K. Linde - Off the Record

His hand came up and stroked along her jaw. He stared down into her big blue eyes and then his mouth found her lips softly, as if he was testing the water.

Liz stood very still. Her head was spinning as she felt her body betray her by reacting to his kiss. Tingles blossomed in her chest and awakened that old feeling she had kept hidden inside her for two years. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This was Hayden. He wasn’t supposed to be interested in her like that. And now…he was.

“Hayden,” she whispered, pulling back. “I thought you said that we couldn’t because of the newspaper.”

“I changed my mind,” he said.

“Hayden, I…” She trailed off as he kissed her once more.

“Shhhh,” he urged, “just kiss me.”

His hands were holding her face softly, and then when he kissed her again his hesitation was gone. He kissed her as if he had wanted to do it for a long time. He kissed her as if he would never get enough of her. He prodded her mouth open with his tongue and volleyed with her. When he dragged his teeth along her bottom lip, she took a swift breath. His lips were soft and warm and so entirely foreign. Her hands were gripping his shirt and, almost without thinking, drawing him in closer.

Butterflies fluttered in her stomach as the sexual tension between them contracted and then cracked wide open.

Hayden sighed and kissed her lips once more. He moved her arms up around his neck and grabbed her around the waist, holding her in place against him.

“Liz,” Hayden murmured.

“Mmm-hmm?”

“I should have done this a long time ago.”

Liz laughed lightly.

“Not kissing you last semester when I had a chance was a huge mistake,” Hayden said against her lips. “I’m not one to repeat mistakes.”

Guilt washed over Liz as fast as a cyclone cutting through a town.

She let Hayden guide her down the steps and to the street, where he hailed a cab. The whole walk she was in a daze. Part of her knew that she had enjoyed the kiss. She had even on some level wanted Hayden to kiss her. And that thought only made her feel worse. She had appreciated her time with Hayden—the openness, his interest in her career, all of the introductions. It was the complete opposite of Brady, and it gave her a headache, because what she really wanted was Brady to give her all of the things that Hayden had given her this weekend. But just because Brady wasn’t giving her those things didn’t mean that she should have taken them from Hayden.

The cab ride to Hayden’s place was quiet but comfortable. When they made it back, up the flight of stairs, and inside the apartment, Liz quickly retreated to the bedroom to change. She just needed a minute to breathe before saying good night. She didn’t know if she trusted herself to be alone with him much longer. She placed her hands down softly on the bed, closed her eyes, and tried to get the image of Hayden’s lips out of her mind.

Hayden appeared a minute later in the open doorway and knocked twice softly. “Hey.”

Liz turned to face him, her moment broken.

“Hey,” Liz said. He was in more comfortable clothes and his muscular chest stretched the thin cotton shirt. She looked away, not meaning to stare. She took a seat on the bed and stifled a yawn.

“I had a great time tonight.”

“Me too.”

Hayden walked across the room and took the seat next to her. Liz sat very still, not wanting to encourage him. It had been different when they had been on this bed in the middle of the day and she hadn’t thought anything would happen with Hayden. But now, with the feel of his lips still fresh in her mind, she couldn’t help tensing at his nearness.

“I’m glad you came this weekend,” Hayden said.

He reached forward, stroked her hair back behind her ear, and stared into her blue eyes. Liz swallowed when he didn’t move his hand from her face. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something more, but Liz averted her gaze and he dropped his hand.

She looked down at her hands where they lightly gripped the bedspread. No matter what she felt for Hayden, she couldn’t let this continue when she had Brady on her mind. She couldn’t hear his sweet words that would convince her otherwise. She couldn’t taste his lips and allow her mind to get all muddled with the feel of him.

Hayden cleared his throat and stood. “Well, I’ll let you get some sleep.”

He reached forward and grasped her hand lightly in his. Her gaze rose to his automatically, and he stared into her eyes deeply as he placed a soft kiss on her hand. Her heartbeat picked up without warning and her lips parted as the intensity of his affection hit her.

“Good night, Liz,” he said, running his thumb across her knuckles.

“Good…good night,” she whispered.

He smiled down at her once before departing, and Liz released the breath she had been holding.

She liked Hayden. She had liked him for a long time. But she had thought that with Brady consuming her thoughts, her old affections for him wouldn’t resurface so easily. And now that she had these feelings bubbling up inside of her, she was torn. She wanted Brady to give her all the things Hayden had given her here in D.C. No matter what Liz felt about this weekend, she knew that it had opened her eyes to what she was missing with Brady.

The drive back to Chapel Hill felt twice as long as the drive to D.C. Alone in her car, Liz had too much time to think, and her conflicted heart weighed on her. She was having a hard time discerning all of the emotions crashing against her like waves. Half of the drive she felt as if she were drowning.

She didn’t know what she felt for Hayden. She knew she felt something, but what had once been so clear was all blurry.

And on top of everything, laced into every breath, she felt guilt. She felt it take root in her body the longer she drove.

Did I cheat? she wondered, the word tasting like bile in her mouth.

She didn’t know what to do. Brady loved her. He wouldn’t tell her and they couldn’t be public, but he loved her nonetheless. Not to mention he had made his feelings about another guy being near her perfectly clear.

Still, it had felt nice, even right sometimes, to be with Hayden—being out in public, hanging out, laughing, walking around—the list was endless. Those things felt perfectly right in a way that she had never felt with Brady.

Liz pulled up to her house a couple hours later. She was just happy to be home, and maybe here she could figure out what was warring inside her.

Made it safe, she jotted off a text to Hayden.

The response was nearly instantaneous.

Good. Thanks for coming up this weekend. Can’t wait to see you again when school starts.

Liz grumbled under her breath and tossed the phone back into her purse. A couple months ago she would have been jumping up and down for Hayden to respond so enthusiastically toward her, but now…

Well, now she was trying to figure out what to do about Brady Maxwell.

Victoria was lounging on the couch when Liz walked inside. She flipped over onto her stomach and propped her head on her hands.

“Hey, bitch! How was your trip? Did you have sex with your Hayden Lane?” she asked all at once.

“Nice to see you, too,” Liz said, tossing her bag on the floor and collapsing into a chair. “And no, I didn’t have sex with Hayden. I’m not you.”

“Ugh!” Victoria grumbled, flipping back over. “You’re no fun!”

Liz sighed. She wished she could tell Victoria everything that had happened all summer. She didn’t particularly like keeping things from her friend to begin with, but this was huge. This was like the Eiffel Tower of secrets…well, as far as secrets went for Liz.

Brady had taken over her life. He had changed her, and Liz was pretty certain that it was for the better. Their relationship was founded on hiding and secrets, yet at its core, she found only truth. And still it wasn’t enough.

With Hayden, she had the exact opposite. They were completely free to be open, he told all of his friends about her, and he seemed completely attentive. But he wasn’t Brady, and she couldn’t ever tell him about Brady.

Her eyes were suddenly cloudy with tears, because she knew then that in her heart what she really wanted was Brady. It had to be Brady. And yet…he couldn’t give her what she needed.

She could tell him how she felt, but it didn’t feel like enough. He had made it clear from day one that it was the campaign over her. It didn’t seem to matter to him that he loved her. He stood up for her against Heather and Elliott, but just so that he and Liz could keep doing what they were doing. And that wasn’t going to change.

“Vic,” Liz croaked, closing her eyes against the tears.

“What’s wrong?” Victoria asked. Liz opened her eyes to find Victoria kneeling in front of her. “Are you okay?”

She shook her head, wishing she could let it all out. Hiding things was too hard.

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” Victoria brushed Liz’s hair off of her face and rubbed her shoulder.

“I don’t know,” she muttered.

“Come sit on the couch with me,” Victoria said, taking her hand and guiding her to the sofa.

Liz flopped down and pulled her knees up to her chest. She felt ridiculous crying over this. She didn’t like to cry at all, and now she was crying over a guy? Ugh! She wanted to tell herself to get it together, but it wasn’t working. Maybe just today she would let herself feel the pain that she was experiencing over falling for the wrong guy.

“So, tell me,” Victoria said, wrapping an arm across Liz’s shoulders. “What happened?”

“He kissed me,” Liz sputtered out.

Victoria stiffened and Liz glanced up at her. She had an amused expression on her face. “You’re crying because Hayden kissed you?”

“Ugh! No!” she cried, shaking her head. “I can’t even right now, Vic.”

“Liz, come on. Didn’t you want Hayden to kiss you? I’m confused.”

“Yes, I did, but not now! I wanted him to kiss me before. I wanted him to want me then…when it would have mattered!”

Victoria scrunched up her eyebrows in confusion. “You’ve lost me. Why does it matter if it’s then or now? He kissed you. He wants you. I told you so.”

“Because…I’m seeing someone else,” Liz whispered, burying her head in her hands.