I was given another lecture.

"You are now fourteen years of age. An age when many girls without means have been earning a living for some years. We do not forget that there is a family connection and for that reason we have tried to be good to you. But the time is coming very near, Ellen, when you will have to think of your future. Neither Mr. Loring nor I would wish to turn you adrift, and we shall do all we can to help you in spite of the manner in which you have so often repaid us. Yet this last disastrous escapade makes me feel again that our efforts have been wasted. You show a deplorable lack of discipline. You must be punished. The rod would be desirable. I have told Mr. Loring that it is his duty to administer it and he will be coming to your room to perform this painful duty. In addition you will begin a new sampler, which I myself shall inspect every week. The verse you learn will be 'Blow, blow, thou winter wind! Thou art not so unkind As man's ingratitude.' "

What she went on to say was even more depressing.

"I have been discussing your future with Mr. Loring and we agree that you must now be prepared to earn your own living. After all, you cannot expect to live on our bounty forever. You have been allowed to be a companion for Esmeralda—not a very good influence alas and one which I have so often thought she would have been better without—but in a few years a husband will be found for her and she will have no further need of your companionship. Mr. Loring and I do not forget that you belong to the family and therefore we should not throw you out into the world indiscriminately. We shall find the right post for you at the right time, for it is inconceivable that any member of our family should take a menial position. Governess or companion is all we would consider. Our circle of acquaintances is large and we hope in due course to find the right post for you. It is not as simple as you might think, for we would not wish you to be in a household which we might visit. That could be most embarrassing. So you see we shall have to choose the place with the utmost care. Meanwhile, you should prepare yourself. Study hard. Work harder especially with your needlework. I'll speak to the governess about that. Then when Esmeralda comes out and marries we shall hope to have the post ready for you. Now I trust you are in a contrite mood. Take your punishment, for you richly deserve it, and go to your room. Mr. Loring will come to you there."

Poor Cousin William! I was sorry for him. He came gingerly holding a cane with which he was to chastise me. He hated the task. I had to lie face down on my bed while he lightly tapped the cane about my thighs, which made me want to laugh.

He was red in the face and uncomfortable. Then he said suddenly: "There, I trust that has taught you a lesson."

It was comforting to be able to laugh at Cousin William, for I was feeling very uneasy about the future.

That night was one of the occasions when I dreamed again about the room with the red carpet, from which I awoke with the feeling of doom.

The years sped away. My eighteenth birthday came and went. The time when I must go into the world and earn my own living was coming nearer and nearer. Esmeralda used to comfort me. She would say: "When I'm married, Ellen, you shall always have a home with me."

I didn't envy Esmeralda. It would have been impossible to do that. She was so mild; it was true she had grown a little pretty, but I couldn't help noticing that when we were out together it was at me that people glanced. My black hair and dark blue eyes were striking and my "inquiring" nose, as Philip called it, made it seem as though I was asking a question. But at least her future was secure. We saw it happening all around us: Girls coming out into society, marriages arranged for them, becoming matrons with young children. It was all most carefully planned.

It was different for those who had to fend for themselves, as I should have to.

There had been one or two minor incidents when I had aroused the indignation of Cousin Agatha, but nothing so startling as the visit to the market or setting fire to Carrington land. When we were in the country we had to do more social work. We visited the poor and took them what Cousin Agatha called "delicacies"—usually something which she would not consider worthy of her own table; we decorated the church for harvest festival just before we left for London; we went to the gymkhana and church bazaars, where we had our own stalls. We played the parts of helpers of Lady Bountiful and in town we rode in the Row and at Cousin Agatha's At Homes we helped pass round the refreshments; we sewed for the poor; we worked for the Tories; we walked sedately in the Park and lived the lives of genteel young ladies. But then there was a subtle change. It was nearing the time when Esmeralda should come out and we were beginning to be segregated. Esmeralda was taken to the theater with her parents, and I did not accompany them. Often she went visiting with her mother now and I was left behind. The dressmaker who over the years had taken up residence in the house for several weeks at a time when there were functions ahead now settled in for a spell and worked on lovely new clothes for Esmeralda. There was nothing extra for me—only one spring, summer, autumn and winter dress—one new one per year.

I could feel that vague doom coming nearer. It was as in the dream.

Esmeralda was a little bewildered; she disliked going anywhere without me, but I was rarely with her now except for those walks in the Park and the charity visits.

The Carringtons loomed large in our lives. They were Cousin Agatha's closest friends. Lady Emily's name was mentioned twenty times a day.

Philip was often a member of a family party and he, with Esmeralda, visited the theater with Cousin Agatha and Cousin Wil­liam. The play was Lady Windermere's Fan, which had been produced for the first time in February at the St. James's Theatre. I had heard that although it was a light comedy it sparkled with wit and amusing epigrams. I guessed that Esmeralda would not see the point of it.

I watched them leave in the carriage and I saw them come back. When Esmeralda came up I waylaid her and made her tell me about the play. She gave me a brief outline of the plot and she said that Philip had laughed the whole way through. They had had supper afterwards and it had been very jolly. She looked quite pretty in a powder-blue gown and her blue velvet cloak. I longed for such a cloak, but most of all to go to the theater and laugh with Philip.

The next day we walked in the Park with Nanny Grange, who was still with us. She would probably go with Esmeralda when she married to look after her children, for Cousin Agatha felt it was good to keep nannies in the family. One could then rely on their loyalty. Besides, all the best people did it.

Now that we were older Nanny Grange always walked a few sedate paces behind us like a watchdog and if any young men came near us she would quicken her pace and be there abreast of us. It always amused me.

That day we met Philip in the Park. He fell into stride beside us. This was quite legitimate and did not need Nanny's attention. He was after all a Carrington.

Philip said accusingly to me: "Why didn't you come to the play last night?"

"Nobody asked me," I replied.

"You mean to say ..." He stopped and looked at me. "No," he cried. "It can't be."

"But it is. Didn't you know I was the Poor Relation?"

"Oh, stop it, Ellen," wailed Esmeralda. "I can't bear you to talk like that."

"Whether you can bear it or not, my dear," I said, "it's true."

"When my parents return the visit to the theater I shall insist that you are included," Philip assured me.

"That's nice of you, Philip," I said, "but I wouldn't come where I wasn't wanted."

"Ass!" he said, and gave me a push just as he had when we were children.

I felt very pleased because at least Philip didn't see me as the Poor Relation.

There was going to be a grand dance. The folding doors of three rooms on the first floor were to be thrown open to make a fairly sizable ballroom which would be decorated with plants. It was in fact Esmeralda's coming-out ball. She was to have a very special gown in blue silk and lace. Tilly Parsons, the seamstress, thought it would take a week to make it. "All those tucks and frills, my word," she muttered.

I was to be allowed to go to the ball and for this I, too, was to have a new ball dress. I dreamed of deep blue chiffon which would heighten the color of my eyes; I saw myself floating round the ballroom and everyone calling me the belle of the ball. Esmeralda wouldn't mind that, being Esmeralda. She was very good-natured really and she had no desire for the role. She hated calling attention to herself.

Cousin Agatha sent for me. I might have known what it was about. After all, I was eighteen years old, and the threats which had haunted me all my childhood were not idle ones.

"Ah, Ellen. You may sit down."

I sat uneasily.

"You will realize of course that you are now of an age to go out into the world. Naturally I have done my best to place you and my efforts are now being rewarded. I have the post for you at last."

My heart started beating fast with apprehension.

"Mrs. Oman Lemming... the Honorable Mrs. Oman Lemming ... is losing her governess in six months' time. I have spoken to her about you and she is willing to see you with the possibility of giving you the post."

"Mrs. Oman Lemming ..." I stammered.

"The Honorable Mrs. Oman Lemming. She is the daughter of Lord Pillingsworth. I have known her well all my life. I had thought it would not be good for you to be in a house which we might visit, but these are very special circumstances. You will have to be discreet and keep out of the way if we should be there. Mrs. Oman Lemming will understand the delicacy of the situation, she is such a friend of mine. I have begged her to take tea with me, which she will do next week. While she is here she will have an opportunity of looking at you, and I trust you will, Ellen, be mindful of your duty, for if you should fail to please her it could be very difficult to place you. Such posts do not grow on trees, you know."

I was dumbfounded—quite unreasonably so. I had secretly never thought it would come to that. My absurd optimism would not let me believe it possible. But now here it was—my approaching doom. Six months away.

Cousin Agatha, who had clearly expected me to express my gratitude, sighed and lifted her shoulders.

"I should not wish you to go ill equipped and that brings me to the matter of your ball dress. I have chosen the material for you. Black is so serviceable and I am asking Tilly Parsons to make it in a style which will not date. There may be an occasion when you need such a dress. I should not like you to be without one."

I knew the sort of dress it would be. Suitable for a middle-aged woman. It was in any case a dress which was expected to last into my maturity. I felt uneasy.

When I met the Honorable Mrs. Oman Lemming my worst fears were realized.

Like Cousin Agatha, she was a large woman with sweeping feathers in her hat and long tight gray kid gloves. A heavy gold chain descended the mountain of her bosom; a large brooch sparkled on her blouse. I could see a kindred spirit to Cousin Agatha, and my heart sank.

"This is Ellen Kellaway," said Cousin Agatha.

The Honorable Mrs. Oman Lemming raised her lorgnette and studied me. I don't think she was very delighted with what she saw.

"She is very young," she commented. "But perhaps that is not a disadvantage."

"It is so much easier to mold the young to our ways, Letty," said Cousin Agatha, and I thought how incongruous the name sounded for such a militant-looking female.

"That's true, Agatha. But is she good with children?"

"I have to admit that she has had little experience of them, but she has been brought up with Esmeralda and shared her education."

The Honorable Mrs. Oman Lemming bowed her head like some all-knowing oracle. I noticed that her eyes were too closely set together, and her mouth when she studied me was thin and cold. I disliked her on sight and the thought of becoming a member of her household in a certain menial capacity gave me no pleasure.

She turned to me then. "There are four children. Hester, the eldest, is fourteen; Claribel, eleven; James is eight and Henry, four. James will soon be going away to school and Henry will follow in due course. The girls will remain at home and it would be your duty—if I engage you—to teach them."