Maya Banks - Letting Go

“I don’t expect you to kneel in my presence unless I request it. The only time I want you to kneel is if I summon you. Then I’d like you to kneel, with your arms resting on your thighs, palms splayed upward. This is a standard position of submissiveness. Thighs open so that no part of you isn’t accessible to me or my gaze. The only other time is when I return from work or if I’m away for any reason, when I return, I’d like for you to be in the living room, on your knees, waiting for me. I want you to be the very first thing I see when I walk through my door. I want a reason to want to come home, and if you’re here, waiting for me, believe me, sweetheart, it’s what I’ll want more than anything. You, waiting, my reward after a long day.”

She got the impression this was important to Dash. Something he enjoyed and craved. And if that was the case, she wanted to do it for him. She wanted to please him and bring him happiness. She never wanted to disappoint him. She had too much pride for that. No, she may not have the experience other women he’d been with had, but that wasn’t going to prevent her from doing her damn best to be the most desirable submissive he’d ever had a relationship with.

There were no half measures for her. From the moment she’d decided to embark on this new lifestyle and explore her sexuality and her needs, she’d known that she’d throw herself completely into it. No holding back of anything. She’d give wholly and unreservedly of herself and hope that the man she was with would appreciate the gift she gave. And nothing in Dash’s words had given her any reason to doubt that he would most certainly cherish and protect her gift of submission.

“When I issue a command, I expect instant obedience. No hesitation. No questions. I want you to trust me to take you to a place you’ll enjoy and feel safe in. I’ll never ask you to do something that I think you’d object to. That doesn’t mean I won’t push you out of your comfort zone. But as I mentioned earlier, the further we get into this, the faster I’ll learn what your boundaries are and I’ll never purposely cross them unless it’s something we discuss and agree to try.”

Again she nodded, because as with his other expectations, they didn’t seem unreasonable.

“Now, we briefly touched on punishments and pain. Pain can be very erotic if administered correctly. Both for the man and the woman. Many women enjoy a man exerting his dominance with crops, belts, his hand or any number of other methods, all of which I’ll introduce you to over time.

“But I’m not into punishment for the sake of punishments. I prefer to think of them as rewards. Which sounds stupid, but after you’ve experienced the various levels of pain, spanking and other things as well, I think you’ll understand what it is I’m trying to explain to you.

“I will absolutely push the line. I’ll bring you damn close without crossing those lines. I’ll pay attention and in time I’ll be as in tune with your body as even you are. It’s my job as your Dominant to know exactly what you want and need, sometimes even better than you will.”

“I want that,” she said quietly. “I want a man who will take. A man who won’t ask. Who won’t force me to make decisions. I want those choices taken from me. It excites me. I can’t explain the need or the craving I have for that, but it’s there. Maybe it’s always been there. And I want that from you, Dash. I’m prepared to go a lot further with you because I trust you and I know you’d never willingly hurt me.”

“I appreciate that trust, Joss. It humbles me,” he said gently. “You can’t know how precious it is to receive that kind of gift from you.”

“Is there anything else or have we covered it all?”

He smiled. “Impatient little submissive, aren’t you? I love your enthusiasm, Joss. Your willingness to put so much faith in me to know what you’ll enjoy. Yes, there will be other things, but I don’t want to overwhelm you on the very first day you’ve moved into my house.

“You’ll sleep in my bed every night. There are times when I’ll want to bind you in the bed so that you’re helpless and dependent on me for everything. I’ll make love to you while you’re spread out and tied to my bedposts. Where your body will be available to me whenever I choose to take it. And I’ll take you often, Joss. Before we go to bed at night. During the night. And first thing in the morning before you’re fully awake. I’ll slide into your beautiful body and I’ll be the first thing you feel each morning. I’ll be the last thing you know when you go to sleep at night. And you’ll go to bed knowing you are mine and that you belong, heart and soul, to me. You’ll never have cause to doubt it because not a day will go by that I won’t prove that to you.”

“I’ve not heard a single downside to this,” she said ruefully. “Quite frankly it all sounds too good to be true.”

His expression grew more serious. “It won’t all be perfect, Joss. You need to know that going in. You need to prepare yourself for the fact you may not enjoy everything I have planned. The very last thing I want is to frighten or repulse you. Or make you do something you aren’t comfortable with. It’s why it’s so important for us to communicate. I want you to be brutally honest with me even if it’s not something you think I want to hear or know. I want your promise that you’ll tell me what’s going on in your head when we do these things. I’ll want to know how you feel, how what we do makes you feel. I don’t want this to be you sacrificing your pleasure and enjoyment because you’re worried about disappointing me. Believe me when I say that if I’m unable to bring you ultimate pleasure, then I don’t want to be doing this.

“It may sound on paper like it’s all about me. And for some Dominants it is. It isn’t about their submissive’s pleasure or her desires or even her happiness. I’m not that selfish, however. I hope to fuck I never become that self-centered. Pleasing you makes me happy. It’s all I want. It’s what I demand. So yes, while it is somewhat about my pleasure and you pleasing me, know this: making you happy is what will make me happy and content. I need that, Joss. I need you.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and held on tight, burying her face in his neck.

“What I think you are is perfect. So perfect that I wonder if you aren’t too good to be true. Not just this situation but you.”

“I think we’re on the same page here,” Dash said with a smile. “We seem to be saying the same things but perhaps in a slightly different way. But we both want the same things. You want to be happy and you want me to be happy in our relationship. And conversely, I want you to be happy, first and foremost, because trust me, honey. You being happy will make me extremely happy.”

She let out the air from her lungs in a long exhale.

“I want this, Dash. I’m ready to dive in and take the plunge. I’ll be honest. I don’t know if I can stand a few days with you walking on eggshells and me never knowing when it all begins. I’m ready now.”

“Then what I want you to do while I’m getting your suitcases from the car is to undress. Take your time and use the bathroom. Whatever makes you feel more comfortable and at ease. I want you naked the entire evening. I want to cook you a special meal and feed you by my own hand. And I want to enjoy the sight of your gorgeous body while I’m doing this for you. And then, when we’re done eating and ready to think about bed? Then we’ll go to bed together and see if you’re every bit as sweet and fucking sexy as you are in my dreams. It’s time to make my dreams come true. Mine and yours.”

JOSS surveyed her reflection in the mirror and winced at the stark fear in her eyes. They were wide and it was obvious that she was jittery as hell.

Naked. He wanted her naked, and God, but that made her utterly self-conscious. He expected her to parade around with no clothing. To eat a meal with him. Naked. No barriers, no shield, no protective measures.

It was the height of vulnerability and yet it was also a signal of her trust and her willingness to do as he’d asked, or rather demanded, no matter how gently the demand had been voiced.

She sucked in a deep breath and then ran a brush through her hair, debating whether to leave it down or clip it up. Deciding that leaving it down offered at least a small measure of protection, she set aside the brush and arranged her hair so it fell over her shoulders in the front and covered at least part of her breasts.

Her nipples peeked through the strands of her hair though and she wondered if it was in fact a more erotic sight than if she’d pulled her hair up and left her breasts completely bare.

There was only one way to find out. Leave the refuge of the bathroom, quit hiding like a coward and gauge Dash’s reaction to her nudity.

He’d certainly been blunt about his desire for her. She’d seen the evidence of his arousal in his eyes, in the way he spoke. But then he hadn’t seen her naked. Hadn’t touched her any more intimately than a few caresses to her face and her arms.

Now he would have unfettered access to any part of her body. Her breasts. Her pussy. She flinched at the crude term, but there were certainly more vulgar terms for the female anatomy than pussy. Words she hated. Cunt. That was the worst and she hoped it was a word Dash would never use.

It was silly to be such a prude about her body or how it was referred to. But she couldn’t control her reaction to the harsher words. They brought to mind unpleasant images. Reduced sex to mindless fucking. No intimacy or tenderness. She wanted those things. Needed them.

No matter that she was turning over her body, her soul, to another man. That she wanted to submit and craved a man’s dominance. She still wanted to be treated respectfully, and it was important to her that she wasn’t just a sexual conquest. A woman to be used and then discarded as though she meant nothing.

She wanted to matter. She wanted to feel again as she’d felt when she was married to Carson. Wanted that connection to another man. Maybe she was a fool for even starting down this path. But she’d never know unless she tried, and Dash was a man she did trust. As determined as she’d been to move forward with her decision, the moment the man from The House had approached her, dread had filled her. She’d been uncertain and afraid even as she sought to go through with it.

She now knew that regardless of whether or not Dash had been there and called a halt to the whole mess, she wouldn’t have gone through with it. She would have chickened out and ran, and she would have never gone back.

In a way she was grateful that Dash had been there and that he’d intervened, even as humiliating as she’d found the entire experience. Because it forced his hand. It made him act on long-held desires. And now she could see if this was truly what she wanted, and she could do it with a man she knew would never hurt her.

But there were different kinds of hurt. Not just physical ones. It was the emotional pain she feared the worst. Of somehow messing up a friendship she valued, a friendship she’d desperately clung to after Carson had died.

If she lost Dash too, what would she do?

She shook her head, refusing to go there. She’d procrastinated long enough. If she didn’t get moving, Dash would know she was standing in there wavering. He deserved better than a woman who was having second and third thoughts. She’d agreed to this. She’d been firm in her commitment. She wasn’t backing out now. Or ever.

Gathering her courage, she opened the bathroom door and stepped into the bedroom. Her suitcases were empty and stacked against the far wall. Her eyes widened when she realized he’d unpacked all her belongings and put them away already.

She walked to the closet, curious, and when she opened the door, she saw all her things she’d packed hanging on hangers. She took up the right side while Dash had moved his things to occupy the left.

Her shoes were neatly lined up on the floor beneath the hanging clothes.

She glanced at the dresser and knew without looking that he’d put away her panties and bras and pajamas. Her cheeks flushed hot when she imagined him sorting through her intimate wear and putting them away.

He’d said he would be in the kitchen, but the thought of walking in there, naked, sent terror through her veins. It made her achingly vulnerable. Powerless. But wasn’t that the point? She was ceding all power to him. She’d made a point of saying she didn’t want to make choices, that she wanted them made for her. It still discomfited her, that it made her appear weak and spineless. But what was it Dash had said? That it took a strong woman to submit to a man?