Marie Sexton - Promises

“Yes. ‘Like a job’.” Her mouth twisted into a lopsided grin, and I think she almost winked when she said that. “The truth is, Jared, most of our teachers are overloaded right now. They’re teaching more subjects than they can handle, and many of them are teaching subjects which they never specialized in. The higher math and science classes especially have been, um, a little bit problematic.”

“What Alice is too nice to say,” Ann cut in, “is that Roger and I don’t know what the hell we’re doing.” Alice started to protest, but Ann cut her off. “It’s true. I never intended to be a math teacher. That’s just how things ended up. I can teach the lower level classes fine, but the truth is, advanced algebra and calculus are over my head.” She looked over at Roger.

He nodded. “It’s true. I’m a biologist. And I can manage with chemistry. But physics is beyond me.”

Alice started again now. “Ann and Roger have been doing their best, but the fact is it’s a terrible disservice to the students.” Nods all around.

Ann spoke again. “We don’t have that many students who make it to calculus or who want to take physics, but there are a few. So many of them struggle, and I’ve never been able to help them much.” I remembered Ringo saying his teacher didn’t know anything. I hadn’t realized he was right. “But all of a sudden, this year, students started getting A’s. They started catching me making mistakes.” She was turning red. “That’s not fun in a class of high school kids, let me tell you. And it wasn’t long before we started hearing all about you.”

“So, you want me to teach?” I knew that was a stupid question, but I couldn’t seem to wrap my brain around it. I had been so sure that I was walking into a battle. I still hadn’t quite recovered.

“The position would start in January, at midterm. I’ve put together a package for you with information on benefits and pay. We can’t pay you much. You could make more teaching in Boulder or Fort Collins, but since you already have a home here in Coda, we thought maybe we could convince you.” She handed me a folder filled with papers. “Take some time to think about it and talk it over with your family. Feel free to call me with any other questions in the meantime.”

“The fact that I’m gay isn’t a problem?”

It was Mr. Stevens who answered, and I realized he had probably been included in this meeting specifically for this reason. “It’s not a problem as far as the school is concerned. I can’t lie to you—there will be parents who will complain. Not many, but a few. However, the fact remains that, like band, physics, advanced algebra, and calculus are all electives. So parents can decide. If their personal prejudices are more important than the furthering of their children’s education, well, frankly, it’s not our problem. I’m not going to lie to you, Jared. It’s not always easy. Kids can be mean and so can their parents. But it can also be very rewarding.”

“I, uh….” I wasn’t exactly being articulate. “I’m really sorry about earlier. I had no idea. I really don’t know what to say.”

“Well, we hope you’ll say ‘yes.’”

SOME rational part of my brain knew that I should be thrilled about the job. But the rest of my brain, which seemed to be the bigger part, felt nothing but anxiety. I couldn’t really put my finger on the source of that anxiety. Partly it was the shop and knowing that I would be putting Brian and Lizzy in a bad spot. Part of it was the knowledge that some parents wouldn’t like it. Part of it was my own memory of the things that had been said about Mr. Stevens by some of my fellow students back when I was in school. Was there more to it than that? I wasn’t sure. I only knew that the very thought of taking the job had me breaking out in a cold sweat.

Matt was overjoyed when I told him. He actually picked me up in a bear hug that had my ribs aching.

“That’s amazing! And you thought they wanted to chew you out. Are you going to call Lizzy?”

The thought of telling Lizzy was nauseating. “Not right now.”

“Can I call her?”

I couldn’t even look at him when I answered. “No.”

“Why not?” and the happiness in his voice had been replaced by confusion.

“Because, I don’t know yet if I’m going to take the job.”

“What?”

“Which part of that sentence confused you, Matt?” I had meant that as a joke, but it came out sounding snarkier than I intended.

“Fine.” And now he sounded hurt and angry.

“Let’s just make dinner, okay? We can talk about it later?”

I was still avoiding going out with him. He flinched a little every time I insisted on making dinner at home and his eyes got a little darker, but we never argued about it.

We did, however, argue again about his coworkers and my continued refusal to spend time with them. And that night over dinner, he dropped the Christmas bombshell on me.

“Jared, the department is hosting a Christmas party in a couple of weeks, and I really want you to come with me.” He didn’t expect me to agree. I could tell he was already braced for a fight. And with good reason.

I kept my eyes on my plate. “No way.”

“That’s it? ‘No way’? You won’t even consider it?” I could tell he was fighting to keep his voice even. He never yelled—I think he consciously chose to not act like his father— but his voice would get low and dangerous.

“I don’t need to consider it to know I’ll be miserable.”

“I’m going to be miserable too.”

I looked up at him and attempted to smile. “Exactly. So let’s stay home.”

“Jared, that’s not the answer. We have to be together. We have to make them face it. Eventually it won’t seem like such a big deal to them anymore.”

“Do you really think shoving it in their faces is the solution?”

“Nobody is ‘shoving’ anything in anyone’s face. You think I’m going to fuck you on the buffet table or something?” His voice was quiet and tight, like he was carefully controlling every consonant, every syllable a struggle. He was seriously pissed at me now. “I’m not an idiot. All I’m saying is they have to get used to seeing us together.”

“So I’m supposed to just stand there, pretending to have fun, while they point and laugh?”

“Maybe, yes.”

“No. Fucking. Way.”

That was the first night we went to bed still mad. I lay on my side of the bed, miserable, listening to him breathing on the other side. I knew he was still awake. I wanted so much to touch him, to bridge that gap. But there was nothing I could say that would fix it short of giving in, which I wasn’t prepared to do.

It went on for days. I knew in the back of my mind that this should have been a happy time for us. And at times it was. We watched football and we made love a lot. But most of the rest of our time seemed to be taken up by arguments over those two points of contention: my job offer and his fellow police officers. ’Round and ’round we went, and we didn’t seem to be getting anywhere.

It all came to a head one night at Lizzy’s house. She had invited us over for dinner. We argued for an hour before we got there about whether or not I should tell Lizzy and Brian about the job. Of course, he thought I should. But I didn’t want to cause trouble until I had made a decision.

We were snapping at each other from the minute we walked in the door. Everybody tried to pretend like they didn’t notice, but I knew they did. Dinner was quiet and awkward. We were just finishing up when Brian said, “Jared, we need to talk about the shop.” He  looked nervous when he said it, and Lizzy was staring at her plate. Matt perked up but didn’t say anything.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“Now that Lizzy’s been home with the baby for a few weeks, she’s having second thoughts about coming back to work.”

“Oh.”

“I know it’s been tough for you without her. You’re working long hours. And Ringo can’t help much, except on the weekends.”

“It’s okay—”

“Tell them,” Matt said, quietly enough that only I heard him.

I ignored him. “I can handle it.”

“No, you can’t, Jared,” Mom said gently. “You can’t do it by yourself.”

“You’ll want days off and vacations,” Lizzy interjected.

“Ringo will graduate next spring—” I started to say.

“Tell them,” Matt said a little more forcefully. Lizzy’s eyes darted to him curiously, but nobody else seemed to notice.

“Jared,” Brian interrupted, “he’s not going to stay. You know that. He’ll be going off to college. We could hire another high school student to help out, but it still won’t solve the problem.”

“Then what do you suggest?” I asked him.

“Well, we can look at the possibility of letting Ringo go and hiring a full time employee.”

“We can’t afford that. Especially since a full-time employee would expect benefits.”

“Maybe it’s time to think about selling it.”

“No—”

“Tell them!” This time it was loud enough that they couldn’t ignore him.

“No!” I hissed at him.

“Tell us what, Jared?” Lizzy asked with a challenge in her blue eyes.

“It’s nothing!” I told her and then turned to him. “Not now!” I couldn’t believe how angry I suddenly was at him. We had been arguing about it for days, and the fact that he would try to force my hand pissed me off to no end.

But he was staring right back at me, and he looked just as mad. “It’s not ‘nothing’!” He kept his gaze level on mine and said, “Jared has been offered a full-time job teaching at the high school next semester.”

“What?” Brian said.

“That’s great!” Mom said.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Lizzy asked.

I barely heard any of them. “You incredible fucking bastard! I can’t believe you just did that!”

“Why not? I’ve been trying to get you to tell them for the last week—”

“What?” Lizzy sounded pissed now too.

“You knew I didn’t want to say anything.” My voice was getting louder.

His, on the other hand, was getting lower, his words clipped short as he got angrier. “And you don’t think that your job offer is relevant to this discussion?”

“You had no right!”

“I had no right? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

And now I really was yelling. “You had no right because it’s none of your goddamn business!”

Everybody froze. I saw in his steel-gray eyes all of the doors slamming shut in a way I hadn’t seen in months. His gaze turned icy, his face guarded and expressionless. “So that’s how it is. I can’t believe I didn’t realize sooner.”

He stood up and started to walk away.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I made an effort not to yell, tried to keep my voice level. Almost succeeded. Brian was looking terribly uncomfortable. Lizzy looked pissed as hell, and I had a feeling it was at me. I couldn’t tell what Mom was thinking.

“It means I should have realized what was going on. You’ve drawn a line, haven’t you? And I’m not supposed to cross it. And apparently that line is just outside the bedroom door!” Brian jumped up and grabbed whatever dishes were closest to him and took them into the kitchen. Mom and Lizzy didn’t move. Matt wasn’t done. “You talk a pretty good game, but the fact is, you’re still ashamed of who you are, and you’re ashamed to be with me!”

“I’m not!”

“You are! Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You think I haven’t noticed that suddenly we can’t even go out to eat anymore? Sure, you’re fine with being gay, but only because you live your life in a fucking bubble! As soon as it comes down to actually facing people, you bury your head in the sand.”

“That’s not fair!”

“Fair? Do you have any idea what I put up with at work for you? Have you ever even thought about it? Do you think that’s ‘fair’? I ask you to make just a little bit of an effort for me, and you won’t even consider it. And you have the nerve to talk to me about ‘fair’? You said this was what you wanted, but now you’re the one who can’t face it!”

“Wait—” I was backpedaling now.

But he ignored me and kept talking. “And now this job! I’ve seen you with those kids. I know how much you love teaching them. But you’re going to pass up a chance to teach full time just so you can avoid having to deal with a few bigoted parents or a few asshole teenagers. You’re going to keep working at that shop for the rest of your life, just so you don’t have to face the rest of the world. You can tell yourself that it’s because you have to. That it’s because your family needs you to. But it’s bullshit, Jared! The real reason you won’t consider it is because you’re scared.”