K. Lynn - Reciprocity

All strength left me with the last drops, and I released her, falling back onto the floor. She sunk onto the bed, then slipped to the floor, crawling until she could collapse onto my chest.

“I love you to the end of the earth and beyond,” I said between pants.

She looked up at me and quirked her brow. “The earth is round.”

I snickered. “I love you to the moon and beyond.”

She kissed my chest. “I love you to the rock formally known as the planet Pluto and beyond.”

I ran my hand down her arm. “That’s a long way.”

“Yes, and that’s how much you mean to me—more than this world and all in between.”

I grabbed her face and kissed her, trying to pour all the love I had for her into it. “For all eternity, this life and the next and the one after that, you are mine and I am yours.”

“Always.”

Lila’s hand was clutched tightly in mine as we sat in the sterile environment of her OB/GYN. Neither of us said much to the doctor, just answered her questions, both of us anxious. The answer would change everything. If the pregnancy test was right…

My knee was bouncing, hand rubbing a hole in the back of my neck. The tension was thick, both of us waiting. We’d celebrated, happy to have a baby on the way, but we both needed the definitive proof of a blood test. Maybe then we could make rational decisions on what to do.

Who the fuck was I kidding? I didn’t make rational decisions, not when it came to her. If I did, I would never have given in to the lust and fucked her in our office that night. I wouldn’t have gone to her time and time again. My door would have stayed closed to her. It never would have gotten far enough to know I couldn’t live without her.

Each minute that passed made my agitation grow. What the fuck was taking so damn long?

Another time, long ago, I’d been in the same situation. It was happier then, when I didn’t have a threat hanging over my head. How could I be so fucking stupid? It was bad enough that I allowed Lila to come into harm’s way by being with me, but bringing a baby into the fucked up situation? What the fuck was I thinking? I was asking for Marconi to come after us, more than my actions already had.

But I’d practically begged Lila for a baby. I wanted us to have a family—I wanted everything with her. My nightmares were in full force. The parallel of then and now…

“Mrs. Thorne?” the doctor called from the door, bringing me back from my thoughts.

Neither of us seemed to notice when she entered the small examination room. “Yes?”

She sat down and looked at the two of us. “Well, the test came back. It was negative. You’re not pregnant.”

“But the test…” Lila trailed off as I stared at the doctor in disbelief.

Not pregnant.

I didn’t know whether to sigh in relief or cry. My relief was from knowing Marconi couldn’t take another one of my children from me. Yet, it was laced with torturous pain from a loss that was never there. I wanted it, was so excited about us having a baby, and now I felt…empty. Devoid of something we never had to begin with.

“It was likely a false positive. They are extremely rare, but there is that one percent.”

Lila’s cheeks turned red, likely due to embarrassment, and she looked up at the doctor. “My missed period?”

The doctor nodded. “It sometimes happens if you’ve been on birth control and go off, to miss one soon after as your body regulates itself again.” She gave us a pity smile. “Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.”

Lila looked up at the doctor. “It’s my fault, isn’t it? User error?”

The doctor nodded. “That’s usually what happens in these rare cases.”

Lila looked between us, distress written all over her face. “I took a shower after taking the test.” She looked down, fidgeting with the hem of her skirt. “I couldn’t stand waiting.”

“Tests read after the time on the instructions can lead to a faint positive.”

“Thank you.” I held out my hand, and she shook it.

“Are there any questions you have while you’re here? Any help you need?”

Lila shook her head. “No, that was all.”

The doctor stood. “You still have plenty of time, and if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call. Okay?”

“Thanks,” Lila whispered.

We followed the doctor down the hall and checked out. Silence filled the space between us. The walk to the car was empty, but as we moved through the parking lot, her head was down, looking to the ground.

“Honeybear?”

“I feel like an idiot.” She sniffed, and her bottom lip trembled.

I shook my head as I cupped her cheeks and lifted her face. Unshed tears welled in her eyes. “You’re not an idiot.”

“Yes, I am! I gave us joy and fear in one announcement that wouldn’t have even happened if I hadn’t been so scared to wait the damn two minutes.” She lost it then, tears spilling down her cheeks. “You freaked out, and I caused you pain.”

“Oh, baby, no. That’s not it at all.” I held her in my arms. “I want us to have a baby, to be a family.”

“The Marconi aren’t going to allow that.”

I had no response, no rebuttal.

The reality of life-threatening danger hung heavy around us both.

Lila—my goddess, my sin, my soul mate. Live together or die together. There was no in between, and the odds were stacked against us.

No more hoping, no more dreaming, only harsh reality. It was a time for action. I had to get my plan going, and it had to be soon.

Time was not on our side—it was running out.

Lila

I stared at my reflection in the mirror, at the dark circles that needed more makeup every day. Insomnia had taken control again, and sleep eluded me. I took comfort in my husband’s arms, but I couldn’t shut my brain off.

What were we going to do? Over a week had passed since we had the pregnancy mishap, and things were only getting worse.

Life was hard for everyone, but it was incredibly atrocious to others. Nathan and I qualified as others. I knew with every cell in my body he was my soul mate. I also knew that fate was a cruel mistress.

“Honeybear, you almost ready?” Nathan called from the bedroom.

“Almost.” I closed up the concealer and brushed on some powder.

My hand trembled, and I clenched it into a tight fist, trying to stop it. I had to keep calm, had to show calm, no matter how badly I was breaking on the inside. Nathan needed me to be strong, and I would be his pillar.

“Ready.” I smiled at him and held out my hand to take his.

I didn’t want to die.

I was happy for the first time in my life. Was it too much to ask to grow old with Nathan?

The tremors got worse with each passing day, and soon I wouldn’t be able to rein them in. He would see the fear I fought so hard to keep from him. The show left me more exhausted every day.

My eyes flitted over to the remnants of what was our home office as I walked toward the door. He destroyed it, obliterated it, telling me the end was near.

He pulled me close and kissed my forehead as we rode down to the ground floor. “I have to go to the Hamilton County courthouse today, so I won’t be able to go to lunch.” His voice was tight.

“Okay.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, soaking him in.

We headed out to the parking lot and got in the car. He eyed me and pursed his lips.

“What?”

“Can you order lunch in today?”

I wanted to object. I wanted to tell him everything was okay.

But I couldn’t.

“Sure. Caroline and I can take over your office.” I elbowed his arm and smiled.

Why couldn’t we be left alone? Ever since we’d met, wave after wave of hurdles crashed in front of us and we cleared them all, together. The one in front of us now loomed over, casting a shadow and making it almost impossible to attain freedom.

Eggshells. We were walking around avoiding everything in a strange dance, all out of fear. Part of me wanted them to kill us and get it over with, to end the anxiety that ruled our lives. The other part begged for another day, hour, minute—I never wanted to leave him.

Instead, I squashed both feelings and aimed for calm obliviousness. My act fooled him because he was so trapped in his own anxiety.

When we arrived at the office, I pasted on a smile and wrapped my arms around his arm. “What should we do this weekend?”

Rule one—keep smiling and upbeat. Rule two—always talk about the future, no matter how close.

He swallowed. “I was thinking we could go for a drive. Maybe get away.”

“That would be fun.” I smiled, trying not to let on I knew the double meaning in his words.

The kiss as we separated for our own offices held an edge as they all did of late—passion—like it would be the last.

“I’ll see you later, Honeybear. Love you.”

“Love you.” I gave him another soft kiss before he turned and headed down the hall.

When I sat at my desk, I leaned forward and covered my face, trying to gather myself. I pulled my phone out and opened up the email app—something I couldn’t do with Nathan around.

“Shit.” Another one popped up, sent at three that morning—surveillance shots with a time stamp. It was from the same address the other three had come from, each with a photo of Nathan and me coming and going. They’d been coming in for weeks. Marconi’s guys knew our schedule.

I marked it as unread and closed out of the app—I didn’t want Nathan to know I was reading his email. He kept me in the dark for my safety, but I wasn’t going to stay there. He was my husband, my life, and I wasn’t going to let them surprise me—surprise us.

“Morning!” Owen’s smile helped to calm me, his happiness infectious.

“Good morning.”

He set his bag down and took off his jacket—it was unseasonably cool.

“Brrr.” He shook off the cold. “It’s a hot coffee kind of morning. Want some?”

I smiled up at him. “That would be great. Thanks.”

“No problem, partner.”

The moment he was out the door, I picked up the burner phone Noah bought a month ago and dialed the number I’d called every day for the past few months—Noah’s own burner phone. I peered out the door, keeping a lookout for anyone coming.

“Hello?”

“How’s it looking?”

There was a pause, then a sigh on the other end—a very bad sign. Usually he had little to report, and it was mostly the changing of guard. A prickling sensation moved across my skin.

“Lila, it’s time to consider leaving.”

My heart stopped, my body going cold. “What’s happening?”

“I don’t know, but it’s not good.”

I swept a hand over my face, unable to keep the façade up, shaking like I was going to come undone.

“Did you get another gun yet?”

I nodded, not that he could see. “It’s in my purse.”

“Does he know?”

“No.” My voice broke.

“Are you going to tell him?”

Tears welled in my eyes. “Not right now.”

“You need to, because if you don’t, I will.” The low tone in his voice told me how serious he was.

Everything was spiraling out of control.

I popped another pill, hoping it would calm me before I broke out into a full-blown panic attack. My hand gripped the edge of the sink harder, trying to suppress everything.

Dr. Morgenson didn’t like the state either of us was in, or upping both our dosages so we could make it through the day. It was an unfortunate necessity. Even he knew therapy wasn’t going to help us, and the drugs would help get us through the days ahead…however many there were left.

The reflection in the mirror hardly resembled me. Maybe it was the florescent lighting of the office’s restroom, but the terror clawing at my insides looked like it found an outlet.

My eyes sealed tight as I fought to gain control. Deep, even breaths helped, but they still couldn’t stop the shaking. I let out a harsh breath and looked down at the sink, at the phone that sat there, and the message from Noah that stared back at me.

Vincent Marconi is on his way here.

I bent over further as a dry heave ripped its way through me.

What were we going to do?

The door swung open, startling me, and Caroline stepped in. She stopped as soon as she saw me, her eyes widening. Her course changed from the stall to me.

“What’s wrong?” She stopped in front of me, worry filling her face.