“Oh God,” I leaned against the building. “Everything is so messed up, Dad.”

“You want to know what I told him?”

Actually, I really wasn’t sure I did, but I nodded anyway.

“I told him maybe you broke up with him because he’s a jackass.”

I narrowed my eyes. “Eloquent, Dad.”

“What else was I supposed to say?”

“Not that,” I replied, infuriated. “I treated Jake horribly. No matter what you think of him, I shouldn’t have treated him the way I did, and he didn’t deserve that from you.”

Dad shook his head. “He was looking for answers in the wrong place—what did he expect? Only you can tell him why you broke up with him.” It sounded like a question but I ignored it.

Now that I had my Dad talking, I guess we had a more relevant topic to discuss. “You know, I came home this weekend to spend time with you. To try to mend fences.”

He cut me a look and his voice was hard when he replied, “This ain’t the fence you should be trying to mend.”

Shot down on my first attempt?

The unbending disappointment from him finally snapped something inside of me. “Are you perfect, Dad?” I yelled, jerking away from the auto shop’s wall.

“Charley, don’t start—”

“No, really, are you perfect? Can you just deal with anything life throws at you? Can you answer to your mistakes?” I sagged back against the building. “Haven’t you ever been so paralyzed, because you’re terrified whatever move you decide to make is the wrong one and it’ll just make everything worse?”

The quiet in my voice, the question, caused some of the hardness to soften in his eyes.

“You were one of my best friends,” I whispered, trying to hold down the emotion. I didn’t want to cry right now. I didn’t want to be hysterical. I just wanted him to stop hating me. “And now it’s like you can’t even stand to look at me… and I don’t know if I’ve really done anything to deserve that. I’m not perfect, Dad. I make mistakes, and sometimes I don’t know how to fix them. But you shutting me out… I feel alone.” And damn those fucking tears but they pushed forth, spilling down my cheeks. “I’m lonely.”

I heard my dad curse under his breath and the next thing he’d closed the distance between us and I was in his warm, safe, strong arms. He held me tight until my tears reduced to sniffles and then I felt him kiss my hair before leaning back to look down into my face. “Baby girl, I never meant to make you feel that way. I guess I just hold you to a higher standard than most. I ask more from you than I do others.”

I nodded and stepped back, wiping my cheeks. “I want to be the person you can hold to higher standards. I do. But I’ve gotten so stuck and I don’t how to break free.”

He brushed the hair off my face. “You start by taking control of your life, of your actions, Charley. You’ve got a few things to face and you need to take them one at a time. If I’ve been hard on you, it’s because this isn’t the Charley I know. You face things head on. You’re only going to start feeling better about yourself if you start dealing with everything. First thing…” He rubbed my shoulder in comfort. “Andie.”

I gave him a nod in agreement, sinking back against him for another hug, but in truth, my gut was churning. Facing that… I just didn’t know if I’d ever be ready.

10

Edinburgh March 2013


When Dad left Edinburgh, he hadn’t changed his mind about Jake or my decision to become a cop. One great day of doing touristy stuff together and one seriously awkward and painful dinner with Jake later, Dad got on a plane back to the States. He told me he loved me and that he was glad I was okay. However, he also told me he would maybe take me more seriously if I were mature enough to pick up the phone and apologize to my sister.

I hated that I hadn’t spoken to Andie in weeks. I hated that right now she was pissed off and that she didn’t like me very much. I hated it even more that I didn’t like her very much right now. More than anything, I hated that she wasn’t there to talk to when I needed her the most. But I still didn’t feel like I was in the wrong. Stubbornly, I refused to call her, which meant my whole family was still pretty upset with me.

And Jake…

I was hurting him. I still hadn’t said I love you and each time he said it without a return, it looked like he was taking a bullet. Along with the hurt, I was beginning to sense his growing impatience. Because the truth was we both knew how I felt about him. I should’ve just said it out loud. I didn’t know why I couldn’t. It seemed my stubbornness extended from my dealings with my family to how I was handling Jake.

For some reason I believed Jake would patiently wait for my head to sort itself out.

Jake had another idea in mind.

It was a Thursday, just after midnight, and I’d just finished a paper. I was stepping out of the bathroom when I heard a key turn in the apartment door.

Surprised, I watched as Jake stalked down the quiet, dark hallway toward me.

The determination in his eyes made me gape at him wordlessly as he pushed past me and stalked into my room. “We need to talk.”

I hurried inside after him, shutting the door behind us as he spun around to face me. “About what?”

His answer was to close in on me quickly, his hands braced on the door on either side of my head so I was trapped. My heart accelerated, goosebumps prickling all over me at his proximity. “I’m done fucking around,” he said, his words almost dancing on my lips our mouths were so close. “I’ve had time to think. I made a mistake.” He pressed his body into mine and grinned triumphantly at the way my breath stuttered. I would’ve punched him for his arrogance if I weren’t completely turned on. “My mistake has been my patience. Now I’m done. I should’ve tied you to your bed until your stubborn ass was ready to admit it.” Jake brushed a kiss across my jaw and I shivered. “You love me,” he whispered hoarsely in my ear, before pulling back to watch my reaction.

I was surprised. Uncertain. Maybe scared.

But I also wanted him.

I always wanted him.

“I know you love me,” Jake persisted. “I need you to admit it so we can put all this shit behind us and start over.”

I felt a surge of annoyance at him taking the situation out of my hands. “Bossy Jake is back, I see.”

“He never left. He’s just been walking on eggshells for the past few months, scared of losing you.”

“You… scared? Puhlease,” I teased, trying to shift onto easier ground as a last-ditch effort to pull back from the destination he was forcing me toward.

“Will you stop jerking around and tell me you love me?” he growled back.

“You can’t push me to say it!”

“Why are you being such a prima donna? I know you feel it.”

“You don’t know that!” I yelled, pressing my hands to his chest again, trying to move him away.

Jake stood his ground. “I guess…” He rested all his weight into my hands, until they were flattened between his chest and mine. Our noses touched. “I guess I’ll just have to fuck it out of you. I’m okay with that.”

Holy… “Ja—” My protest was silenced by his mouth.

He groaned as I instantly melted for him. I couldn’t help myself. I was exhausted fighting what I felt, and I no longer knew why I was fighting.

Giving in tasted sweeter.

His kiss was hard, punishing almost, but I gave as good as I got. I ran my fingers roughly through his hair, pressing my body close to his. He wrapped his arms around me, tightening his hold until there was no space at all between us.

He slid his hand down my back, his fingers slipping inside my panties. He gripped my bare ass in his hand, pulling me into his erection. I gasped into his mouth and followed his lead, holding onto him as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He lifted me easily, seeming to relish my heated response.

He pulled back from our kiss. “Tell me you love me,” he whispered, his eyes searing.

I blinked through a haze of lust, my fingers tightening in his hair as my gaze searched his. “You don’t play fair,” I muttered.

“I learned from the best.”

Giving him a small smile, I trembled at the sound of the blood whooshing in my ears. “I’m scared, Jake.”

Jake took a few steps until he found the bed. He slowly lowered himself onto it, taking me with so I straddled him. He stroked my back in comfort. “Baby, I’m scared too. But I’m more scared of fucking this up because we can’t get over the past.”

He watched me struggle with my decision and I could see the mounting anxiety in his eyes. Knowing the time for stubbornness was over, I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against his. “You have to promise you won’t walk out on me again. Ever.”

His hold on my hips tightened. “I promise.”

Hearing the absolution of his vow, I leaned back to stare into his face. Tenderness, need, want, affection, adoration… it all moved through me. Gently, I caressed his jaw, my fingers coasting, drawing faint patterns in his skin. When my eyes met his again, everything I felt flooded out of me and I watched him suck in his breath.

“I’ve never stopped loving you,” I told him quietly. “When I saw you at the party last semester… it hurt, Jake. I’ve never been so hurt.”

“Baby—”

“I need you to know this because I’m deciding to trust you again.”

He nodded, waiting.

“I will never love anyone the way I love you. You’re part of me. You make me feel like I can be anyone, do anything… but you also have the ability to make me feel weak. You have the ability to crush me like no one else can. I don’t like that part of myself, Jake, and I hate that you can do that to me.”

His breathing sounded a little uneven as he whispered back, “You make me feel the same way.”

Leaning close, my lips an inch from his, my eyes blazing, I uttered darkly, “Good. I need to know that we’re on equal footing here.”

In answer Jake caught my lips with his, drawing me into a deep, drugging kiss. He pulled back, jerking down the zipper on his jeans as he told me in a voice thick with need, “We love each other so we can hurt each other, but I’m making a promise,” he tugged down my panties and I lifted myself up to help, “to do everything I can not to hurt you again. I want that promise from you.”

I settled back over him, my uneven breathing seeming to spur him on, making him hotter and harder as his dick brushed between my legs. I bit back a moan, nodding. “I promise,” I whimpered. “Jake, I promise. I love you.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, appearing to savor it. “Say it again.”

My breath whispered across his ear. “I love you, Jacob Caplin.”

And just like that, his control snapped. He gripped me by the nape, holding me still for his rough, desperate kiss. With his other hand, he guided himself to my entrance. He then took hold of my hip and thrust up into my wet, tight heat. We gasped into each other’s mouths, our sexual chemistry, chemistry we’d never had and would never find with anyone else, overwhelming us.

“I love you” fell freely from our mouths as we held onto one another, chasing the high of finally coming together, in every way we could.

* * *

“So this is why I woke up to an empty bed and a cryptic note?” Jake’s tall figure cast a shadow over me.

I smiled up at him from the picnic blanket. “I thought we should take the day away from everything. You’re not missing anything too important in class, are you?”

He shook his head, an amused grin on his lips.

“Well, sit down, then.” I patted the blanket and Jake slowly lowered himself onto it. His eyes drifted over the items on the blanket and widened with recognition. I was warmed all the way through from his laughter.

“Peanut butter sandwiches, cookies, chips, and two bottles of water.” His dark eyes twinkled. “Just like our first date.”

“Yup. Unfortunately, we’re missing Hendrix, but I thought the view more than made up for it.”

We were on Arthur’s Seat, the peak of a group of hills east of Edinburgh Castle. It was popular with hill walkers and such. I was hoping to find it quiet on a Friday morning, and I had. I should’ve been exhausted after last night.

But I wasn’t.

I woke up next to Jake, excited about the future for the first time in a really long time, and I wanted the future to start today. I left a note telling him to meet me on Arthur’s Seat at eleven thirty. I then put together our first-date meal and hiked up before him to prepare.