Faith Sullivan - Meant for Me

“I’m not playing Russian roulette with your life,” he insists, bending down to help me, but I swat him away.

“You’re not,” I reply, getting angry. “Everything’s fine. For now, the baby’s fine.”

“Yeah, for now,” he huffs.

“We’re not having this discussion here, okay?” I slip a foot into one of my Ugg boots, holding on to his arm as I pull it on.

“But we are having it.” He’s determined to get the last word, so I let him. He may think he’s won the battle, but no way in hell is he winning the war. He can badger me all he wants. Unless the placenta ruptures, I’m going to hold on to this baby for as long as I possibly can. I owe it to the kid after starting it off on such a bad note. I don’t think I’ll drink alcohol again for the rest of my life, as long as this baby survives.

“Please don’t turn this into a day I’d rather forget.” I reach for his hand, placing it between mine. “Eric, we just saw our baby for the first time and heard its heartbeat. It was such a magical moment. Nothing should ruin that for us.”

He gazes deeply into my eyes before raising his head to look out the window. It’s like he’s trying to decide what to do. He’s conflicted, but I know what I want, and I’m not going to deviate from it. He’s just going to have to trust me.

“Let’s go home, okay?” I stand on my tiptoes and kiss his cheek. He shaved this morning and his skin is soft. I let my lips linger, thinking back to the day I shaved him. I’d readily give him anything, but not this.

We created this baby together, and we’re going to see it through to the end—whenever that may be.

Eric

I was planning on driving Ivy out to the Hideaway Cliffs after her doctor’s appointment, but Dr. P. axed that idea.

I thought it’d be the perfect way to celebrate hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I was hoping for the best, but the news we received isn’t good. Ivy could die at any time. And I’m not about to sit back on my heels and wait for that to happen. I need to take action. Sometimes even the best intentions require a change in plan.

My mom advised me to take my time and make my proposal to Ivy special. But that was before. Things are different now. We don’t know how much time we have left together. It could be decades. It could be days.

I have my grandmother’s ring in my pocket. I almost whipped it out in the exam room but thought better of it. I’ve been carrying it around with me since I boarded the plane to L.A. I’ve been waiting for just the right moment, but it just hasn’t presented itself. I’m so ready to pull the trigger and make her my wife that I almost didn’t care that we were surrounded by posters depicting the proper way to conduct a breast self-exam.

I glance over at Ivy, and she’s staring absently through the truck window at the snow flurries filling the air. Her hands are on her belly. I noticed she’s been doing this more and more, as if to protect the life growing inside her that’s threatening to extinguish her own.

“Are you hungry?” I ask, and she looks over at me, a smile forming in the corners of her mouth.

“Actually, I’m starving,” she proclaims, causing me to chuckle.

“I’m glad to see that you’re getting your appetite back.” I exit the parking lot and merge into traffic. “Why don’t we get some McDonald’s and enjoy the first snowfall together?”

“You had me at McDonald’s,” she jokes.

It’s just down the block, so it’s not long before we’re at the drive-thru. I don’t even have to ask what she wants. I already know. Not a big fan of the cafeteria meal plan, she told me this place was her addiction in college. She grew up on Happy Meals since her mother was usually too lazy or too loaded to cook. I learned early on in our relationship that fast food is a source of comfort for her. I don’t know how she’s not three hundred pounds after eating so much of it, but I’m willing to grant her this one indulgence. Even if she can’t cook worth a damn, she sure knows how to feed my hunger in ways that are a lot more satisfying.

“Welcome to McDonald’s. Would you like to try our new chocolate chip frappé today?” the automated voice regurgitates through the speaker. I give Ivy a tortured look and she starts to laugh. We never want what they want us to try.

“No thanks,” I reply as the snow begins to accumulate on the side-view mirror.

A fully human voice crackles on the other end. “How can I help you?”

“I’d like two number one Extra Value Meals,” I reply, already anticipating the next question.

“What size?”

“Medium.”

“And what would you like to drink?”

“Two chocolate shakes.”

“Will that be all?”

“Yep.”

“Your total is $12.06. First window, please.”

I reach into my back pocket for my wallet before turning the corner. I only have a few crumpled ones. I’ll have to use my credit card. I hate to charge little things like this because they tend to add up in hurry, but I used all my cash for the $100 co-pay on Ivy’s office visit. In my head, I rapidly do the math. If the baby makes it to twenty-two weeks, that’s an additional $1,400 I’m going to have to come up with for the weekly doctor visits. Thank God she finally reached the deductible on her insurance plan and I didn’t have to pay for today’s ultrasound. The fall attractions at the garden center were a success, but I still have to make payments on the loan, plus utilities, groceries, gas, and so on. Things are going to be tough until spring. We’ll just have to hold on and tighten our belts. It sucks having to live on such a strict budget, but there’s no other way with all these added medical bills. I try to ignore the dollar signs racking up in my head as I hand over my credit card to pay for the food.

Ivy’s taking it all in, but she’s not saying anything. She knows money’s tight. She hates being reminded that she can’t contribute, but I don’t mind providing for her. I just wish I had more to offer except a mountain of debt and a cabin without central heat. She’s going to be spending a lot of time inside. I’ll have to look into getting some space heaters for the bedroom. The fireplace downstairs isn’t going to cut it.

I hand Ivy the two shakes to keep her occupied as I slide something into the bottom of the bag while it’s on my lap. She’s sticking the straws through the lids as I pull into the first available parking spot and keep the engine running. It’s too cold not to. I reach for my drink and place it between my legs as she starts opening the bag, propping the containers of fries on the dash. The only thing to look at is the used car dealership across the street, so I don’t care if the windshield gets covered with snow. It’s kind of depressing actually.

I wait as she passes me my Big Mac and rummages through the bag for her own. Until she gasps, drawing out a tiny black box. “Eric, what is this?”

It’s definitely not how I envisioned it happening, but if I can’t drive her out to the Hideaway Cliffs then I’m not about to wait a second longer.

“Open it,” I urge as I watch a kaleidoscope of emotions flash across her face—shock, relief, fear, joy, and everything in between.

She snaps back the lid, and my grandmother’s ring sparkles up at her.

“Oh, Eric,” she whispers, breathless.

Reaching for her mittened hand, I slowly pull it off. Bringing her hand to my lips, I kiss it, holding it between my own. “Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”

She hesitates, lowering her eyes, and I know I really botched this. I didn’t plan a big, flowery speech. I took her to the least romantic spot on earth. I didn’t tell her the story behind the ring. I just rushed it, and now I can’t take the moment back. This is going to be how I proposed to Ivy—in my junky old truck, freezing our asses off, in a McDonald’s parking lot. Real classy move, Young. Of course she’s going to hesitate. Who wouldn’t?

“Eric, you know I’d like that more than anything in the world…” She pauses.

“But?” I provide the word she doesn’t say.

“But I think we have a lot we need to discuss before I can say yes.” She places the ring next to our fries, not even taking it out of the box.

“This isn’t about the baby,” I sigh.

“It sure as hell is about the baby,” she corrects me, already starting to get defensive. “Eric, you know how I want us to always be honest with each other, so I’m just going to lay it all out on the table. If you can’t accept the fact that I’m having this baby—” She halts, blinking back tears as my heart drops. “Then I don’t think I can marry you.”

“Ivy, you can’t be serious.” I turn in my seat to face her, but the damn milkshake gets in the way. “I love you, and I’m not going to have you risk your life over something that can be fixed.”

“You make it sound like it’s so easy, but it’s not!” she fires back.

“Ivy, don’t make this difficult when it doesn’t have to be.” I don’t understand why she’s being so ridiculously stubborn and taking such an unnecessary risk. Doesn’t she know what she’s doing to me by going through with this pregnancy? “We’re young. We can try again. This isn’t the only shot we’ll have at being parents. It just didn’t work out this time. The circumstances are beyond our control. You have to see that I only want what’s best for you. I’m not trying to be the big bad guy who goes around forcing the woman he loves to terminate a pregnancy, but it has to be done. Didn’t you hear what Dr. P. said? The baby is going to continue to grow, and it’s only a matter of time before that flap rips off and it’s all over.”

“Yeah, I heard everything Dr. P. said, not just what I selectively chose to hear,” she huffs, shoving the bag onto the floor by her feet. “He’s never seen anything like this before. He doesn’t know for sure what’s going to happen. He’s willing to give it a chance even if you’re not.”

“I’m not putting your life on the line. I refuse to do it.” I press my shoulders against the door, wishing we weren’t in such a confined space. “It’s not worth it.”

“Not worth it? How can you say that about your own child?” She shakes her head, gazing at me with a grief-stricken expression.

“You come first,” I respond, feeling like I just crossed some invisible line.

“So you’re making me choose between you and the baby?” she asks incredulously. “We shouldn’t be on two different sides on this. We should be on the same team, or else how are we ever going to be a family?”

My eyes widen, realizing the full impact of what she is saying.

“I can’t marry someone who is going to make me divide my heart like that. I just can’t, Eric. I can’t love you more than the baby and vice versa. I don’t know how to love that way.” She reaches for the ring box, handing it back to me. “If you want me to love you more than our child—or any of the children we may have someday—I can’t do it. Not after knowing what it’s like to be a mother, no matter how fleeting it may be.”

Her words are cutting me deep, right to the bone. I don’t even know what to say to that. It’s not like she’s twisting my words. She is the first priority in my life. Everything else comes second. That’s not going to change.

“I can’t believe you’re turning me down.” I take the ring and shove it back into my pocket. Aggravated, I grab the bag and start tossing the food back inside. Flicking the wipers, I scan the parking lot before getting out of the truck.

“What are you doing?” Ivy calls out, but I don’t respond. I have to get away from her for a minute. I angrily stomp toward a garbage can, hurling our uneaten meal through the opening. The milkshakes splatter against the rim, staining the cuffs of my jacket, but I don’t even care. Everything’s ruined now anyway.

I glance back over my shoulder and see Ivy sitting there, staring at me through the half-open door of the truck. The wind is whipping the snow across my trail of footprints. I pick up my collar, at odds over what to do. I don’t want to be around Ivy right now, but I have to take her home. I foolishly trashed our lunch, and there’s nothing left in our fridge to eat. I’m going to have to stop for some groceries.

I clamber back in and act like nothing happened. I can feel her eyes on me as I throw the truck into reverse and back onto the road. We sit in silence as I make a right and turn into the nearby shopping complex. I roam the lot, but there’s nowhere to park. As usual, everyone is running for milk and eggs the minute the first snowflake hits the ground. I’m going to be in for quite a hike.