Sean took her hand and led them resolutely through the house. She knew if she looked back at Drew they would not leave that day.

Sean sat mesmerized on the benches facing the exhibition area, marveling at the fluid grace of the Aikido ka. The circular flowing defensive blocks and large forceful throws reminded her of dance. And watching Drew after the long weeks of absence was intoxicating. She had forgotten how imposing she was, tiger-like in her fierceness and strength, agile and quick in her movements. Sean was a little disappointed when the program ended. She so infrequently had the chance to really watch Drew, and she had been enjoying herself.

Drew folded her hakama, the long black over-trousers that symbolized a high-ranking Aikidoist, and left the mat area to join Sean.

“It was beautiful,” Sean pronounced as Drew sat down. “I really enjoyed it.”

Drew smiled, “I’m glad.” She gazed away for a moment, then questioned hesitantly, “Its six o’clock. Would you like to have dinner somewhere?”

Sean pressed a little closer to Drew. “I’m not too good at hiding my feelings, Drew. What I want is to be in bed with you. Is that a possibility?”

“Are you sure?”

“Its the only thing I’m absolutely sure of right now. I’m dying from wanting you.”

“Lets go,” Drew growled, grabbing her bag and keys.

Neither said a word on the ride to Sean’s house, but the pounding of their hearts seemed audible.

Drew lay still, staring at the shadows flickering on the ceiling. Sean was lying against her, one leg thrown up to cover Drew’s own. A long graceful arm lay curled across Drew’s chest, holding her possessively. Drew tried not to think about what she was doing. When she thought about the rightness of her actions, she feared she was cheating Sean. Her immediate reaction was to flee. When she allowed herself to feel her need for the woman who lay beside her, she panicked. Never had she wanted this to happen never, never again. And, yet, here she was, because she had let her senses rule her she ached, and she sought comfort; she desired, and she sought release; she cared, and she sought expression. Was it fair? No. Selfish? Yes. Madness? Most definitely. And yet here she was, and for now, at least, she could not bring herself to leave.

She shifted slowly, not wanting to awaken Sean. Her movement brought a slight protest from Sean, and the arm around her tightened.

“You’re not leaving are you?” came the sleepy voice.

“Its late,” Drew murmured, pressing her lips to Sean’s forehead.

“So? Do you have an appointment?”

“I” Drew hesitated, reluctant.

“Drew,” Sean said quietly, fully awake now. “I want you to stay, I want you to be here in the morning. If you need to leave, its okay. Ill just miss you.”

Drew turned so that the length of their bodies touched. “You make things so easy and so difficult.”

Sean insinuated her leg between Drew’s, thrilling to the warmth of her touch. “How so?” Sean asked languidly. She began rocking her hips against Drew’s, sliding her leg back and forth with each stroke.

“Oh,” Drew gasped, pulling Sean’s hips more firmly against her. “Because you” Her voice trailed off as Sean slid a hand between them, reaching for the moisture between Drew’s legs.

“Because what?” Sean murmured, fingers lightly teasing.

“You oh”

“What?”

“I ah, yes there”

“I what? Tell me!” Sean insisted, her strokes escalating.

“Cant” Drew gasped, “I’m gonna”

“Oh, are you?” Sean breathed against her lips, her fingers dancing rapidly, “Are you now?”

“Yes!” Drew cried, arching her back, groaning with each pulsation.

Sean held the gasping woman in her arms, smiling with satisfaction.

It was just light when Drew slipped out of bed, pulled her clothes on, and made her way down to the kitchen. She found a pot of coffee on the burner and helped herself. She wandered out to the terrace, halting in the open doorway when she saw the figure seated on the low stone wall.

Ellen looked over her shoulder and beckoned to Drew.

“Come on out. I could use some company with my guilt. How about you?”

Drew grimaced. “How did you know?” she asked, joining her atop the wall.

Ellen shrugged. “Its my job to know these things, remember? We shrinks are, oh, so perceptive.”

Drew thought she understood the bitter undertones in Ellen’s voice. She sipped the strong coffee, welcoming the warmth in the chill November air.

“We’ve given them hell, haven’t we?” Ellen remarked.

“Yes,” Drew conceded. “How’s Susan?”

Ellen picked at the seam of her jeans aimlessly. “She’s deeply hurt, and frightened, and struggling to make sense of something I should have known better than to do. She’s picking up the pieces after a three-week binge that I’m the cause of. The hardest part of it all is that she’s forgiven me.”

“Yes,” Drew acknowledged. “That makes you loathe yourself, doesn’t it?”

Ellen nodded. “This is where I’m supposed to say we should forgive ourselves, or love ourselves, or some such palaver. But, frankly, I cant do it. Id rather someone take me out and beat me.”

Drew laughed. “Maybe we can just sit here and beat each other.”

“Okay,” Ellen said. “You go first.”

Drew was silent for a long moment, and then she asked quietly, “Why’d you do it, Ellen? Susan so obviously worships you.”

“Ouch,” Ellen said. “You’re good at this.” She took a deep breath, searching for honesty. “I was angry with her because she wouldn’t live with me and start a family and leave Sean. I was jealous, and I felt unappreciated; and I didn’t have the guts to say so. I did it because I’m a coward I didn’t put up a fight, I just ran to a convenient pair of arms.”

Ellen tossed the dregs of her coffee onto the ground. She looked at Drew and began, “Okay my turn.

“Sean is the kind of woman who holds the deepest part of herself back from everyone except Susan,” Ellen continued. “For her to open herself to you is something close to a miracle. How could you abandon her, leaving her to believe you didn’t care for her? She could bleed to death from a wound like that.”

Drew stared at Ellen, absorbing her words the way she would absorb a blow, letting the pain of the truth pierce her. “Point and match to you.”

Ellen clearly saw the grief in Drew’s face, heard the sorrow in her voice. She had no doubt that Drew was an expert at swallowing her pain while it destroyed her inside.

“Not good enough, Drew. You have to say why.”

“I cant.”

“Try if not for yourself, then for Sean.”

Drew closed her eyes, her hands clenched at her sides. “I need her,” she whispered harshly, “and I don’t want to.” That was all she could manage.

“There is always need in love, Drew. Its human to need,” Ellen said gently.

“Not like I need her,” Drew said. “It feels like she’s my sanity. The world makes sense when I’m with her.”

“Ah,” Ellen said, “and Susan make me feel more alive than I’ve ever felt without her. So, we need them to make life worth living so, were closet weaklings. Let me share a secret with you, Drew. Loving women like us, with our flaws and our broken places, is what they need. Were all here to help each other heal.”

Tears shimmered on Drew’s golden lashes and finally fell, years in the waiting. Ellen reached for her instinctively, cradling her in the shelter of her arms.

“Oh, Drew,” she murmured, “its not as selfish as you think. You’ve unlocked Sean’s heart something no one has ever been able to do. That’s a tremendous gift.”

Drew heard the words, not quite ready to believe them. Nevertheless, for the first time in eight years, she allowed someone to comfort her.

Sean stood at the kitchen window, watching Ellen hold the woman she loved as she cried. She couldn’t think of anyone she trusted more to take care of her lovers tender heart.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Sean was finishing client notes when Ellen ended with her last patient of the day.

“There’s beer in the office fridge,” Sean called when she heard Ellen in the small kitchenette that adjoined their offices.

“Thank god,” Ellen muttered as she entered carrying two bottles.

“Thanks,” Sean said gratefully. She studied Ellen, who sagged into the chair facing the small desk. “How are you doing?”

“Better now that Susan and I are back together. We’ve still got a long way to go, but at least were talking about things we should have talked about years ago.”

“I’m glad. I’ve missed Susan’s smile. Its back.”

“How about you?”

Sean sighed and ran a hand absently through her hair. “I fluctuate between ecstasy and terror. Drew is here, but not totally. We’ve been spending a lot of time together, and I love it. She’s so strong and serious, and tender, and”

“Wonderful?” Ellen laughed.

“Yes, wonderful”

“But?”

“Something is keeping her from really being with me except when we make love. That’s the only time she really gives herself to me. She lets me touch more than her body, then she lets me touch all of her. Then she’s beautiful, open and accepting of me, and so fragile. Any other time, there’s a wall up I can’t quite reach her.”

Ellen was not surprised. She had seen how deeply Drew buried her pain.

“Its going to take time, Sean. If anyone has the patience to stick with her, you do.”

Sean nodded. “I’m trying. But she’s in so much pain, I can hardly bear it. Every night she sleeps with me she has horrible dreams. She wakes up screaming, soaked with sweat, disoriented for minutes. It tears my heart out.”

“Sounds like post-traumatic stress,” Ellen thought out loud.

Sean stared at her. “Oh god, you’re right. I’m so frightened by it, I couldn’t even see it.”

“Whatever it is, being with you will bring it to the surface. She’s probably going to get worse before she can tell you.”

“Oh, Ellen, I hope I’m strong enough to help.”

Ellen smiled. “I cant think of anyone better.”

“You will stay after class to talk, Drew, yes?” Janet Cho said as she passed Drew, who was jamming her sparring gear into her bag. It was not a question that left room for negotiation.

“Yes, ma’am,” Drew said through clenched teeth. She didn’t look at Sean, whom she knew was watching her.

Sean, in turn, carefully folded her belt and uniform, feeling hurt and bewildered. Drew was so clearly angry with her, and she didn’t understand why. In fact, there had been an undercurrent of anger present for weeks. Drew had become short-tempered in class, with everyone, but especially her. She didn’t feel as if she could do anything right.

Tonight it had culminated in Drew stopping a sparring match between Chris and Sean after only a few minutes. Chris was compact and quick, and she had managed to hit Sean twice in the face within the matter of a minute.

Still, Sean had felt she was holding her own when Drew stopped them, criticizing just about everything Sean had done. Sean was unprepared for the intensity of Drew’s anger it hurt.

She followed the rest of the students to the door, bowed, and left quietly, not caring that she had not said good-bye to Drew. It was the first time in weeks that they hadn’t stopped after class to have a bite to eat, often spending the night together. She didn’t want to see Drew right now, not until her feelings had settled a little.

“Sean has six months before her black belt test, Drew,” Janet said as she sat down near Drew.

“This isn’t about a belt,” Drew said darkly.

“Then what? You are pushing her very hard. Why? She is a good student, she works hard.”

“You saw her with Chris tonight! She’s already had her nose broken, and Chris scores two hits right to her chin!”

“Yes, I saw. So she has more to learn. She will learn it.”

“She needs to learn to protect herself!” Drew exclaimed. “Discipline, self-control, self-knowledge, personal growth that’s all very well, and I support it. But she must learn to protect herself!”

“Why now?”

“What!?”

“Why now, must she learn in a few weeks what you know it takes years to learn? What is the sudden hurry?”

Drew looked exasperated. “You don’t have the luxury of spending a lifetime learning self-defense any longer. Anything could happen any time!”

Janet Cho nodded. “So now you make Sean miserable because tomorrow someone may hurt her?”

“Yes, if I have to,” Drew stated vehemently.

“Maybe if you weren’t in love with her, you would not make her so unhappy.”

Drew stepped back as if struck. “What did you say?”

“You love her you are afraid something will happen to her you ask more of her than she is capable of right now you make her unhappy.”