Sherry Ficklin - Losing Logan

That makes her expression soften just a little. She laughs dryly.

“Logan was friends with everyone.”

I nod. “Yeah he was.”

She stands upright, adjusting herself in the mirror.

“Um,” I point to her head. “You have a little puke in your hair.”

She makes a face and turns her head, spotting the gooey strands. The sight of it makes her turn and run back into the stall yakking, head down into the toilet.

The sound and stench of it is enough to set off my own gag reflex but I manage to hold it down. I grab a handful of paper towels and wet them in the sink. Folding them into a long rectangle I step up behind her, carefully lift her hair and place it on the back of her neck.

“Thanks,” she mutters, resting her head on the side of the toilet.

I press my back against the outside of the stall and slide down to a sitting position.

After a few minutes of silence she finally speaks again.

“We broke up, you know. I dumped him just before…” her voice trails off.

“I know. He uh, called me after. He was upset. And worried about you. Even after, he still cared about you, you know?”

She sits up, her eyes glassy. “He told you about the break up?”

I nod. “Yeah, he did.”

“What else did he say?”

I let my head loll to the side. “Not much. Just that he was, you know, dealing with it.”

She nods. “Can you hand me my purse?” She points to where it sits on the floor beside the sink.

I reach forward and grab the handle, but the snaps aren’t closed and it spills all over the floor.

“Crap. Sorry,” I mutter, crawling forward to clean up the mess.

“No,” she yells.

But it’s too late. I’ve already seen it. The slim white plastic stick with a pink plus sign in the little window.

I turn back to her, “Kaylee, are you?”

She snatches up her bag, stuffing everything back inside. Tears are running down her face, taking her mascara with it.

“Don’t. You can’t say anything to anybody. I mean it. If I find out you told anybody—“

I jump to the defensive. “You’ll what? Beat me with the diaper bag?”

As soon as the words are out I regret them.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I won’t say anything. I promise.” Reaching out I touch her arm gently. “Did Logan know?”

She shakes her head.

“I only found out last week.”

“What are you going to do? I mean, that’s none of my business. Is there anything I can do?”

She gets to her feet, wiping her eyes.

“Yeah. You can keep your dammed mouth shut and leave me alone.” She pushes past me and storms out of the bathroom. I walk out the door and she’s already down the hall, almost to the front doors.

Logan is sitting on the floor, his back pressed against the lockers.

I look down the hall to make sure we’re alone.

“So, I assume you heard that.”

He nods.

“You okay?”

He shakes his head no. I take a deep breath. After a few seconds he looks up.

“It’s not mine, Zoe. It can’t be.”

I scratch my head.

“So, I don’t know what you’ve heard, but it can happen. Even when, you know, you’re careful. Condoms aren’t made of lead.”

He stands up, staring at me intently.

“No, you don’t understand. It can’t be mine. We haven’t been together in like six months.”

That surprises me.

“Really?” I pause, letting the info sink in. “Six months?”

“Zoe, I swear. Whatever’s going on, that’s not my kid.”

I frown.

“I believe you. It’s just…”

“Shocking?” he offers.

Then I think about Kaylee. Shocking really isn’t the right word.

“Sad.”

I head back to class just before the bell rings. I have every intention of keeping her secret. No reason to tell anyone, in a town this size, everyone will know soon enough. If there’s one thing worse than being invisible, it’s being the town slut, and that’s exactly what’s about to happen to Kaylee. Mega bitch or not, no one deserves that.

The day rolls on and Bruno drives me home. As we pull into my driveway he puts the truck in park and turns to face me.

“So listen, Zoe. I was wondering if, I mean I know we haven’t been hanging out that long,” he pauses, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean, I guess what I’m asking is, will you, do you want to be, my girlfriend?”

From the back seat Logan grumbles.

“Kiss the poor guy before he has a stroke.”

Leaning forward slowly I stretch up, pressing my lips to his. Bruno reaches up and touches the side of my face, cupping my cheek.

My stomach lurches. Not because of the kiss, but because I feel like I’m the worst person on the planet. I open my eyes, pulling away, but Bruno isn’t finished with me yet. He grins and leans in for another kiss.

I feel Logan vanish even though I don’t see it. As soon as he’s gone I feel the pressure in the cab of the truck relax and I allow myself to be drawn into Bruno’s arms. He’s strong and warm and he smells like summer grass. I feel a deep ache grow in the pit of my stomach. My skin flushes and my heartbeat quickens. I feel him smile against my lips.

He draws away, catching his breath.

“I take that as a yes.”

I nod. “Yes.”

* * *

Logan is waiting for me in my room. He’s pacing, looking like he’s about to scream. I can’t blame him. Finding out his ex girlfriend is knocked up by some other dude has to suck royally.

“You alright?” I ask, tossing my messenger bag on the bed and flopping down to take off my shoes.

He makes a face. “Oh yeah. I’m great. My life is falling apart and you are out sucking face with my best friend.”

“You told me to kiss him, you ass hat.”

I throw my shoe at him and it nails him in the back.

“Forgot you were dead again, huh?” I ask with a snicker.

He glares. “How could I? I spent all day sitting in the hallway at school watching people I used to care about walk right through me.”

I snort. “Welcome to my life.”

He frowns and looks at me like maybe he’s seeing me for the first time. And I realize he is. He’s seeing life through my eyes. Our positions have been completely reversed and he hates it. My stomach churns. He hates me.

“Do you hate me?” I ask softly. “For still being alive? For being where you used to be?”

He sighs slowly. “Maybe a little.” Then he turns his back to me, looking out the window. “Maybe I just hate myself for putting you there.”

His expression changes and he leans forward, pressing his hands against the glass.

“What is it?” I ask, moving to his side.

He jerks his chin. “There. Across the street by the mailbox. Do you see him?”

He steps back and I take his place. I see the mailbox, Mrs. Kelly’s yard gnomes guarding her front door. And a couple of kids riding by on bikes.

“No. I don’t see anyone.” I turn and look at Logan whose face has set in a scowl. “Is it him? The one who’s been following you?”

He nods and a shiver ripples across my skin. I wrap my arms around my torso, hugging myself. Behind me, Logan steps forward. I feel him touch my arm for just a heartbeat before he goes intangible again.

“It’s okay Zoe. I’m not going to let him hurt you.”

I swallow hard. It’s not me that I’m worried about.

The next morning, Bruno shoots me a text to say good morning and asks me to meet him in the parking lot before class. He has practice after school so we’re taking separate cars today. I have to admit, after our kiss last night I was almost glad he wasn’t picking me up. I mean, how am I supposed to greet him now? Will he be one of those guys who likes to make out in public all the time? I’m so nervous I feel like I’ve swallowed a wasp’s nest.

Logan watched over me all night as I tossed and turned restlessly. Nothing like good old fashioned terror to keep you up all night. Every once in a while I caught him looking at me with this soft expression. Something about it made me feel warm and safe. He’d left the room while I changed without my having to ask, then re-emerged right away. True to his word he’s sticking close today, though he hasn’t been his normal, chatty self. He’s been stoic, a man with a lot on his mind. As I drive to school, the silence is physically painful, weighing down on me like a sack of bricks.

“So, what’s the plan today?” I ask, opening up what I hope will be a safe line of communication.

He grumbles. “You know. I’m just going to hang out and be dead. Talk to myself, watch people doing things I don’t get to do anymore. Smell food I can’t eat. If I get really frisky I might go watch my mom cry some more.”

I slam on the breaks, swerving the car onto the shoulder of the road.

“Pity party, table of one. What the fuck, Logan?”

His moods are giving me whiplash. I know he’s dead and all, but seriously.

“Excuse me for having a moment of depression about the fact that I’m dead.”

I turn, slinging my arm over the seatback.

“Logan, I think you are missing the obvious here. Yeah you’re dead, and yeah that pretty much sucks 24-7. But you are also like, free. I mean, you said you wanted to go to New York, right? So go now. Go today. You don’t even need a plane ticket. You can just blink and be there. You can go anywhere. Do anything. Sky’s the limit. And let’s be honest, I’m not even sure that’s technically true.”

He shakes his head. “Yeah. I can do anything. Except the one thing I want to do.”

I take a shallow breath, too afraid to ask what he’s talking about. The expression on his face is raw and full of pain. He wants to be alive. And I can’t give him that. I can’t even give him a half way decent death.

“Look, I will go over to Kaylee’s after school and get some answers. I know how hard it is for you to be stuck here like this, with me of all people. We will get to the bottom of what happened. I promise.”

He looks at me, shaking his head like I just don’t understand. Maybe I don’t. How could I? I have my whole life ahead of me.

Swerving back into traffic, I head for the school. As he promised, Bruno is waiting for me, standing next to his truck chatting with Becker and Austin.

“What are you going to do when I’m gone?” Logan asks suddenly as I reach in the back to grab my bag.

“What do you mean? I ask quietly, digging around a little so Bruno can’t see me.

Logan jerks his head toward the truck beside us. “With Bruno. You gonna keep seeing him? Keep your place in the herd?”

His tone is cold, edged with curiosity.

I open my door, stepping out.

“I honestly don’t know.”

Bruno, thankfully, isn’t a big PDA guy, so he settles for taking my hand, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, and walking me into the building. As soon as my suede boots hit the tile I’m flanked by the twins, Madison joining them.

“Hey Zoe. I love your outfit,” Madison gushes.

I can feel myself blushing. “Thanks. You look great too.” I offer sincerely. She’s wearing a tiny white skirt and deep blue blouse. Between the heels on the stilts she’s wearing and the miniscule skirt, she looks like a model, all long legs and bouncy hair.

“Is that jacket Marchesa?” Katelyn asks, touching the lapel.

I look down. My dress is a flowing crème color with small flowers that hits me just above the knees, the jacket is a soft green that’s got brass buttons and little cuffs. You wouldn’t think you could mix a girly dress and a military style jacket, but somehow, Carlos assured me, it works.

“Yeah. Spring collection, I think.” I say absently.

“Oh, we have got to go shopping together some time!” Madison begs.

“Have you picked up your dress for Homecoming yet?” Cassidy asks, joining the group.

“No, not yet.”

Madison claps gleefully. “We should go this weekend. I know this amazing boutique—“

“Has anyone seen Kaylee today?” Becca cuts in, stepping into the slow moving group.

The twins shrug, Bruno mutters a, “No,” before turning back to the discussion he’s having with his guys. Madison shakes her head.

I frown. “I um, I saw her yesterday. She was pretty sick. I think she went home early.”

Becca looks concerned, but Madison waves it off. “She’s still playing the grief card to get out of class. Tacky if you ask me.”

“Still,” I offer as politely as I can, “Maybe you should go check on her, Becca? I’m sure she’d appreciate it.”