Marie Sexton - Promises

“Are you done?” I asked icily.

“Yeah. I’m definitely done with this whole fucked-up situation.” He turned and walked out, and I heard the front door slam.

Lizzy jumped up and threw a roll at my head. Her aim was impeccable. “Asshole!” She ran after Matt.

Only Mom and I were left. I put my head in my hands on the table. I was shaking, terrified that his last statement meant he was leaving me for good. I wanted to chase after him, but then what? I couldn’t do what he wanted me to do, but I couldn’t bear to lose him either. I was still pissed, but I was also fighting hard to keep from bursting into tears.

Mom was quiet for a long time, but I knew she would say something eventually. If she didn’t have something to say, she would have left the table already. Finally, she took a deep breath and said, “Jared, let me say two things, and then I’ll never mention this ugly incident again.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“No, you don’t. The first is this: you can’t control what others think. The only thing you can control is yourself. Some people will look down on you for your choices in life, no matter what they are. You can’t do anything about that. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life. And to hell with everybody else.

“The second is this: I know being in a committed relationship is new for you. But trust me on this: you can’t just pick tiny pieces of yourself to share, and keep the rest to yourself. It doesn’t work that way. It’s all or nothing.

“Third—”

“You said there were only two things.”

“I lied. The third thing is simply this.” She put her hand on my shoulder, and that gentle touch made me lose my battle to keep the tears back. I let them come and was childishly relieved that only my mother was there to see it. Her voice was soft when she continued. “That boy loves you. Don’t be such a pigheaded fool that you can’t see it.”

She kissed me on the back of my head and left.

Lizzy gave me a ride home in stony silence. I had no idea what had passed between her and Matt after she followed him out of the dining room. I only knew that she came back hurt and angry and he didn’t come back at all. She parked in front of my house, but when I started to get out, she finally broke the silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

I rested my forehead against the cool glass of the window. I couldn’t look at her. “I don’t know.”

“I thought we were friends.”

“We are, Lizzy.”

“Really?” She sniffled a little, and when I looked over, there were tears on her face. I couldn’t remember ever feeling like such an ass.

“Yes, Lizzy.” I reached over and took her hand. “You know I love you. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I know that’s a ridiculously lame answer, but it’s true. I just didn’t want anybody to know. The thought of taking that job ties my stomach in knots, and I can’t really explain why. Maybe he’s right. Maybe I’m just scared.” Now that I had said it, I had to really examine it and I didn’t like what I saw.

She was quiet for a minute but finally said, “Jared, don’t worry about the shop. We’ll figure something out. Take the job.”

“I don’t know, Lizzy—”

“Take the job. And pull your head out your ass. You owe Matt an apology.”

It wasn’t until I got in the house that I realized Matt wasn’t there. I tried calling his apartment but hung up when his voice mail picked up. I debated driving over but decided that would just be asking for trouble. I was sure he was still angry. I was, too, but only a little. Mostly I was hurt and ashamed. I knew if I tried to talk to him now, he would still be in attack mode and I would be defensive, and in the end, we would probably only end up saying more things we didn’t mean.

The next morning I called again and got his voice mail. This time I left a message. “Matt, I’m sorry. Please come home.”

I kept remembering what it had been like after my birthday, leaving messages for him and never hearing back. I spent the whole day at work trying to convince myself that he wouldn’t do that to me again. I was hopelessly relieved when I got home and found him waiting for me. He was sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. He looked scared but also determined. I was so glad to see him and started to go to him, but he held up his hand to stop me.

“Stay over there.” He wasn’t looking at me, but his voice was firm.

“Why?”

“I have something I need to say to you. If you’re here, where I can touch you….” He took a deep breath and then looked up at me. “I’ll lose my nerve.”

I was sure my heart had stopped beating. There was only one thing that could make him sound so cold and so final while looking so scared. I leaned against the door, tried to steady my breathing, and waited for him to tell me that he was leaving me forever—leaving me alone again. I felt my arms cross over my chest and hugged myself tight, hoping I could keep myself together and knowing it was futile. I was sure that I would fly into a thousand pieces and be lost forever if he left me.

He took another deep breath and started talking. “I don’t do things halfway. Once I make a decision, I generally don’t waste time second-guessing myself. And with the exception of one very bad decision I made a couple of months ago”—he blushed when he said this, and I knew he was talking about his decision to leave me and date Cherie—“it has always been for the best.” He stopped for a minute, but I knew he wasn’t finished, so I waited. “So when I made the decision to be with you, I just assumed that what you wanted and what I wanted were the same thing. But I realize now that I should have asked you.”

My mind was scrambling for purchase, trying to see where this was headed. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t breaking up with me. I hardly dared to hope. “You knew what I wanted.” I barely managed to get the words out.

He shook his head. “I thought I did. I assumed I did. But I never asked. I assumed that this”—he indicated the two of us—“was going to be something serious. I basically moved in with you, and I never stopped to question if that was what you wanted.”

“It was, Matt.” I hated how desperate I sounded. “It is.”

“Are you sure, Jared?” I started to answer, but he held up his hand to stop me. “Don’t talk. Let me finish. This relationship isn’t easy for me. It’s going to take time for the guys at the department to get used to the idea of me being gay. I mean, I’m still getting used to the idea myself. I’ve spent the last few months denying that we were lovers, and now suddenly I’m not denying it, and they know that I’ve been living here, and I have to take a lot of shit for that. The truth is, Jared, I’m willing to deal with it, because of the way I feel about you. Because I’m not happy unless I’m with you. But I’m not sure I’m willing to deal with it if all you’re interested in is sex. I know that sounds like an ultimatum, and I don’t want it to, but I have to be honest. I want us to be together. But, like I said, I don’t do things halfway. So if we’re together, I need it to be for real. I need you to be sure.”

He stopped short like he wasn’t done but wasn’t sure what else to say. I felt like I was gasping for air, flooded with relief at what I was hearing. Once I had my balance, I looked back up at him. He was still sitting there, looking lost, looking like he needed to say more but didn’t know how. When it became evident he wasn’t going to say anything else, I asked, “Can I talk now?”

He almost smiled. “Yes.”

I went to him, put my arms around him, and kissed him, just barely. “Matt, this is what I want. I do want you here with me. It’s not just about sex. I’m crazy about you, and there’s nothing I want more than for us to be together.”

He looked relieved but still did not reach for me. “Jared, I don’t want to fight anymore. We need to decide now how we’re going to handle this.”

I took a deep breath. This was the part I wasn’t sure about. “Okay.”

“I know you’re embarrassed—”

“Not of you.”

He ignored my interruption. “And I understand, to a certain extent. But, I think you’re going about it wrong, trying to hide it. We can spend our lives holed up here in this house, trying to pretend like we’re not together, but in a town this small, people will still know. And they will talk. And it seems to me that acting like criminals will only give them more to gossip about. I’m not saying it’s easy for me either, Jared, but I don’t want to hide anymore. I will not spend the rest of my life being ashamed of my love for you.”

That was the first time he had ever used that word, and I was stunned into silence. Only a few minutes ago, I had been sure that he was leaving me, and now he was actually saying that he loved me.

“Jared, please say something.”

My voice was shaking as I asked, “You really love me?”

He put one hand in my hair and pulled me closer, smiling and shaking his head at me. “Do you really have to ask?”

Some knot in my chest that I hadn’t quite realized still existed loosened up and was gone. He loved me, and he really was happy with me, despite everything that it cost him with his coworkers. Was it really so much to ask for me to try to make it easier? I was causing all of these arguments, but why? Because I was too proud to face his coworkers? It occurred to me how proud I should be that he wanted me with him. I closed my eyes and concentrated on not allowing myself to cry in front of him, but I couldn’t stop my breath from shaking.

“What is it, Jared?” His voice was so gentle. “Talk to me.”

“You were right—I am scared. But….” I opened my eyes again and looked into his. “I don’t want to fight anymore either. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”

He smiled again and then kissed me gently. “Will you go riding with me tomorrow?”

That simple request surprised me. “Of course.”

“Two of the guys from the station will be there.”

“Oh.”

“But you’ll go?”

This was it. I couldn’t turn back now. “If you want me to.”

“Will you go to the party with me on Saturday?”

My pulse raced, and I felt butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. “I will. I’ll hate it, but I’ll go if that’s what you want.”

“It is.” He tightened his arm around me and kissed me again, and then the hand in my hair pulled a little, like I knew it would, angling my head to the side so he could kiss my cheek, then my jaw, and then my neck. His voice was low and full of a promise that made my knees go weak as his lips brushed my ear. “Will you come in the bedroom with me?”

I laughed with relief. “God, yes. Happily.”

He led me to the bedroom and slowly, slowly, undressed me, kissing me everywhere. He took nothing for himself, gently turning away all of my efforts to please him, and used his hands and his mouth on me, teasing me into the most amazing orgasm I had experienced in a long time. And afterward, he kissed me gently, held me tight against him, and whispered in my ear, “I do love you, Jared. It frightens me sometimes how much I love you.”

I could not stop the tears this time and was relieved that it was dark in the bedroom, so he couldn’t see them. I put my arms around him. “Matt—”

He silenced me with a finger on my lips. “Shh.” He wrapped himself around me, chest to chest, legs tangled together, one hand moving through my hair. He kissed my forehead. “No more talking, Jared. Just let me hold you.”

Any doubts I might have had were gone. He loved me. Nothing else mattered.

THE next day, just after lunch, we loaded our bikes onto the Jeep and headed for the trailhead. I was leaning against the window, watching the trees fly past, trying to steady my nerves and convince myself that I didn’t really need to throw up. I hated myself for being so nervous.

“Are you okay over there?” Matt asked lightly.

“No. I’m trying to remember why I agreed to this.” I was trying to remember our conversation from the day before, but in the harsh light of day, it was hard to hang on to. I forced myself to remember his whisper in my ear, his arms tight around me, as he told me that he loved me. That’s why I was here. I was doing this for him. Still, it was doing nothing to alleviate the knots in my stomach.

“It’s going to be fine.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” Logically, I knew that he was right. It was just riding, which I love. I probably wouldn’t have to talk to them much at all. And in a few short hours, we would be back home. I took a deep breath. “Who are these guys? What should I expect?”