Maya Banks - Letting Go

The knot grew larger in Dash’s throat. Panic slid down his spine, momentarily paralyzing him.

“I said some pretty terrible things to her,” Dash murmured. “Jesus. When I left, she was crying.”

“You left her that upset?” Tate asked in a disgusted voice.

Dash closed his eyes. “I was pretty pissed.”

“I’m not even going to ask because the only thing I give a fuck about is my wife worrying herself sick over Joss and whether Joss herself is all right. I take it you haven’t heard from her.”

Dash shook his head. “She pretty much told me to go to hell. But I’m already there. I have been for years.”

Tate’s phone rang and he snatched it up. “Chessy?” he said. “Is she okay? Did you hear from her?”

There was a long pause and then Tate paled. Dash rushed to where Tate stood, trying to hear Chessy’s voice, but Tate held it too close to his ear for Dash to tell anything.

“Goddamn it. No, you aren’t going anywhere. No, Chessy! I’ll be right over. Don’t you dare leave the house. One accident is enough. I don’t want you driving when you’re this upset.”

Dash’s knees buckled and he had to grab his desk to keep from hitting the floor.

Tate hung up and then fixed Dash with a cold stare.

“The hospital just called Chessy. Apparently they saw she was the last call on Joss’s cell and they called her. Joss has been in a car accident. It appears to be serious. They wouldn’t comment on her condition over the phone, but they asked that Chessy or her closest family member get to the hospital as quickly as possible.”

“I’m going,” Dash bit out. “What hospital? I can be there before you go home and get Chessy.”

Tate looked at him, anger brewing in his eyes. Then he blew out his breath. “Hermann Memorial. The ER.”

Dash didn’t wait for anything more. He grabbed his keys and ran out the door to the bank of elevators. Kylie called out as he passed her office, but he didn’t stop. He didn’t have time to explain, even if Kylie should know. Chessy would call her later. For now, his only purpose was to get to Joss and pray he wasn’t too late.

WHEN Dash strode into the emergency room, he immediately demanded to know Joss’s condition and if he could see her. A police officer was standing close to the reception desk, and when he heard Dash say Joss’s name, he motioned for Dash.

Frustrated by the delay, he stepped aside with the cop.

“Do you know how she is?” Dash asked bluntly. “Did you work the scene? What the hell happened?”

The police officer sighed. “Can I ask the nature of your relationship to Mrs. Breckenridge?”

“I’m her fiancé,” he lied. “She lives with me.” Another lie. “I saw her just this morning, not long before this apparently happened. I left for work and now this.” At least that much was the truth.

“Was she upset about anything? Under duress? Stressed?” He paused a moment. “Do you have any reason to believe that she’s suicidal?”

“What?” Dash asked incredulously. “What the fuck are you getting at?”

The cop looked uncomfortable. “There were no signs of tire marks to indicate she braked. She hit a tree dead-on. Going at least forty-five miles per hour in a residential zone.”

“And you think she tried to kill herself?”

“I’m examining all possible leads. Until I speak to Mrs. Breckenridge myself, there’s no way to determine the cause of the accident. But you could help by letting me know her emotional state when you last saw her. I understand she’s widowed. Could she be depressed over the loss of her husband?”

Dash was at a loss for words. Her emotional state? She was upset. Extremely so. Hell, he’d all but kicked her out of his house. And then she’d wrecked. Good God. Could she have done it purposely? How the hell else would she hit a tree dead-on going that fast and no signs of braking?

“I have no idea,” Dash said numbly. He’d like to be able to defend Joss, but who the hell knew what was going on in her head?

Guilt clutched him like a fist. He should have never left her this morning. He’d been angry, absolutely. But he should have calmed down, and they should have discussed it like two rational adults. Only he hadn’t been rational. Whether or not she’d tried to take her own life, the entire thing was Dash’s fault.

But he couldn’t contain his fury that she would have given up. Have been so weak. That wasn’t the Joss he knew. Or thought he knew.

He turned from the police officer and strode back to the desk, planting his hands down on the surface.

“I want to see Joss Breckenridge. Now.”

“I’m sorry, sir, the doctors are working on her now. If you’ll wait in the waiting area, I’ll call you back the minute you’re allowed to see her.”

“What do you mean ‘working on her’?” Dash demanded. “What’s wrong with her? How badly is she injured? Is she going to live?”

The clerk’s face shone with sympathy. “I know it’s hard waiting and not knowing, but I assure you, our physicians are doing their absolute best, and as I said, the moment I know anything I’ll inform you at once.”

Dash threw up his hands and paced back into the waiting area, but he couldn’t sit. How could he? It was déjà vu all over again. Another day. Three years ago. Same hospital. Same horrible wait only for the worst news. Carson dead. They’d been unable to save him. His injuries had been too extensive.

Only his wreck had been an accident. There’d been nothing he could have done to avoid it. Could Joss say the same? Had she been so upset and distraught that she’d driven her car into a tree hoping for death?

He couldn’t wrap his mind around it. Couldn’t fathom it. But it was what the police suspected. Why else would they want to know if she was suicidal? What if Dash had pushed her to it?

He finally sat and buried his face in his hands. What seemed an eternity later, a nurse poked her head out the door and called for Joss Breckenridge’s family. As he was the only one there at the moment, he hurried forward.

“How is she?” he demanded.

The nurse smiled. “She’ll be fine. She’s pretty banged up, but you can see her. She’s a little woozy from the pain medication we gave her, but we couldn’t medicate her until all the X-rays and CT scan results came back.”

He didn’t give a fuck what condition she was in as long as she was alive.

The nurse led him back to one of the exam rooms and then opened the door, allowing him entrance. He sucked in his breath when he saw Joss lying on the stretcher, pale and bruised. There was dried blood at her hairline and at the corner of her mouth.

She looked so damn fragile that he was afraid to touch her.

He went to her bedside and fury gripped him all over again. She blinked drowsily and then focused her gaze on him. Instant hurt crowded the silky depths and she turned away. It only pissed him off all the more.

“You little fool,” he hissed. “Did you try to kill yourself, Joss? Was life without Carson so unbearable that you tried to join him?”

Her gaze yanked back to him, fury replacing the hurt of just moments ago.

“Get out,” she said through clenched teeth. “I don’t want you here. I don’t want you anywhere near me. Go to hell, Dash. That’s apparently where you’re most comfortable. God knows, I’ve only kept you there and nothing I do changes that.”

“Not until I have a damn answer,” he seethed. “You scared ten years off my life, Joss. What the fuck did you think you were doing?”

“What I was doing was avoiding a child,” she said in a frigid tone. “She ran into the street, and I knew I’d hit her if I didn’t swerve. I never saw the tree. Didn’t care about the tree. All I cared about was missing her. I could have never lived with myself if I’d chosen my life over hers. I was upset and wasn’t paying attention. I should have seen her earlier. I didn’t. But I’ll be damned if she was going to pay for my mistake with her life.”

All the breath left him in a rush. He sagged precariously and gripped the bed rail for support.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I don’t want to hear your apology,” she said stiffly. “I want you out. I don’t want to see you again, Dash. You said all you needed to say this morning. And you know what? It was all bullshit. But you wouldn’t even give me a chance to explain.”

“Explain what, honey?”

“Don’t call me that,” she spat. “Don’t call me anything at all. I’ve been feeling so guilty because I’ve all but forgotten Carson. A man who meant everything to me. A man I loved with all my heart and who loved me every bit as much. I was married to him, Dash, and you resent that. You’ve always resented that. You accuse me of continually putting him between us, but I never have. You did. You. Not me. You, damn it. You couldn’t let go because of your own insecurities.

“Two weeks ago I had a dream. One that upset me greatly. Because in that dream, I had a choice. I could have Carson back or I could stay with you. And I couldn’t choose. God, I felt so guilty because I’d always said I’d do anything at all for just one more day with Carson. If I could have him back, I’d never ask for anything more. But I didn’t choose him. I hesitated. And he disappeared.”

Dash felt like throwing up. He gripped the bed rail even tighter as he listened to the words that would damn him forever. He’d jumped to conclusions. Horrible conclusions. And Joss had paid a heavy price. Hell, he’d paid the heaviest price of all because he’d lost her when he’d finally had her. And he’d thrown it all away in a moment’s time when he could have simply asked her what she’d been thinking, dreaming.

“And then last night, I had the same dream. Carson spoke to me. He said we could be together. But I chose this time,” she choked out. “And I didn’t choose him. I chose you.”

Dash closed his eyes, tears burning the lids. What could he possibly say to any of that? How could he ever make up for the terrible things he’d said to her? The things he’d accused her of.

“I gave you everything, Dash,” she said painfully. “My love. My submission. My trust. What did you give me? You may have given me sex, but you didn’t give me love or trust. Because you can’t love someone you don’t trust. Not truly. And you haven’t trusted me from the start. You’ve continually put Carson between us. Do you know that I wouldn’t even bring him up in conversation? Before we were together I never thought twice about it. He was my husband and your best friend. It’s only natural that you were the one person I could speak with about him. But you took even that away because I knew you didn’t like it. So you tell me, Dash. What the hell did you sacrifice for me? Because the way I see it, I’m the one who made all the compromises and sacrifices.”

She shuddered, flinching in pain that the movement caused.

“We won’t even get into the horrid accusation you just launched at me. You obviously don’t think much of me at all or you would have never thought, even for a moment, that I’d purposely crash my car. Especially when that’s how Carson died. Even if I were that bent on self-destruction, I’d never cause my loved ones the kind of pain I went through when I lost Carson.”

Each word was a tiny dart that directly hit his heart. She was right. Every word the absolute truth. It shamed him to realize just how wrong he’d been. From the very start. She was right. He hadn’t trusted her. He’d been so insecure, so worried that he could never have her that when she’d given herself to him he hadn’t trusted in that gift because he’d been too afraid of losing it. Of losing her. He’d been so damn wrapped up in his fears that he hadn’t recognized the beautiful gift he’d been given until it was too late. God, it couldn’t be too late. He wouldn’t allow it to be. Whatever he had to do to make it right, he’d do.

He opened his mouth to apologize. To get down on his knees if necessary. Anything to gain her forgiveness and another chance at her love. But the door burst open and Chessy and Tate hurried in.

Tate took one look at Joss’s face and turned his black scowl on Dash.

“What the hell is going on here?” Tate demanded.

Chessy rushed to Joss’s bedside and Tate pushed in front of Dash, effectively barring him from Joss’s sight. Chessy grabbed Joss’s hand, the one that wasn’t bandaged. Dash only now noticed the cast on her left arm and his insides froze. He hadn’t even asked her condition. How seriously she was injured. He was just so goddamn relieved that she was alive that nothing else had mattered.