J. Huss - PANIC

We haven’t gotten that far yet, so I’m not sure what that means other than not what we’re doing now.

“Here,” Ford says, handing me a water and my partially unwrapped burrito. I take it and dig in. “We’ll find something to take its place when we get up north. Don’t worry.”

“Hmm,” I say with my mouth full. “I don’t see what, Ford. That place is in the middle of nowhere. And winter is coming.”

He smiles at the film reference. “Snowshoeing. Cross-country skiing. Extreme croquet.”

I spit out some eggs as I laugh. “What. The. Fuck. Is. That?”

“It’s croquet, but not.” He sighs. “It’s all relative, I guess.”

“Sounds like my kind of game, actually. It’s for stoners, isn’t it? Like Frisbee?”

Ford laughs. “Maybe. We can skip the extreme croquet then. I’ll figure something out. How’s school coming?”

School. I’m in school. Sometimes I have to pinch myself, that’s how excited this makes me. Ford, ever the stealthy hacker genius that he is, rigged my mandatory placement test for the community college up in FoCo and got me registered for fall semester. It’s all online, so it’s not really life-changing like if I was living on campus at Colorado State, which is the big FoCo university, but I’m stoked. I’m taking basic shit. English composition, History of Western Civ, biology, and pre-algebra.

Yes, I’m a total math loser, but what can you do? One baby step at a time.

“How’s math, in particular?” Ford asks, like he’s reading my mind. “I know you hated that I put you in a non-credit class, but it was the right decision, wasn’t it?”

“Yes,” I reluctantly admit. “I’m barely keeping up to be honest. It’s confusing for me. I’m not a math girl.”

“Well, luckily you need very little of it for film school, so don’t dwell. Just do your best.”

Ford is very supportive of my academic pursuits. Very supportive. It makes me wonder sometimes. It’s not like Ronin isn’t supportive, he is. He wants me to follow my dream. But Ford is supportive in a different way. Like he’s invested in it or something. Like his success is dependent on mine. And that gets me thinking back to what he said a few months ago. About how patient he is. About him giving me the tools I need to fix my life, so I’ll stop looking for Ronin to do that for me. He wants me to be strong all on my own. Not need anyone.

I like that about Ford. It’s like he trusts me. Like he’s got faith in me.

It makes me have faith in myself.

“How come you don’t have a girlfriend, Ford?”

“What makes you think I don’t?”

“Oh,” I reply, embarrassed. “Do you?”

He looks away. “I have… women.” He looks back, smiling. “But they’re not girlfriends.”

I’m not even sure what to say to that, so of course I choose something totally inappropriate. “Are they… whores?”

He laughs. “No comment.” And then he takes a big bite of his burrito and shuts that conversation down.

“Clare’s coming home tomorrow.” I’m not sure why I fill in the silence with that tidbit of information—

“You’re nervous about meeting her.”

—but apparently Ford has a pretty good handle on my psyche these days. “Yeah. I still think about what you said, you know.”

He shrugs. “I’m not going to say any more about it. Ronin’s your boyfriend, you like each other. That’s all that matters.”

I stare at him for a few more seconds and let this sink in. “Good, that means you’ve lost interest in me and all that shit you said last summer about wanting me to leave Ronin is over.”

He laughs. “We’re friends, right? I’m happy with how things are going between us. It’s perfect actually.”

Hmmm. That’s weird. In fact, I’m weird right now. I shouldn’t be asking him this stuff but I can’t help myself. “Because you’re… what? Emotionally incapable of intimate relationships? This friendship is as far as you go? There’s nothing after this but the physical act of sex?”

“Yes, yes, and yes. You missed your calling. You should’ve been a psych major.”

“I cheat. Ronin told me about… well, he told me why he was so insistent on me not talking to you.”

“And do you agree with my diagnosis?”

“Not really,” I say, shaking my head. “You’re a bit on the strange side—”

He laughs again, his eyes darting around the stadium, like he’s thinking about this.

“—and I’m guessing you really are some scary smart genius. I totally see that. But you’ve done a lot of very nice things for me, Ford. And I never asked for it. I’m not always nice back to you, but I hope you know I really, really appreciate it.”

He drops the smile now and stares hard just past my head, like he’s thinking. I hold my breath as I wait for him to say something and when he finally begins to talk, it’s soft and low. “We fucked Mardee up pretty good. We were all tight—Mardee, Ronin, Spencer, and me. A sort of unit. Even though Ronin and I never got along well, it was different when the four of us were together. It was… just different. And you stunned me last summer when you asked me that question, Rook. I didn’t know what to say.”

“What question?”

“Who was I chasing.” He lets out a long breath. “Her. I’m chasing her. I’m trying to catch up with all the mistakes we made. It’s funny how you take people for granted.” He looks me in the eye for this part. “We took her for granted. We used her, we…”

I wait him out, patient, like he is with me.

He takes a drink and swallows hard before continuing. “Ronin blames himself for not paying attention to her, and Spencer blames himself for bringing her around the drugs, but we all played a part. You two really have nothing in common, but every time I look at you, I see her. And it just…” He stops to shake his head. “I just want you to succeed so badly. It feels good to watch you grow stronger.”

I’m not sure what to say. I knew this Mardee girl weighed on Ronin’s conscience, but it seems to go much deeper than that. There’s a lot more to this story than they’ve told me, but Ford was right about something else he told me last summer. I’m a keeper. A secret-keeper, just like they are. And I’m not sure I want to keep their secrets as well as mine. I’m not sure I can handle that right now.

So if these guys do have more secrets, they can keep them. I’m totally OK with that and I take my chance to change the subject before I learn something I might not want to know. “I am getting better, though. And you’re helping me. All three of you are helping me, actually. You with the running and school, Ronin with trust and relationships, and Spencer with the jobs. I’m so lucky to have you guys.”

“I’m enjoying you too, Rook. You’ve taught me a few things as well.”

I choke down a snort. “Like what?”

He begins to talk, but stops the words at the last second. His gaze sweeps across the baseball field below, then rests back on me. “Emotions have been… very difficult for me. It’s true what Ronin said. I wouldn’t say I have none, or that I’m incapable like my father thought. It’s not that I don’t or can’t feel things like that. It’s that I don’t want to. I just don’t care about people.” He throws up his hands. “That’s my dirtiest secret and now you have it. I just don’t give a fuck about people, I really don’t.”

I can’t help myself because these personal conversations with Ford are not common, so I ask. “Did you care about Mardee?”

“I did,” he says with a sigh.

“And she preferred Ronin?”

He’s the one who almost snorts this time. “Don’t they all?” He looks over at me. “Don’t you all prefer Ronin?”

I rest my elbows back on the concrete step behind me and then stretch my legs out. “You’re a nice-looking guy, Ford. So is Spencer. I’m not sure one could actually choose between the three of you. You’re all good catches. Equally desirable in different ways.”

He screws up his face. “How is Spencer desirable? I have never understood what girls see in him.”

I laugh. “Well, he’s like a big fun-loving goof-ball, but powerful and dangerous at the same time. He’s the bad boy girls fall in lust with and don’t mind taking orders from.”

“And Ronin?”

“Ronin’s just hot.” I grin over at him. “He’s the player all the girls want to settle down with. But he’s nice too. If Spence is the bad boy, then Ronin is the good guy. The knight in shining armor, like you said.”

“And me?”

I don’t look at him this time, but I can feel his stare like it’s heat. Waiting. “You’re… predictable.”

He belts out a laugh. “Well, I appreciate the ego stroke, Rook. Thank you.” He gets up and starts to walk down the stairs.

“I wasn’t finished.”

He stops but keeps his back to me.

“Not predictable as in boring or repetitive, but predictable as in safe. Even though I’m always adjusting when I’m with you, reevaluating things about myself and… you. You’re like an open book, Ford. What you see is what you get. So I’m not sure why your father thought that about you, I’m not really qualified to think too hard about it and make a better observation. But I’ll just say this. The reason I like you is because you’re honest. I know what I’m getting with you even though you keep me guessing. Because I always know that when you give me something, it will be good and you’re only thinking of what’s best for me. Ronin and Spencer are not better-looking than you, that’s for sure. You guys are just desirable in different ways.”

He turns around and smiles. “Good to know. Ready?”

I shrug because I can see through his act now—he avoids talking about himself in personal ways most of the time. He’ll tell me all about his college days, his jobs, professional things like that. But he hides from the emotional stuff, the things that cause him to feel too much. Not everything, mind you—he opens up every once in a while—but that open book has closed for today and I know this is his signal that talking is over.

I’m OK with that because I, too, am patient. 

There are a ton of girls milling around the building because Ronin is having an open casting call for the GIDGET models. I’m actually relieved I’m not GIDGET. Not that there’s just one, he needs like a dozen of them, I think. But I’m so over modeling, it’s not even funny. I can think of hundreds of jobs I’d rather do right off the top of my head. Like rodeo clown. I’d rather be a target for a raging bull than be a model.

The girls are here early to line up and they wind around the corner and spill over into the back lot. They are all dressed up, full make-up, heels, and they look cold. I’m still warm from my morning exercise, but I can feel the chill in the air. And just looking at their shoes makes my toes sad. I’m so glad I’m the new parts girl for Shrike Bikes. I get to wear jeans, and hoodies, and sneakers.

I totally got the better end of the deal.

Ford and I walk towards the parking lot as per usual and he gets annoyed at a girl who is standing too close to his vehicle. He always parks in the same spot in the back of the lot, just off to the left of the back door. He just got a new car—well, I’d never really call it new, but last week was the first time I’ve seen it. He used to drive a sporty little black Beamer but then he showed up with this… thing. “I liked the old car, Ford.”

He’s just about to open the door when this comes out and he stops to look back at me. “Really? Why?”

I crack a smile and so does he. “It suits you. This circa 1986 Bronco is just all kinds of wrong.”

“I needed a truck for winter. I still have the BMW, I just parked it in my mom’s garage.”

“You have a mom?” I laugh as the words come out.

“You thought I was a demon spawned from hell?”

I nod and laugh again. “I might buy a car. I’m gonna get something totally inappropriate for winter. Like a VW bus.”

“Or a convertible. I could totally see you in a Roadster.”

We both stop for a second. I’m sure the irony isn’t lost to the armchair psychologist in him. I just compared myself to a beaten-up old has-been and he compared me to a classic beauty. I smile. “Yeah, I love those. But I’ll probably end up with a truck too. It seems that’s the vehicle of choice around here.”

Ford nods in agreement. “What time are you and Ronin driving up tomorrow?”

“Well, I think Clare is supposed to get here tomorrow around noon, so we should make FoCo early evening, maybe? I’m not sure.”

“OK, see you then.” He turns back to his hideous truck and I notice that there are a lot of girls in the back parking lot now. They’re all staring at Ford and me. I make my escape to the back door, punch in my code, and then take the stairs up to the fourth floor.