"She was perfectly charming, as always," Anna remarked somewhat harshly. Graham raised even rejection to an art form. Damn her pristine control! Isnt there anything that affects her iron clad self-discipline ? Anna was only too afraid she knew the answer to that.

"Well, shes done something, now hasnt she?" Helen persisted softly.

"No, Helen," Anna began, surrendering to her frustration. " Ive done something." Ive fallen in love with her! She closed her eyes, searching for calm. She couldnt very well tell Helen that she wanted Graham to make love to her, now could she?

"I cant seem to reach her," she said carefully. "She is always polite, always cordial and her distance is driving me crazy. She wont accept one compliment; she cant hear one kind word, without mistrusting it! Its so hard when you care about her!" She caught back a sob, struggling for the tatters of her own self-control.

"Graham has been alone a very long time," Helen said carefully. "She has forgotten how to get on with people." She sensed it was more serious than that, but Helen didnt want to embarrass Anna if her assumptions were wrong. Annas moodiness hadnt escaped her notice, and neither had Grahams growing reliance on Anna. She had been expecting some kind of confrontation for weeks.

"Well, she certainly seemed to know how to get along with Christine!" Anna said angrily . She certainly didnt have any problems kissing her ! she wanted to shout. Oh god, I really am losing my mind!

"Christine?" Helen responded dismissively, "Graham suffered her presence, thats all."

"Im not so sure about that," Anna responded, her anger escalating, too hurt for caution. "She suffered a lot more than her presence . She allowed that woman to fall all over her, and she could deny her nothing!! I think shes still in love with her and is just too damn stubborn to admit it!"

"So she told you about them, did she?" Helen asked, beginning to get a better idea about the source of Annas distress.

"Yes, she told me!!" Anna barked. "The love affair to end all love affairs. Whether Christine is here or not, she will always have that hold on Graham! God, Im such a fool!"

Helen shook her head adamantly, "Oh no, my dear. You are wrong. Graham made a fool out of herself over that girl, but she wasnt so much a fool that she would do it twice!! When Christine left Graham for Richard Blair, she not only broke Graham's heart, she betrayed everything Graham believed love to be. As hard as it was, at some point even Graham had to accept that she was only an exciting and forbidden diversion for Christine. Love her still? No my dear, Graham would never have forgiven the betrayal."

"Then what is it that keeps her so apart?" Anna beseeched. "She is so talented, so sensitive, so kindhow can she bury all of that as if it meant nothing? As if she herself meant nothing? What is she hiding from??"

Helen had never seen Anna so distraught, and she knew the only words that might help her would also reveal Grahams deepest secrets. It was not for her to expose Graham in that way.

"Perhaps she just needs time, Anna. These last months, since youve come, shes changed so much. Oh, I know you cant see itbut I can. She no longer sits for hours, alone in her rooms, or wanders the bluff at all hours of the night. There is life in her now, Anna, life that has been missing for more than a decade! Just listen to her music if you dont believe me. You led her back into the world. You put a flower in her hand and showed her there was life that she could experience still. Such a simple thing as a flower! It took you to do that!"

Anna shook her head, feeling sad and defeated. "Whatever else she needs, I cant seem to give her. And I dont know how much more I can take." She looked at Helen with despair in her eyes. "Im sorry, Helen, you dont deserve this. I dont even know why Im so upsetI dont even know what Im feeling half the time. Its foolish of me to be carrying on like this. Maybe Im just being selfish - Graham certainly seems content." She gave Helen a tremulous smile and a swift hug. "Dont wait dinner for me," she said as she hurried from the room.

Helen looked after her, conflicting loyalties warring in her mind. As much as she adored Graham Yardley, she couldnt stand by and watch Anna suffer.

**********

"Graham?" Helen called at the music room door. She entered to find the room deserted. The doors to the terrace were open, despite the brisk October wind. A few leaves fluttered through and clustered on the floor. Grahams body was outlined in moonlight as she leaned against the balustrade, facing out to the night. Her light shirt whipped about her thin form in the wind.

Helen wrapped her shawl tighter around herself and ventured out. She was shocked by the chill in Grahams fingers when she covered her hand where it lay on the railing.

"Graham! Youre freezing. Come inside!"

"Im fine, Helen," Graham answered hollowly. "Go backits too cold here for you."

"And youre made of stone?" Helen snapped, her patience perilously close to gone. First Anna, and now Grahamthe two of them suffering was more than she could watch in silence.

"It seems that I am," replied Graham with a cynical smile.

"I know better than that, and you would too if youd let yourself admit it."

"Helen," Graham said warningly, "I love you like my own parent, but this is something you know nothing about. Let it alone, pleasefor my sake."

"I have!! All these years when you locked yourself away herebut theres not just you anymoretheres Anna."

"Helen" Graham growled harshly, "leave Anna out of this!"

"I would if I could, but thats not up to me, is it? Ive watched you dying slowly right before my eyes for too many yearsyou who I cherish with all my heart, and Ive never said a word, never tried to change your mind. I know how much you lost - and your sight was the least of it!"

"Helen, please," Graham whispered, her fists clenched against the stone rail, "please, dont do this now. Please let me have some peace."

"This is not peace, Graham! You may be blind, but your heart is notyou may think love deserted you, but you know as well as I do that wasnt love! I wont believe you cant recognize it when you feel it! Anna loves you"

"Anna pities me"

"No, Graham. For once your blindness has trapped you! I can see what you refuse to feel I only have to look at her look at you to know! She loves you, Graham!"

A groan escaped Graham as she turned away. "You know me Helen! You know what my life demands, what I demand! Do you truly think anyone, especially someone as young and vital as Anna, would stay, once she knew what it really meant? I might have killed Christine in the car that night, because she couldnt give me what I wanted- because she was leaving me. I believed once, and it destroyed me. I will not believe again-I cannot survive the loss."

"You underestimate her, Grahamand its not just yourself youre hurting now. Youre breaking her heart."

"No!" Graham shouted, her fists pounding the unyielding stone. "I cannot, I will not, let this happenit would destroy us both! I will not bind her to this barren world that is my heart. Now leave me, pleaseI beg of you." Her last words came in a choked whisper, and tears streaked down her anguished face.

Helen bent her head in defeat, longing to take the trembling woman in her arms. But she knew that Graham would not allow even that sympathy. What Graham feared was inside herself, and nothing could assuage her inconsolable grief.


Chapter Fifteen


Silence descended on Yardley Manor as each of them struggled to accept their disappointments. Anna went about her work with quiet resignation, an aching hollowness her constant companion. Whereas once the time she spent with Graham eased her loneliness, now seeing her only seemed to heighten it. And Graham, if possible, was even more remote. They spent less time together, as Graham often absented herself from the music room in the afternoons. Instead she worked late into the night, after the others were asleep. She had begun taking her meals alone again, although the trays came back barely touched. The music that echoed in the corridors was dark and melancholythe one place Graham could not hide her emotions was in her music. It was truly the mirror of her soul. Helen stood by helplessly, knowing that only Graham could change the course of their lives.

Late one evening, to Helens surprise, Graham came to the door of her sitting room.

"Graham, good gracious!" she exclaimed. "Whats wrong?"

"Helen," Graham said urgently, without preamble. "Where is Anna?"

Helen glanced at the clock on her mantle. It was almost eleven, and it occurred to her she hadnt seen Anna all evening. "I dont know. She wasnt here for dinner. Hasnt she come up?"

"No, and I havent heard the Jeep return," Graham remarked, barely able to hide her anxiety. In some part of her consciousness she waited for the day Anna would not return. It was impossible for her to work freely when Anna wasnt about the house or grounds. Especially recently, since their estrangement, she found herself listening for Anna's step in the hall or the distinctive crunch of gravel in the drive. As much as she expected Anna to leave, she feared it. When it happened, she would lose whatever small purchase on life she had left.

Helen could read the fear in Grahams face. Ordinarily she wouldnt have worried, but Anna hadnt been herself lately. Since the night they talked in the kitchen, Anna had been distracted and almost dazed. Helen worried she might have had an accident.

It was hard for Helen not to think of that awful night when the call had come about Graham. She remembered only too well the agonizing hour they had all spent while men worked to free her from the wreckage. It was an hour spent not knowing if she were still alive. Helen struggled to dispel the image and quell the surge of alarm. Anna must simply have forgotten to mention her plans. Any other possibility was more than she could bear to contemplate.

She struggled to keep her voice even. "Im sure shes fine, Graham. Go on to bed. Ill be up. If theres any problem, shell call."

A look of panic flickered across Grahams face. Helen knew as well as she that Anna never absented herself without word. With effort she said evenly, "Of course, youre right. Just the same, Ill wait in the library in case she calls."

Helen listened to the echo of her retreating steps, losing sight of her as she descended the dark stairway with a measured step. She knew Graham was every bit as stretched to the limit as Anna seemed to be. She wondered fearfully which one of them would lose the thin rein of control first.

The hallway was dark when Anna let herself into the house just after one in the morning. She jumped when a voice called out to her.

"Anna?"

Anna fumbled for the light switch as she stepped into the library. Graham was seated in a chair before the window that fronted the main drive, as she had been for hours.

"Graham?" Anna asked in surprise "What are you doing in here?"

"We were worriedHelen and I. I was waiting in case you called." Graham rose, and began to pace restlessly. "Although god knows what I thought I could do about it if you were in trouble," she laughed bitterly. "We make a fine pair, Helen and I. One who cant drive, and the other one blind!"

"Oh god, Graham," Anna cried. "I stayed to have dinner with my graduate advisorit wasnt planned. I should have called, but we started talking and I lost track of the time!" She felt miserable for having worried either of them.

Graham made an impatient gesture, infuriated with her helplessness, embarrassed by her near panic. "Nonsense. You dont owe either of us an explanation. Your private life is none of our affair. Where you spend your time- and with whom, does not concern us."

Anna gaped at her. She had to be the most infuriating woman she had ever met! "Is that what you think? That I was out on a date for gods sake?"

Graham straightened her shoulders, anger replacing her worry. There was no need for Anna to know she had spent several anxious hours fearing she had left for good. "I dont think anything one way or the other, nor do I care. As I said-"

"I know damn well what you said , Graham," Anna seethed, absolutely beyond caring whether she offended Graham or not. "What I dont understand is why you said it! You know very well how I feel about you, whether you chose to acknowledge it or not. Ive done everything short of begging you!! Dont insult me by suggesting I would simply wander off and find consolation elsewhere. Do you think youre the only one capable of a true and honorable emotion?? Damn your arrogance!"