You bore my burdens that hour. Does that make sense? You took my self-loathing and bitterness, my promise to pay back the world, and you pointed them at yourself. I loved you then. Because you saw me. It’s the very instance that I woke up from a blinding, and knew that I was standing face to face with my soulmate. A concept I didn’t believe in until your soul healed mine. The darkness that formerly commanded me yielded to your light. That’s how I understood your tattoos. The ropes that bound me were no longer self-loathing and bitterness. They suddenly became you, but in a good way. I need those ropes to hold me together. I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore because it hurt you.

Oh, God. I’m rambling. I just needed you to know.

Every minute you spent getting to know me, I got to know me. Forgive me for not recognizing our soul-likeness sooner, while we still had time. The nature of love is that it conquers. Hate. Even bitterness. Mostly, it conquers self-loathing. I was sitting in a white room hating myself, until you breathed life back into me. You loved me so much that I started to love myself.

Who would have thought that day that I was running out of the woods, I was running straight into the arms of my savior? Right out of an ugly life that had me conquered. I did not choose you, and you did not choose me. Something else chose for us. The snow covered me, and you covered me, and in that house—in pain, and cold, and hunger—I accepted unconditional love. You are my truth, Isaac, and you set me free.

We are all going to die, but I’m going to die first. In the very last second of my life, I will think of you.


Senna

Acknowledgments

I guess I should start at the beginning. In 2012 Nate Sabin met me for the first time and called me, Mud Vein. After my initial shock receded, I realized that Nate was right; I did have a mud vein. It’s my defining feature. Being that this book is dedicated to his wife, I’ll just go ahead and thank the Sabin’s for being the type of people who inspire me and call me out on my shit.


My dad, who has leukemia and is not afraid of anything. Thanks for the fearless gene. P.s. Sorry I have so many tattoos. I hope I can still go to Heaven.


Cindy Fisher, the best mother in the world. Our mansions will all sit in the shadow of yours.


Stephen King, thank you for teaching me how to write. You’re a goddam genius.


My friend and assistant, Serena Knautz, you are shrewd as a snake and harmless as a dove. You put love into action. I adore you.


Sarah Hansen of Okay Creations, you are a true artist. This is the most beautiful cover I have ever seen. The vision was all you.

Marie Piquette, my editor, I, am, sorry, I, use, so, many, comma’s.

Christine Estevez for always being on my team.


The blogging Jedi: Molly Harper of Tough Critic Book Reviews, Aestas Book Blog, Maryse’s Book Blog, Vilma’s Book Blog, Bec’s of Sinfully Sexy Book Reviews, Madison Says Book Blog and Shh Mom’s Reading Book Blog. Each of you gives blogging a different flavor. I appreciate each one of your voices and the time you take promoting my books. Vilma, that was the most beautiful review I’ve ever read.


I’d also like to thank Madison Seidler, Luisa Hansen, Yvette Huerta, Rebecca Espinoza and my little Nina Gomez for their input and friendship. Jonathan Rodriguez for assuring me every day that I’m a genius (even though I can’t do fractions).


Tosha Khoury, I am so blessed to have you. You get me. You get what I write. I don’t know anyone who believes in my books more than you.

Amy Tannenbaum, my tiny, tough, agent.


My vicious PLN army/gang, I love you! Sundae Coletti, Jennifer Stiltner, Robin Stranahan, Dyann Tufts, Robin Segnitz, Amy Holloway, Krystle Zion, Sandra Cortez, Nelly Martinez de Iraheta, Monica Martinez, Sarah Kaiser, Chelsea Peden McCrory, Dawnita Kiefer, Miranda Howard, Courtney Mazal, Yoss, Kristin McNally, Tre Hathaway, Shelly Ford, Maribel Zamora, Maria Milano, Fizza Hussain, Brooke Higgins, Paula Roper, Joanna Hoffman Dursi, Marivett Villafane, Amy Miller Sayler, and my favorite Kristy Garner. I wish I could list you all.


Since publishing my first book, I have met so many people who made me view the world differently. There is none more rare and precious than Colleen Hoover. She is a light shining in darkness. Thank you for loving Mud Vein, and for recognizing our red thread. You have no heart, and you have the biggest heart.


And finally, to the God who says: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” I live for you, mud vein and all.