Alexa Hoffman - Outcome

Since Dr. Torres had joined my staff, our work load had nearly tripled. She was intelligent and observant, and we usually never even realized that thirteen hours had passed. Samantha’s fiancé wasn’t happy with me very often. Work was my life. Perhaps Erin should fit into that somewhere. I was so confused with that.

After all the time we’d been together, I just couldn’t take that extra step. Couldn’t allow her to be completely in my life, but erected barricades for her to attempt to breach, knowing full well that the more of my wall she managed to crumble, the higher I built it.

With a sigh, I grabbed a comb and began to work on the tangles in my hair. I had a dinner date to keep.

* * *

"So, does it smell good in here?" I laid my jacket across the back of Erin’s couch, and followed her into the kitchen.

"Sure does. I’m starving." I leaned against the counter, arms crossed over my chest as I watched her work.

"Want me to do anything?" I pushed off, and walked over to the table, set for two, replete with candles, and a bottle of wine. I picked it up to read the label.

"You can pour that if you want. The food’s just about done."

"You got it."

"Oh, and push play on the remote, will you?" I saw the remote to the stereo sitting on the computer desk, and grabbed it, pushed the green button. As I worked with the corkscrew, I stopped, glancing over my shoulder at the stereo.

"I know how much you love Linda Eder," I heard whispered in my ear from behind me, arms snaking around my waist. "And, you seem to play this song a lot."

"I know. ‘Unusual Way’."

"That’s right." She kissed my earlobe.

"The song is just, I don’t know," I thought for a moment, trying to place why.

"Well, it is beautiful." Erin turned me around in her embrace, her eyes closed as she inhaled my skin. "You smell so good." I listened to the words of the song,

In a very unusual way, one time I needed you.

In a very unusual way, you were my friend.

Maybe it lasted a day, maybe it lasted an hour.

But somehow it will never end.

In a very unusual way, I think I’m in love with you,

In a very unusual way, I want to cry.

Something inside me goes weak, something inside me surrenders.

You’re the reason why, you’re the reason why

I closed my eyes, a pang of sadness shooting through me, though I couldn’t place it no matter how hard I tried.

"Andi?" My eyes slowly opened at the soft voice, low with concern. I saw the dark eyes looking into my own, the face so close. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

"Yeah. I’m fine. Why?" I tried to shake myself out of it, utterly confused.

"You just, well, you look like you’re about to cry or something."

"Yeah, I don’t think so." I stepped out of her embrace, taking a deep breath before putting on a smile. "Come on, woman. Where’s this food you promised me?" She looked at me for a moment, her eyes staring into mine, then turned and headed back into the kitchen.

I grabbed the remote, and forwarded the CD to the next song.

"Sit." Erin began to bring dishes out of the kitchen, loading the table up with incredible smelling food. I grabbed the wine bottle, pouring each of us a glass, then sat.

"This looks and smells wonderful, Erin." She smiled at me.

"Thanks, sweetie. Well, dig in!"

I piled my plate high with the incredible smelling salmon, asparagus and baby potatoes.

"I don’t know what I’d do without your cooking, Erin." I closed my eyes as I savored my first bite of fish.

"Learn to cook yourself?" She smiled at me, then began to eat. Erin prattled on about her day, and her mother coming to visit from Arizona in August, and about the latest patient that had been checked into her unit at work, I watched her speak, watched her fingers as they gripped her fork, or the knife as she cut into the meat, the way they wrapped so delicately around the stem of her wine glass. Her lips, just short of being completely full, but soft all the same. Eyes, dark and mischievous, yet caring and full of love and kind words for those that she cared about.

All those great qualities that Erin possessed, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to truly let her in, to give what I had. Hell, I’m not so sure I even had it to give. So, perhaps it wasn’t Erin at all. It was me.

I’d been in three relationships since coming out during my second year of college, and had had several more lovers, but not one of those women were able to get inside.

Coming out, that was a time that I’d like to forget, but never will be able to. I remember standing in my mom’s kitchen, knowing I needed to tell her. At that point in my life, honesty was no longer an issue. I had been leaning against the counter, staring down at my hands, trying to find the right words.

"Honey, what is it?" my mom had asked, handing me a cup of decaf. I looked at her, taking a deep breath.

"Mom, I think I have something to tell you."

"More surprises, huh?" She smiled, I smiled back.

"Yeah, I guess so. I’ve had something on my mind since, well, for awhile now." I ran my hands through my hair nervously. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and my eyes found their way to her gaze.

"Honey, no matter what it is, I’ll always love you. You know that, right?" I nodded, feeling my throat begin to choke up. God, I hated this. Always so damn emotional now.

"Mom, I think I may be gay." My eyes began to sting, the tears close to the surface. I forced myself to look at my mom, I needed to see her acceptance. She looked surprised for a moment, then a slow smile spread across her face, as she nodded.

"I wondered. I mean, other than Scott, you just never really seemed interested." I swallowed my emotion back as I nodded, with a weak grin.

"Yeah." I felt horrible, like I was disappointing her. "I’m sorry."

"Honey," arms surrounded me in a tight hug. "Oh, honey. Don’t you dare apologize for who you are. I won’t lie to you in that I’ve always wanted to help you plan your wedding, pick out a dress and all that, but Andrea," she placed a hand on either side of her face, making me look into her eyes. "I couldn’t be more proud of you. No matter what you or Chris decided to do, I’d be proud. If you chose to become a ditch digger, and that made you happy, as long as you were the best ditch digger you could possibly be, I’d be proud to be your mom."

The tears began to fall in earnest as I clung to my mother.

"Honey? Andi?"

"What?" I shook my head, trying to get the past out of my head. "Sorry. Got lost in thought."

"I guess so. Are you ready for dessert?" A slow smile spread across my face.

"Bring it on." She tossed her napkin aside, and headed back to the kitchen to grab the chocolate mousse that I had been waiting for all night.

"So what do you have going this weekend?" she asked, carrying two chilled dishes.

"Kendall."

"Oh. Didn’t you guys get together a few weeks ago?" She handed me a spoon.

"Thanks. Yeah, but she has a science fair coming up, and wants some help. So. We’re going to make a weekend of it."

"It’s really great, this whole mentor program thing you’ve got going."

"Thanks." I smiled, and dipped my spoon into the dessert.

* * *

I pulled up in front of the Torrini house, and cut the engine. It was such a nice, peaceful town, Pelican View. I always liked that. Plus, it wasn’t too far from either Rochester, where I lived now, or Winston, so I could visit mom either before or after I picked up Kendall. I opened the door, and stepped out onto the sidewalk, made my way to the front door.

Waiting patiently for the doorbell to be answered, and turned to look at the houses across the street, lawns turning green as summer marched closer and closer, flowers beginning to bloom.

"Andi. Hello." I turned to see Melanie Torrini standing in the open doorway. "How are you, dear?"

"I’m doing well. And yourself?"

"Oh, just fine, just fine. I read about you in the paper last week. We’re so proud of you." She reached out and squeezed my hand. "Kendall! Andi’s here for you."

"Thank you, Melanie. I really appreciate that." She smiled at me again.

"Kendall will be here in a moment. I need to get back to my muffins. I think they’re about to burn." She hurried toward the kitchen, and I heard footsteps pounding on the floor above me as Kendall ran toward the stairs. A smile automatically came to my lips, and I took a deep breath.

"Hi, Andi!"

"Hey, you." I smiled as the girl ran down the stairs. I was almost afraid she’d tumble down the rest of the way. She was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt with a daisy on the front, her dark hair back in a braid. Her eyes always amazed me – so bright and intelligent. "You ready?"

"Yup. Got my stuff right here." She patted the backpack she carried, smiling up at me.

"Okay, let’s go."

Kendall got herself belted up in the front seat of my Jeep, and turned to smile at me.

"So, how’s school?" I pulled onto the street, and got us headed back to Rochester.

"It’s good. I’m glad it’s almost over, though."

"Have any plans for the summer?" I turned onto the highway, headed home.

"Not really. My mom and dad are talking about going on vacation somewhere, but I don’t know where."

"Why not? Aren’t you going?"

"Well, of course!" She put her hands on her narrow hips. "I’m too little to stay home alone." I grinned, nodding.

"Too true."

"They just don’t know where we’re going, yet."

"Oh, I see." In my work I’m always around adults, serious types who don’t have the time or inclination toward messing around, or fun, really. But being around this little girl, so young and vibrant and innocent, always brought me back to a much simpler time. Kendall made me feel almost light, again.

* * *

"Any reaction, yet?" I shook my head, staring intently into the microscope. "Damn. I really thought we’d see something by now." I stood with a sigh.

"Me, too." I looked at my colleague. "Well, I guess we head back to square one." Samantha nodded.

"Win some, lose some, eh, Dr. Littman?" Running my hands through my hair, I nodded, doing my best to hide the disappointment.

"I really thought we had it this time."

"What went wrong?" Dr. Torres walked over to the microscope and looked in at the slide.

"I don’t know. I guess the cells just didn’t separate like we thought they would. I think the temperatures weren’t right; too cold, maybe. Let’s try again."

"Well, Dr. Littman, why don’t we-"

"Try it again, Dr. Torres. I know this will work." I headed toward the rat cages, looking for Mickey, the rat that had originally been tested on for our newest mix. I rolled my eyes when I heard the office phone ring. Damnit. I had work to do, and didn’t have time for this. "Dr. Littman." I stood by my desk, hand on my hip as I waited impatiently for the caller to talk.

"Hey, Andi."

"Hello, Erin. What’s up? I’m busy."

"Well, well, it’s the all-important Andrea Littman." I could hear the hurt in her voice.

"I’m sorry. What’s up?"

"There’s a patient up in critical who wants to speak with you." My brows narrowed.

"Me? Why me? Where’s the patient’s doctor?"

"Don’t know. She wants to speak with the research staff, and who better to talk with. Her name is, oh hell, I don’t remember. It begins with an h, I think. She’s in room 301."

"Okay. I’ll get up to her when I can."

"Thanks, babe." I smiled.

"Sure. Catch you later."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone, glanced at Samantha.

"Dr. Torres, I have to run upstairs for a few. Think you can handle this on your own?" My colleague turned to me, nodding.

"Certainly."

I grabbed my lab coat from the hook on the back of my office door, and headed out of the lab.

As I walked the halls of the Clinic, my mind raced. I was not good with this sort of thing, thus my going into research as opposed to bedside medicine. I had no idea what to say to this woman, nor really how to say it. Chances were if she was already in critical, there wasn’t much I could say to bring her comfort.

I sighed, pushing the button for the elevator, tapping my toe on the tile as I waited. When I had gone to school it had never been a thought which way I’d go; practice or research. I didn’t have that magic touch that a doctor needed to make her patients feel comfortable or safe. I had the knowledge, knew the ways to diagnose and treat, but had always had that one, fundamental part missing that would make me a great doctor. And that was basic people skills.