Devon Hartford - Painless

“Oh yeah. That guy was like the cyclops from legend or some shit. If I remember correctly, he only had one eye. Didn’t that guy have a pirate eye patch?” I chuckled.

“No! He only had one eye, in the center of his forehead!” Samantha squealed with laughter. “Can you imagine a cyclops with a pirate eye patch? He’d be blind and running around in circles!”

“I hear pirate cyclops only ever wear ear patches,” I quipped.

“Ear patches?” Samantha laughed.

“Christos?” a voice asked from behind me.

I turned to face whoever it was. What a surprise. “Hey, Kamiko. What up?”

“What?” Sam asked on the phone.

Kamiko wore an SDU sweatshirt, sweatpants, and her hair in a sexy knot at the back of her head. A book bag was slung over her shoulder. She looked at me curiously, “What are you doing up here?”

“Enjoying the view,” I said casually, flashing a dimpled grin at her.

“Are you talking to Kamiko?” Samantha asked.

“Yeah,” I said to the phone.

Kamiko asked, “I’m sorry, are you on the phone? I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“No worries,” I said to Kamiko. To Samantha, I said, “Hey, can you hold on a second?”

I suddenly remembered Samantha telling me about what happened with her and Kamiko when they went to visit Brandon at Charboneau Gallery to show him Kamiko’s work. Poor Kamiko. From the sound of the story, Brandon had been a many-quilled prickupine. I sensed an opportunity to work some of my magic. Helping other people always put me in a good mood.

“How come you’re up so late?” I asked Kamiko.

“I was studying O Chem with my friend. We just finished.”

“Are you going back to your room?”

“Yeah,” she said.

“You want me to walk you?”

“Sure,” she smiled.

“Cool. Let me tell my buddy I’ll call him back.” To Samantha I said, “Hey, I’m gonna walk my friend to her dorm room. Can I call you back later, bro?”

“Christos,” Samantha said in my ear, “tell Kamiko I’m sorry about what happened with Brandon.”

“Yeah, totally,” I said to Samantha, “as soon as I get a new wet suit, we’ll totally carve some waves. Later, bro.”

“Christos!” Samantha chirped in my ear. “Wait! Don’t hang up!”

I hung up my phone and smiled at Kamiko. We walked toward the elevators across the hall from the balcony.

When the elevator door opened, I motioned with my arm, “After you.”

“Thank you,” Kamiko grinned and stepped inside.

After the elevator ride, I walked Kamiko along the dark pathway between Nyyhmy and Paiute Hall.

“How’s the painting coming along?” I asked. “You still working on submissions for Brandon’s Contemporary Artists Show?”

She stuck her tongue out and groaned. “Ugh. I don’t even want to hear that name. Brandumb is so meh.”

I arched an eyebrow. “Brandumb?”

“Yeah,” she shivered. “Just saying it makes me want to gag.”

We stopped in front of the double doors to Paiute while Kamiko dug her keys out of her bag.

I raised an eyebrow. “What happened to you being the gung ho painting ninja?”

She brightened. “Oh, I’m still totally the painting ninja.” She suddenly spun around and snapped a back kick at me, stopping her foot two inches from my chest.

“Look out! Ninja alert,” I chuckled. “Did you study martial arts at some point?”

“Yeah, I studied shotokan when I was in grade school. It was the only way I could stop my brothers from beating me up,” She grinned. “They called me the Kamiko Kid.”

“What, like the Karate Kid? Your brothers called you that?”

“Yup. But I didn’t study with Mr. Miyagi. The guy who trained me was Mexican.” She lowered her leg and pivoted forward, punching me in the stomach.

I tightened my abs automatically. Her tiny hand met solid muscle.

“Ow!” She yelped.

“Don’t be messing with the man of steel,” I joked. I could tell she wasn’t trying to hit me very hard, but she had put some power behind it. “Nice right hand. Much better than your Karate Kid reference,” I quipped.

She wrinkled her nose. “Do I have to crane kick you in the chin, mister? Because I will.”

I towered over her. “You’re going to need an airlift.”

“Fine! I’ll go for your shins.” She snapped a kick at my shins but I hopped back, out of range. “Let that be a lesson,” she warned.

“Easy, Bruce Lee. I apologize.” I smiled at her.

“Don’t try to be cute,” she grinned.

“Hey, I’m using the only defense I have left before you beat my ass.” I winked at her. “But seriously, are you still working on any paintings?”

“Hells yeah! Even if Brandumb is a total jerk, I’m going to get one of my paintings into his stupid Contemporary Artists Show, just to show him I can.”

I nodded approvingly at her. “I take it you’re over him?”

“Screw him,” Kamiko snarled. “I’m too good for that stupid snake charmer! I refuse to live my life as a mopey dick-whipped chick any longer. I am woman! Hear me paint!” She stomped her foot for effect.

I grinned and chuckled, “I’ll tell Brandon to run the other way when he sees you coming or you’ll go Hunger Games on his ass.”

“That’s a great idea! I totally need to carry a bow and arrow!”

“Next time I see him, I’ll pin a bull’s eye to his ass so you’ll have something to aim at.”

“Who are you going to pin a bull’s eye on?” Samantha asked, walking around the corner toward me and Kamiko.

I flashed a conspiratorial grin at Samantha.

Kamiko frowned, looking between the two of us. “Hey! You guys tricked me!” She leered at me, both her eyes turned up to full stink. “That was Sam on the phone earlier, wasn’t it, Christos?” she asked in an accusatory tone.

“Maybe,” I smiled coyly.

SAMANTHA

“We trapped you, Kamiko,” I said, a big smile on my face. “Now you have to listen to my apology. For the millionth time.”

Kamiko folded her arms across her chest. “No, I refuse.” She scowled at Christos. “Traitor. Now I can’t trust either of you guys.”

Christos chuckled.

Oddly, all of my fears about Christos evaporated the moment I’d seen him chatting with Kamiko. Whatever I’d been worried about seemed crazy now. Christos looked like he was in a good mood. Regular old Christos. Why had I been so worried?

“Do you guys need a moment alone?” Christos asked. “For some naughty girl time?”

“Do you want to watch?” I blurted. “We charge admission. A hundred bucks a head for front row seats.”

Christos pulled his wallet out and held up a bunch of twenties. “I’ve got cash to spare, ladies. Where’s the nearest mud-filled kiddie pool?”

I giggled, “I’m game if you are, Kamiko.”

“Mud wrestling?” Kamiko shook her head at me, “You’re as bad as he is.” She glanced between me and Christos. “Okay, no fair you guys, ambushing me like this.”

“I’m sorry, Kamiko,” I said. “That day at Charboneau was all a big misunderstanding. Brandsome—”

“Dumb,” Christos interjected.

“What?” I asked, confused.

“Brandumb,” Kamiko said, examining her fingernails.

I smiled, “That sounds about right. He’s too dumb to see a good thing when it’s staring right at him.”

“He’s a total fuck bucket,” Kamiko grumbled.

Christos and I both chuckled.

“I can corroborate that,” Christos grinned. “I have personally caught Brandon fucking buckets on more than one occasion, when he thought no one was around.”

“Did you take photos?” I asked. “Because if you did, maybe we can blackmail Brandumb into accepting Kamiko’s work into the Contemporary Artists Show.”

“I don’t need to blackmail that art fart!” Kamiko said confidently. “I’m going to paint something so awesome, he’s going to offer me oral favors just to get my painting into his stupid show.”

Confused, I asked dumbly, “Do you mean he’ll give you a Lifesaver or a Mentos or whatever?”

Kamiko frowned, “Huh?”

“Didn’t you just say you wanted Brandumb to give you oral flavors?” I asked.

Kamiko arched an eyebrow, “Flavors?”

Christos erupted with laughter.

Kamiko chuckled and shook her head, “You have finally lived up to your blondness, Sam. All that time you spent at the beach with Mads has broiled your brain. You might want to think twice before you quit your job at Grab-n-Dash.”

I think that was the first time Kamiko had smiled at me in weeks. “Does that mean you accept my apology?” I asked hopefully.

“If you insist…” she sighed.

“I insist.” I reached out to give her a big hug.

“…and give me five dollars,” she finished, her palm held out expectantly. Her brows knit into a menacing frown and one of her eyes narrowed suspiciously.

“What?” I scoffed. “I’m so not paying for your forgiveness!”

“Why not? It goes for ten times that on the open market. I declare a guilt glare!” She lunged her face toward me threateningly.

I took a step away from her. “Get your guilt glare away from me! It’s heinous! Where’d you learn how to make that face anyway?” I circled behind Christos.

Kamiko followed. “From my mom. She’s a master at it. It always worked for her. I think she did it so I had to give back all of my allowance.”

Confused, I paused my circumnavigation around Christos. “Wait, are you saying whenever you did something bad at home, your mom made you pay her?”

“Yeah,” Kamiko said uncertainly, looking between me and Christos, “isn’t that what your parents did?”

“Uhh…” I stammered.

Christos shrugged.

“Fine,” Kamiko said dismissively, “my mom is weird and my allowance was nothing more than a cruel ruse designed to humiliate. But you still have to pay up.” She jammed her expectant palm at me again and tightened the screws on her super powered guilt glare. It was disturbingly effective. She followed me around Christos.

I circled cautiously backward.

Kamiko was in hot pursuit. “Now it’s ten dollars. You feel bad because my mother robbed me of my rightful childhood income. Think of all the dishes and vacuuming I did. For free.”

“Guilt, guilt, guilt,” Christos chanted.

“Not helping,” I singsonged.

“Is Kamiko guilting you?” Romeo asked, suddenly standing behind me.

We all turned to look at him. He looked like he’d just come back from being out all night. He wore his fanciest black steampunk greatcoat. It had at least two hundred studs and buttons. Buckled black boots poked out from the bottom of the coat. His trademarked monocle was squinched into place.

“She won’t quit until she gets paid,” Romeo said, nodding toward Kamiko. “You’ll have nightmares about that face of hers until you pay up. She’s taken me for at least two grand since the start of high school.”

Kamiko smiled smugly. “He’s right.” She was still creeping toward me.

I couldn’t look at her guilt glare any longer. I dug a ten spot out of my purse and slapped it on her palm. “Make it go away!”

Kamiko’s horrid expression relaxed into a pleasant grin. “Thank you, Sam. You’re so kind.”

“You can’t be mad at me anymore,” I insisted.

Romeo snickered.

“What?” I said.

“Kamiko’s been playing you for over a week,” Romeo said. “I talked her down from her Sam hating ledge over fish tacos last Tuesday. I convinced her that boy Brandumb was bing bong in the ding dong if he couldn’t see how hot she is.”

I leveled an accusatory look at smiling, innocent Kamiko. She was no saint. She was the devil. It was time to flip the guilt trip. I turned up my own guilt glare to full power.

“What?” she said defensively. “I’ve been busy working on new paintings for Brandumb’s show. I didn’t have time to tell you.”

It was my turn to frown. “Not good enough.”

“My mom robbed me of my childhood earnings?” she said uncertainly. “Making me nothing more than an indentured servant?”

I shook my head and intensified my frown.

Kamiko screwed her face back into a glare and wiggled her wrinkled nose at me. “You can’t guilt glare me! I studied with the master!”

I grabbed for the ten dollar bill in her hand and growled, “Gimme my money back, con artist!” She danced away and jammed the money into her book bag.

“Fine. Keep it.” I rolled my eyes. “So, Romeo, what are you doing out so late?”

“Me?!” Romeo blurted. “What the hell are you guys doing out so late? Wait! I know! You missed me! You couldn’t get enough Romeo into your day, so you waited until you could bask in more of my awesome sauce!”