But so what? Lots of people get crummy things written about them on the Internet. Look at Rachael Ray, that woman on the Food Network. There’s a whole online community devoted to how much people hate her, and she’s totally adorable. You can’t take it personally. You certainly can’t make a big deal out of it. That just gives the haters what they want—the attention they so obviously crave.

And if I tell on them—like if I tell my dad, and he goes to Principal Gupta about it, and she figures out who is doing it, and expels them, or whatever (because Albert Einstein High School has an online harassment policy that is supposed to protect its students from bullying like this), what good will it do?

They’re—whoever they are…and let’s face it, I have a pretty good idea who “they” are—just going to hate me more.

Right.

And so my boyfriend dumped me, and I’m still in love with him—so much so, it hurts? Big deal. Millions of girls have gotten dumped by their boyfriends over the years. I’m not special. My own best friend got dumped just like this a couple of weeks ago.

And now the guy who dumped her says he loves me.

Go figure.

That’s not why I’m crying, either. I guess. I don’t know….

And poor J.P.! I can’t believe I just left him hanging like that. I mean, I didn’t give him an answer either way. I just sort of…ignored him.

But I have to saysomething or it’s going to be weird.

It’s going to be weird either way, of course.

But he took a risk, putting himself out there like that. The least I can do is pay him the common courtesy of responding.

It’s just…I don’t know what to say.

I don’t! I mean, I know I don’t love him back—obviously.

But that doesn’t mean, like Tina said, that I couldn’t learn to. If I let myself.

In fact, if I let myself, I have an idea I could love J.P. a lot.

Just, you know. In a different way than I loved Michael.

But maybe I shouldn’t be making decisions like this after midnight on a day when I nearly got blown up and two weeks after I got dumped and one week into cowboy therapy and two nights before I’m supposed to make a speech about drainage in front of two thousand sophisticated New York businesswomen and an hour after I discovered ihatemiathermopolis.com is being written by someone who goes to my school and maybe, possibly my ex-best friend. (But itcouldn’t be her, right? That would betoo mean, even for Lilly.)

Maybe I should sleep on it. Maybe I should just go to bed and—

Okay. That is never going to work. I am never going to get to sleep unless I—

FTLOUIE: Dear J.P.,

Hi. So…today was weird, huh?

And it’s probably only going to be weirder tomorrow, what with all these newspapers and stuff saying how Kenny is a psychopathic madman, and you and I are going out and all. Not that I mind—if I’m going to be falsely romantically linked with anybody, I’m glad it’s you. Ha ha.

It’s just…I don’t know if I’m ready yet to be NOT falsely romantically linked with anybody. Do you know what I mean? Even though it was almost a couple of weeks ago now, it still seems like it was just yesterday that Michael and I broke up. And I’m not sure I’m ready to get back in the saddle and date again—

Oh my God. Dr. Knutz isn’t even here, and I’m using horse allegories. That is just so wrong.

Okay, delete, delete, delete.

Even though it was almost a couple of weeks ago now, it still seems like it was just yesterday that Michael and I broke up. I think I need more time to figure out who I am without him before I hook up with anybody—

Hook up!!! NO NO NO NO!!!! DELETE!!!

I think I need more time to figure out who I am without him before I start going out with somebody else.

Okay. Better.

I really do count you as one of my best friends, J.P. And if I WERE going to date anyone this soon, it would be you.

Oh, God. Is that even true? I mean, Ido like him…. He’s no Michael. But who is? Except Michael, of course.

But what about Lilly? It’s true she’s mad at me right now (but shecan’t be behind ihatemiathermopolis.com…where would she even find the time, between student council andLilly Tells It Like It Is and dating Kenny and all?)—and I’m not even really sure why.

But what if by some miracle she decides to forgive me for whatever it is that I did to her? And then she finds out I’m going out with her ex?

On the other hand…she’sgoing out withmy ex.

And, okay, I spent most of the time I was dating Kenny trying to figure out how to break up with him. But still. She can’t be mad at me for doing exactly whatshe’s doing…can she?

Oh, God. I don’t know.

I don’t know anything anymore.

Which leads me to:

But I need to get my head straightened out before I can let anybody else into it. Does that make sense?

Please don’t hate me.

Love,

Mia

Okay. Hitting SEND before I can change my mind…

Thursday, September 23, 7 a.m., the loft

Inbox: 2!

The first one was from Michael. My heart started beating super fast when I saw it.

But I must be getting a little better, because my palms didn’t get sweaty this time.

Could therapy be working? Or am I just completely dehydrated from all that crying last night?

I couldn’t help wondering, like always, if maybe he’d finally changed his mind, and decided he wanted to get back together after all….

If he did, would I go for it? Would I really stoop that low and take him back, after everything I’d been through in the past few weeks?

Yeah. I would.

But I was crushed (again) to see it was just a link to theNew York Post ’s story covering the AEHS explosion yesterday, with a note that said:

So I guess Kenny finally figured out how to get the attention he’s always felt he deserved….

Then there was a wink face, and then Michael’s signature.

So. I guess he’s not upset about all the stuff about me and J.P. after all.

Not that he would be. Since we’re just friends and all.

Sigh.

The second e-mail was from J.P. in response to mine. I have to admit, my heart didn’t speed up AT ALL when I saw it.

JPRA4: Dear Mia,

You take all the time you need to get your head straightened out (although I have to admit your head’s always seemed perfect to me). I’ll wait.

Love,

J.P.

So. That’s nice.

I guess.

Thursday, September 23, Homeroom

I know I’m not supposed to be writing in my journal at school, but this is just homeroom, and not a real class, anyway, so they can’t bust me.

And this isn’t my journal, which is at home, but my Precalculus notebook.

And besides, I HAVE to write this down, because I just saw the most random thing. And I’m sure Dr. Knutz would want me to write it down for my own SANITY just to process it:

When the limo pulled up to let me off at school—in a special cordoned-off area, because there are still so many reporters and news vans outside the school, trying to get interviews with students and faculty about the “mad bomber”—I got out and looked around for Lars, who turned out to be standing right next to me but I totally spaced noticing him because I’m so dazed from lack of sleep.

Anyway, that’s how I happened to see, under the scaffolding from where they’re replacing the mortar on one of the brick buildings across the street, this tall guy in a black leather jacket and faded jeans and dark sunglasses with a red bandanna around his head staring intently at the school.

And at first I was like,What is Ryan from The OCdoing across the street from our school? I thought that show got canceled….

And then the totally weird thing happened: A girl in an AEHS uniform walked up to the guy, and tugged on his sleeve…

…and he turned around and put his arms around her and the two of them started kissing passionately.

And I realized the girl was Lilly Moscovitz, and the hottie in the leather jacket was KENNY SHOWALTER!!!!

YES!!! The suspended juvenile delinquent who caused all of this trauma in the first place!!! Showing up at school to kiss his girlfriend before classes start!!!!

All of which, of course, begs the question:

When did Kenny Showalter get hot????

And also…

WHY WON’T LILLY TALK TO ME????

Because I am totally DYING to ask her how this whole Kenny thing came about in the first place. And also how the student council is going. And if Kenny has shown her his Final Fantasy action figure collection he first started assembling when he and I were going out. And if she’s behind ihatemiathermopolis.com, and if so, what I ever did to make her hate me so much.

Also if Michael ever asks about me.

But I can’t. Because she wouldn’t tell me anyway.

Thursday, September 23, English

Mia! How ARE you?

I’m fine, Tina! I mean, I’m a little stiff from being knocked to the ground yesterday. But my butt only hurts if I sit on it a certain way.

That’s good! But I meant…how are you EMOTIONALLY? You know…about ihhatemiathermopolis.com. And also J.P., and what he told you.

Oh! That! Yeah. No big deal. Us celebs have to get used to being cyberhated. And about the J.P. thing, I guess I’m okay. J.P. said he’s willing to wait, you know, until I’m ready. To date again. So. That’s good.

He’s so sweet! And it’s so romantic, how he SAVED you, the woman who unleashed his inner passion volcano. And did you see how hot he looked in that picture in theNew York Post this morning, with him on the back of that ambulance looking at you sitting on the back of that other ambulance? Now the whole city wants you to date him!

I know. No pressure.

You know I’m kidding!

I know, Tina. But that’s the thing: It’s really true. The problem is…I just don’t know ifI want to.

Well, whatever you decide, I’ll always love you. You know that, right?

Thanks, T. I just wish everyone were as sweet as you.

Thursday, September 23, G & T

Lunch was excruciating today. Everyone was coming up and congratulating J.P. for saving me.

Not that I don’t think J.P. deserves everybody’s praise and thanks.

It’s just that…that thing Tina said? It’s really true. It’s like everyone in the world is rooting for J.P. and me to go out—not including everyone who already thinks we ARE going out.

And I feel totally bad for resenting it, because J.P. really is a great guy, and we totally SHOULD be dating.

It’s just—how come everybody wasn’t this gung-ho aboutMichael and me going out? I mean, sure, Michael never saved me from exploding nitrostarch.

But he saved my sanity PLENTY of times.

And it’s not like he’s over there in Japan learning how to draw MANGAS or something like that. He’s over there building something that’s going to save people’slives.

Jeesh.

Thursday, September 23, PE

Oh my God. I KNEW it was going to happen. I knew there was going to be a price to pay for being chummy with Lana Weinberger:

She’s making me cut class with her.

And, okay, the only class I’m missing is PE, which isn’t exactly integral to my academic career.

But still! I’m so not a class-ditching type of girl!

Well, I mean, I’ve ditched…but usually only to sit in the third-floor stairwell to talk someone—generally MYSELF—through an emotional trauma…not to go to Starbucks.

But Lana and Trisha were waiting for me in the girls’ locker room when I got there today. They grabbed me and hustled me—right past Lars, who’d been leaning against the wall by the water fountain playing Fantasy Football on his cell phone—out of school and down the street. (Lars finally caught up around Seventy-seventh Street.) Lana said she really, really needed a nonfat mocha latte, and that she can’t possibly sit through Spanish (the class she has this period) anyway, because it’s right beneath the Chem lab, and that whole side of the school still reeks of smoke.

“Besides,” Lana said, “with all the reporters standing around outside, trying to get interviews with Principal Gupta about Beaker, it’s not like we’re going toobtenga cualquier trabajo a hecho , anyway.”

Which is no exaggeration. Our school is still the center of a media blitzkrieg, though the reporters are keeping off the school property, with the help of the NYPD, whom the school board apparently called in for crowd control.

However, we managed to get past them without my being recognized thanks to draping our blazers over our heads and running for it. Which was educational, in that it illustrated how it might feel to have to wear a burka.