J Croft - Mr. Darcy Takes the Plunge

“I am Robert Bennet, ma’am.” The little boy bowed and then said, “You have the same name as Caffrin. But we call her Kitty. We have a kitty named Cato. But Papa calls him Bad-Cat! Why are you called Lady Caffrin der Bug? You are not cute as a bug. Why does your skin not fit your face?” 

Once again Robert’s words caused embarrassment amongst the grownups; and those who knew, or knew of, Lady Catherine de Bourgh were frozen in place waiting for an explosion. When the eruption occurred, it was not the sort expected; for the woman threw back her head and howled … with laughter. She thumped her cane, stomped her feet, and thrust her empty glass at Baines so she could repeatedly slap her palm on the chair’s armrest. Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she struggled to catch her breath. But when Darcy, the Colonel, and Mrs. Bennet all rushed to her aide, she waved them away. 

“Mama? What is wrong wiff Lady Caffrin der Bug?” 

“Come along, poppet. Jane, please ring for Alice to take Robert to the nursery.” 

“I will take him, Mama.” Jane scooped up her bewildered brother into her arms. The attention turned back to the esteemed visitor, who was by then snoring softly with her chin resting on her chest. No one noticed the Colonel slip out of the room to follow his fiancée. 

Lieutenant-Colonel Dun chose to take his leave during the lull in conversation, but not before first asking permission from Sir William to call upon his daughter while they were staying in London. His request was granted; Dun promised to visit Miss Lucas the next day, bowed, and said his goodbyes. 

To Darcy it appeared that, had his aunt set out to ridicule herself as much as she could during the afternoon, it would have been impossible for her to play her part with more spirit or finer success. At least the Bennet family was not of the sort to be much distressed by the folly. Mrs. Bennet looked at her mortified future-son-in-law and asked, “What shall we do, Mr. Darcy? Should we awaken her?” 

“I am unsure. I have never before, in my entire life, known my aunt to laugh. I do believe the unaccustomed outburst has quite exhausted her. She is sleeping like a log, so I suggest we just let sleeping logs die … Pardon me! I meant sleeping dogs … er, aunts … um … ” 

They were spared having to make any uncomfortable decision by the arrival of Lady Catherine’s nearest relation in the world. Anne de Bourgh entered the room in company with the man rumoured to be courting her; and after the necessary introductions, the two gently roused the lady, spoke softly, and induced her to drink a potion from the bottle Anne had recently begun to carry in her reticule at her suitor’s insistence. 

Darcy was appalled and intrigued. “Bingley, for God’s sake, what on earth are you doing, man?” 

“I am not doing this for God’s sake, Darcy, but for Anne’s, I mean Miss de Bourgh’s. Her mother, as you are very well aware, can be quite an ogress and has made her daughter’s life miserable at times. I have been all over town these past few days consulting with various physicians, and it has been recommended we give Lady Cat a tonic.” 

The befuddled woman looked up and, in vino veritas, said, “My bear Mr. Ding, how pleashant it ish to shee you again. And you brought my gritty pearl … (ahem) pretty girl with you too.” The woman beckoned her daughter to lean down and whispered, “I re-cog-ni-shize your dozen Carshy; but who are all thesh other people, and where did they come from? It will be nesheshshary to kindly ashk them to leave now, becaush I need to take another nittle lap … (ahem) little nap. Help me up to my chambersh, Annie dear; and remind me to have the drawing room re-decorum-ated. I do not recall it being sho devoid of pretendshush garrishnessh before.” 

Lady Catherine was sound asleep again and softly snoring as several of her own footmen were summoned to gently carry their mistress to the waiting de Bourgh carriage. Anne apologized profusely to both the Bennet and Lucas families for her mother’s non compos mentis and then ordered that Lady Catherine be immediately taken home to Rosings Park and put to bed. Anne then ignored her cousin Darcy’s scowl as he watched from the doorway while she and Bingley entered another carriage and drove off together without a chaperone. 

Darcy scowled yet again when he entered the sitting room. Miss Jane Bennet had returned, and he noticed she was suspiciously wearing a high-necked fichu that had not been part of her frock when she carried her brother upstairs to the nursery. She and Fitz were both peculiarly flushed and somehow managed to give the impression of guilt and smugness concurrently. Consequently Darcy somehow managed to appear both shocked and rather envious at the same time.   

The two fiancés were daily visitors at the Bennet townhouse. The gentlemen regularly arrived before breakfast, were invited to stay for dinner, and remained as late as proper. They agreed to dine with their future in-laws again that particular evening, so Mrs. Bennet hurried off to speak with the housekeeper. Lady Lucas retired to her guest chamber for a rest, and Mr. Bennet challenged Sir William to a battle of wits over the chessboard in the study. Charlotte and the two engaged couples headed for the mews, as the men were interested in seeing Elizabeth’s mare, Gloriana, and her father’s gelding, Zephyr. Charlotte felt like a fifth wheel on a carriage but chose to walk with her best friend and the Colonel.

Darcy tucked Lizzy’s hand into his arm. Dun’s presence had set him on edge, and the visit from Lady Catherine had nearly sent him over it; so he was relieved to be away from the house for a while. “Elizabeth, I am so sorry about my aunt. She is … ” He glanced ahead to the mews that housed the horses of her neighbourhood. “ … unstable.” 

She looked up to catch him smiling down at her and squeezed his arm. “Please do not apologize for something beyond your control, sir. Georgiana and Anna hinted at your poor aunt’s malady, and I just hope Mr. Bingley and Miss de Bourgh can finally get her the help she needs. Lady Catherine will always be welcome in our home … oh, I mean the Bennet home … and I hope in our home as well, Fitzwilliam.” 

“Thank you, my dear. You have not yet seen Aunt Catherine at her worst, but I appreciate your consideration. She can be dreadfully embarrassing, and certain members of our family want her committed to Bedlam. But the dear lady is family; and so, yes, she will always be welcome in our home. I do like the sound of that, Elizabeth … our home; and I grow impatient to make you my wife.” He steered them toward the door and his thoughts away from impropriety. “Are the wedding preparations proceeding well on your side? Mother and my sisters are frantically coordinating arrangements between here and Derbyshire, and I am jealous they will most likely monopolize your time tomorrow night. Fleming has wisely suggested a relaxing stroll at Vauxhall Gardens the evening following the dinner to give everyone a breather from all the planning. Would you like to accompany me?” 

“The preparations are proceeding well; I look forward to being your wife. I will assign you a few minutes of my precious time tomorrow night, and it would be my pleasure to visit the pleasure garden with you. After all, sir, Vauxhall’s pathways are famous for romantic assignations, are they not?” 

The stunned expression on Darcy’s face was well worth her embarrassment at having so brazenly flirted. He stopped short and stood staring down at her in awe. Elizabeth soon became a tad nervous over the ardency of his look. “Well, here we are at the mews, sir. Are you ready to meet Gloriana, ‘The Faerie Queen.’” 

Having read a portion of the incomplete epic allegorical poem by Edmund Spenser about good versus evil, Darcy knew it was actually written in praise of the intelligent and powerful Queen Elizabeth of the Tudor dynasty. Gloriana, as her name would suggest, represented Glory in the mythical ‘Faerieland’ inhabited by Arthurian knights, each representing a virtue: holiness, temperance, chastity, friendship, justice, and courtesy. Although Arthur was supposed to be the embodiment of all those virtues, Darcy considered his own queen, Elizabeth, possessed them in good measure as well. 

The other Gloriana was a sorrel, well over sixteen hands high; and once again, Darcy looked at Lizzy, a woman of just under average height, in astonishment. 

“Do not look so surprised, sir. Even with a mounting block, I still require assistance gaining my seat.” 

“So, you use a block to mount; but how on earth do you get down from Gloriana?” 

“Oh, Fitzwilliam, really. Are you sure you want me to answer such an irresistible question?” 

His brows knit while one of hers arched. Because of the nerve-racking position of that one eyebrow, Darcy rather hesitantly said, “Yes. How do you get down from Gloriana?” 

“One does not get down from Gloriana, sir; one gets down from a duck.” 

Fitzwilliam Darcy was an intelligent man, but he did not appear to comprehend her joke –perhaps because he was an intelligent man. He blankly stared at her. She sighed and said, “Fitzwilliam, did you honestly expect Gloriana to be a mere pony?” 

“She is glorious, Elizabeth … as are you, albeit downright silly as a goose.” 

She playfully swatted his arm. Darcy glanced around for the others, who were at Zephyr’s stall; and although he longed for much more, he only dared put his arm around her and quickly brush his lips against her soft cheek. His deep voice vibrated near her ear. “Lizzy, I want to rain kisses upon you but must keep a tight rein on my desire; you reign over my heart, my faerie queen, and I am your loyal subject.” 

Elizabeth saw the others approach, so she tore her eyes away from the intensity in his. “I have been thinking about The Faerie Queen and the Arthurian legends, Sir Fitzwilliam; and I, your queen Elizabeth, have a challenge for you.” 

“Once again, I am almost afraid to ask. Nonetheless, ask I shall, since it is what my queen desires. What is this challenge?” 

“I challenge you to a duel of punnery.” 

“There is no such word, your majesty. But since you have thrown down the gauntlet, I must pun-derously accept.” Darcy peeled off his kid gloves, flung them to the ground, and silently dared her to do the same. Elizabeth followed suit and boldly stripped off kid gloves as well. The temptation was too great. Her fiancé quickly snatched both her bare hands and kissed them ardently, and repeatedly, while gazing into her fine eyes. 

“Ahem!” Colonel Fitzwilliam suddenly appeared next to Darcy. With arms crossed over his chest, he lectured, “Youn-g-loves, now is not the time, and here is not the place, to dispense with decorum.” 

Lizzy blushed but cried, “Ooh, another contestant! Please join us, Sir Richard. We are about to engage in a battle of puns relating to King Arthur.” 

Darcy whined, “Elizabeth, you did not previously mention the puns had to conform to a certain theme. You most certainly have an unfair advantage, madam. In fact, I now suspect you have come to this tournament equipped with a prepared arsenal of quips.” 

“Are you conceding defeat already, Sir Fitzwilliam?” 

“Upun my word, I am not! Let the pun and games begin.” 

His cousin groaned and opened his mouth to protest. Elizabeth, arms akimbo, said, “Colonel, kindly save your groans for after my opponent’s puns. Following mine, however, laughter will be most welcome and appreciated.” 

When the officer asked how they would determine the winner, Lizzy suggested Charlotte would be an impartial judge. 

“But I want to play too!” 

Jane solved the problem by saying, “I shall not be joining the challenge but will decide the victor. I require a great deal of forethought before forming a pun. I am far too slow.” 

Quick as a wink, her fiancé was beside Jane; and when she looked up at him, Colonel Stud-muffin winked and whispered, “I disagree, love. I happen to know you are rather fast.” 

“Richard!” Jane hissed, “You are incorrigible.” 

“Only because you incorrige me, sweetheart.” 

Elizabeth shook her head and objected, “Jane, there is no way you are going to be impartial where the Colonel is concerned. I believe the only solution is to return home and have our father adjudicate.”