Лаура Миллер - My Butterfly

“Hold on,” I said. “What don’t I know?”

I watched her quickly draw a half circle around us with her eyes. Then, she brought her face closer to mine.

“She broke off her engagement,” she whispered near my ear.

My mouth fell open.

“What?” I asked.

She leaned back and simply nodded her head.

A smile tried to push its way to my face, but I quickly hid it as best as I could by throwing my gaze to the ground.

“Why?” I asked her, lifting my eyes again.

Rachel took in a deep breath through her nose.

“I’m not quite sure exactly, except that he just wasn’t ‘the one,’” she said, holding up quotation marks with her fingers.

I thought about it for a moment — let it process — before I lowered my eyes and found the asphalt near my feet again. And within seconds, I felt Rachel’s hand on my shoulder.

“Give her some time, Will,” she said.

I started to smile to myself as Rachel walked away.

There was that time word again. But this time, it didn’t bother me nearly as much.

I watched Rachel get into her car and pull away, and when she was out of sight, I let the sides of my mouth turn up until they couldn’t turn up anymore. So, it would be more than a week and a half before she would know everything now. That thought sobered me up a bit. But now, at least, I had time to get my plan together.

“Time,” I said, under my breath, as I shook my head.

Time seemed as if it were the answer for everything these days.

“You ready, Will?”

The muffled voice hit my ears as if it were asking me if I were ready to go into battle or something. There was a weariness in the tiny recording studio. But it wasn’t coming from the thin man or the thicker, bald man who moved buttons up and down on the other side of the glass window in front of me. And it wasn’t the fact that they were staring at me either. I had somehow gotten used to them over the last couple of years. What I hadn’t gotten used to, though, were the big headphones that swallowed my ears and the weird microphone that threatened to devour my face. They were still strange, but they also weren’t the cause of my anxiousness. No, the anxiousness wasn’t a guest of the present — but of the future, I guessed, as I stepped closer to the mic. It was more like that uneasy feeling of not knowing if you’ve spent the good majority of your life doing the right thing or the wrong thing. It was that feeling of finally having reached the top of that river bluff but then not knowing what to do when you got there.

I nodded my head in the direction of the thin man behind the glass.

“I’m ready,” I said into the mic.

My eyelids slowly fell shut then, and I lowered my head. I had one chance to tell her what I should have told her years ago. In my head, I recited a silent prayer: Lord, get this to her ears. Then, I heard the music, and gradually, the words of her song began to instinctively fall off my lips:

“It’s a summer night

And I can hear the crickets sing

But otherwise, all the world’s asleep

While I can only lie awake and dream

And every time I close my eyes

A butterfly comes to me

It has soft, green eyes

A sweet soul

Brave wings

And each time, it hears me sing:

Where have you been?

I’ve missed you so

Tell me of your travels

Tell me you’ve seen the world

Now, you’ve come back home

Tell me you’ve carried me with you

That you’ve held me close

Tell me you’ve missed me

Or that I’m not crazy for waiting ‘cause

Of all the butterflies that chose to stay,

I’m in love with the one that got away

Then in my dream it turns to me

And that butterfly smiles

And whispers in my ear:

Where have you been?

I’ve missed you so

My wings are tired

For I’ve carried you home

I’ve carried you through the mountains

I’ve carried you over the sea

Everywhere I went

I carried you with me

Then instead of spreading those brave wings

And flyin’ far away again

That butterfly stays near instead

And whispers back to me:

Tell me again what you never said

And I sing again:

Where have you been?

I’ve missed you so

Tell me of your travels

Tell me you’ve seen the world

Now, you’ve come back home

Tell me you’ve carried me with you

That you’ve held me close

Tell me you’ve missed me

Or that I’m not crazy for waiting ‘cause

Of all the butterflies that chose to stay,

I’m in love with the one that got away.”

I sang the last words of the song and then lowered my head. And eventually, the music faded back into my headphones.

“That’ll do it, Will,” a voice hit my ears then. “That’ll make the girls happy.”

An anxious smile slowly found its way to my lips.

“I’m only concerned about one,” I softly said to myself.

“Hey, man, have you seen Rachel?”

“Uh-uh,” Jeff said, before he threw another dart at the wall.

I watched the dart hit a big circle, far from the bull’s-eye. Then, I kept moving.

“Hey, Will, where ya goin’? I’ve gotta tell you something,” Jeff called out, his words trailing behind me.

I ignored him. It couldn’t be as important as what I had to tell Rachel.

The den led off into the living room where Jon was sitting on the couch watching the Cards’ game with a couple of other guys.

“Jon, where’s your fiancé?” I asked.

I watched him try to turn his head, but it looked as if his eyes wouldn’t let him.

“Uh, I think she’s on the front porch.”

I took a quick glance at the score of the game and kept moving again. A room and a screen door later, my feet were planted on a row of old, wooden porch boards — the kind where the color of paint never changed only because you just couldn’t imagine it being a different color. The fan was on high above me. I instantly felt its breeze as I turned my head and spotted Rachel.

“Rach,” I said, marching forward.

Then, suddenly, I stopped when I noticed who was also sitting next to her.

“Jessica,” I said, as I planted my feet.

I knew I must have sounded surprised to see her. I watched her face turn down toward the wooden floorboards before she met my eyes again.

“Hi, Will,” she said.

I hadn’t seen her since our night at the diner.

“I didn’t realize you were here,” I said.

“I came with Jeff,” she said, softly, lifting her eyes only a moment before tossing them to the floorboards again.

“Oh, okay,” I said, moving again.

I pulled out a chair from along the wall and fell into it.

“So, how have you been?” I asked Jessica.

“Good,” she said, almost bashfully.

I smiled and caught Rachel staring at me with a strange smirk on her face. I scrunched my eyebrows together and stared back at her with a puzzled look.

“She came with Jeff,” Rachel said, making sure to drag out the word came as if it were important or something.

I slowly turned my head sideways, giving her a clue that I didn’t know what the hell she was getting at. So. She was always with Jeff. I glanced over at Jessica. Was she in on this game too?

Jessica was smiling, which wasn’t unusual, but there was still something different about her smile.

“I’m, uh, going to go get some more tea,” Jessica said then, rising from her chair. “Rachel, you want some?”

Rachel shook her head.

“No, honey,” Rachel said, laughing under her breath.

I watched Rachel’s eyes follow Jessica as Jessica disappeared behind the screen door. Then, Rachel’s gaze settled into mine.

“Jeff and Jessica are dating now,” she rattled off.

She had said the words so quickly I almost couldn’t process them all at one time.

I sat there for a second as all the gears clicked.

“So, that’s what knucklehead wanted to tell me,” I said out loud, but really to myself.

Rachel nodded her head in slow, exaggerated nods. She was still wearing her devilish grin — that one that Julia had always warned me about.

I sat back in my chair and let my head fall back.

“I don’t know how he did it,” I said again, mainly to myself.

“I know! Crazy, right?” she exclaimed. “I mean, she was crazy about you for so long.”

Her eyes were wide, and she was shaking her head.

“But in the end, Jeff’s really good for her,” she said. “They really fit together better, you know?”

My head leveled back again, and before I knew it, I was staring at Rachel with a side-smile and narrowed eyes.

“Will, you know what I mean,” she said, shoving my arm.

“You need someone with more fight,” she said, as she drew her face closer to mine and used her hand to cover one side of her lips. “I mean, I love Jessica, but let’s face it, that girl wasn’t raised here.”

I tossed my head back again and laughed.

“Jon’s a lucky man, Rachel,” I said, eyeing her again with a smirk still plastered on my face.

She shot me a confident look.

“He knows it,” she said.

I watched Rachel toss her gaze to somewhere off into the distance. Then, I sat up straighter in my chair and cleared my throat.

“Uh, speaking of that, there’s something I need you to do,” I said.

My smile had faded now. A serious expression had replaced it. Rachel returned her attention to me and drew her face even closer. Curiosity surrounded her, and I was pretty sure she was wearing that devilish grin again, but I couldn’t quite tell through the fog of her poker face.

“Only if it involves Julia,” she said.

Her words surprised me. My eyes grew wide, and I tried to force back a guilty grin even as I pressed on.

“Do you think you can get her back to New Milford?” I asked.

“When?” she asked.

She didn’t even bother to ask why, and I chuckled a little at that.

“In two weeks,” I said and then lowered my eyes.

I glanced back up at her seconds later, and her eyes immediately locked onto mine. I almost felt naked, as if she could see right through me or something.

“I think I just kind of assumed that she would just be there,” I went on. “But now, I’m starting to second-guess it. I mean, she just moved across the country, and she’s got a new job, you know? I shouldn’t have assumed she would be there.”

I stopped and drew in a deep breath.

“Rach, I need her there,” I continued.

Rachel’s hand fell to my knee then, and my eyes quickly traveled to her hand.

“Your charity concert?” she asked.

I nodded my head and returned my eyes to hers.

“I’ve already got it covered,” she said, winking back at me and falling back into her chair again.

I cocked my head to the side.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, the first time I told her about it, she put up a fight, as usual, and said she had to work or something crazy like that, but I called her firm last night and sweet-talked her secretary out of some information.”

I felt my eyebrows coming together.

“I met her once — the secretary,” she said, flipping her hand in the air. “It’s okay. She’s a nice girl. Anyway, evidently, Miss Lang took off that Friday for ‘some charity concert up North.’”

She used her fingers to make quotation marks.

“And, honey, I don’t know what changed her mind, but I do know she has a ticket,” she said, mischievously smiling.

She stopped then and started waving her finger.

“You know, come to think of it actually, it just might have been a certain song that persuaded her,” she said, allowing her stare to wander off into the distance again before returning to me.

My heart instantly sped up a few beats per minute.

“She heard it?” I asked.

Rachel smiled and slowly nodded her head.

“Now, we just have to pray that she gets on that plane,” she said.