Philippa Carr - Lament for a Lost Lover

“Of course I do. I have a confession to make. I heard you and Fleurette quarrelling about him on the stairs.”

“So you were eavesdropping.” She laughed aloud. “Now, my not so virtuous Arabella, how can you criticize me? So you overheard us, did you?”

“Yes, and I saw you trip down the stairs.”

“Good! That added authenticity to my hurt ankle.”

“So you went from Gervais to Jabot?”

“What a difference. Jabot was a man of the world. He was quite an actor. A pity he did not have a better chance to show his talents. Perhaps he will one day. He is ambitious, but women will be his downfall. He can’t resist them and he likes them in variety.”

“He liked you and Fleurette.”

“Among a thousand others. But he had talents … Jules Jabot … in many directions. He noticed me at once. I talked to him. I pleaded that I was the maiden in distress. The son of the house had forced his attentions on me and because of this I was asked to leave. Jules Jabot has a romantic streak. He said afterwards I played my part well. I told him, of course, that I came of an acting family and he took me along to Monsieur Lamotte. As a result, when they left I went with them and stayed with them for several months and then one day we came to Château Congrève and you know the rest.”

“Why did you want to leave them for us?”

“It was a hard life. I would rather be a successful actress than anything, but not a strolling player. There is little comfort in it. Only those with a love of the profession could do it. Jabot lived on the adulation of the audience. You should have seen him after one of his heroic performances. He strutted like a cockerel. Women will be his downfall. There was always trouble for Jabot about women. He had that something which is irresistible.”

“What! Another of them!”

“You mean that I have it?”

“And your mother …”

“You may smile, dear Arabella, but one day you may know what I mean. Let me tell you this. You are completely ignorant of the world in which I have lived. It may be that you will always remain so. So many people do.”

“Not now we have met,” I said soberly.

She looked at me steadily. “I see,” she said, “that I have brought some change in your life.”

“What happened with you and Jabot? Was he your lover?” She did not answer but looked at me rather mockingly. “So soon after Gervais?”

“It was piquant, because he was so different. I loved Gervais. He was so tender, reverent. Jabot was quite different, certain of success and arrogant. And one an aristocrat and the other a poor strolling player. You see what I mean?”

“There would be a word to describe your conduct, Harriet.”

“Come, tell me what it is.”

“Wanton.”

She laughed aloud this time. “And are you deeply shocked? Would you send me away for fear I contaminate you and your little sister and perhaps your brother?”

“You will leave Lucas alone,” I said fiercely.

“He is young enough to be safe. You do not understand me. I am a normal woman, Arabella. I love and I give and I take. That is all. You have seen Jabot. Surely you understand?”

“He was Fleurette’s lover too.”

“That was before I came. She never forgave me, but if I had not been there, there would have been someone else.”

“What I don’t understand is that you seem to take it all so lightly.”

“That, dear Arabella, is the way to life. Enjoy it while you can, and when that which you enjoyed passes from you, look for something else to take its place.”

“It must have been very dull for you at the château after these adventures. We had no lovers to offer you.”

“You had a certain comfort. I was tired of the road. I knew they were going to fail in Paris. I had had enough of them all … even Jabot. I think he was cooling off and I like to be the one who cools off first. You interested me greatly. Do you know, as soon as I saw you I knew we should be friends. I enjoyed my little charade … and the way you took it was just what I would have expected of you. Now you have made me respectable for your mother and that has strengthened the bonds between us. You know that, Arabella.”

“I wish …” I began.

“That I were the sort of young woman you would meet in your normal social round if you were in England? No, you don’t. You know I am different. That’s why you like me. I could never conform to a pattern. And do you know, Arabella, I have a feeling that you couldn’t either.”

“I don’t know. I feel I don’t know very much about myself.”

“Never mind. You’re learning.” She yawned. “And do you know, I fancy there may be some surprises in store for you. Now I will go to my room. Good night, Arabella.”

After she had left me I sat thinking of her for a long time.

A few days later a messenger rode over with a letter which was addressed to me.

I sent him to Marianne and Jeanne to be given food and drink and a room to rest in while I read my letter. It was addressed to Mistress Arabella Tolworthy, and came from Villers Tourron.

Dear Mistress Tolworthy,

I have had the great pleasure of meeting your parents in Cologne and have heard much about you and your family. We have recently arrived at Villers Tourron and, as like yourselves, are in exile awaiting the summons to return, I think it would give us all great pleasure if we met. We have a large house here and although not like home, we can entertain our friends. Your parents have given their permission for you and your brother to visit us and I and my family are hoping that you will do so. My son and daughter are with me at the moment. Edwin, my son, will shortly be joining the King, for as you know there is much activity in that quarter just now and hopes are high. If you would care to accept this invitation, do please give a message to our man. It is a two days’ journey by road and there is a comfortable inn on the way where you could spend the night. There is no reason why we should delay and I suggest that you should come in two weeks’ time. Do please say yes. Having met your parents and heard so much about you, we are all eager to meet you and your brother.

Matilda Eversleigh.

I was delighted. It would be interesting. I went to find Lucas to tell him about it.

He was in the schoolroom with Harriet. I was glad the children were not there. They would hate our going away, but naturally we could not expect the Eversleighs to invite them.

“Lucas,” I cried, “here’s an invitation from the Eversleighs.”

“The people our mother mentioned. Let me see.”

He read the letter, Harriet looking over his shoulder as he did so.

“You want to go?” she asked.

“I think we must. Our parents want us to.”

“It should be interesting,” said Lucas. “After all, we stay here all the time. It used to be so dull, though we never noticed it much. Only when …”

Harriet gave him a dazzling smile.

“We shouldn’t be away long, I suppose,” finished Lucas.

“Two weeks perhaps,” I said.

“What of the children?” asked Harriet.

“In her letter our mother said they would be all right with the servants. And so they should be.”

“They’ll hate your going,” said Harriet.

“For a few days and then they’ll be used to it. And think of the excitement for them when we come back.”

“I shall miss you,” said Harriet wistfully.

I said I would go to my room and write the acceptance of the invitation; and I left Lucas and Harriet together.

The messenger went off with my letter, and as soon as he had gone I began going through my wardrobe. What one wore was not important at Congrève but visiting would be different.

The door opened and Harriet came in.

She looked at the brown dress which lay on my bed. “You can’t take that,” she said. “It doesn’t suit you.”

She picked it up firmly and hung it up in the cupboard.

“You have very little to go visiting in, Arabella,” she said. “I think we should attempt some refurbishing.”

“I daresay they live much the same as we do. They’re in exile too.”

“They contemplate entertaining so they will surely make some show. Really we shall have to look into our wardrobes. I could lend you something if I wasn’t …”

She hesitated and I looked at her sharply.

“Coming with you,” she added slyly.

“Coming with us. But …”

“It will be more fun,” she said. “Just think how we will talk of it afterwards. You’ll need me there, Arabella.”

“But the invitation was for me and my brother.”

“How could it be otherwise when they didn’t know I was here?”

I looked at her steadily. Her eyes were dancing with mockery.

“How can you come, Harriet, when you have not been invited?”

“It’s simple. If I had been your sister, they would not have hesitated to ask me.”

“But you are not my sister.”

“But I am your friend.”

“You couldn’t just arrive with us. How could I explain your being there?”

“You will explain beforehand. It is so easy. ‘Dear Lady Eversleigh, I have a friend who has been staying with me for some time, and I could not really leave her at the château while we are away. I answered your invitation in a rush of pleasure because I was so delighted to have it. But now I see that I cannot really leave this friend. It would be most impolite and I know you will understand. She is charming, of excellent family, in fact one of ourselves. Now if it would make no difference to you, it might be that you will extend your invitation to her. … If so how delighted we shall all be to come. Do forgive the blunder I have made. It was such a joy to get your invitation that I suppose I answered it without thinking of my responsibilities. …’ There, what about that.”

“I can’t do it, Harriet. It would be quite wrong.”

“I think it would be quite right. But of course if you would rather I did not come …”

“I know it would not be half as much fun without you. But I don’t see …”

Harriet spent the rest of the afternoon making me see. And the next day Jacques rode over with a note such as she had suggested.

He came back in a few days with a reply.

My dear Mistress Tolworthy,

But of course we shall welcome your friend. She must come and be a member of our party. My son and daughter are very much looking forward to meeting you.

Matilda Eversleigh.

When I showed Harriet the reply she laughed with pleasure. “What did I tell you?” she demanded. And I must say I was delighted that she was coming with us.

JACQUES ACCOMPANIED US. AFTER our arrival he would go back to Congrève, but it had seemed wise to have him with us on the road. We stayed a night at the inn which the Eversleighs had recommended and the following day arrived at Château Tourron.

It was much more grand than Congrève. There were no goats or chickens in sight, and it had an air of graciousness though a little decayed.

Jacques led us into the stables where grooms hurried up to take our horses, evidently having been warned that we were coming.

A servant appeared and took us into the hall where Lady Eversleigh was waiting to greet us.

She was a tall woman, somewhere in her late forties, I guessed, with masses of light fluffy hair and rather babyish blue eyes and fluttering hands. She was clearly pleased to see us and turned first to Harriet.

“I am so delighted you have come,” she said. “I so much enjoyed meeting your mother …”

Harriet smiled and, lifting her hand slightly, indicated me.

“I am Arabella Tolworthy,” I said.

“But, of course. So like your mother. How could I not have seen? My dear, welcome, and this is your friend … and your brother. We are so pleased to have you. Was the inn comfortable? We have stayed there and found it good … as inns go. Now you must be tired and wish to wash or have some refreshment. We will show you to your rooms first. Have you brought much baggage with you? So difficult travelling. I will have it brought up.”

Lucas said we had two saddle horses and they were in the stables.

“One of the men will see to that. Now come with me. I have put you two ladies together. I hope you will not mind. We have not a great deal of room. My son and daughter are so pleased that you have come. They will tell you so themselves. There are some little ones left behind, I believe. Oh, dear, what a pity they are so young!”