Лаура Миллер - My Butterfly

“It’s a good cause, Will,” she said.

I sat there frozen for a moment. Did she really believe what she was saying? Or was what she had said only what she had told herself to believe?

I let out a heavy sigh.

Either way, it seems as though it ends the same.

Eventually, I turned toward her and took her hand in mine and gently kissed the back of it. She looked a little thrown off, but she let me hold her hand all the same.

“Julia,” I said, meeting her eyes again, “you have been my world since I first laid eyes on you, and you may not realize it, but I have taken you with me every day in the last decade. Please know that there is not one moment that I stopped loving you. You are the reason for my smiles and my songs. You are my hope and my inspiration. My heart has only beaten for you. I do admit that I had my doubts, none of which involved my love for you. I did worry that you had forgotten me and that you had forgotten what we had, but just being here with you now, it’s proof. It proves to me that you haven’t. I see no change in your eyes, and it’s the most comforting feeling I’ve ever known. Jules, please know that I will love you unceasingly for many lifetimes to come.”

I took a shallow breath and then let it quickly escape before I continued.

“Jules, but no matter what big dreams you’re living or what lucky guy you end up marrying…”

My voice cracked, and I tried hard to swallow the growing lump in my throat.

“Please know that I love you,” I continued. “Even if I have to do it in secret — or in dreams — I’ll love you forever.”

Then, I set her hand gently back down onto her bended knee and slowly slid down the hood of her rented sedan. And when my feet hit the ground, I turned around one, last time.

“I guess I’ll be seeing you in my dreams,” I said.

I tipped my baseball cap toward her. Then, I started to turn but then stopped.

“And, Jules,” I said.

Her eyes darted to mine.

“I believe that there is a perfect someone for everyone, and I know that you still believe that too,” I said. “There is a perfect someone, even if the road to that someone isn’t all that perfect.”

I felt the warm liquid behind my eyes again. It was an all-too-familiar part of our story in the last ten years or so.

Then, I slowly turned and made my way back to my truck. And when I reached its door, I stopped, thought about turning back but didn’t. Instead, I opened the door and slid behind the wheel.

I sat there for a moment, staring into the dashboard, still trying to figure out if my dreams had just slipped away right there on the hood of her car in the middle of this black night. I sat there trying to find the words to say that I hadn’t already said that would make her say that she loved me too. I searched through every moment that I had kept locked away in my chest for the last decade. I searched every piece of us, but I couldn’t seem to find another way to say: Stay with me, Julia. Love me like I love you. Be my world again. Love me.

The turn of the key in the ignition was my head telling my heart it might be over. I couldn’t look at her. I couldn’t say goodbye. If I was going to leave, if I had to leave, at least I was leaving with one, last tiny hope that this wasn’t goodbye.

I slid Lou into gear, made a u-turn over the uneven ground and then felt the tires hit the loose gravel once again.

I pulled back into the makeshift parking lot behind the stage and killed the engine. Then, I forced out a heavy sigh and lowered my head onto the steering wheel and let it rest there.

“Will,” I heard a voice shout out a second later.

I lifted my head to Chris staring at me from the other side of my window.

“They’re lookin’ for you for the radio,” he said.

I took a moment and then nodded my head.

“Okay,” I said.

I sighed and then slowly pulled on the door handle and stepped out onto the soft soil again.

“They’re around the side,” I heard Chris say.

I looked up at him and nodded my head again. Then, I shuffled around the corner of the stage and stopped. In front of me was a van with a radio station logo painted across its body. Its back doors were open, and there was a guy standing right beside one of the doors talking into a tiny mic that was attached to a big set of headphones. He noticed me and waved me over.

I hesitated, then took a deep breath in and then slowly forced it out. And before I knew it, I was being escorted to the van and fit with my own tiny mic and set of big headphones.

“This is 98.7 Wolf Country, and this is Jason David standing here with local heartthrob Will Stephens,” the host said. “Will, tell us what it felt like to sing for the first time in front of your hometown.”

I didn’t say anything at first. Instead, I looked up and caught Matt standing a few yards away twirling his finger in a sideways, circular motion at me. My gaze froze on his moving finger for a second. Then, I quickly forced my attention back to Jason David and cleared my throat.

“Well, it was a pleasure,” I said.

As soon as I had gotten the words out, my eyes lowered and caught the outline of a small box inside my jeans pocket. I took another deep breath and then cleared my throat again and tried my best to force out more words.

“I had my mom and dad and my grandma in the first row,” I said and then stopped.

I looked up and caught Matt’s stare again. Now, he seemed to be nodding me onward.

“And,” I continued, “I looked down one time, and even through the lights, I could see my grandma bustin’ some moves.”

I tried to make the words that came out of my mouth sound happy, though I knew they were soft and unsure as to what happy actually was without her.

“So, that was Grandma down there?” Jason asked. “I thought that was your sister.”

I laughed, and it took me by surprise. I wasn’t sure I would be able to laugh again.

“No, seriously,” I said and then stopped.

My voice was still quiet. I concentrated hard on making it more audible.

“It was great, a real treat for me to be here and to play for all of the people who have supported me to this point,” I said.

“Now, Will, let us not forget what this whole concert is about,” he said. “It’s about raising some support for those victims of the recent floods, right? Tell us a little about that.”

“Yeah, uh, this whole night was for those who have been affected by the flooding,” I said and then took a second before I continued.

“My heart goes out to all those who have lost homes or livelihoods, and I’m just asking everyone, even after tonight, to continue to give to local efforts to support victims and to remember to keep them in their prayers,” I said.

“Well, thanks so much, Will, for coming out and speaking with us tonight,” Jason said. “It’s definitely a great cause to support.”

There was a short pause then, and Jason’s eyes quickly darted toward mine. It caught me off guard.

“I just have one more question,” he said. “You didn’t think you’d get out of this interview without me asking it, did you?”

I nervously chuckled, secretly dreading his question.

“No, I suppose not. Fire away,” I said, eventually.

“Well,” he said, “Will, we’ve never heard that last song, and it was pretty obvious to me that it was about a special girl in your life. Care to tell us about that?”

I sat there, frozen and speechless, while the moments of my life with Julia — both the ones I kept close and the ones I still dreamed of — were awakened again inside my chest and now threatened to erupt. I desperately tried to swallow them back down.

“Well, it was for a special girl,” I finally said. “She was my high school sweetheart.”

“Was she here tonight?” I barely heard him ask.

All of sudden, it felt as if I were in a small tunnel with all my memories buzzing past me instead of in the open, empty field.

“Uh, yes, she was here tonight,” I said.

“Well, where is she now?” he asked.

I let silent moments pass. Honestly, I hoped she was still here, that she had changed her mind, that she had stayed. But what is hope if it’s not fleeting?

“Well, I recon she’s on her way back to South Carolina,” I said.

I knew there was a sadness tightly wrapped around my voice now, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw Matt’s head slowly lower.

“South Carolina, huh?” Jason asked. “So, does this mean you’re still on the market, for all those ladies listening tonight?”

A smile somehow squeezed past my lips.

“I’m pretty sure there wouldn’t be any of those ladies here,” I reassured him. “See, they all knew me in junior high.”

Jason threw his head back and laughed.

“But no, sir, to answer your question,” I continued. “I’m taken, and I have been since I was sixteen or six. It’s all the same,” I confessed into the little mic.

I watched him nod his head.

“Well, all right, if she’s listening now, is there something you’d like to say to her?” he asked.

“I…,” I started and then stopped.

I was fighting back a stampede of emotions. My eyes were locked on my pocket and on the small box holding the life I thought I would have with her.

“I just want her to know that she’s still the same beautiful, after all these years, and that I’m here — always.”

I thanked Jason and pulled the headset from my ears and set it down.

“I’m sorry, man,” Matt said, as he walked over to me and patted my shoulder.

I glanced up at him but then quickly lowered my eyes.

“I just need a minute, Matt,” I said, starting to walk away.

“Sure, buddy,” he said.

I took off for the fence line and made my own path alongside it. It was dark, and there were trees grown up around me, so I felt hidden from the world. I walked until the posts and the wire ran out and the trees stopped. Then, I planted my feet and took a deep breath, breathing in the familiar smell of tall grasses and dirt. I let it fill my lungs, and then I sent it back out into the cool air again.

What was I supposed to do without her?

The sound of metal hitting metal forced my attention back to the stage behind me. I turned but couldn’t see anything from where I stood. I figured they must have started cleaning up.

I sighed and then started my slow hike back to the stage. But this time, I followed the line of grass that had been pressed down by tires. I knew the line led to the makeshift parking lot, so I didn’t even bother to look up as I set one foot in front of the other and tried to think about my last conversation with Jules. I tried really hard to replay it in my head, but somehow, I just couldn’t. Then, I tried to think of what day it was, but I couldn’t think of that either. God, would I even be able to think without her?

I heard something else slam hard against what sounded like a bed of a truck. The loud noise forced my eyes upward again. Then, suddenly, I stopped.

“Julia.”

She turned in the plastic chair and then quickly stood up.

“Wha…,” I started to say.

I swallowed hard and tried again.

“Did you forget something?” I asked.

I wasn’t sure if I had spoken loud enough for her to have heard me or even if I had spoken at all.

She was quiet for a moment, and she didn’t move. Then, I watched as her eyes fell into mine and stayed there.

“Yes,” she said, finally.

My breaths became short, and I tried to swallow again.

“I forgot how much I love you,” she said.

I watched the sides of her lips anxiously turn up. Then, suddenly, I noticed that I couldn’t move, and my heart began a violent pounding against the inside of my chest.

“Could you use a hand?” she asked, taking a quick glance around at the field of plastic chairs before settling her gaze on me again.

I couldn’t take my eyes off her. And I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t speak. This went on for seconds, maybe even minutes. Then, finally, the words came.

“You’re beautiful,” I said.

A faint smile found my broken lips.

“You’re even more beautiful than in dreams,” I said, feeling my smile widen. “Though, I’m still prayin’ like crazy this isn’t one.”