“About a zillion times.”

Edison held out her hand and did the ‘gimme’ motion.  Amy handed over her cell phone.

Edison found his number easily and punched it into her little computer.  It beeped back an address on Pine Street.

“I could’ve just called the hospital and asked one of the twins,” Amy said.

“No, we don’t want to leave any sort of evidence trail,” Edison said.  She started the car and burned rubber out of the driveway and onto the street.  Isabel looked delighted at Edison’s driving technique.  They really are soul mates, Amy thought.


Mission Chad

 

They pulled up to a two-story apartment house that, according to the mailboxes, contained eight units.  Edison pulled into the parking lot where three other cars were parked.  “Are any of these cars his?” she asked.

Amy did remember his car but only because he talked about it all the time.  He had even named the car like it was his firstborn.  He would say, “I took Beemer up to Mt. Hood,” or “I took Beemer to the coast,” or “I took Beemer downtown but I didn’t want to park it anywhere in case it got scratched.”  Ugh, Amy hated Beemer.  She told Edison, “All I know is that it’s black and it has the shiny gold hub-cabs.  He named it Beemer.”

“Ah, well it’s not here.  And Beemer is slang for a BMW which is a German car and very uber-yuppie and they’re called rims not hubcaps,” Edison explained.  She glanced over at Amy.  “When we get this all cleared up I’m going to insist Jordan take you out more.  Where have you been living?  In a cave?”

“Med school mostly,” Amy said.

“It sounds like you were in prison,” Edison said.  She studied the building.  “Do you remember the apartment number?”

Amy looked out the window.  “Nope.”

“I’ll be right back,” Edison said, getting out of the car.

“Where are you going?” Isabel asked.

“To read the names on the mail boxes.”

“Be careful,” Isabel said like she was saying her last goodbye to a soldier headed off to war.

“This will just take a minute and don’t play with any of my stuff.”  She chucked Isabel under the chin and strode away.

Once they were alone, Amy asked the question that had been burning at her brain for the past half hour.  “How did you know all about the Corndog and the Plunger?”

“Hey,” Isabel said, shrugging, “Girls just want to have fun.”

“You’re really into her, aren’t you?”

Isabel stared dreamily in Edison’s direction.  “I can’t help it.  Just look at her.”

Amy looked.  All she saw was a girl who could have been the anthropomorphic version of Thelma from Scooby Doo.  Without the skirt and knee socks.  “Different strokes,” she thought.

Edison jogged back to the car and got in.  “Apartment number six.”  She pressed a hidden button on the dash.  There was a whirring sound as a previously hidden moon roof slowly slid open.

“Ooooh,” Isabel intoned like she was watching the Bat Cave open.

“Okay, now had me that scope,” Edison said to Amy.

Among the jumble of mechanical items, Amy had no clue what was a scope and what wasn’t.

“That long tube looking thing,” Edison prompted.

Amy handed it to her.  Edison aimed it toward the moon roof and telescoped out until it rose over twenty feet high.  She adjusted the swivel head back and forth with knobs until the scope’s line of sight was looking directly into Chad’s apartment.  Peering through the end with one eye squinted, Edison said, “Lights are off.  Nobody appears to be home.”

Amy resisted saying, “You could’ve just knocked on the door and found out that much.”

Edison reeled in the scope and stored it.  “Now for step two.”

Edison hopped out of the car, quickly picked up a chunk of broken concrete, took aim and heaved it at the window.  Glass shattered inward.  Edison jumped back into the car, yelling, “Duck!”  They all three crouched down out of sight below the car windows.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Amy whispered like somebody could overhear.  “You committed a crime.  That’s breaking and entering.”

“Technically we haven’t entered.” Edison said.

“It’s only breaking,” Isabel said and giggled.  Edison giggled along with her.

Edison peeked over the dash.  “All clear.”  She sat up.  “Next step.”

“There’s another step?” Amy said.

“Of course.  Why do you think we brought the helicopter?” Edison said.

“You’re not serious,” Amy said.

“You’re going to fly it into Chad’s apartment?” Isabel said like an excited little kid.

“Bingo.”

That word was beginning to make Amy nervous.

“Is that even possible?” Isabel said.

“With the right equipment and skills it is,” Edison said.  “And I happen to have plenty of both.”

Edison got out of the car, opened the passenger back door and gently extracted the helicopter.  She placed it on the hood of the car with its nose pointed toward the apartment building.

Next, Edison got back in the car and pulled a remote control out of her pocket.  It looked as innocuous as a PlayStation remote control, except it had a small screen attached to it.  Edison punched a big red button on the remote.  The helicopter buzzed to life.  The blades began to spin, faster and faster, until it lifted into the air.  Using a thumb toggle to guide the helicopter and the viewing screen to see where it was going, Edison guided the helicopter to the broken window.  It hovered a moment before the window and then easily slipped inside the apartment.

Edison punched another button on the remote and a red light came on.  “We’re in and recording,” she said.

Amy looked over Edison’s shoulder and peered at the screen. “Why does it look green like that?”

“Night vision scope because all the lights are off,” Edison answered.

Amy stared at the green screen, but couldn’t make out anything other than big dark shapes she took to be furniture. “I can’t see much,” she said.

“I can enhance it when we get back home.  I just need the initial information.  Okay, one more loop then we’re out of here.”

Edison made a last swoop around the apartment and then with the finesse of a heart surgeon maneuvered the helicopter out of the window and landed it back of the roof of the car.  The entire procedure took less than five minutes.

“Wow, that was impressive,” Isabel said.  She leaned back in her seat and fanned her face.  She was flushed and a sheen of sweat had formed on her upper lip and forehead.  Amy recognized the symptoms.  Isabel was either pre-heart attack or post-orgasmic.  Amy hoped it was the latter.

Edison quickly stowed the helicopter.  When she got back in the car, she leaned over and whispered something in Isabel’s ear.  Amy would have thought nothing of it except that Isabel nervously looked at Amy then sat stiffly in her seat facing forward.

“What’s going on?” Amy said.  “What did she whisper to you?

“Oh, you know…” Isabel said.  “Sweet nothings.”

Edison started the car and backed out of the lot.

“She did not,” Amy said.  “She saw something in there you’re hiding from me.”

Neither Isabel nor Edison said a word.  “So what did you see?” Amy asked.  “Did you see something important, anything that will absolve me in Jordan’s eyes?”

Edison drove in silence.  Her jaw clenched and unclenched.

Amy wrung her hands.  “Edison?” she said, “Did you see something bad?  Something you’re afraid will upset me?”

“Let’s just say I think that Isabel and I should preview the tape first.”

“Why?”

“Let’s just say there is an unusual theme going on and I’d like Isabel’s take on it.  Will you trust us to do what’s best for you?”

Amy looked out the window.  It had started to drizzle and the streetlights looked blurry.  Wasn’t there a saying, “April showers bring May flowers?”  Well, it was almost June.  It had no right to be raining.  It was like the weather was mocking her dilemma.  Feeling blue?  I will make it rain for you.  She pondered her predicament.  “How bad is so bad you don’t want me to see it?”

More silence, then, “Will you please let me do it my way?”

Amy started to argue then hesitated.  Did she really want to know what a creepy guy Chad was?  Did she really want to examine the psyche of a man she’d gone to bed with and find out that he was truly a nut-job?  Did love do this to him or was he already crazy?  Did love make an otherwise sane person crazy?  Maybe she should steer clear of the whole thing?  What was she going to do if Jordan did dump her?  Was she going to go all wacko-stalker-psycho on her?

They drove in silence.  They went through three green lights and still there was more silence.  Amy couldn’t contain herself any longer.  “How bad was it?  Bad like there’s small animals crucified on his bedposts bad?” Amy asked.

“No.  Not that bad,” Edison said, brightly.

“That’s good to know,” Amy said.  Of course, a moment later she realized it was both good and bad.  It was good in the sense that Chad hadn’t resorted to mutilating and sacrificing small animals.  It was bad in the sense that he might not have hit bottom yet.  His mutilating days could still be in front of him.  “Yippee,” Amy thought, tiredly.  “Yip-fuckin-eee.”


Shrine Amy

Edison led Amy and Isabel back to the third floor lab.  They were very quiet – too quiet, Amy thought.  Edison hooked up her video and began to download it to her computer.  Amy and Isabel watched quietly.  When the download was complete, Edison glanced over at Isabel.  “You need to take her to the other room while I work on this.”

Amy stood her ground.  “No. I have a right to see it.  It’s about me.”

“In a few minutes,” Edison said.  Isabel took her by the wrist arm and half led, half-dragged her into the next room.  “Sit,” she said, and pushed her into a tattered Barcalounger complete with cup holder that had been duct-taped to one arm.  “Don’t move.  Try to relax.  Okay?”

“Okay.”

Isabel patted her on the head and left, shutting the door behind her.  Amy sat on tenterhooks.  She didn’t know what tenterhooks were exactly but they sounded uncomfortable and she certainly was that.

A few moments later, the door squeaked open and she almost jumped out of her skin.  She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw it was only Mr. Pip.  He lazily looked her over as he sauntered by.

“You started all this.  I hope you realize that,” Amy said.

Mr. Pip swished his tail and gave her a good look at his ass as he left the room by another door.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, same to you,” Amy said.

Isabel stood in the open doorway.  “Who are you talking to?”

“Mr. Pip.”

Isabel looked concerned.  She spoke in a voice Amy had heard people use on crazy or old people.  “Who’s Mr. Pip?  Your imaginary friend?”

“No.  He’s the cat.”

Isabel looked around the room.  When she didn’t see a cat, she smiled and patted Amy on the arm.  “Is he an imaginary cat?”

“Don’t be silly,” Amy said.  “He was here.  And then he wasn’t.”

“Like the Cheshire Cat?”

“For God’s sake,” Amy said, rising and walking toward the door.  “I’m going to get a look at this video.”

Isabel grabbed Amy’s shoulder, stopping her.  “I don’t think you should see it.”

“What is on that thing?  What has he done?  Is it creepy?  Should I be afraid?”  Amy felt frantic and sick to her stomach.  What were they hiding from her?

Isabel took a deep breath.  “He has a lot of pictures of you.”

Amy digested this.  “That’s not so weird.”

“And by a lot, I mean hundreds.”

“Hundreds of pictures of me?”

Isabel nodded.  “Afraid so.”

“My mother doesn’t even have hundreds of pictures of me.”  Amy couldn’t imagine where he’d gotten the photos.  She sucked in her breath.  What if he’d taken pictures of her while she was conked out.  “Please tell they weren’t naked ones.”

“No.”

“Okay, well then it isn’t that bad.  I want to see the video.”

“Sweetie,” Isabel said.  “It’s kind of creepy.  You might want to let it go.  The video is more than enough to convince Jordan that Chad is the stalker and that you weren’t planning to marry him.”

“I want to see it.”  Amy marched into Edison’s lab.  She walked straight up to Edison who sat hunched over the computer keyboard and said, “Show me.”

Edison looked at Isabel.  Isabel nodded, saying, “Show her.”

Edison clicked a few keys and the video feed started.

Amy thought she was prepared to see the video.  She thought she would see an Amy shrine.  Maybe a few photos thumb-tacked to the walls.  Nothing could have prepared her to see every wall, every table, every surface completely papered with her face.  Wallpaper, pillows, throw blankets were all decorated with collages of her smiling face.  It was worse than the Duck Dynasty line of interior decorating.