down real criminals to go after a laundry swiper. They practically laughed her off the phone.

It is all very well for her and Mr G — all they lost were regular clothes. I am the only one who lost underwear. Worse,

my lucky underwear. Though I fully understand that the men and women who fight crime in this city have more important

things to do than look for my panties.

But the way things have been going, I really, really need all the good luck I can get.

Thursday; January 21

Algebra



Today, before class started, Lana was on her mobile, and this is what I overheard her saying:

'No, I can't make it to Pam's on Friday, I've got this stupid thing to go to. I don't know, it's some patient of my dad's.

Every year she has this stupid dance where everybody has to dress up in black and white.'

I froze, my Algebra I-II textbook only halfway open. Lana's dad, I remembered, all of my blood turning cold, is a plastic surgeon. Could he have been the one who gave Contessa Trevanni her anteater face?

'I don't know,' Lana was saying, into her phone. 'She claims to be some kind of countess. I swear to God, this town is

littered with wannabe royals.'

As she said the words wannabe royals, Lana swivelled her head around — getting her long, shiny blonde hair all over

Chapter Twelve of my Algebra book - and looked at me.

Um, excuse me. I never wanted to be royal. Never, ever, ever did I even remotely suggest to anyone that I thought it might

be cool to be a princess.

Oh, sure, I wouldn't mind being a princess the way Belle became a princess at the end of Beauty and the Beast. You know,

a fairy-tale princess with no problems or responsibilities, except to look pretty and be all sweet to people.

But being a princess in real life is nothing like that. You have to make all these decisions that affect the good of your country. Like should you or should you not make tourists pay for parking? And should you, or should you not, protect dolphins and

sea turtles from pollution?

Clearly Lana has never thought about any of this, however.

'No, I'm not taking Josh,' she said scornfully into the hone, as more of her stupid hair fell all over my textbook. In fact, I

thought about closing my book on her hair, just to hear her scream, but I wanted to hear why she wasn't taking her long-time boyfriend, Josh Richter, to the black-and-white ball with her.

'He is so immature at these things,' Lana said to her friend. 'I mean, at the last one we went to together, he actually started throwing grapes down the front of this one girl's dress. I know. High-school boys just don't know how to act. Besides,

there'll be all these West Pointers there. It'll be nice to be with some college boys for a change.'

Really, I may not have had a boyfriend all that long (thirty-four days to be exact) but it seems pretty disloyal to be looking forward to going to a dance with someone other than your significant other. I mean, I am totally dreading going to the contessa's black-and-white ball without Michael.

And now I am dreading it even more, knowing that Lana is going to be there.

Especially when Mr G walked into the classroom, and Lana — who had learned a lesson from last time — went,

'Oops, gotta go,' into her mobile and hung up, then happened to glance in my direction.

'What are you looking at, fish breath?' she wanted to know.

Now, I happen to know that I don't have fish breath. For one thing, I fully had oatmeal for breakfast, and for another, Lars

is addicted to those Listerine Pocket Pak thingies that melt on your tongue and is always handing them out, and I had just

had one in anticipation of Michael possibly stopping by my Algebra class on his way to Senior English (which he did, to

hand me a CD he burned for me last night of Pearl Jam's greatest hits, even though of course I don't really like bands that

don't have girls in them, except *NSYNC of course, but I will totally pretend that I listened to it and liked it).

So I know that my breath did not smell like fish.

But I didn't get to say anything back to Lana because Mr. G told us to get out last night's homework problems

(which I actually had done) so my opportunity was cut off.

But I am going to remember what she said for ever, because we Renaldo women, we can really hold a grudge when

we want to.






Defn: Square root of perfect sq. is either of the identical factors

Defn: Positive sq. root is called the principal sq. root

Negative numbers have no sq. root



Things to Do:


1. Have Genovian ambassador to the UN call the CIA. See if they can dispatch some agents to track down my

    underwear (if it falls into the wrong hands, could be an international incident!)

2. Get cat food!!!!!

3. Check on Mom's folk-acid intake.

4. Tell Michael I will not be able to make first date with him.

5. Prepare to be dumped.





Thursday, January 21,

Health and Safety


Did you see that? They are meeting at Cosi for lunch!

Yes. He so loves her.

It's so cute when teachers are in love.

So are you nervous about your breakfast meeting tomorrow?

Hardly. THEY are the ones who should be nervous.

Are you going all by yourself? Your mom and dad aren't coming with you, are they?

Please. I can handle a bunch of movie executives on my own, thanks. God, how can they keep

stuffing this infantile swill down our throats,year after year. Don't they think we know by now that tobacco kills? Hey, did you get all your homework done, or were you up all night instant messaging

my brother instead?

Both.

You two are so cute, it makes me want to puke. Almost as cute as Mr Wheeton and Mademoiselle Klein.

Shut up.

God, this is boring. Want to make another list?

OK, you start.



Lilly Moscovitz's Guide to What's Hot and What's Not on TV

(with commentary by Mia Thermopolis):

Seventh Heaven


Lilly: A complex look at one family's struggles to maintain Christian mores in an ever-evolving, modern-day society. Fairly well acted and occasionally moving, this show can turn 'preachy', but does depict the problems facing normal families with surprising realism, and only occasionally sinks to the banal.

Mia: Even though the dad is a minister and everyone has to learn a lesson at the end of every episode, this show is pretty good. High point When the Olsen twins guest-starred. Low point When the show's cosmetician gave the youngest girl straight hair.

Popstars


Lilly: A ridiculous attempt to pander to the lowest common denominator, this show puts its young stars through

a humiliatingly public 'audition', then zeroes in as the losers cry and winners gloat.

Mia: They take a bunch of attractive people who can sing and dance and make them audition for a place in a pop group, and

some of them get it and some of them don't, and the ones who do are instant celebrities who then crack up, all the while

wearing interesting and generally navel-baring outfits. How could this show be bad?

Sabrina the Teenage Witch


Lilly: Though based on comic-book characters, this show is surprisingly affable, and even occasionally amusing. Although, sadly, actual Wiccan practices are not described. The show could benefit from some research into the age-old religion that has, through the centuries, empowered millions, primarily females. The talking cat is a bit suspect: I have not read any believable documentation that would support the possibility of transfiguration.

Mia: Totally awesome during the high school/Harvey years. Goodbye Harvey - goodbye show.

Baywatch


Lilly: Puerile garbage.

Mia: Most excellent show of all time. Everyone is good-looking; you can fully follow every plotline, even while instant messaging;

and there are lots of pictures of the beach, which is great when you are in dark gloomy Manhattan in February. Best episode:

when Pamela Anderson Lee got kidnapped by that half-man/half-beast, who after plastic surgery became a professor at UCLA. Worst episode: anytime Mitch adopts a son.

Powerpuff Girls


Lilly: Best show on television.

Mia: Ditto. Nuffsaid.

Roswell High


Lilly: An intriguing look at the possibility that aliens live among us. The fact that they might be teenagers, and extraordinarily attractive ones at that, stretches the show's credibility somewhat.

Mia: Hot guys with alien powers. What more can you ask? High point Future Max; any time anybody made out in the eraser

 room. Low point: when that skanky Tess showed up.


Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Lilly: Feminist empowerment at its peak, entertainment at its best. The heroine is a lean, mean, vampire-killing machine, who worries as much about her immortal soul as she does messing up her hair. A strong role model for

young women - nay, people of all sexes and ages will benefit from the viewing of this show. All of television should

be this good. The fact that this show has, for so long, been ignored by the Emmys is a travesty.

Mia: If only the Buffster could just find a boyfriend who doesn't need to drink platelets to survive. High point

any time there's kissing. Low point none.

Gilmore Girls

Lilly: Thoughtful portrayal of single mother struggling to raise teenage daughter in a small, northeastern town.

Mia: Many, many, many, many, many, many cute boys. Plus it is nice to see single moms who sleep with their kid's teacher getting respect instead of lectures from the Moral Majority.

Charmed

Lilly: While this show at least accurately portrays historical Wiccan practices, the spells these girls routinely cast are completely unrealistic. You cannot, for instance, travel through time or between dimensions without creating rifts in the space-time continuum. Were these girls really to transport themselves to seventeenth-century Puritan America, they would arrive there with their oesophaguses ripped inside out, not neatly stuffed into a corset, as no one can

travel through a wormhole and maintain their mass integrity. It is a simple matter of physics. Albert Einstein must

be spinning in his grave.

Mia: Hello, witches in hot clothes. Like Sabrina, only better because the boys are cuter, and sometimes they are

in danger and the girls have to save them.







Thursday; January 21.

Gifted and Talented




Tina is so mad at Jane Eyre. She says Jane Eyre ruined her life.

She announced this at lunch. Right in front of Michael, who isn't supposed to know about the whole Jane Eyre technique

of not chasing boys thing, but, whatever. He admitted to never having read the book, so I think it is a safe bet he didn't

know what Tina was talking about.

Still, it was way sad. Tina said she is giving up her romance novels. Giving them up because they led to the ruination of

her relationship with Dave!

We were all very upset to hear about this. Tina loves reading romances. She reads about one a day.

But now she says that if it weren't for romance novels, she, and not this mysterious Jasmine person, would be going to

the Rangers game with Dave Farouq El-Abar this Saturday.

And my pointing out that she doesn't even like hockey didn't seem to help.

Lilly and I both realized that this was a pivotal moment in Tina's adolescent growth. It needed to be pointed out to her that Dave, not Jane, was the one who'd pulled the plug on their relationship . . . and, that when looked at objectively, the whole thing was probably for the best. It was ludicrous for Tina to blame romance novels for her plight.