“Ellen and I are fighting again,” Susan said in a small voice.

Sean finally gave her sister her full attention. “Oh, Suse how come?”

Susan shrugged. “The same stuff she wants us to have a baby.”

“A baby! She’s never said that before!”

“Well, she’s saying it now. She’s thirty-two, she wants to have children before she’s too old to be a good parent. You know, the usual biological clock stuff.”

“Well how do you feel about having children?”

“I’m not keen on having one out of my own body, but I think kids are neat, and it would be something to have a child with little parts of Ellen in there. Its just such a big step and there are so many ways to fuck up!”

Sean thought she began to understand. “Is that what you’re scared of? That you’ll fuck up and make the kids life miserable?”

“Well, why not?” Susan demanded bitterly, “I’m a thirty-five year old alcoholic who’s afraid of intimacy what kind of parent would I be?”

Sean took her hand and squeezed gently. “You’re a bright, funny, loving woman who would make some child a wonderful parent. But you have to really want it, Suse. Ellen, the commitment, the child all of it. Its too important for all of you not to be sure.”

Susan sighed. “That’s the problem my heart says yes but my head says no. Oh, well she’ll get over it. She always does.”

Sean didn’t see any point in stating the obvious. Ellen had been looking pretty unhappy lately.

“Do you think you two will still come to my dojang party for Master Chos birthday next weekend?”

“Absolutely,” Susan responded. “Ellen wouldn’t miss it, and I want to see what other crazy women are into this medieval torture stuff.”

“Oh, do shut up, Suse!”

~The evening of the party was clear and warm. Sean, Susan and Ellen had set up long tables on the broad stone terrace with sandwiches and an ample bar. The CD player was stacked with dance music, and outside speakers broadcast the sound. It was the first time all of her classmates and teachers had been to her home. Sean was a little nervous. She had been anxious all day wondering if Drew Clark would come, and the fact that she was anxious about it made her even more anxious. By seven o’clock she was a wreck.

“Sean,” Ellen said, grasping her arm and pulling her over to the stone banister which flanked the stairs leading into the garden, “What’s up with you? This is not the calm, cool always collected Sean Grey who I know and love.”

Sean shrugged. “Just a little anxious about the party.”

Ellen shook her arm lightly. “Sean, dear, this is Ellen. I’ve seen you address a room full of stuffed-shirts without blinking an eye and host a dinner party for fifty. This is not about the party.”

“I’m a little embarrassed about it,” Sean finally confided.

“About what?” Ellen asked.

“I think oh god, this is hard I think I have a crush on one of my teachers!” Sean finished hurriedly, blushing furiously.

“That tall, blond hunky one, I hope,” Ellen said.

Sean nodded.

“Well!” Ellen pronounced. “And how does the good Doctor Grey feel about this crush?”

“She feels ridiculous that’s how she feels! I’m thirty-five years old, a responsible professional and straight, I might add.”

“Are you?”

“What?”

“Straight.”

Sean hesitated before she answered. “I never questioned it before, I never had reason to. All I can say is that I’m terribly attracted to this woman, and I’m afraid it shows.”

“What attracts you to her?”

“How about everything? She’s fiercely intense, focused, powerful not to mention kind, and caring and beautiful.” Sean didn’t add what else she sensed the hidden pain, or rather, the torment, that Sean had glimpsed that night weeks ago.

“Would you sleep with her?”

“In a heartbeat!”

Ellen gazed down the long expanse of lawn to the trees below.

“This is more than a crush, Sean. What are you going to do about it?”

“Hope that it goes away before she notices, or before I make a fool of myself.”

“Why?” Ellen asked in surprise.

“Because I have absolutely no indication that she is interested in me, and even if she were, there’s the problem of her being my teacher.”

“Oh, Sean get a grip. You are both adults. Were not talking about the impropriety of a high school student and a thirty-year old teacher. It might create some problems in the what do you call it? Dojang ?but, it is not inherently an unethical situation.”

“I think she might see it that way.”

“Didn’t you tell me that your head teacher and a student were lovers?”

“Yes, but they were lovers before Sabum Roma started training. That’s different than becoming lovers with one of your students.”

“Its a pretty fine distinction!”

“Not necessarily would you sleep with one of your patients?”

“Of course not!”

“Even after the therapy had ended?”

“No, Sean you know that.”

“Well, how about just being friends with an ex-patient?”

Ellen hesitated. “Almost certainly not. But the patient-therapist relationship is a long way from what you’re talking about.”

“There is still a lot of room for abuse. Many female students have been taken advantage of by male instructors. There is a tremendous power imbalance, especially in a formal school like ours.”

“Do you feel like your attraction is coming from some unhealthy place?”

“No, but she might. That’s all I’m saying.”

Ellen turned around and looked toward the house. “I think you’re way ahead of yourself here, Sean,” she said. “First let the woman know you’re interested then let her decide if that’s a problem or not. You cant write the whole story by yourself.”

Sean didn’t ask the question she really wanted answered. How, exactly, did you go about letting another woman know you were interested in her? With men it was easy with this she felt completely out of her depth.

“Hey,” Susan called from the house, “they’re here.”

By eight o’clock the terrace was crowded with women and a few men, partners of the heterosexual women in the class. Master Cho sat quietly, Chris Roma at her side.

“Happy birthday, Janet,” Chris said softly.

Janet smiled gently. “Thank you, love. It is a nice birthday they are a wonderful group, aren’t they?”

“Yes and they all care about you, and each other.”

Janet nodded, a slight frown on her usually smooth face.

“What is it?” Chris asked, ever sensitive to her lovers quiet moods.

“Drew is not here. I was afraid she would not come.”

“Why not?”

“She is not one to make friends but I think she needs to. She has been too long inside herself, and she suffers.”

Chris knew of the nightmares she couldn’t help but know. Too frequently, she and Janet had been awakened by muffled cries coming from the guest room down the hall during the few weeks that Drew had stayed with them before moving to her own apartment nearby. Chris didn’t know the circumstances and she didn’t ask. Her lover and Drew had been friends for many years before she met Janet Cho, and the confidences they shared would never be revealed except by Drew herself.

“She’s happy at the dojang , don’t you think?”

“Ah, yes thank goodness for the students. There she has women to care about but, it is too safe.”

“Too safe?”

“She can care about them from a distance, but they do not touch her heart. And, she does not have to accept the responsibility of being cared about in return. That is necessary for her to teach, but it is a hiding place, too.”

“Is there anything we can do?”

Janet smiled and stroked Chris’s hand. “No. Someday, I hope, she will let another claim her heart when the want is greater than the fear.”

“Is that how it was with you?”

Again the small smile. “Ah, yes but, with me the fear was of you not wanting me.”

Chris laughed. “Then you will never have anything to fear.”

Sean watched the party from the doorway of the dining room. She was touched by the tender scene between her teachers. She could not hear their words, but the gentle touches that passed between them as their heads bent close spoke of love. She looked for her sister and Ellen and found Susan in the midst of a group of laughing women. No doubt she was accosting them with questions about their masochistic tendencies. She couldn’t find Ellen.

Just then, the doorbell rang, and she moved through the quiet house to answer it. As she crossed through the dim living room, she saw Gail Driscoll follow someone through the doorway opposite her and into the library.

She opened the front door to find Drew standing there, Sean’s denim shirt in her hand. Sean liked the way Drew looked in faded jeans and a white oxford shirt.

“Hi,” Sean said shyly. “I’m glad you could come.”

“Sorry I’m late,” Drew said, holding out the shirt. “Thanks for this.”

Sean took the shirt and tossed it on the mail table. “We waited to give Master Cho her present until you were here,” she said, as they approached the group outside. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“A beer would be good.”

Drew crossed to where Janet and Chris were sitting and bowed to Master Cho. “Good evening,” she said.

Janet Cho smiled. “It is, yes. Thank you for being here.”

Drew looked momentarily uncomfortable, and then made a conscious effort to relax. She watched Sean wend her way through the crowd with two bottles of beer, looking comfortable in a white tank top and black cotton trousers. She seemed to stand out from the other students, not just because she was a good deal older, but because she carried herself with an air of certainty that suggested she was at peace with herself. As always, her presence had a soothing effect on Drew.

“Thank you,” Drew said as she accepted the damp bottle. “Your nose looks normal finally.”

Sean laughed and touched her face self-consciously. “It actually looked much worse than it felt.”

A fleeting shadow flickered across Drew’s face, and she lifted the bottle hastily to her lips. When she spoke again, her voice was steady.

“You handled it well. You would have made an excellent soldier.”

Sean laughed out loud, a full, throaty laugh that animated her usually cool features. “Oh, not at all! I’m almost as bad as my sister when it comes to taking orders.”

“Not that I’ve noticed,” Drew remarked.

“That’s different. In class I understand that the discipline is to make me strong, to keep me focused on the task, to remind me of the seriousness of what we do. Its a discipline I accept as necessary it actually makes me feel safe. I wouldn’t welcome that kind of control in every aspect of my life as I imagine a soldier must do. It may be too safe I would feel stunted, too infantilized.”

Drew nodded. “You’ve got a point. Even though I hope we all hope that some of what you gain in class will support you in the rest of your life.”

“It does,” Sean agreed. “It helps a great deal in my work I’m more resilient, I can listen to my clients their fears, their pain I can hear it and feel for them without being immobilized by it. I feel more balanced.” Sean stopped speaking when she realized Drew was staring at her, an intense searing stare.

“What?” Sean asked quietly.

Drew started and looked away uncomfortably. “I’m sorry. I was wondering how you do what you do listen to all that pain.”

“I try to remember that there are all kinds of pain, and that the human spirit is amazingly strong and that with love and time, there can be healing,” Sean answered gently.

“You really believe that?”

“I do. I’ve seen it. Some pain never completely disappears, but we find a place for it like a distant sound, we can hear it, but the intensity diminishes until it blends with all the other rhythms of our life. One song among many.”

“You’re a poet, Sean,” Drew remarked.

Sean blushed. “Hardly. Its just the way I’ve found to make sense of the human condition.”

“Its good there are people like you to do this work,” Drew said softly.

“Thank you.”

Their eyes met and held for a moment, and both of them knew there were words left unspoken.

Sean looked into Drew’s blue eyes, knowing there was a secret there, wondering if she would ever know it. Drew searched the gentle depths of Sean’s, wondering why she felt so welcome.

They both jumped as a voice at their elbows demanded, “Hey, Sean when are we going to give Master Cho her present? This party is starting to rock!”

Sean looked about and realized that people were beginning to dance, and that the alcohol was flowing freely. As the senior student, it was Sean’s responsibility to present the gift.