Sherry Ficklin - Losing Logan

“Are you okay?” He asks, breathlessly.

I frown. “Yeah, why?”

“The police came to my house today. They were asking my mom a lot of questions about you.”

“Me?”

He nods. “They think we were in a secret relationship or something. Then they searched your house. They didn’t find anything but…”

“But what?”

“It’s going to look bad, Zoe. Them asking questions like that, then searching your house. When people find out, they are going to assume you’re involved.”

“The police can’t find anything to tie me to Kaylee, because there isn’t anything to find.”

“I know that. And even if the police never press charges, just being a suspect will put you under a microscope in the worst way.”

“I know. I just told Bruno about it.”

“What did you tell him?”

I shrug. “The truth. Minus the part where I can see and talk to his recently deceased best friend.” I bite my bottom lip. “All we can do is figure out whose car you saw that night. If I can figure out who killed you, maybe I can make all this go away.”

He nods. Reaching out he touches my arm, solid only for a moment before fading into air.

“Logan, you have to keep trying to remember what happened. I’ll follow the car lead, but it’s all just such a long shot. And even once you remember, we will have to figure out how to get the police on board.”

“I thought about that. They never found my cell phone. It was turned off so they couldn’t trace it. But I know where it is. I lost it that night, it fell in this hollow spot at the base of a tree. If we can find the phone, plant it on the killer. Then all it will take is an anonymous phone call.”

I nod. “That’s a good plan actually.”

“You sound surprised.”

“Color me impressed is all. In the mean time, I have a shopping date with the girls.”

“You want back up?”

I almost laugh. “So you can hang out in the dressing rooms in Niemen? No thanks perv.”

He folds his arms indignantly. “Fine. I’ll be here, watching TV in your room.”

I lick my lips, “Actually, could you do something for me?”

He tilts his head. I want to kick myself for even asking, but deep in the pit of my stomach guilt and worry gnaw at me.

“Can you keep an eye on Bruno? He’s at practice with Becker and…I’m just worried about him.”

His jaw clenches and he nods. “You really care about him, don’t you?”

God, is this feeling ever going to go away? Every time Logan and I are together it feels like I’m slowly bleeding to death from a million tiny cuts.

“I do.”

He looks away, trying to conceal the pain in his expression, but failing. It stabs me in the heart like a knife.

“So do I,” he whispers and vanishes.

The drive is long and loud. I take shotgun leaving Darla in the back seat. She leans forward, head poking out between us as she recounts her latest drama.

“Can you believe Peter asked me out?” Her voice is dry, tone appalled.

“Pete is a nice guy,” I defend. Though, to be frank, I would never go out with him either. Not because he isn’t attractive or because he has all the humor of an impacted tooth, but because I’m not convinced he doesn’t have some sort of weird fetish. He seems like the type. All proper and buttoned up on the outside, total freak behind closed doors.

She snorts, reading my expression. “He is nice. Hannibal Lector was nice until he started eating people’s faces off.”

I laugh, I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself. I had always wondered what a guy like Bruno was doing with a chick like Darla, but now I sort of get it. He just likes loud, obnoxious, ballsy women. I’m actually kind of perfect for him. But that makes me even more curious about their break up.

“Okay, this may totally suck of me, but I have to ask. Why did you and Kyle break up?”

Darla presses her lips into a hard line, glaring at me.

From the driver’s seat Cassidy laughs dryly.

“Are you kidding? You don’t know?”

I turn back to Darla, feeling like I missed the punch line.

“I have no clue. That’s why I asked.”

“Well, it’s really none of your damn business, is it?”

“Get over it Darla, everyone else knows.”

“He dumped me. He told me he didn’t want to waste his time with me anymore.”

I raise one eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound like the Kyle I know.”

She sits back in her seat, pulling her legs up under her.

“Well, you don’t really know him at all, do you?” She looks out the window. “Don’t worry, one day he’ll do the same thing to you and you won’t even see it coming. Then you’ll know who he really is.”

“Pull over the bitterness bus, Darla. It’s time to get off,” Cassidy says from the front seat. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her talk to someone like that before.

But, it just proves Darla’s point. I don’t really know Cassidy, or Becker or Kyle for that matter.

“Bruno’s a great guy. Don’t listen to her. She’s still hurt that he broke up with her.”

At the risk of pissing off the only person in the car not hating on me, I decide to bring up Becker.

I toss my hair over my shoulder and smile at Cassidy. “So…you and Becker? You guys seem so happy.”

She shrugs. “Yeah. He has his moments. But we’re good.”

“I think you guys should go out for Homecoming King and Queen. I’ll nominate you,” I offer sweetly.

She glances over at me, looking confused. “Why would you do that?”

I shrug. “It’s like you said. I want a perfect couple to look up to. I mean, things are great with Kyle.” From the back seat Darla snorts. “But you guys have been together longer and it looks like you are inseparable.”

“That’s not what I heard,” Darla chimes in from the back seat.

“Shut up Darla,” Cassidy commands, her face flushing.

I look over my shoulder at Darla in the back seat. Maybe bringing her was a lucky break.

“What do you mean?” I ask as innocently as possible.

She looks only too pleased to rub her words in Cassidy’s face.

“I mean, sweet innocent Cassidy had a bit of a fling this summer, didn’t you?”

In the front seat Cassidy sucks in a deep breath, her cheeks flaring red. “It’s not a big deal.”

“My ass it’s not a big deal.” Darla leans forward, “If you can air my dirty laundry, yours is fair game too, sweetie.”

Cassidy clears her throat. “I got drunk at Bruno’s party and made out with another guy.”

I let my eyes widen in surprise. “What guy?”

She glances over quickly before locking her eyes back on the road. “Not Bruno if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“It was Logan,” Darla answers, her voice breathy. “Can’t blame her for that one really, I mean, what girl wouldn’t want to make out with him? He was gorgeous.”

“And funny,” Cassidy adds.

“And sweet.”

I roll my eyes, “And a total pain in the ass, as I recall.”

They just laugh.

“So, how did Becker take it?”

Cassidy frowns, “Oh, he was pissed, of course. But I told him I was so blitzed I thought Logan was him.”

“And he bought that?” Darla asks before I can.

“Sure. Boys are really stupid, and I think in a weird way he was sort of flattered.”

I pucker, looking out the window. “Yeah, weird.”

“It was moot anyway. Becker used to hang on Logan’s every word; he had some sort of idol complex I think. Becker never would have blamed Logan. Kaylee, on the other hand…”

Darla laughs. “Please. She was already cheating on him by then. She didn’t give a rat’s ass.”

I flip around in my seat.

“Cheating on him with who?” Darla glares at me suspiciously. “I mean, it would kind of be like cheating on Channing Tatum with David Spade, right?”

Darla relaxes, “Who knows? She kept it under pretty tight wraps. But, she said something about it once, do you remember, Cassidy? At that sleep over?”

“Oh, yeah. She said she found someone who really understood her. We asked who it was and she just told us he isn’t some stupid high school boy.”

“Yeah, I always figured it was one of those baseball players who comes in for the summer. But then, when school started, she was still acting weird. Breaking up with Logan and stuff.”

“You knew about that?” I ask quickly.

“She told Madison. Madison told me.”

I break into a grin. “Wow, remind me never to tell you gossipy bitches anything.”

Cassidy glances over to make sure I’m joking. I stick my tongue out at her. She laughs and Darla joins in.

Thing is, I’m not joking at all.

It seems unfair that I still have to go through with the actual shopping portion of the evening now that I’ve gotten the info I came for, but it ends up actually being kind of fun. We make our way through three stores, trying on the biggest, ugliest gowns we can find. Cassidy snaps pics of me in the various dresses and sends them to Bruno. He responds with a series of thumbs down images.

Then, I try on a bubble gum pink taffeta gowns that makes me look like a spool of cotton candy and send a picture to Bruno with the message, how about this one?

His response is a very simple, only if you want to embarrass yourself by showing up in the same outfit as me.

Three stores and two and a half hours later we hit a little boutique I’ve never seen before. In the window is the most amazing dress I’ve ever seen. It’s silver with a sheer black lace overlay, fitted to the body, a slight v neck front with lace that rolls over the shoulder and down the back. It’s short, shorter than anything I’ve ever worn before, but not so short that it looks slutty. It’s edgy and sexy and dark. And I love it immediately.

Cassidy sees me eyeing it.

“Oh yeah, that’s the dress. Go try it on.”

She ushers me into the shop and leads me to the dressing room, ordering the sales clerk to bring one in my size.

It fits perfectly. Cassidy holds up her phone to snap a pic and Darla covers it with her hand.

“Nope. A dress like that deserves the element of surprise.”

I glance at the tag, bracing myself for sticker shock only to find it pretty reasonable. Reasonable enough that I snag a new strapless bra to go with it.

“Bruno isn’t going to know what hit him,” Cassidy says wistfully.

Cassidy decides on a pale pink long gown with beading along the bodice, and Darla goes for a simple green velvet dress with a 70’s vibe. The drive home seems to go faster, and I let myself relax and just enjoy the company. I’ve never had girlfriends, unless you count Carlos, and it’s kind of nice. Even though I couldn’t care less about 90 per cent of the things they are talking about, it’s fun just to listen to them go on about makeup and celebrities, and my personal favorite, how long you should go between hair colorings.

It’s chatter, white noise in the back of my head. I just let them talk, I doubt I would have anything of value to add anyway.

By the time Cassidy drops me off it’s almost eleven and mom is waiting for me at the door, her eyes blood shot.

I’d texted her about my plans, but I’d failed to realize how long the adventure would take. The last thing I thought was that she’d wait up for me.

“That was a long trip,” she says, closing the door behind me. Logan is sitting on the couch, watching TV.

“She was worried,” he says without turning around to look at me. “Don’t be mean to her. She didn’t have to wait up for you.”

He’s right. I know he spent most of the day with his own mom, who is probably suffering in ways I can’t even imagine. I look at my mother, really look at her for the first time in months. Maybe years. Her curly hair is frizzed out, she has dark circles under her eyes and her skin is pale, too pale.

It takes me a minute to realize that Logan is right. I’ve been mean to her. Not intentionally, not really. But after dad died, I sort of decided not to allow myself to rely on anyone anymore, including her. She probably expected me to lean on her for support, but I’d done just the opposite. I learned not to lean on anyone. And being with Logan has also reminded me how short life can be. If something happened to one of us tomorrow, how would I want to have left things?

I smile. “I’m glad you’re still up. Kyle asked me to Homecoming, and I said yes.”

She almost melts with relief. I lead her into the kitchen.

“Look,” I say, pulling the dress out of the bag covering it.