J. Huss - PANIC

I take a seat and he follows, leaning forward in his chair as I lean back. He rests his elbows on his knees and steeples his fingers under his chin.

And waits.

“What?” I ask. “What are you doing, Ford? Don’t get weird with me, please.” I look nervously up at the camera.

“It’s not on yet, Rook.”

“Well, turn it on and let’s go.”

“I’m making you nervous?”

“You know you are. Why didn’t you tell me about this? What are you gonna tell Ronin? I thought we were friends.”

“There’s nothing to tell Ronin. What could I possibly tell him that he doesn’t already know?”

“Know? He knows you told me you were trying to make me not need him? So you could, I dunno, swoop in and claim me as your pet, like that woman out there with the collar? Did you tell him that?”

“Do you want to be my pet?” he asks seriously.

“No!” I scoff. “No! I’m not in the least bit interested in becoming your fucking sex slave!”

He goes silent again, watching me as the grin creeps up his face.

I shudder. “I’m counting to five and then I’m leaving. One—”

He stands and moves toward me, his leg brushing against my dress as he reaches behind me to flip the camera on. The heat of his touch makes me dizzy for a moment. He steps back and then turns on the camera behind him before taking his seat. “Did you enjoy being Spencer’s canvas, Rook?”

“Yes,” I say truthfully.

Ford leans back and retrieves a clipboard on the small table next to him. “What did you enjoy about it? Oh, and talk in complete sentences, so the audience understands the question without having to hear me ask it.”

“Well, I had a good time working with Spencer. It was a little weird at first because I had to model with him, and that was… confusing because I was just starting to date Ronin. But once that part was over and Ronin was my partner, everything went real well.”

“Why did Ronin make it better?”

I squint my eyes at him but hold my tongue. I refuse to let him bait me on camera. I refuse to allow him to get ratings because I’m uncomfortable. In fact, I think it’s my turn to make him uncomfortable. “Everything was better with Ronin because he knows my body. He’s got a very personal relationship with it. So having him touch me and position me and kiss me for the photo shoots was easy. It felt good and I didn’t have to worry about making him jealous.”

“Did the shoots with Billy and Spencer feel good?”

I walked right into that, didn’t I? “The photo shoots with Billy and Spencer were erotic, that’s for sure, but not like they are with Ronin.”

“And what did you think of our running routine?”

“I loved it, to be honest.” Ford smiles and my heart rate increases when I realize Ronin will see that smile on TV next spring. “Running with you every morning was—well, I wouldn’t call it fun, but I would call it helpful. I liked getting up early, and believe me, that was a huge change for me. But I like the feel of dawn. When things are just getting ready to stir and life is still on pause from the night before.”

Ford stares at me for a second, a look of contemplation on his face. “That’s a very poetic way to put it.” Then he chuckles and moves on. “Tell me more about the shoots and the painting, Rook. And then you can be finished with the camera work. Just say whatever you want, I’ll have it edited down.”

“OK.” I swallow, a little relieved at that. “Well, Spencer is incredible. His talent is beyond words. My favorite painting was the tattoo woman because he painted all his tattoos on me just like they were on him. And his own body art is exceptional. I’ve never seen tattoos planned out like that, it’s not just a front piece or a sleeve, it’s a whole upper-body piece. The birds—oh my God, even if my name wasn’t Rook, I would fall in love with them. And the final painting at Sturgis was like the greatest gift I could ever ask for. I told him that this was the best summer of my life, and I wasn’t kidding. I learned a lot about myself this summer.” I stop and smile because he’s smiling now.

“What else made you happy, Rook?”

“Modeling with Ronin in costume,” I say, blushing. “He was that sexy Elvis and wow. And actually, Billy was a pretty hot cowboy, too.” I shrug. “I loved it. I probably shouldn’t have loved it, I should probably be embarrassed about what I did for money, about having Spencer paint up my body like that, not to mention the photographs and the rally show. But I’m not embarrassed about it. I’ll never forget this summer. I’ll never regret being Spencer’s canvas, and I’ll never regret becoming a model for Antoine Chaput.”

Ford stands up and turns the cameras off again and then sits back down.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it for the questions I want on film. But I have a few more for you, Rook.”

I gulp some air. “Ford, let’s not, OK? Let’s just leave it here.”

“No,” he says firmly. “I have a few questions for you and since the Biker Channel wants me to have two roles in the full season I want to get this out in the open.”

“What two roles?”

“Well, I’m still producer, but they want me interacting with you guys like I did in the pilot. So I’m a character now as well.”

“Oh.” I’m pretty sure this is bad for me. And I’m also pretty sure Ronin does not know this yet.

“So my first question is, why did you run with me all summer? Was it because you loved the exercise or because you did it with me? And no lies, Rook, I’m not interested in lies.”

“Ford, please. Please don’t ruin this for me. I love Ronin, I like you too, and I’m not sure what those feelings are, but I love Ronin. Don’t mess it up.”

“Why would I go out of my way to make you happy only to do something later to cause you pain?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know. You’re playing with me, you’re messing with my head, you’re—”

“I’m not, Rook. I’m not playing with you at all. Every intention is sincere, I promise.”

“But I’m seeing Ronin, I can’t—”

“I can’t either. Do you know why I brought that woman here tonight?”

I swear my heart stops for a moment. “Why?”

“Because I wanted you to see me and maybe accept me for who I really am. I’m not a good guy, Rook. I’m not even close to a good guy. I want you to succeed, I want you to be happy, and that happiness will never come from me. I just want you to know that what I am doing, these little things—like reading to you, the exercise, bringing you breakfast, talking—it’s the only way I know how to care.”

A lump starts forming in my throat, my face goes hot, and I can feel tears. Actual tears starting to form. I have to breathe deeply for several seconds to shut down my body’s visceral reaction to his words.

“And,” he continues, “I want you to know that I care about you. I care enough about you to leave this conversation here in this apartment when you walk out that door and go back to Ronin. I want you to make your dreams come true and I’ll do whatever it takes to help you. That is the only way I know to express… love. But I will never kiss you.”

I look up and meet his gaze.

“I will never do anything physical to ruin what you have with Ronin. I would just like you to talk to me. Be honest when I ask for it, trust me, and be my friend. Is that too much?”

A little laugh comes out at Ford’s question. “Of course not. I’d love to be your friend, Ford.”

He pulls his hands back and smiles. “Good. Then we’re done here. Just send Ronin in, I won’t keep him long.”

“I thought you wanted me to talk about Clare?”

“Why would I make you do that?” He grins and that chin dimple appears. “Why would I make you talk about her? On this night, of all nights? I only want you to be happy, Rook. If I had information you needed to know about anything, especially about Ronin being a lying, cheating piece of shit, believe me, I’d just tell you straight up. He’s not, by the way. Ronin is a pretty straight shooter despite being the most convincing liar I’ve ever come across. I am not playing games with your feelings, I’m not trying to trap you and force you to interact with me or fuck up your relationship. I want you to want to be my friend. I want you to want to trust me, and come to me for help. I have no desire to corner you into doing anything. I just want to be the safe guy, like you said this morning. The person who will point you in the right direction and you can feel comfortable taking my advice.”

“A friend.”

“Yes. A friend.”

I let out a deep breath. I can actually picture myself doing all those things with Ford. I like Ford. And if I don’t have to worry about him making a move on me, I like him even more. “Thanks, Ford. I’m not sure why you’re so interested in helping me, but… I’m glad you are.”

“So we’re straight with this now? No more weirdness?”

I nod. “OK, yeah. We’re good.”

“Great. Happy birthday, Rook. Next year we’ll finally get to take you out in public and celebrate like grownups.”

“Asshole.”

But I laugh on my way out.

Yup, Ford is one weird dude. I’m just glad he’s on my side. 

I close the door behind me as Ford pulls the blackout curtains across the front window of Rook’s old garden apartment. “We’re gonna throw in here, or what?”

Ford glares at me under his slanted brows. “I’d win that fight.”

“Riiiight. Rook came out happy, what’d you say to her?”

He takes a seat on the couch and beckons me to the chair across the coffee table. I follow suit and ease down into the overstuffed chair.

“I told her I consider her a friend and if she needs anything, she’s welcome to come to me for assistance.”

“Uh-huh. That’s all?”

“You don’t trust her?”

“I don’t trust you, Ford. I see the flashes of insanity inside your brain that pass as ideas and I’m worried that you’ve decided to make Rook your next victim.”

He folds his hands in his lap and leans back a little more, giving off an air of being totally comfortable in this setting. “I’ll be truthful, Ronin. I like her. A lot. Maybe more than any person ever. I’m not sure why, maybe because she’s unavailable, maybe because she refuses to put up with my shit, maybe because she listens to me when I give her advice. I’m not sure, but it hardly matters why. The fact is, I like her and she likes me.”

I start to say something but he puts a hand up to stop my words.

“I think we both know what that sick fuck was doing with her. And if you’re still delusional I’ll spell it out for you. I recognize her behavior. She hides it pretty well, but she’s quite easy to control once you know her triggers. I manipulated her all summer when we went running. They were all unconscious reactions, of course, and if I pointed it out to her, she backtracked and did everything in her power to prove she wasn’t under my control. She was something to Jon, but a girlfriend wasn’t one of them. Not from his point of view, anyway. What really happened?” He lets out a long sigh. “Well, we won’t know that until she’s ready to tell us. And that might be never, that might be tomorrow. We just can’t know.”

I have to swallow to keep my dinner from coming back up. I guessed this too, but Ford is seriously involved in that shit, I’m not. BDSM is just a game to me, it’s something I play at. To Ford, it’s a lifestyle. And if he says Rook displays all the characteristics, then I’m gonna have to defer to his expertise. I feel it to be true anyway.

“She will never admit this to you because she has yet to admit it to herself.”

I lean back in the chair and rub my temple a bit. My head fucking hurts.

“She needs serious help. She needs a lot of time. And she needs a lot of freedom. I know she likes you, maybe even loves you, but if you keep her too close she’ll fall back into the same patterns. And do you really want to get her by default?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to make the shooting pain go away.

“She’s running blind right now. She wants to do something, anything to erase what she was. So to prove to herself that she’s not the same girl who put up with that life for three years, she’s ready to jump on just about every opportunity that comes her way.”

“I’m not breaking up with her.”

Silence.

I lift my head and look over at Ford. “I’m not gonna do that. I’ll back off, I’ll give her space, I’ll support her decisions, but I’m not breaking up with her.”