But that’s just it. I don’t have her anymore. I’m alone. And before I’m reminded again of how excruciating it feels for her to be gone, I close my eyes, dig my fingers into my hair, and bend over in my seat, caging my head between my legs. No one can hear me, but deep within my thoughts I scream and cry out, Get out of my head! Get out of my head! Get out! Get out! Get out! My body shudders as I try to put away the pain and memories deep within the back of my mind, storing every bit of it in a sacred place that I mentally deadbolt and throw away the key to.

Suddenly, I jolt back from a soft touch on my shoulder. “Jenna, are you okay?”

“Dr. Rosario,” I breathe out shakily.

My therapist for the past year narrows her eyes, examining me carefully. I stare at her wide-eyed. My chest rises and falls with uneasy breaths, and my arms are sprawled out with my fingers clenched into the sofa cushion. Dr. Rosario brings her hand cautiously to my knee, leaning in so only I can hear her next words. “Jenna, are you having an episode?”

“No,” I lie quickly. “I feel sick to my stomach.” That’s not too much of a lie. “I think I caught a bug or something. Do you mind if I reschedule?”

She looks at me skeptically. With all her experience in this profession, she can tell when someone’s having an episode. I guess my lie didn’t work. “How ’bout you come into my office? If you still feel like you’re going to be sick, we can end the session early. How does that sound?”

“Okay,” I whisper. Seems like I don’t have much of a choice. “I just need to use the restroom first.”

Dr. Rosario stands. “Of course. You know where it is. Just join me in my office when you’re ready.”

I nod. Dr. Rosario smiles warmly then disappears into her office. I nervously look around. No sign of Brooke anywhere. She’s gone. I collect my things, ignoring the stares from both the receptionist and the book lady, and head straight to the bathroom. With my back flush against the locked door, I steady my breathing.

You can do this, Jenna.

You know how some people say “one day at a time?” Well, in my life, it’s more like one second at a time. The simple tasks normal people take for granted are very difficult for me. Like brushing one’s hair or taking a shower or simply waking up and getting out of bed. These things need to be encouraged, pushed, because I’d rather stay in my room, tucked beneath the sheets of my bed where it’s so much safer. I have no one to push me right now, so it takes me about three minutes just to talk myself into standing in front of the bathroom sink.

The silver-plated mirror reflects a pale, sickly-looking girl back at me as the water runs into the sink. I don’t even recognize this girl. She’s so young, yet, with the dark circles beneath her eyes, she looks at least five years older than she actually is. I want to cry. I need to cry, to just let it all out. The anger builds inside of me while questions about what I’m slowly turning into take over.

Some days I allow my thoughts to run wild, to consume me, and keep me hidden within myself. No matter how strong of a person I struggle to be, the fact still remains—even the strongest fall through the cracks sometimes. But for right now, I do what I’ve trained my mind and body to do when I have just enough fight left in me. I take my medication, swallow back the tears, straighten my shoulders, tame my disheveled chocolate-colored hair, and lift my chin. Today, I will gather what little strength I have left and not allow myself to be defeated.

Not quite feeling like a brand new woman, I walk into Dr. Rosario’s office and take a seat on the white leather sofa, which I’ve grown accustomed to. Four years of psychotherapy, five therapists, and one admission to an inpatient institution later, my parents found Dr. Rosario. They feel strongly about her abilities and said I have an actual chance of recovery with her, whatever that means.

Dr. Rosario sits across from me, at ease in her matching white leather armchair. She opens my file and roams through it as her slender finger adjusts her glasses at the bridge of her nose. The only sound in the room is her fingers flipping through the pages. It’s beginning to irritate me. My legs bounce in place. I nibble on my inner cheek as I wait. The silence claws at my skin. I like quiet, but not this kind. Not when there’s someone else occupying a room with me. Not while I’m waiting for what she’ll ask or say next.

What the hell is she thinking anyway? It never takes her this long to begin one of our sessions. Is she analyzing what she witnessed a few minutes ago? If that’s the case, I’ll be bullshitting my way through the next forty-five minutes, hoping that at the end of it she believes I’m getting better.

Her brown eyes meet mine. Finally. “So, Jenna, tell me how you’ve been dealing with your symptoms lately.”

Is she serious? Why doesn’t she try living with schizoaffective disorder for four years? Then she can tell me how she deals with it. “Good.”

“You haven’t experienced any episodes in the past week?” she prods.

I swallow back the truth. “No. I actually feel like the new medication may be working.”

Dr. Rosario smiles. “That’s great, Jenna.” She scribbles down on a note pad. “Are you having any side effects from the antipsychotics?”

“I feel nauseous at times and have a loss of appetite. I also feel sleepy all the time, just tired.”

“Ah. Do you feel that the constant need to sleep has to do with the depression part of the disorder?”

“Maybe.” I shrug, looking down at my folded hands in my lap. I spot the gold, heart-shaped charm (inscribed with Sisters Forever), which hangs from the bracelet snugged around my right wrist. I cherish this bracelet. It’s the one item that keeps me going. Brooke gave it to me at my high school graduation. Every year since then, she’s added a new charm. But not this year.

“I’m going to prescribe you a higher dose of the antidepressants. We’ll see if that’ll help with your fatigue. Is that all right?” Dr. Rosario asks, disturbing my memories.

I keep my head low, trying to fight back tears as I cling to the tiny heart-shaped charm. I nod. “Okay.”

“Great. Now, let’s discuss a few things you can work on this week.”

I nod again, allowing Dr. Rosario to go on, but her words sound off distantly as my mind is somewhere else. As usual, I react and answer at all the right times, so she thinks I’m engaged in the therapy, maybe even getting better. I have to make her believe it, or at least make myself believe it, because at this very moment I’d rather be in my room, entombed in my sheets, and locked away.

* * *

After my visit with Dr. Rosario, I take a long walk around town. It’s the only way to clear my mind, to breathe. Anything to get rid of the hallucinations and the voices in my head. For once, I just want to feel normal. No one will ever understand it, not unless they’re going through it. Eventually, my legs tire and give out, and I’m forced back home—a place I dread going to.

“Jenna, come here, sweetie,” Mom calls as I enter through the front door. She is nothing if not predictable. Sometimes I really believe she has a tracking device on me. I mean, how else could she know exactly the moment I get home? How else could she pelt me with questions and jabs and reminders and meaningless information the second I walk through the door?

I somberly head toward dad’s home office, which is the direction her deceptively saccharine voice came from. I stand by the entrance, taking note that she isn’t alone. My mother looks like a queen sitting on her throne behind the massive cherry wood desk. Her silky smooth, natural red hair falls just above her collarbone, not a strand out of place. Her makeup is flawless as ever; never has my mother gone a day without her face made up just so. Come to think of it, never has my mother gone a day without dressing up either.

Her red lips twitch into a slight pout at my appearance. We’re the opposite of one another—day and night. Where she wears dresses and skirts, I wear jeans and shorts. Where she wears overly expensive designer heels, I wear sneakers or flats. The only makeup I use is the dark shadow and liner around my eyes and a bit of lip gloss.

I’m sure it took every ounce of my mother’s strength not to make a snarky comment about my chosen attire in front of our guests. After all, I am the daughter of Gregory McDaniel, CEO and co-founder of one of the largest financing and marketing companies in the tri-state area. So I’m certain ripped-up skinny jeans, black sneakers, and a Lady Gaga T-shirt, which features her practically naked on the front, doesn’t fit into my mother’s idea of what a perfect daughter’s wardrobe should be.

“Jenna, sweetie,” she says, forcing a smile, “these are the contractors that’ll be working on the guesthouse. This is Mr. George Reed and his son, Bryson.” She extends her arm gracefully toward the two men sitting across from her.

They turn in their chairs to greet me. The older man, George Reed, looks to be in his late forties or early fifties. The younger one, Bryson, appears to be roughly around my age, maybe a bit older. They both politely nod as I walk in and stand before them.

I respond with the same gesture, but after my mother’s disapproving, narrow glare, I reach my hand out to each of them. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both.”

“The pleasure’s all mine.” George Reed shakes my hand sternly.

“Same here,” Bryson says with a smile.

“Should we get started, Mrs. McDaniel?” George directs to my mother.

With a delicate wave of her hand, she lets out a giggle. “Please, George, call me Laura. And yes, we can begin now that Jenna is here.”

I’m caught off guard. “Oh, I wasn’t aware I was allowed to be involved in this little project of yours.” My words blurt out rapidly in a harsh tone, but it’s too late to take them back now.

Mother bites her tongue and a tiny, firm grin forms on her face. “Of course I want you involved with this project. Please have a seat, darling.” Darling? Ha! We stare at each other for an awkward, short moment.

I try to find sincerity through her act. And would you look at that? I come up empty. Since I don’t want to make a show in front of our guests, I swiftly sit in an empty chair beside Bryson and nod for them to go on.

George clears his throat and then spreads the blueprints on top of the desk. My mother squeals with delight. She scoots to the edge of the executive chair and leans in to have a better look. Bryson sets a laptop beside the prints, revealing a 3-D mock-up image of what the guesthouse will look like upon completion. “As you requested, Mrs.—Laura,” he corrects himself and goes on, “we designed the exterior of the property to be the exact replica of your home.”

Mother brings a hand to her chest and inhales an awed gasp. “I love it.” As much as I hate to agree with her on almost anything, I have to admit, it looks really good. They’ve managed to take our eight-thousand-square-foot home and transform it into a two-thousand-square-foot replica.

Bryson nods and continues, “I’m glad you do. Now for the interior, we’ve designed a two-story home as you requested. The architect was able to add in all of your wants and needs without complications. If you decide there’s anything else you’d like to add, we’d need approval from the architect before moving forward.”

“No, everything here is exactly how I had imagined it would be. I’m sure it’ll be beautiful. Mrs. Cunningham mentioned how amazing your work is, so I know I’m in good hands.” The Cunninghams are great friends of my parents. Mr. Cunningham, formerly known as Senator Frederick Cunningham, graduated grad school with my father. They’re now frequently seen together at the local golf course.

George strokes his dark grey goatee. “Laura, we understand that you want this to be a two-month project, but we usually ask our clients to give us an extra month. This gives us some leeway with ordering materials, weather conditions, and any delays or restrictions with the building permits. Again, this is just in preparation for any unforeseen circumstances that may arise.”

“Yes, of course. So you’re looking at a deadline of mid-September?”

“Roughly around that time. We’re pretty quick workers, so I’m sure we can have it finished by the end of August, providing there are no setbacks. We can start as early as Monday morning.”

“Terrific. Jenna, is this time frame agreeable to you?”

Both George and Bryson turn their gazes in my direction, waiting patiently for my approval. Why did my input matter so much to her? This entire thing was her idea. One day she woke up and said, “I want a guesthouse!” And bam, she made a few phone calls and now we’re here. Instead of making a fuss in front of our visitors, I simply nod.