Marie Sexton - Promises

“The aftershock is kind of strange.”

I relaxed again in his arms and laughed a little. “I know.”

“I feel sort of—I don’t know. Soft.”

“I know what you mean.”

“It feels that way for you?”

“I always feel like my legs aren’t quite attached right anymore. Like they’re somehow loose in my hips. Like I’m a Barbie and somebody pulled my legs off—”

“No!” he growled fiercely into my ear, his hand pulling hard on my hair. “Not a Barbie!”

“Okay.” I laughed, surprised at his response. “Ken, then.”

He relaxed a little, but it felt forced, and when he looked down at me, he looked troubled. “You could pass for Ken. Long-hair, hippie Ken.” His hands pulled on my curls again, but not as hard this time.

I could tell he was trying to joke, but it didn’t quite come out right, and suddenly it wasn’t funny anymore. “What is it, Matt? Do you think it makes me a girl if you fuck me?”

He sighed and flopped down on his back next to me and stared up at the ceiling. “No. Not a girl.”

“But less of a man?”

He didn’t answer, which of course was an answer in and of itself. I tried not be bothered by it. After all, I had lost my virginity fifteen years earlier. Fifteen years and a half-dozen different relationships in that time to explore the dynamics of top or bottom. In most cases, it hadn’t mattered, but in some, it definitely had. I knew that it could become a power issue, and I tried to be grateful that he was being cautious of it. Still….

“Jared?” He was on his side now, facing me, his head propped up on his hand. “Are you mad?”

“I’m not sure yet,” I answered honestly.

He pulled me back into his arms. “Please don’t be. It’s not even so much that I think of you that way, as that I worry that you’ll think that I think of you that way and you’ll resent me for it. Does that make sense?” I was trying to unravel that, but he didn’t give me time to answer. “Anyway, I feel better about it now.” And it was true that he didn’t look troubled anymore at all and his voice sounded determined. “I feel better about what just happened than about the other way.”

I still wasn’t sure it made much sense to me, but so what? We had been together just over a month. Not long at all for a guy to go from insisting he was straight to where we were now. We had all the time in the world to make him more comfortable. And in the meantime, he preferred bottom? I’d have to be an idiot to object to that.

“Jared, are you okay?” he asked.

I smiled up at him and repeated his own words back to him. “Matt, I am somewhere way beyond ‘okay’.”

“Good.” He kissed me then, and it was slow and deep and passionate, and his hands were wandering down my body in a very familiar way, and I was surprised to feel that he was growing hard again already against my leg.

I laughed. “Already? I’m not sure I’m capable.”

“Sometimes,” he whispered jokingly into my ear, “you just don’t know when to shut up.”

He rolled back on top of me, lining us up the way he liked to do, and reached down to wrap his hands around both of us. He was fully erect again, and I was getting there. He was kissing me again, and his strokes were slow and deliberate. I wrapped one arm around him, put my other hand on top of his as it moved on us, closed my eyes, and gave up to the sensation of what he was doing. Fucking him had been incredible, but this was something else entirely. Sexually, maybe it was less, but emotionally, I knew it was more. I knew he was telling me something. It was in the slowness of his movements, the way he gripped me tight against him, the gentleness of his tongue running over my lips, the way he whispered my name.

I was still amazed that I could make him this way.

Nothing else mattered. Not his parents. Not having to spend a week apart. Not even Barbie and Ken.

TWO days before Christmas, Lizzy and I were working in the shop. Brian was working on selling it, but until then, it was still ours. I hadn’t seen Matt for four days. My house felt terribly empty, but knowing it was temporary made it bearable. I had been spending a lot of time at Brian and Lizzy’s and had even done one night of babysitting with little James.

Lizzy was counting out change and talking about her favorite topic, my hair.

“Jarhead, you can’t teach like that. What will the kids think?”

“That I’m hip.”

“You are not hip. You’re scruffy. Not the same thing.”

“I thought girls liked scruffy guys.”

“Oh?” She grinned at me playfully. “Are you trying to attract girls now? Is there something you’re not telling me?” I tried to throw a pencil at her but missed by a mile.

Matt walked in at that moment, looking exhausted.

“Hey, Matt, I’m trying to convince Jared to cut his hair.”

He didn’t even acknowledge her but walked up to me and said quietly, “Can we go in back for a minute?”

I was surprised but said, “Sure.”

We went in the back room. He sat down on the edge of Lizzy’s desk, looking down at the floor, and didn’t say anything. Sitting on the desk, he was shorter than me, and all I could see was the top of his head. I could tell by looking at him that he was wound up tight. I waited for him to say something and finally realized he wasn’t going to.

“How’s it going with your parents?”

“Fabulous.” His voice was low and tight, full of sarcasm and anger. He didn’t look up and didn’t seem inclined to say anything else. The silence stretched on. It felt like he was getting ready to share bad news with me, and I tried to keep my pulse from racing.

“What’s wrong?”

“I just wanted to see you.”

That made me relax a little, but I knew there was something else going on. “That’s all?”

He nodded but didn’t say anything, and he was still staring down at the floor.

I walked closer, and he tensed up a little, like he might bolt if I made any sudden movements. “Matt, look at me.”

It took him a second, like he had to work up his nerve, but when he glanced up at me, I saw it in his eyes. He was barely holding himself together. Coming to me hadn’t been a whim. It had been an act of desperation. He didn’t just want to see me; at that moment, he actually needed me, although he could never have said it. He looked sad and terrified and lost. I could tell he was embarrassed for me to see him this way but desperate for me to help him somehow.

I went to him, put my arms around him, and he grabbed on to me like he was drowning and buried his face in my shoulder. He was shaking, his breathing ragged, and I thought he might be crying but trying hard not to. At that moment, I hated Joseph more than I ever had before. I hated that he could break Matt, who was usually so strong and confident, in only a few short days. I don’t know how long we stood like that—several minutes at least. I just held him, rubbing his back and shoulders a little, making calming sounds until his breathing was steady again, and he finally relaxed.

“I’m sorry, Jared,” he whispered.

“Shhh. Don’t be silly. You have nothing to apologize for.” I kissed the top of his head. “What happened?”

“Nothing, really. I’m just losing my fucking mind.” He laughed, but it was harsh and humorless. “I can’t stand it. I can’t stand him.” He took a couple of deep breaths, and then said, in something closer to his normal voice, “I miss you. I hate that we have to be apart right now.”

“Me too. Why don’t you come over tonight? They don’t have to know.”

“I’m on nights this week.”

So he was working nights and spending the days with his parents and probably barely sleeping in the meantime. That explained a lot about his present state of mind.

He pulled back, stood up, and turned away from me. Even with his back to me, I could see him putting himself back together, wiping his eyes, standing straighter, squaring his shoulders, putting on that carefully controlled, guarded expression. “He’s drinking, Jared. A lot. And he never knows when to keep his mouth shut. This is the worst it’s ever been.”

Just then, Lizzy poked her head around the corner. “Can I come in?” she asked quietly. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I need to get into the safe.”

Matt took a deep breath and then turned around. He was still tense, but he had most of his usual confidence back. To anybody else, he probably looked as calm and in control as ever. But I could still see the anger and sadness in his eyes. “It’s okay, Lizzy.”

She headed for the safe but watched him out of the corner of her eye the whole time.

She got what she needed out of the safe and started out but then stopped and turned to him.

“How bad is it, Matt?”

He shrugged. “Pretty bad.”

She thought about it for a minute, and then said, “Why don’t you all come to dinner on Christmas?”

“No.” He shook his head. “I couldn’t do that to you. Not after the way he behaved last time.”

She walked over to him and put a hand on his arm, looking way up into his eyes. “Matt, you’re family now. You should be with us on Christmas. And if that means we have to put up with your father, then we will.”

He looked at the floor, then glanced at me, and then at her. “He doesn’t know….”

“I figured as much. We’ll be careful.”

“Really?” He sounded hopeful.

“Really.”

He smiled and hugged her, much more gently than he ever hugged me. She looked so tiny in his arms. “Thanks, Lizzy.” She started to head back out, but he said, “Oh, Lizzy, one more thing?”

“Yes.”

“Jared can’t cut his hair. I wouldn’t have anything to hang on to. It gives me good leverage.”

I had never seen Lizzy turn quite so red so fast. I knew I was blushing too. Matt laughed at us both. And hearing his laugh at that moment was worth all the embarrassment in the world.

I WAS in the kitchen with Mom and Lizzy when Matt and his parents arrived on Christmas day. Matt came in immediately and said quietly, “He’s drunk. Lizzy, I hope you don’t end up regretting this.”

Before she could say anything, Lucy came in. She obviously felt awkward after the debacle of their last visit, but she thanked Lizzy for inviting them, and then Brian brought James in, and the three women were immediately talking about sleeping patterns and nursing habits. Matt, Brian, and I cleared out in a hurry.

We made it most of the way through dinner before the shit hit the proverbial fan.

“I’m surprised that there’s no snow,” Lucy was saying. “I figured we would have a white Christmas in Colorado.”

Brian laughed. “We rarely get snow for Christmas. Any that we do get before this generally melts in a day or two. Our heaviest snowfall is usually February or March.”

Suddenly, Joseph looked around the table and said, “Don’t you have anything to drink?”

Lizzy’s smile was all innocence. “What would you like? I have iced tea, Sprite, Dr Pepper, milk—”

“No! I’m talking about a drink.”

“Oh!” She looked genuinely dismayed. “I meant to get some wine to have with dinner, but I got so busy yesterday, and I forgot to go to the liquor store. And of course, they’re closed today.” She looked around guiltily and giggled a little and shrugged, and she really did come across as somebody who just couldn’t quite keep too much in her head at once. “I’m such an airhead, sometimes. Brian’s always teasing me about it.”

Of course, that wasn’t true at all. Nobody would ever accuse Lizzy of being an airhead, least of all Brian. I also knew that there was plenty of alcohol in the house.

“You mean you don’t even have any beer?”

“We finished it off on Sunday watching the game,” I told him. Also a lie.

“Well, with the way those Cowboys are playing this season, I can understand that.” Of course, the Cowboys game hadn’t even been shown that week in Colorado, but we didn’t say anything.

I was actually glad football had come up—such a nice, safe topic—and I said, “Can you believe Al Davis fired his head coach again already?”

I could tell Matt was wound up too tight to respond, but this was the one topic I could count on Brian for. “Hey,” he said, “as long as he keeps being an idiot, the Raiders keep sucking. He’s actually my hero.”

But Joseph ignored us and moved on to his favorite subject.

“Matt, I still can’t figure out why you’re not dating anyone. When we were here last summer, we couldn’t go anywhere without some young girl giving you her number. You should be playing the field.”