“Help me, Katharine,” he said. “We will show this wayward daughter of ours. I am going to cut this gown into ribbons and nothing will stop me.”

The Queen was laughing. She said: “Oh Thomas, you take your games too far.”

“Come, Katharine, hold her,” he commanded.

She put her arms about me holding me tightly and I allowed myself to stand still while he finished his work on the dress. An irresistible excitement possessed me.

“You…you…” I panted. “You have ruined my dress!”

“And shown you what I feel,” he said. “We have done that, haven't we, Katharine?”

“You are such a boy, Thomas,” she said.

“You have ruined my dress,” I repeated in mock anger. “You will have to pay for a new one.”

“Most willingly and I will make sure that it is of my liking.”

I think my stepmother must have become aware of watching eyes from the window.

“Elizabeth,” she said, “you are half naked. You had better go in at once. What will they think?”

“They will think that I am a man who will have his way,” said Thomas, and I am ashamed to say that the ambiguity of his words was thrilling to me.

“Not with me,” I said; then realizing that my stepmother was right and I could not remain in the gardens thus, I turned away and ran across the lawns into the Palace.

Kat was waiting for me, agog with excitement. She had, of course, seen it all.


* * *

SOON AFTER THAT INCIDENT my stepmother told me that she was expecting a child. She was so happy but I felt a great pity for her as well as the tenderness she always aroused in me. I could not help wondering whether she was aware of the manner of man she had married. She did not appear to be, and it struck me that she deliberately closed her eyes to his true character. What did she think of his flirtation with me? She called it “teasing” as though it was the kind of behavior which was natural between an indulgent parent and a stepdaughter of whom he was fond. How could she have been so blind?

That disgraceful scene in the garden was the beginning of the change in our relationship. It was almost as though he was telling me that he had finished with the preliminary stages, the foreplay, of his courtship of me. He was clever; he knew that I was aware of his intentions and he also knew that my feelings for him were far from indifferent.

We were in a highly dangerous situation. If he reached the climax toward which he was moving, he would do more than endanger his marriage, he could commit a crime against the State. I was no longer merely the bastard daughter of the King. Under the late King's will, I was in line to the throne if anything happened to Edward, and if Thomas carried out his intention, which was surely seduction, that could be treason and he could lose his head. Did he know this? Of course he did, but danger was the breath of life to him. He was reckless by nature, ambitious and confident. What was he thinking of, besides seducing me? I was not so simple as to believe his plans did not go beyond that. To marry me? To share a throne with me? But he had a wife. Wives could be removed. I sometimes wished I did not possess such a logical mind.

What amazed me about myself was that knowing this … being fully aware of the ruthless ambition of this man, I could still be fascinated by him and want him to go on pursuing me.

I used to lie in my bed sometimes and think of him under the same roof.

Kat Ashley slept in my bedroom. I was glad of that, for much as I enjoyed these amorous skirmishes with him, I did not share his desire to bring them to the usual conclusion. I would preserve my virginity until I was absolutely certain that to relinquish it would not impede my climb to power. Therefore I needed protection from assault, and if I could be sure of that, I was very happy to continue with the game.

One early morning I was awakened by the sound of stealthy footsteps and the door of my bedchamber was slowly opened. Thomas! I thought and looked for Kat who was not there. She must be with my other ladies as it was nearly time for me to rise. I thought of running to the adjoining chamber but it was too late.

The bedcurtains had parted and Thomas stood there in his nightgown and slippers. He was smiling down at me. I gasped and sitting up pulled the bedclothes up to my chin.

“My lord,” I cried. “How dare you!”

“There is nothing I would not dare for the Lady Elizabeth,” he said.

“Go away. My ladies will see you.”

“They will see a fond stepfather coming in to say good-morning to his little stepdaughter.”

“Surely it is customary to dress in a fitting fashion before doing so.”

“Are you and I concerned with what is fitting, my adorable red-headed Elizabeth?”

“Go at once. I will not tolerate such…”

“Loving attention,” he finished. “And how will you stop me? Don't you think you have played your reluctant game long enough?”

“I do not understand you, my lord.”

“Then I will enlighten you.” And with that he leaped onto my bed and grasped me in his arms. He kissed me full on the lips in a manner which bewildered me, and I felt I ought to scream for help and yet…I did not want to. On the other hand I was afraid because I had no intention of letting any man dominate me.

“Thomas!” The door had opened and my stepmother stood there.

Thomas was in complete command of the situation, and it occurred to me then that he must have had practice in extricating himself from similar predicaments.

He turned to smile at her. “Look at this child, Katharine. She is in an ill temper this morning and refused to say good-morning politely to her stepfather. I looked in to say it and she glares at me and spits like a wild cat. What shall we do to punish her? Come, Katharine, help me.”

With which he began to tickle me until I screamed for mercy, but I knew I was safe because of my stepmother's presence. He insisted that she join with him which she did and we were all laughing together until we were exhausted.

“Really, Thomas,” said my stepmother. “You behave like a schoolboy.”

He tried to look suitably boyish, and it was only when his eyes met mine that I saw the familiar gleam in them. It was the gleam of passion, not contrition for his behavior.

How long could it go on? I asked myself. Why did my stepmother not see it? But perhaps she did and deceived herself. People were like that. They did refuse to see what they did not want to.


* * *

KAT SAID TO ME: “Mr Ashley is most disturbed.”

“And why?” I asked.

“He says the Admiral's conduct toward you is unseemly.”

“And what did you say to that?”

“I said he was a gallant gentleman and you were a very beautiful young lady and so… these things happen.”

“And what then?”

“He had heard of the cutting of the gown.”

“Which you told him doubtless, as you saw it. Do you think I did not know that you were watching from the window?”

“Well, that was mentioned and the romping in the bed chamber.”

“My stepmother was there… she joined in the romp.”

“Poor lady! But Mr Ashley says it is my duty to speak to the Admiral. I should put myself in the right, he says.”

“What does he mean?”

“Mr Ashley is a very serious gentleman. He would always know what should be done.”

“Well, are you going to speak to the Admiral?”

“I am afraid Mr Ashley insists that I do. But if you forbade me to…”

“I would not presume to come between a husband and his wife.”

“Only when it is a handsome Admiral,” said Kat; and got her face slapped for her insolence. But she was accustomed to my sudden onslaughts, and they were quickly forgotten.

I was very interested to hear what the Admiral would say to Kat and demanded she give an account of the interview.

“He looked so handsome,” she said. “He was in purple velvet, and he has the most well-turned legs I ever saw on a man.”

“We know full well what the Admiral looks like. It is his words I am interested in.”

“He seemed surprised when I told him that people were whispering about what was happening between you and him, my lady. He said: ‘How so? Is she not as a daughter to me?' I mentioned the rompings and he said, ‘May not a man joke with his stepdaughter?' I told him that Mr Ashley was of the opinion that it was dangerous for the Princess Elizabeth to be involved in such scandals, and he said that the Princess was a child and had a fondness for childish games and jokes and he and the Queen were only indulging in these to amuse her. He said they wanted you to be happy in your home. That was why they lived simply at Chelsea. He and the Queen had no thought but for your good. He spoke so beautifully and he was so kind to me. He said if I heard any more ill-natured talk I should tell him who was responsible for it. He knew that I was his friend and that I would always speak well of him with you. It was just a display of fatherly affection, and I am sure Mr Ashley will be satisfied with his reply.”

“Kat,” I said, “I love you but there are times when I think you one of the most foolish women I ever knew.”

She looked at me roguishly. “Go on with you,” she said. “You will have your jokes.”


* * *

IT WAS INEVITABLE that the time must come when even Thomas would not be able to go on deceiving his wife. One afternoon when the household was quiet, I had gone into one of the small chambers to read a book which William Grindal had given me to study.

I had not been there long when I heard the sound of stealthy footsteps outside the room. Experience had taught me to guess who was coming. He must have seen me enter the room and had come after me. I was faintly alarmed for we were in a rather isolated part of the palace, but that overwhelming excitement was taking possession of me. This time there was fear with it.

I stood up clutching the book against my bodice as he entered.

“Ha,” he said. “I've caught you.”

“My lord,” I stammered, “please go. I have to read this book. It is a lesson for Mr Grindal.”

“I have lessons to teach you which are more important than those within Mr Grindal's scope,” he said, and with that he was beside me. “Caught!” he went on. “Do you know, we are alone now. Isn't it time we stopped this game of feigned reluctance?”

“It is not feigned,” I said.

“We shall see.”

He had seized me, and I was aware of the strength of the man and my own vulnerability. I wanted to fight him off and yet I did not. He had slipped my bodice from my shoulders.

“No, no!” I screamed, for something within me told me that this must go no farther. And yet on the other hand a part of me was hoping that it would.

I was saved by my stepmother, and was often in the years to come to thank God and my good fortune for her timely arrival, though at that moment I wanted to fade away in my shame.

She stood in the doorway, her dear good face creased with unhappiness. Her body was unwieldy now because she was about six months with child. She must have been suspicious of all that romping, the cut dress, the tickling, the boisterous games. Perhaps she could no longer go on pretending to herself and must at last accept her philandering husband for what he was. In any case she had caught him now… and me with him.

All my desire for the Admiral faded. I felt sick and wretched and overcome with shame. How could we have hurt her, she who had shown us nothing but loving kindness? She cried: “Thomas!” and there was a world of misery in her voice.

I stood before her, my face flaming red. He was silent. There was nothing he could answer now. I tried to pull my dress back over my shoulders.

She said: “Elizabeth, I think you had better leave us now.”

I tried to look at her pleadingly, but she would not meet my gaze; she was looking at me with such utter sadness that I thought it would haunt me forever more.

“Go,” she said to me, and the coldness in her voice made me want to weep.

I went to my room. I lay on my bed. Kat came to me and tried to question me. Angrily I dismissed her. I felt sick and ill. My head was aching violently. That was the beginning of the headaches which were to plague me for the next few years. I believe they were brought about by my extreme distress.

I lay there, hating the Admiral, but most of all hating myself.


* * *

IT WAS SOME HOURS before my stepmother sent for me. She was very composed but completely aloof.