Sherry Ficklin - Losing Logan

I quickly fill him in about The Reaper and about suspecting Becker of being the mystery boyfriend.

He takes a few deep breaths.

“So why does this Reaper want you?”

It’s a really good question. My eyes flicker to Logan who shakes his head.

“We aren’t sure.”

“And you really think Becker would do something like that to Logan? To Kaylee?”

I shrug. “He’s strong enough to take down Logan.”

“If he took me by surprise,” Logan retorts.

I roll my eyes. “If he took him by surprise. And Becker could have dragged his body onto the bridge and tossed it over.”

“If he did, why do you think Kaylee didn’t say something?”

“Maybe she was too scared. Maybe he threatened her?”

Logan shakes his head. “No way. Kaylee was nothing if not a stone cold bitch. No way would she have let him scare her.”

“Maybe she was in love with him?” Carlos says thoughtfully. “I mean, she was pregnant. Maybe she wanted him to dump Cassidy when she told him about the baby, but instead, he just killed her.”

“Blackmail? Threatening to use a pregnancy to force him to be with her? That plays more like the Kaylee I knew,” Logan says.

“Logan agrees.”

Carlos perks up, looking proud to have someone validate his theory, even if it’s someone he can’t see or hear.

“So what’s the next move?” Carlos asks, sitting down on the bed.

I look at Logan who nods.

“I’m taking Cassidy dress shopping for Homecoming tomorrow. I’m going to try to talk to her about it then. Maybe she knows something. If Kaylee was having a fling with Becker, maybe she threw it in Cassidy’s face. That seems like something Kaylee would do.”

“You should ask Carlos to talk to Becker.”

“Forget it Logan.”

“Forget what?” Carlos asks, looking confused.

“Logan thinks you should talk to Becker. But it’s a terrible idea. If he is guilty, what do you think he’ll do if he thinks Carlos is sniffing around? So like I said, forget it.”

Carlos puts his hand on mine. “I will try to talk to him, if it’ll help.”

I shake my head. “Not no, but hell no Carlos, I mean it. Just let me deal with this. What you can do is use your incredible people skills to get close to Madison. She adores you and she was Kaylee’s best friend. She says she didn’t know about the guy, but she knew something, I’m sure. Just get her gossiping.”

He nods, “That I can do.”

I smile half-heartedly.

“Um, can you ask Logan to give us a minute alone? I want to talk to you privately for a minute.”

I nod. “Scram Logan.”

“Are you kidd—you know what? Fine. I’ll be back later.”

He vanishes and I lay back.

“He’s gone.”

Carlos lies beside me. “Ok, so I have to ask. Are you in love with Logan?”

I laugh dryly.

“Why would you ask that? I mean, he’s dead.”

Carlos snorts. “Yeah. I know that. But he’s here, talking to you. You can see him. And you’re helping him. But the last few weeks, you’ve been so…”

“Moody?” I offer.

“Not the word I was going for but, sure. We’ll go with moody.”

I sigh heavily. It feels like there’s a ton of bricks on my chest and no matter what I do, I can’t seem to lift the weight.

“Yeah. I am.”

“And Bruno?”

“Maybe? God, this is all so messed up.”

“Yeah, tell me about it.”

I roll over, looking Carlos straight in the eye.

“I can’t be in love with Logan. He makes me crazy. I literally want to punch him in the face half the time.”

“But?”

“But the other half of the time, I just want to be near him.”

“You realize there’s no scenario in which this ends well, right?”

I lick my lips. “I know. I guess, I just want to hold onto him for as long as I can. But I know that eventually, I’m going to have to let him go.”

“I’m so sorry, Zoe Bowie.”

I nod. “I know. It just hurts so much.”

I feel a teardrop escape the corner of my eye and I wipe it away quickly.

“And when you are hurt, you push people away. I know that, Zoe. Deep down, I think he probably does too. But, you should really try to just…set things straight with him. Let go of the pain and fear because at the end of the day, it’s not how you want to remember your time with him.”

“You are stupid smart with all the girly emotional stuff, you know that? What the hell kind of man are you?” I chuckle sadly.

He’s right. I know it. I need to set things right with Logan. Because our time together is quickly running out.

“So what do I do about Bruno, oh wise swami?”

He tucks his hand under my chin, “Do you care about Bruno?”

I nod.

“And he makes you feel?”

I sniffle. “Special. Loved. Safe.”

He nods, “Then just let him love you, and love him as much as you can in return. Love him as much as you’re able to right now. There’s no shame in that.”

I lean back. “You should consider a career as a therapist.”

“I could have my own talk show.”

“And you could make people cry on TV.”

He tilts his head back, “I have always wanted to make people cry on TV.”

A few hours later I’m picking at the last slice of cold, leftover pizza when Logan finally gets back.

“Where were you?” I ask, walking back to my bedroom with my plate and a two liter of Diet Dew tucked under my arm.

“I went to Becker’s. I just, I dunno. I was trying to remember if it was his face, but it’s still a big blank.”

I close my door behind Logan. Mom’s at work, but I still feel safer with the door shut, just in case.

“Don’t beat yourself up. You’ve been traumatized. It’s only natural your mind would block pieces out to try to protect you. Especially if it was someone you knew.”

He looks down at the floor. “I suppose.”

He flops into my chair and I curl up on the floor at the end of my bed.

“Look Logan. I want to apologize.”

“For what?” he asks, looking genuinely surprised.

“Oh, you know. For being my usual, crazy, bitchy self. I’m really sorry.”

He looks up, holding my eyes. “It’s alright Zoe. I understand. I know none of this has been easy on you either.”

I lick my lips. “Yeah, but the thing is, I don’t know how much time we have left together and I don’t want to spend it like this, being angry and catty.”

A rogue tear slides down my cheek before I can blink it away.

“I just want you to know, that I love you. And I’m going to miss you so much it feels like my heart is going to cave in.”

I blow out a long breath. Logan is beside me in the blink of an eye, wiping the tears away.

“I think the reason I can do this, the reason I can be solid sometimes, is because of you. Because when I’m with you, I feel alive. More alive than I’ve felt in a really long time. But the longer I stay, the more I want to stay forever. And that isn’t good for either of us,” he says sadly.

I nod, leaning against him.

“I know. But it doesn’t make it any easier.”

“For me either, Zoe.” He kisses the top of my head.

Then I feel myself start to slide through him, his firm skin replaced by cold air.

“It’s just so unfair. We should have had time,” I whine.

“We have right now. Maybe that’s all we get. But I’m grateful for every second of it, I want you to know that.”

I push the plate aside and climb into bed, patting the blanket next to me. Logan lies down beside me, his own eyes wet with tears.

“I didn’t know ghosts could cry.”

He frowns. “These are the manliest of tears. Reserved for things like toe stubbing and accidental snake bites to the buttocks.”

I laugh through the tears and close my eyes, letting myself drift off to the sound of his breathing.

“And for letting go of you,” he adds quietly.

Morning comes and this time, when my alarm goes off, Logan is gone. Something inside me feels like a deep well, hollow and cold. I roll out of bed and shower quickly. Knowing I’m going to be trying on dresses later I opt for a soft white peasant dress and soft suede belt. I’m buckling the strap on my heels when Logan appears in my room.

“Sorry, I meant to be here when you woke up, but I lost track of time a little.”

I shrug and proceed to weave my hair into a loose braid, tying it off with a bit of ribbon. Standing up I go to the jewelry box and pull it open. It’s made of wood and brass and when I tug open the tiny glass doors, Brahms lullaby starts playing. A birthday gift from my father when I was a little girl. Now every time I hear the tune I feel close to him, and I really want to feel close to him today.

“Look what I found,” I say, holding up a long silver chain with a bottle cap dangling from it.

Logan grins, walking over to see it better. “I can’t believe you still have that.”

“We were what, like six?”

He shakes his head. “And I gave it to you in exchange for—“

“A kiss. My first kiss as a matter of fact.”

“And you kept it all this time?”

I shrug. “First kisses are a big deal for a girl.”

I don’t tell him that after he gave it to me, for the next few weeks, I’d convinced myself it meant we were married. I’d even told my dad that I was going to have to move out of the house and move into the tree house with Logan since he was my husband. Dad just laughed and told me that someday, I’d get married for real and when that happened, that he’d have to approve of it because he’d be giving away his only daughter.

I feel my heart stutter at the memory.

“It was a big deal for me too.”

I roll my eyes. “Whatever Logan. You probably don’t even remember—“

He holds out a finger. “You were wearing a yellow sweater. I told you it made you look like a bumble bee. You hit me. And then, I gave you the necklace because you were crying. You sniffled and said, what does it cost? And I said,” he pauses so I finish.

“A kiss from a crying girl.”

“See? I remember.”

I smile sadly. Why can’t life ever turn out the way it’s supposed to?

Putting the necklace over my head I let it fall against my chest. I don’t look back at Logan until I’ve fought back the tears. I’m not going to cry again. Not today. Today, I just have to… survive.

“Look, about Bruno,” Logan starts, clearing his throat. “It’s okay for you to like him. I mean, not that you need permission, but…Bruno’s a good guy. You deserve a good guy.”

I take a deep breath.

“Okay, quit trying to make me cry, you freaking sap. I just did my mascara.”

He looks offended, then realizes that I’m teasing.

“Me? You busted out with the childhood memories. Geeze woman. Pining away much?”

I chuckle. “Well, you know me. I never throw away perfectly good jewelry.”

He lowers his voice seriously. “You look beautiful, by the way. Just thought you should know.”

I pull my shoulder into my chin. “Oh, I know. But thanks just the same. Are we ready to do this?”

He nods and I hear the doorbell ring. I’d almost forgotten I asked Bruno for a ride today since I was going shopping with Cassidy right after school.

“Um, I’m going to go hang out at my house today, okay? I want to see my mom, make sure she’s doing alright.”

I nod. “See you at lunch?”

He smiles and vanishes.

By the time I get to the front door my mom is chatting away with Bruno, who looks completely undaunted by her. Granted she’s only five foot four, a hundred pounds wet, but she can be as intimidating as a grizzly bear.

I kiss her quickly on the cheek, pushing Bruno out the door with a hand to his chest.

“Bye mom. See you later,” I say, ushering him toward the truck.

“What, you don’t want me to talk to your mom?”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t want her to start sending out our wedding invitations just yet. She tends to get a little over excited.”

He opens my door, stopping to kiss me before he lets me in. I sigh deeply. I really do enjoy kissing Bruno.

“She’s nice,” he says.

“Um, she’s meaner than a bag full of squirrels and twice as nuts.”

He laughs.

“What’s so funny?” I ask.

He turns the key in the ignition. “You. I don’t think I’ve heard you insult anybody in a few days. Are you saving up for a special occasion?”

Now it’s my turn to laugh. “Maybe. It’s almost Homecoming after all.”