“Josh says your lawyer wants to appeal it, all the way to the Supreme Court.”

“Yeah?” She looked cynical and angry. “He's full of shit. He doesn't have a chance of winning. The fact is that I'm a cripple and I'm single. They probably don't even care if I'm single, but I'm a cripple. That's enough. Prostitutes and drug addicts make better mothers than cripples, or didn't you know?”

“The hell they do.” He almost snarled it.

“Well, that's what the judge decided.”

“The judge sucks.” She suddenly laughed at the outrageous comment and then realized that she smelled beer on his breath. She frowned as she looked at the young redhead.

“You drunk, Jeff?”

He looked embarrassed and blushed again but he shook his head. “I just drank two beers. It takes more than that.”

“How come?”

“It just does. I usually don't get tight till five or six.”

“No.” She laughed at him. “I mean how come you drank the two?” She didn't like the men to drink around the kids and Jeff knew it, but she knew from the darkness outside that it was after hours.

“It's New Year's Eve, Sam.”

“It is?” She looked surprised and then counted backward… the hearing had been on the twenty-eighth, the verdict on the twenty-ninth, that had been two days ago. “Oh, shit. So it is. And you're going out partying?” She smiled gently at him.

“Yeah. I'm goin' over to the Bat Three. Did I ever tell you I used to work there?”

“No, but you seem to have worked on every damn ranch in the West.”

“I forgot to tell you about that one.”

“Are you taking a date?”

“Mary Jo.” This time he turned fire-engine red.

“Josh's girl?” She looked amused and he grinned at her.

“Yeah.”

“What did Josh have to say to that?”

“That he'd kick my ass if I got her drunk. But hell, she's almost nineteen. She's legal.”

“I'd watch out though, if I were you. If Josh said he'd kick your ass, he means it.” And then her face grew sober again. “How is he?”

“Worried about you.” Jeff's voice was gentle in the quiet room. “We all are, the ones who know. Your lawyer was here yesterday.”

“I figured he would be. To pick up Timmie's things?” Jeff hesitated and then nodded. “Did he get all his Christmas stuff?” She began to cry again. “I want him to have all of it.”

“He has it, Sam.” And then, not knowing what else to do for her, he took her in his arms and held her, and she lay her head against him and cried. He wanted to tell her then that he loved her, but he was afraid to. He had loved her the first time he saw her, with that incredible pale gold hair. But she was nine years older than he was and she never acted like she was interested in any man. He wondered sometimes if she could still do it, but he didn't even care, he just wanted to hold her and tell her he loved her one day. They lay like that for a long time, and then the tears stopped.

“Thank you.” She looked at him for a long, quiet time, stirred by his strength and his youthful beauty. “You'd better get out of here now or you'll end up spending New Year's Eve with me instead of Mary Jo.”

“You know something?” His voice was deep and sexy. “I'd like that.”

“You would, would you?” Her eyes were teasing but she could see that his were not. But she didn't think what she was suddenly feeling was what Jeff needed. He didn't need an older woman, and a cripple yet, on his hands. He was young. He had his whole life in front of him, filled with girls like Mary Jo. But she was suddenly so desperately lonely that she wanted to reach out to him, and before she did something foolish, she wanted him to go. “Okay, kiddo, go celebrate New Year's Eve in style.” She sat up in her bed and tried a smile.

“And you, Sam?”

“I'm going to take a hot bath, make myself something to eat, and come back to bed. I guess maybe tomorrow I'm going to have to come out of my hole and face the world.”

“I'm glad to hear it. For a while there you had me scared.”

“I'm tough, I guess, Jeff. Time does that to you.” Time, and heartbreaks, and loss.

“Does it? It sure makes you beautiful too.”

“Go on, Jeff.” She looked worried. “It's time for you to go”

“I don't want to leave you, Sam. I want to stay here.”

But she shook her head as she looked at him, took his hand, held it to her cheek, and then kissed the fingertips gently as she let it go. “You can't stay, Jeff.”

“Why not?”

“I won't let you.”

“You don't believe in ranchers and ranch hands mixing?” He bridled like a young stallion and she smiled.

“No, nothing like that, love. It's just that my life is behind me now and yours isn't. You don't need something like this.”

“You're crazy. Do you know how long I've wanted you?”

She put a finger to his lips. “I don't want you to tell me. It's New Year's Eve, people say things they shouldn't on nights like this. I want us to be friends for a long time, Jeff. Please don't spoil it.” And then, with tears in her eyes again, “I need you right now. You and Josh, and the children, but especially you and Josh. Don't do anything to change that. I just… I couldn't take it… I need you too much.” He held her once again then, kissed the top of her head, and then stood up and looked down at her.

“I'll stay if you want me to, Sam.”

She looked up into the brilliant green eyes and shook her head. “No, babe, it's okay. You go.” He nodded slowly then and stood looking at her for one last moment in the doorway, and then she heard his cowboy boots echo in the hallway and the front door close.

39

“Sam?… Sam?” It was six o'clock in the morning on New Year's Day and she was dressed and in her kitchen, making coffee for the first time in three days, when she heard Josh pounding on the door. She smiled to herself. One by one they would all break her door down if she didn't come out now. She still felt the terrible emptiness of Timmie's loss, but she knew that she couldn't let herself go. She owed more than that to the other kids. Slowly she wheeled her chair to the front door and opened it, looking out into the gray light before dawn as Josh stood in his heavy jacket on the front porch.