And then it was suddenly over. A guard called something on Luke’s side of the glass wall, and another guard told them they’d had it on the visitors’ side. She felt Alejandro’s hand on her arm, and Lucas stood up.

“That’s it, Mama. I’ll write.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” The entire world seemed to stop with those words. It was as though he placed them one by one in her heart via his eyes. He said them, and held her close with a look, and then gently he put down the phone. Her eyes never left him as he walked back through the door, and this time he looked back, with a jaunty grin and a wave. She answered with a wave and her most valiant smile. And then he was gone.

The guard who had stood behind them now took them aside and showed them the way to the separate elevator. A cab had been called and was already waiting in the garage. There were no reporters in sight. In a moment, they were in the cab and speeding from the building and Luke. They were alone again, Alejandro and Kezia, and now she had nothing to look forward to. The visit was over. And his words rang in her ears, as his image filled her mind’s eye. She wanted to be alone just then, with the dreams of the recent and distant past. The still new aquamarine sparkled on her trembling hand as she lit a cigarette and fought for control.

“He wants us to go back to New York.” She spoke to Alejandro without looking at him and her voice sounded hoarse.

“I know.” He had expected a fight. It surprised him to hear her say it so bluntly. “Are you up to the trip?” It would be best if she was, to just get the hell out and let her pick up the pieces at home, and not at the Ritz.

“I’m fine. I think there’s a plane at four. Let’s catch it.”

“We’ll have to run like the devil.” He looked at his watch, and she discreetly blew her nose.

“I think we can make it.” Her voice kept him a thousand miles away, and it was the last time they spoke until they boarded the plane.


Chapter 29


The voice on the phone had grown familiar and dear.

“I’m hungry. Any chance that you’ll feed me?” It was Alejandro. They had been back in New York for a week. A week of constant calls from him, unexpected visits, small bunches of flowers, problems he supposedly needed her help to resolve, ruses and excuses and tenderness.

“I suppose I might drum up some tuna surprise.”

“That’s what they eat on Park Avenue? Shit, I eat better uptown. But the company’s not as good there. Besides, I’ve got a problem.”

“Another one? Bullshit. Honest, love, I’m okay. You don’t have to come down here again.”

“What if I want to?”

“Then I shall rejoice at the pleasure of seeing you.” She smiled into the phone.

“So formal. And serving tuna surprise yet. Any news from Luke?”

“Yep. Two great big fat letters. And a visiting form for me to fill out. Hallelujah! Fifteen more days and then I can visit.”

“Keep your shirt on. Did he say anything else? Or just a lot of corny shit I don’t want to hear?”

“Lots of that. And he also said he was in a four-by-nine cell with another guy. Sounds cozy, doesn’t it?”

“Very. Any other good news?” He didn’t like the sound of her voice when she told him. Bitterness had begun to replace grief.

“Nothing much otherwise. He said to send you his love.”

“I owe him a letter. I’ll do it this week. And what did you do today? Write anything sexy?”

She laughed at the thought. “Yeah, I wrote a very sexy book review for the Washington Post.”

“Fantastic. You can read it to me when I get there.”

He arrived two hours later, with a small plant and a bag of hot chestnuts.

“How are things at the center? Mmm … yummy … have another one.” She was shelling the hot nuts in her lap in front of the fire.

“The center’s not bad. It’s been worse.” But not much. He didn’t want to tell her that now. The way things were going, he’d be gone in a month, maybe two. But she’d had enough of her own changes recently, without having to listen to his.

“So what’s this alleged problem you want to discuss with me?”

“Problem? Oh! That problem!”

“Liar … but you’re a sweet liar. And a good friend.”

“All right. I’ll confess. I just wanted an excuse to see you.” He hung his head like a kid.

“Flattery, dear Alejandro … I adore it” She grinned up at him and tossed him another chestnut. He watched her as she leaned her back against a chair, warming her feet by the fire. There was a smile on her lips. But the spark had gone dead in her eyes. Daily, she was looking worse. She had lost a lot of weight, she was deathly pale, and her hands still shook almost constantly. Not a lot, but enough. He didn’t like it. He didn’t like it at all.

“How long has it been since you’ve been out, Kezia?”

“Out of what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, asshole. You know what I mean. Out of this house. Outdoors. In the fresh air.” He eyed her directly, but she avoided his gaze.

“Oh that. Actually, not for a while.”

“How long is a while? Three days? A week?”

“I don’t know, a couple of days, I guess. Mainly, I’ve been worried about being swarmed by the press.”

“Bullshit. You told me three days ago that they didn’t call anymore, and they haven’t been hanging around the building. The story is dead, Kezia, and you know it So what’s keeping you home?”

“Lethargy. Fatigue. Fear.”

“Fear of what?”

“I haven’t figured that out yet.”

“Look, babe, a lot of things have changed for you, and very brutally and suddenly at that. But you have to get back to doing something with yourself. Go out, see people, get some air. Hell, go shopping if that’s what turns you on, but don’t lock yourself up in here. You’re beginning to turn green.”

“How terribly chic.” But she had gotton the point.

“Want to go for a walk now?”

She didn’t, but she knew that she ought to. “Okay.”

They wandered toward the park in silence, holding hands, and she kept her eyes down. They were almost at the zoo before she spoke.

“Alejandro, what am I going to do?”

“About what?” He knew, but he wanted to hear it from her.

“My life.”

“Give yourself time to adjust. Then figure it out. It’s still much too fresh. In a sense, you’re in shock.”

“That’s what it feels like. Like I’m wandering around in a daze. I forget to eat, I forget if the mail has come, I can’t remember what day of the week it is. I start to work, and then my mind wanders and I look up and it’s two hours later and I haven’t finished the sentence I was typing. It’s crazy. I feel like one of those little old ladies who burrow into their houses, and someone has to keep reminding them to put the other stocking on, and to finish their soup.”

“You’re not that bad yet. You cleaned up those chestnuts pretty quick.”

“No. But I’m getting there, Alejandro. I just feel so vague … and so lost….”

“All you can do is be good to yourself, and wait till you feel more yourself.”

“Yeah, and in the meantime I look at his stuff in the closet. I lie in bed, and wait to hear his key in the door, and I kid myself that he’s in Chicago and he’ll be back in the morning. It’s driving me goddamn nuts.”

“No wonder. Look, babe, he’s not dead.”

“No. But he’s gone. And I’ve come to rely on him so much. In thirty years, or ten adult ones anyway, I’ve never relied on a man. But with Luke, I let myself go, I tore down all the walls. I leaned all over him, and now … I feel like I’m going to fall over.”

“Now?” He tried to tease her a little.

“Oh shut up.”

“All right, seriously. The fact is that he’s gone and you’re not. You’re going to have to pick up your life. Sooner or later.”

She nodded again, dug her hands deeper into her pockets, and they walked on. They had reached the horse carriages at the Plaza before she looked up.

“It must be quite a hotel,” Alejandro said. In a way, it reminded him of the Fairmont.

“Haven’t you ever been in it? Just for a look?” She was surprised when he shook his head.

“Nope. No reason to. This isn’t exactly my part of town.” She smiled at him and slipped her hand through his arm.

“Come on, let’s go in.”

“I’m not wearing a tie.” The idea made him nervous.

“And I look like a slob. But they know me. They’ll let us in.”

“I bet they will.” He laughed at her, and they marched up the steps to the Plaza, looking as though they had decided to buy the place on a lark.

They walked past the powdered dowagers eating pastry to the strains of violins in the Palm Court, and Kezia guided him expertly down the mysterious halls. They heard Japanese, Spanish, Swedish, a flurry of French, and the music that reminded Alejandro of old Garbo movies. The Plaza was more grandiose than the Fairmont, and much more alive.

They stopped at a door while Kezia peeked inside. The room was large and opulent with the endless oak paneling that had given it its name. There was a long elaborate bar, and a lovely view of the park.

“Louis?” She signaled to the headwaiter as he approached with a smile.

“Mademoiselle Saint Martin, comment ça va! Quel plaisir!” “Hello Louis. Do you suppose you could squeeze us into a quiet table? We’re not dressed.”

“Aucune importance. That is not a problem!” He assured them so magnanimously that Alejandro was convinced they could have arrived stark naked, and possibly should have.

They settled at a small table in the corner, and Kezia dug into the nuts.

“Well, do you like it?”

“It’s quite something.” He looked a bit awed. “Do you come here a lot?”

“No. I used to. As much as one can. Women are only allowed in at certain times.”

“A stag bar, eh?”

“You’re close. Rhymes with …” She giggled. “Fags, darling, fags. I suppose you might say this is the most elegant gay bar in New York.” He laughed in answer and took a look around. She was right. There were a number of gay men scattered here and there—a very large number as he took a second look. They were by far the most elegant men in the room. The others all looked like solid businessmen, and dull.

“You know, Kezia, when I look around a place like this, I know why you wound up with Luke. I used to wonder. Not that there’s anything wrong with Lucas. But I’d expected you to hang out with some Wall Street lawyer.”

“I tried that for a while. He was gay.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah. But what did you mean when you said ‘when you look around a place like this’?”

“Just that the men in your set don’t knock me out.”

“Oh. Well, they don’t knock me out either. That was always the trouble.”

“And now what? You go back to the old world?”

“I don’t know if I can, or why I should bother. I think most likely I’ll wait for Luke to get out.” He didn’t say anything, and they ordered another round of scotch.

“What about your friend Edward? Have you made peace with him?” Alejandro still shuddered at the memory of the half-crazed voice on the phone at the Fairmont after the hearing.

“After a fashion. I don’t think he’ll ever really forgive me for the scandal. It makes him feel like a failure, since in a sense he brought me up. But at least the papers have cooled it. And people forget. I’m already old news.” She shrugged and took another swallow of scotch. “Besides, people let me get away with a lot. If you have enough money they call you eccentric and think you’re amusing. If you don’t have the bucks they call you a perverted pig and an asshole. It’s disgusting, but it’s true. You’d be aghast at some of the things my friends get away with. Nothing as mundane as my ‘outrageous’ love affair with Luke.”

“Do you care if people get upset about Lucas?”

“Not really. It’s my business, not theirs. A lot has changed in the last few months. Mostly me. It’s just as well. Edward, for instance, had this illusion of me as a child.”

Alejandro wanted to say “So do I,” but he didn’t. She had that quality about her; it had something to do with her size and her seeming fragility.

They left after their third round of scotch, on equally empty stomachs, both high as kites.

“You know what’s funny?” She was laughing so hard she could barely stand up, but the cold air had sobered them both a little.

“What’s funny?”

“I don’t know … everything is….” She laughed again, and he wiped tears of cold and mirth from his eyes.

“Hey, you want a horse buggy ride?”

“Yes!” They piled aboard and Alejandro instructed the driver to take them to Kezia’s. It was a cozy carriage with an old raccoon lap robe. They snuggled under it and giggled all the way home, insulated by the raccoon and the scotch.