Maya Banks - Letting Go

Fuck that. If she only gave him the chance, he’d prove to her that she could be that happy again. That not only would another man give her the world, but that he’d love her and cherish her. He’d wrap her in cotton and protect her from everything that could ever hurt her.

“Have you decided on his replacement?” she asked quietly.

He covered her hand with his and squeezed. “Honey, I’m not replacing him. No one could ever replace Carson. He built this business. He made it what it is today. I helped, yes, but this was his vision. His brainchild. He was a brilliant, business-minded man.”

She smiled. “Have you decided on the new partner yet then? Or have you only just recently made the decision?”

“Yes and no,” he said. “I met Jensen some years ago when Carson was still alive. Carson and I had actually discussed bringing him in as a third partner when we decided to expand. And we’d planned to in the next year. But that was before he died so unexpectedly.”

“Is that his name? Jensen? Have I met him?”

She frowned, her brow wrinkling in concentration. She was evidently trying to place the name. He almost laughed. As if she’d ever notice another man with Carson in the same room. It had been one of the things he most envied about Carson. Joss’s absolute devotion and fidelity when it came to her husband.

When he was with her, she had eyes for no one else. Her focus was on him, her love for him evident in the warmth of her gaze. More than one man had looked at Carson with envy in his eyes. And the hell of it was she was oblivious to her allure. She had no idea that in a room full of business associates every male’s eyes were on her. Lusting after her. Eaten alive with jealousy over Carson’s good fortune.

“He was likely at one or more functions that you and Carson attended. But I don’t think you were ever formally introduced. He knows who you are, what you look like, but I doubt you’d know him. He’s not a loud person or someone who gains attention. He’s quieter, stands back and observes. That’s what makes him a solid option for the business. He has a good eye for people. Uncanny instincts.”

“When will you tell Kylie?” she asked.

He grimaced again. “Soon. I spoke with him today to finalize things. And then I asked him for a few days before we went public and proceeded with bringing him on board. I wanted to tell Kylie—and you—the news myself. I didn’t want to just spring it on her at work.”

“You don’t think she’s going to take it well,” Joss murmured.

Dash shook his head. “Certainly not as well as you took it.”

Joss sighed. “Kylie is very loyal. She’s also, as I’ve said, very black-and-white. No middle ground. She and Carson were very close. Carson was all she had for so long. He was all she had when they both lived in hell with their father’s abuse. And yes, I agree. I don’t think she’ll take it well at first. After she’s had time to think about it and time for it to sink in, she’ll come around.”

“I hope you’re right,” Dash said. “Because it’s a done deal. No backing out now. And it’s what’s best for the company. In time she’ll realize that.”

This time Joss reached out to squeeze his hand. “Yes, she will. She’s very intelligent and Carson said she was a dream as an office manager. He used to say that she kept you both organized and well-oiled.”

Dash laughed. “Yes, she certainly does that. I hope you’re right. I’d hate to lose her over this. It was important to Carson that you both be provided for. He wouldn’t want Kylie working somewhere else.”

“Just don’t let her make any rash, impulsive decisions,” she said. “If she does something hasty like quit, don’t accept her resignation. Give her time to consider. I’m sure she’ll come around.”

Dash nodded. “Don’t worry. I have no desire to train a new office manager.”

“You know if you need help, all you ever have to do is ask. I don’t know much about your business but I’m a quick study.”

He kissed her again, letting his lips linger against her temple, inhaling the sweetness of her scent.

“I know, honey, but I like the idea of you not working. I like the idea of having all your time. I’m a selfish bastard. I don’t want to share you with anyone and certainly not a job.”

She smiled and then sighed, her expression becoming troubled as he brought the topic back to their relationship.

“You really think it’s a good idea for me to move in? You don’t think it’s too sudden? I’d hate to sabotage us before we ever get off the ground.”

“Let me worry about that,” he said gently. “I want you here, Joss. In my space. My life. My bed. There are certain aspects I won’t rush you into and I’ll be infinitely patient. But others? Like you moving in with me and you being with me all the time? Yeah, I’m going to press because it’s what I want and I always go after what I want. I don’t lose, Joss. And I’m damn sure not going to lose you.”

JOSS finished packing her bag and then surveyed the three stuffed suitcases with a rueful smile. It looked as though she were moving out, and she supposed, in fact, she was. Dash wanted her with him. All the time. She still wasn’t sure exactly how she felt about that.

She’d enjoyed every moment of her marriage to Carson. She’d liked not being alone, and in the months following his death, she hadn’t wanted to be alone even for a moment. God, when she looked back at who and what she was, she wanted to cringe.

A trip to the grocery store was enough to put her in tears. Dash had come, had taken her to the grocery store so she could at least keep her kitchen stocked. She didn’t eat out. Hadn’t eaten out in a year after his funeral.

Only after a year had she begun to venture out, at Chessy and Kylie’s urging, for regular lunches with them. But dinner? She hadn’t been out to dinner since Carson died. It had been too painful. She hadn’t wanted to socialize. To get caught up in meaningless chitchat when all she could remember was the way she and Carson laughed and loved.

Carson loved eating out. Loved good food and fine dining. He’d taken her to some of the best restaurants in the country—and Europe. It was through him that she developed the taste for good wine. She didn’t know the difference between a red and a white much less the nuances of the different labels and brands.

Her wine cabinet here was still fully stocked, not a single bottle opened, except for Carson’s favorite. A wine she made sure she kept on hand. On the anniversary of his death, she’d open that bottle and drink with him. With his memory. She savored every sip, wishing with her every breath that he were there to share it with her.

She sighed. No more of that. She was turning a new page in her life. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe she was making the worst decision—an emotional decision. But she was an emotionally driven person. She wore her feelings on her sleeve, and as Carson and Dash had both commented on, one only had to look into her eyes to know exactly her mood.

She didn’t have the artifice or the energy to project what she didn’t feel. She didn’t even know how to mask her emotions. It wasn’t something she was adept at. As a result, Carson had always known when she was unhappy or worried. And he’d moved heaven and earth to rectify whatever had gone wrong.

Dash would be like that. She knew. He was warm and kind. Gentle and understanding. He’d be patient with her and he wouldn’t fault her for any mistakes she made. But she didn’t want to make mistakes. She wanted to meet him as an equal, not some weak woman who needed him to fix her.

Only she could fix herself. Her shattered heart. That was on her and no one could do it for her. Perhaps this was just the first step in reclaiming her independence, which sounded stupid when she wanted a dominant man. When she didn’t want to make decisions or be forced to make difficult choices.

She didn’t want to think. She just wanted to . . . be. That was all. Happy. Whole again, or at least as whole as she could ever be when she was missing half of herself.

Maybe Dash could do that for her. Maybe he would give her that missing piece of her soul. And maybe she’d made a huge mistake. How would she know unless she tried?

Taking a deep breath, she lugged her suitcases into the living room and checked her watch. Dash had said he’d give her two hours before he returned to get her. It was agreed she’d take her car to his house and park it in case she needed to go somewhere when he wasn’t available. But he’d made it abundantly clear that for the most part, she would be with him. He would take care of her, of her every need, and he didn’t plan for them to spend much time apart.

She wasn’t sure how she felt about that either, but the lonely part of her heart swelled in relief that she wouldn’t be alone any longer. The rest? She’d take it as it came. One day at a time. It did her no good to focus on the future when she needed to live for today. The present. Because as she’d well learned, the future was not guaranteed. It was what you made it.

She had fifteen minutes before Dash would arrive. Plenty of time to call Chessy and Kylie and let them know of her decision. But she’d have to endure the conversation twice and that wasn’t what she wanted. She’d have to endure questions, disbelief, surprise and doubt.

It would be far easier just to e-mail them both and explain her plans.

Satisfied with that decision, she walked over to where her laptop lay on the coffee table and sat on the couch, opening it up to her e-mail program.

After pondering the best way to tell her friends what was going on she finally decided to just take the plunge. State it matter- of-factly. Not get into details. Just a basic explanation and how to reach her if they needed her. She fully expected her cell phone to start ringing the moment they got the e-mail so she typed a request that they not do so.

She informed them that she needed a few days with Dash to get her bearings. She promised to update them and that they’d get together for lunch at the end of the week. Although she didn’t look forward to that lunch because it would end up an inquisition.

She’d just hit Send on the e-mail when her doorbell rang. Her pulse accelerated and she rose, smoothing her palms down her worn jeans.

This was it. Dash was here to pick her up.

She glanced around her house, her and Carson’s house, sadness tugging at her heart. Maybe she should have moved right after he died. It likely wasn’t healthy to maintain the house as it had been when he was alive. Pictures of them and him still dotted the living room and other rooms of the house.

Joss and Carson happy. Smiling. In love.

She had finally cleaned out his closet and put away his clothing. But all his knickknacks? Trophies, plaques, pictures? They were still where they’d been hung or positioned on the shelves. No wonder Dash didn’t want to move in here. It was hard to compete with a dead man, and with all the reminders of him displayed around the house, how could Dash hope for Joss to focus on him?

As she opened the door, she muttered a silent vow that she was going to go hard at this. That she’d give Dash one hundred percent of herself. No holding back. No reservations. And she darn sure wasn’t going to be doing a mental comparison between Dash and Carson when it came to sex. It wasn’t fair to either man and it wasn’t fair to her.

Dash stood there, sunglasses covering his eyes, but when she looked up at him, he shoved them up over his head so he could look back at her. There was something in his gaze that made her quiver on the inside. Intense. Brooding almost. And there was marked triumph reflected there.

“You ready?” he asked in a low tone.

She smiled, determined not to show any hesitancy. She was fully committed. On board. She wouldn’t waffle now and she’d give Dash no reason to question her commitment.

“I have several suitcases,” she said hesitantly. “I wasn’t sure what to bring so I brought a little of everything. One of the suitcases has all my girly stuff. I was certain you wouldn’t have all that.”

He smiled back. “Not to worry, and honey, now that you’re mine, it’s my duty and honor to provide for you. So if there’s something you need later, I’ll make certain you get it.”

Her brow wrinkled. “But I don’t want you to buy me things, Dash. I can afford it.”

His eyes narrowed and glinted fire. She had the sudden impression she’d taken a wrong turn and she’d been determined to get off on the right foot with him.