have to say my catechism, though. My grandfather likes prayers better than the piano or the violin.”

I wondered how she felt about the visits to that strange house, and couldn’t resist asking: “You like going?”

She frowned and looked puzzled.

“I don’t know. I want to go, and then . when I’m there, sometimes I feel as though I can’t bear it any more. I want to run out… right away and never go there again. My mother used to talk of it so much that I sometimes feel I’ve lived there myself. I don’t know whether I want to go or not, miss.”

When we reached the house Maurice let us in and took us to the old man, who looked more feeble than when I had last seen him.

“You know what day it is. Grandfather?” asked Genevieve.

And when he did not answer, she put her lips to his ear and said: “New Year’s Day! So I’ve come to see you. Mademoiselle Lawson is here, too.”

He caught my name and nodded.

“Good of you to come. You will excuse my not rising.”

We sat down near him. Yes, he had changed. There was a complete lack of serenity in his eyes; they looked like those of a lost man who is trying hard to find his way through a jungle. I guessed what he was searching for was memory.

“Shall I ring the bell?” asked Genevieve.

“We are rather hungry. I should like my cakes and chocolate, and I’m sure Mademoiselle Lawson is thirsty.”

He did not answer so she rang the bell. Maurice appeared and she ordered what she wanted.

“Grandfather is not so well today,” she said to Maurice.

“He has his bad days. Mademoiselle Genevieve.”

“I don’t think he knows what today is.” Genevieve sighed and sat down.

“Grandfather,” she went on, ‘we had a treasure hunt on Christmas night at the chateau and Ma demoiselle Lawson won. “

“The only treasure is in Heaven,” he said.

“Oh, yes. Grandfather, but while you’re waiting for that it’s nice to find some on earth.”

He looked puzzled.

“You say your prayers?”

“Night and morning,” she answered.

“It is not enough. You, my child, must pray more earnestly than most.

You have need of help. You were born in sin. “

“Yes, Grandfather, I know we all are but I do say my prayers. Nounou makes me.”

“Ah, the good Nounou! Always be kind to Nounou; she is a good soul.”

“She wouldn’t let me forget my prayers, Grandfather.”

Maurice returned with wine, cakes and chocolate.

“Thank you, Maurice,” said Genevieve.

“I will serve them.

Grandfather,” she continued, ‘on Christmas Day Mademoiselle Lawson and I went to a party and they had a creche and a cake with a crown in it.

I wish you had had lots of sons and daughters, then their children would have been my cousins. They would all be here today and we could have had a cake with a crown in it. “

He didn’t follow what she was saying; and had turned his gaze on me. I tried to make some sort of conversation but I could only think of that cell-like room and the chest which contained the whip and hair shirt.

He was a fanatic-that much was obvious. But why had he become so?

And what sort of life had Francoise led here? Why had she died when he had had a stroke? Was it because she could not endure to live without him? Without this man this wide-eyed cadaverous fanatic in this gloomy house with its cell and chest. when she was married to the Comte and the chateau was her home!

Everyone may not think that such a glorious fate as you do. I checked my thoughts. What had made me think such a thing? A glorious fate . when one who had suffered it yes, suffered was the word had killed herself.

But why . why? What had started as idle curiosity was becoming a burning desire to know. Yet, I quickly told myself, there is nothing unusual in this. This passionate interest in the affairs of others was inherent. I had this curiosity to know how people’s minds worked just as I cared deeply why a painter had used such a subject, why he had portrayed it in such a way, what had been behind his interpretation, his use of colour and mood.

The old man could not take his eyes from me.

“I can’t see you very well,” he said.

“Could you come closer?”

I drew my chair close to him.

“It was wrong,” he whispered, ‘quite wrong. “

He was talking to himself and I glanced at Genevieve, who was busily selecting a piece of chocolate from the dish Maurice had brought.

“Francoise must not know,” he said.

I knew his mind was wandering then and that I had been right when I had thought he was not so well as when we had last seen him.

He peered at me.

“Yes, you do look well today. Quiet.”

“Thank you, I feel well.”

“It was a mistake…. It was my cross and I was not strong enough to carry it.”

I was silent, wondering whether we ought to call Maurice.

He did not take his eyes from my face, and drew himself back in his chair as though he were afraid of me; as he moved, the rug about him slipped and I caught it and wrapped it about him. He recoiled and shouted: “Go away. Leave me. You know my burden, Honorine.”

I said: “Call Maurice.” And Genevieve ran from the room.

The old man had gripped my wrist; I felt his nails in my skin.

“You are not to blame,” he said.

“The sin is mine. It is my burden. I carry it to my grave…. Why are you not… ? Why did I… ? Oh, the tragedy … Francoise … little Francoise. Go away. Keep away from me. Honorine, why do you tempt me?”

Maurice came hurrying into the room. He took the rug and wrapped it round the old man and said over his shoulder: “Slip outside. It would be better.”

So Genevieve and I went out of the room while Maurice took the crucifix which was hanging about the old man’s neck and put it into his hands.

“That was frightening,” I said.

“Were you frightened, miss?” asked Genevieve, almost pleased.

“He was wandering in his mind.”

“He often does. After all he’s very old.”

“We shouldn’t have come.”

“That’s what Papa says.”

“You mean he forbids it?”

“Not exactly, because he isn’t told when I’m coming. But if he knew, he would have.”

“Then …”

“Grandfather was my mother’s father. Papa doesn’t like him for that reason. After all he didn’t like my mother, did he?”

As we rode back to the chateau, I said to Genevieve:

“He thought I was someone else. Once or twice he called me Honorine.”

“She was my mother’s mother.”

“He seemed … afraid of her.”

Genevieve was thoughtful.

“It’s odd that my grandfather should be afraid of anyone.”

I couldn’t resist talking to Nounou about our visit to Carrefour.

She shook her head.

“Genevieve shouldn’t,” she said.

“It’s better not.”

“She wanted to go because of the New Year custom of visiting grandparents.”

“Customs are good in some families not in others.”

“They are not observed much in this family,” I suggested.

“Oh, customs are for the poor. They make something to live for.”

“I think rich and poor enjoy them. But I wish we hadn’t gone.

Genevieve’s grandfather was wandering in his mind and it was not pleasant. “

“Mademoiselle Genevieve should wait until he sends for her. She shouldn’t pay these surprise calls.”

“He must have been very different when you were there … when Francoise was a child, I mean.”

“He was always a strict man. With himself and others. He should have been a monk.”

“Perhaps he thought so. I have seen that cell-like place where I imagined he slept at one time.”

Nounou nodded again.

“Such a man should never have married,” she said.

“But Francoise didn’t know what was going on. I tried to make it all natural for her.”

“What was going on?” I asked.

She shot a sharp look at me.

“He wasn’t cut out to be a father. He wanted the house run like a … monastery.”

“And her mother … Honorine.”

Nounou turned away.

“She was an invalid.”

“No,” I said, ‘not a happy childhood for poor Francoise . a father a fanatic, a mother an invalid. “

“I saw that she was happy.”

“Yes, she sounds happy with her embroidery and piano lessons. She writes about them as though she enjoys them. When her mother died ..”

“Yes?” said Nounou sharply.

“Was she very unhappy?”

Nounou rose and from a drawer took another of those little notebooks.

“Read it,” she said.

I opened it. She had been for a walk. She had had her music lesson.

She had embroidered the altar cloth she was working on; she had had lessons with her governess. The orderly life of an ordinary little girl.

And then came the entry: “Papa came to the schoolroom this morning when we were doing history. He looked very sad and said: ” I have news for you, Francoise. You have no mother now! ” I felt I ought to cry but I couldn’t. And Papa looked at me so sadly and sternly.

“Your mother has been ill for a long time and could never have been well. This is God’s answer to our prayers.” I had not prayed that she should die, I said; and he replied that God worked in a mysterious way. We had prayed for my mother and this was a happy release.

“Her troubles are over now,” he said. And he went out of the schoolroom. “

“Papa has been sitting in the death chamber for two days and nights.

He has not left it and I have been there too to pay my respects to the dead. I knelt by the bed for a long time and I cried bitterly. I thought it was because Maman was dead but it was really because my knees hurt and I didn’t like being there. Papa prays all the time; and it is all about forgiveness for his sins. I was frightened for if he is so sinful what about the rest of us who don’t pray half as much as he does? “

“Maman wears a nightdress in her coffin. Papa says she is now at peace. All the servants have been in to pay their last respects. Papa stays there and prays all the time for forgiveness.”

“Today was the funeral. It was a magnificent sight. The horses wore plumes and sable trappings. I walked with Papa at the head of the procession with a black veil all over my face and the new black frock which Nounou sat up all night to finish. I cried when we came out of the church and stood beside the hearse while the orator told everyone that Maman had been a saint. It seemed dreadful that such a good person should die.”

“It is quiet in the house. Papa is in his cell. I know he is praying because when I stood outside the door I could hear him. He prays for forgiveness, that his great sin may die with him, that he alone shall suffer. I think he is asking God not to be too hard on Maman when she gets to heaven and that whatever the Great Sin was, it was his fault not hers.”