Kody Keplinger - Lying Out Loud

I sat down in the folding chair across from Dad and took a deep breath. Behind me, Mr. Rush cleared his throat.

“I’m going to step outside for a minute,” he said. “Give you two a chance to talk.”

When he was gone, Dad turned to me, confused. “What’s going on, Sonny Bunny?”

“Dad, I … I need to talk to you about Mom.”

I let it all spill out then. From her short disappearances when I was younger to her complete abandonment now. I told him about staying at Amy’s and how kind the Rushes had been to me. I told him every little detail, even when it hurt like hell to say aloud. By the time I was done, his confident, smiling, all-charm demeanor had fallen away.

His head was in his hands, his shoulders slumped forward. And he looked like a different person. Older. Haggard. Like someone who’d been in prison for years.

“Fuck,” he said. “Goddamn it.”

“Dad?”

“I’m so, so sorry, Sonny.” And I thought he might have been on the verge of tears. “I had no idea. Your mother was always unreliable, but I didn’t think she’d ever …” He took a deep breath and looked up, our eyes meeting. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” I said.

“Yes, it is. I’m your father. I should’ve been there. Instead of here.” There was a note of anger in his voice now. This gruff tone that I hadn’t expected. It was so startling that I scooted back in my seat a little. “I should’ve stayed in touch with you.”

“You said you tried to write and call.”

“I didn’t try hard enough,” he admitted. “I told myself I’d done everything I could. I’m a good liar that way.”

“Yeah. Me, too.”

“I figured you’d be fine with your mother. She didn’t want me involved anyway, so … But damn it, if I had known she’d do this, I would’ve … God, I could kill her for leaving you.”

“Maybe don’t say that with so many guards around?” I suggested. “Look, the important part is that you’re here now.”

“Yeah.” He reached across the table and took my hand in his, the anger in his voice fading. “I’m here now. And I’m not going anywhere.”

“Literally,” I joked. “Prison and all.” I paused. “Sorry. Was that rude? I’ve been told I have a bad habit of undercutting serious moments with jokes.”

But Dad was smiling. “You get that from me.”

“I do?”

“Oh, yeah,” he said. “It’s gotten me into trouble a few times. As for being stuck here, though … Well, not for much longer. I should be getting out in a couple of months.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “And … I know you don’t really know me, and I don’t even know where I’ll be living yet, and you’ll be graduating soon, but …” He cleared his throat. “But I hope we can spend more time together then.”

“I’d like that,” I said.

But I wasn’t getting my hopes up just yet. Dad had been out of jail before. The question was, how long would he stay out?

I wasn’t ready to trust him completely, but I was ready to try. To give him a chance and to let him surprise me. Now that he knew the truth about Mom, about everything, we at least had a place to start.

We talked for a while longer about the boring stuff: school, hobbies, et cetera. He asked about Amy, whom he vaguely remembered from my childhood, and he even inquired about my romantic status.

“I actually just went through a breakup,” I admitted as the familiar ache of missing Ryder throbbed in my chest again.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said, squeezing my hand. “Boys are the worst and you can’t trust any of them. I should know.”

“Well, not in this case. In this case, I’m the one who shouldn’t have been trusted.”

I was glad that Mr. Rush walked in before my dad could ask any more about that subject. Because — vow of honesty and all — I would have had to tell him the truth.

“Sonny,” Mr. Rush said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “It’s about time to go.”

Dad stood up. “Thank you,” he said to Mr. Rush. “For taking care of my daughter.”

“There’s no need to thank me,” Mr. Rush said. “We love Sonny. We’re glad to have her.”

The guard signaled that it was time for us to go. I stood up and hugged Dad over the table. His scent overwhelmed me. The smell of generic soap and … him. I remembered being three or four years old, crying after I’d slammed my finger in the door as he held me to his chest, rocking me, telling me it would be okay.

Fast-forward fourteen years, and I was crying in his arms again.

“I love you, Sonny,” he murmured into my hair.

He let me go slowly, and I wiped my eyes, not sure what had brought on the sudden tears this time. “Bye, Dad.”

He waved as Mr. Rush led me out past the guards. It was hard to walk away from him. But we’d give this whole father-daughter thing a real try. And even if it didn’t work out, as hard as that would be, I knew I wouldn’t be alone this time.

“Thank you,” I said to Mr. Rush once we were in the car.

“Of course,” he said. “I don’t mind driving you to visit your dad.”

I shook my head.

Because that wasn’t what I’d been thanking him for.

Meet me in the art room at lunch.

I frowned down at the message from Amy. It wasn’t like her to text during school hours. Why, that was breaking the rules. Something Amy never did … unless I made her.

Nonetheless, I made my way toward the art room instead of the cafeteria. I figured Amy wanted to show me something she’d been working on — I knew her art class had been in the middle of some big project. And I was eager to tell her my good news. I’d gotten an e-mail from Daphne’s that morning, letting me know that they’d like to hire me. Apparently, I had wowed them in my interview, and they wanted me to start immediately.

Hopefully I could hold on to this job for a while. I was tired of being poor.

But when I walked into the art room, Amy wasn’t the only one waiting for me.

“Ryder,” I said, startled. My stomach was already twisting itself into knots. “What are you doing in here?”

“He got the same text you did,” Amy explained. “I figured that was a good way to communicate with you two. Considering the recent past.”

Minor ouch there.

“But why?” I asked.

“I’m going,” Ryder said, moving to the door. My heart sank. But Amy — to my surprise — blocked him.

“You’re not,” she said. “You’re staying in here until you two talk.”

I blinked at her. “You’re … trapping us in a classroom?”

“It was the only way I could think of to get you two in the same room,” she said. Her boldness was completely unexpected. She was really taking this whole Fierce Amy thing seriously. “No one will be in this room until after lunch, so you have half an hour. And you have a lot of talking to do. So I’ll be outside.” She turned and stepped into the hallway, her hand on the knob. “And don’t even try to come out,” she added. “I won’t let you.”

I was still staring, my jaw on the ground, as she closed the classroom door.

“Seems like you’re not the only manipulative one in this friendship,” Ryder muttered as he slid into a seat.

Okay. Major ouch.

“She’s trying to help,” I said.

He shrugged, his gaze deliberately pointed away from me.

“We should talk,” I said. “She’s right about that. Even if her methods are a little … extreme.”

“I have nothing to say, Sonny.”

I felt helpless but pressed on. “That’s fine, because I have plenty to say.” I walked across the room and sat down at the desk across from his. He didn’t have to look at me, he just needed to listen. “I know you hate me, Ryder. And you have every reason to. But I made a promise to Amy — and to myself — that I’d be honest from now on. And that means telling you the truth, too.”

I took a deep breath and clasped my hands in my lap, clutching my fingers so hard that it hurt.

“So I guess I’ll start at the beginning. Um … It wasn’t … I never meant for any of this to happen. That first night, when you IMed me — well, IMed Amy — I didn’t realize I was on her account. We’d sent you that mean e-mail, and we both felt bad about it. So when I got that message, I thought it was for me. That’s why I responded. And then we talked all night, and I didn’t know that you thought I was Amy until you logged off. I was going to tell you immediately, but you wouldn’t let me. I tried, and you just cut me off —”

“So you’re blaming this on me?” Ryder asked, finally looking at me.

“No,” I said quickly. “No, I’m not. Because what happened after that is still my fault.”

I went through the whole story, every last detail. From the instant message conversations to the stupid, convoluted plan I’d dragged Amy into, to the texts and the kissing. I spilled my guts and laid them out on the table like an art project. And all the while, Ryder stayed painfully silent.

“So that’s it. That’s how all of this happened,” I said. “And I know it’s screwed up and I know I did a lot of bad things, but … you should know the truth.”

“Fine,” he said. “Now I know.”

There was a long pause.

“Is that all you’re going to say?” I asked.

“What else do you want me to say, Sonny?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Something. Anything. I mean, this can’t just be it. A couple of weeks ago, you thought we had a future together. You said I was incredible.”

“You weren’t who I thought you were,” he said.

“But I was!”

I was on my feet, but I didn’t remember standing up. Somehow I’d begun pacing back and forth between the desks, my hands twisting in my hair. I spun to face him, feeling desperate, determined to make him understand.

“I was exactly the girl you thought I was, Ryder. I was more honest with you than I ever have been with anyone. Even in the texts and the IMs, I was telling you more about myself than anyone knew. You just didn’t know it was me. But everything I told you, about my mom … Ryder, you’re the reason I called my dad. The reason we might have a relationship now. I’ve never even opened up to Amy about that. Maybe none of that means anything to you, but it matters to me.”

“So you want me to forgive you?” he demanded. And then he was on his feet, too. “You want me to just forget all of this happened?”

“I never said that.”

“Amy might be able to get over everything you did, but I’m not that forgiving.”

“Oh, believe me, I know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I threw my hands in the air. “You know what? I’m being honest here, so I might as well be honest about this, too. I’m not the only one with problems.”

“I have problems?”

“Have you called your dad yet, Ryder?”

“How does that have anything to do with —?”

“It has everything to do with it,” I said. “When I first met you, you worshipped the ground he walked on. You hated your mom for dragging you away from him. But the minute you found out he wasn’t perfect, you flipped. You thought your mom was a saint and your dad was the worst human who ever lived.”

“My parents have nothing to do with this,” he said.

“You put people on pedestals, Ryder. You tell yourself that they’re perfect. You ignore all of their flaws, until one day they disappoint you just a little too much, and then you’re done. You cut them out and think they’re worthless.”

Ryder and I were so close, staring each other down. My heart was beating so fast, and my breath was a little ragged.

“Your dad screwed up,” I said, my voice lowered. “What he did was awful. But he’s your dad and he wants to be a part of your life. You’re lucky. And your mom —”

“Stop, Sonny.”

“She’s not perfect either,” I insisted. “Maybe she’s not as selfish as you thought she was when you first moved here, but she made some mistakes, too. She’s cold and judgmental. And it’s okay to see that. You can love people and still realize they’re screwed up.”

Ryder was silent again, and stiff as a board.

I swallowed, knowing I’d crossed a few lines. I hadn’t meant to say any of this. I’d been holding it back, knowing it wasn’t my place to get involved with his family. But it wasn’t just his family anymore. Now, I was the one who’d fallen off that pedestal.

“You did it with Amy, too, you know. You acted like she was some sort of goddess, even when she was rude to you. You ignored it. You were in total denial. Until one day you realized you liked me more and … and then you acted like she was the worst person imaginable.” I shook my head. “And now me. The same thing.”