Elizabeth Finn - Restoring Jordan

“Not her fault? Of course it’s her fault!”

“I want you to listen to me very carefully. I did this. It was me. I took advantage of a naive young woman in a situation where I was the one in control. Who knows? She may have thought her internship would be threatened if she didn’t comply, perhaps her future would be ruined. She was coerced. But it was me. Not her. She was a victim in all of this, and it would be a real shame for your student to be punished for being victimized by me.”

“You’re full of shit. I don’t believe for a second she felt coerced.”

“You don’t have to believe it. So long as the rest of the world does. People don’t look so kindly on schools turning a blind eye when their female students are being harassed and assaulted. Every year some university is coming under criticism for mishandling crimes against their female population in order to mitigate their crime rate. And in this case, you already allowed her to return to her internship after finding out Mark Lear harassed her. Hell, you didn’t investigate or take any action whatsoever to ensure her safety.”

“That’s a lie! I asked her if she…”

I cut him off quickly. “Again, it has more to do with what people are willing to believe.”

“You should be ashamed of yourself.” His face is burning red in his fury. He wants to hit me, but since I want to hit him just as much, I’m willing to let it slide.

“No, you should! You had no problem allowing her to return to Foster’s after the incident with Mark. You want to talk about inappropriate, that man tormented her, and you had no problem sending her right back for more. Funny how easily and eagerly you seem willing to pass judgment on her now. A judgment, by the way, that was fed to you by Mark Lear himself. She deserves better from you, especially if you have as much respect for her as you say you do. And if that respect isn’t enough for you to do the right thing, then trust me when I tell you I can pave the way for one hell of a harassment case that will implicate the university’s blatant refusal to support their student. If it means painting myself a sexually assaulting asshole, then I’ll do it. And if you think for a moment I’m not more than willing to hang myself out to dry for her, think again.” I don’t have to try to sound convincing to this man. I’m telling the truth. There is nothing I won’t do to protect her from the rug they’re pulling out from under her, and if that means throwing myself under the bus to see it done, so be it

Dr. Lynch is staring at me. His eyes are wide; his nostrils are flared. “Why would you do this for her?”

“That’s no more your business than what my relationship with her is or is not.”

“You’ll destroy your career.”

“Maybe. But that’s my problem.”

He stares, saying nothing, and I stare coolly back, waiting. I’m not cool at all. My heart is pounding, and I’m terrified. I don’t want this threat to move outside of this room. I may be willing to destroy my life, but it certainly isn’t what I want to have happen. I can’t take care of her if I’m destitute. I can’t be with her if I destroy my life. He has to break, and I won’t break his stare until he does.

“Is she good at what she does? I want an honest assessment and not the one fogged by your dick.”

“She is. She has more talent than the vast majority of designers I’ve worked with, and the fact she’s not even out of school yet impresses the hell out of me. She has an eye for historical architecture, and while I’m sure she’s more than capable of handling contemporary, she’s more than at home in traditional design. I didn’t expect her to be so talented when she first came to Foster’s, but she is. And if you can’t see she’s accomplished twice as much in her one semester at Foster’s than your other interns ever have and likely ever will, then you are blind.”

Dr. Lynch continues to stare. He’s debating, deciding, judging, and my heart is still pounding. I might not be able to stop myself from punching him in the face if I don’t get my way. Her future is on the line, and this man is the only one who can redeem her. His stare goes on and on for eternity, and I sit, waiting, watching, trying not to kill him.

“She’s not going back to Foster’s for the remainder of the week, but I’ll consider the internship complete. I want her performance evaluation turned in by someone other than you, and I won’t be sending any more interns to Foster’s if you remain on staff. You’ve said you’re not with Foster’s anymore, so I’m assuming this won’t be a problem. Right now, I have no interest in speaking with her, so I’d appreciate it if you would let her know. She’ll graduate with her class this weekend, and quite frankly, I’ll be glad to be done with this bullshit.”

I want to kiss him. I still want to punch him too, but my relief is overwhelming. I try to stay cool, but the audible sigh that passes my lips is a clear sign I’m crumbling. This has easily been the most intense and terrifying fifteen minutes of my life, and when I escape from the building and finally sink into my car, my hands tremble on the steering wheel. I let my head sink to the steering wheel. Tears I haven’t experienced in more years than I can recall are suddenly present and fighting to spill. I give in for a minute and let them fall before dashing them away and pulling from the parking lot.

When I arrive at Adeline’s apartment, I don’t expect to find it silent and unoccupied. I knock and then I pound. I call her cell phone, which goes straight to voice mail, and as I hit Redial and peer in through her blinds, I’m caught completely off guard when Kelli suddenly appears. I’ve decided I like Kelli. She’s spunky and strikes me as the type who is not easily ruffled—unlike me, who is ready to pop a tent on her porch, send out a search party, and lobby my congressman for mandatory girlfriend microchip tracking devices.

Ironically, I had intended to take her to dinner on this very night and profess my feelings. I had been psyching myself for the event since I made the reservation the afternoon before, and now, having had to change those plans, I was expecting to find her home so I could be her knight in shining armor. But arriving to her empty apartment with my plans dashed was admittedly not what I had in mind. Kelli in her stead was definitely not what I had in mind.

“Hi.” Her words are uneasy and leery.

“Uh… Have you talked to Adeline? I can’t reach her, and I…”

I must look desperate, as she unlocks the door and lets me enter with her. Her eyes are calm, but her gaze is suspicious as she studies me. “Yeah. I just talked to her a bit ago. She’s going home to be with her parents. She left in a hurry and left some windows open and asked that I stop by.” Her eyes narrow at my concern. “Are you okay? You don’t look well.”

I’m not okay if she’s not here. “Yes, I’m fine. Did she say when she’d be back?”

Her eyes flash to mine, and I can see the protective fury boiling beneath the surface of her demeanor. “Well, given the fact she won’t be graduating and her entire life was just destroyed today, I guess … maybe … never.” Kelli is resentful; her sarcasm and cool expression are making this clear.

“I have to see her. Do you know her parents’ address?”

“What on earth for? You fuck her, nothing more. You don’t do relationships, or so I’ve been told. So, this really doesn’t concern you, Jordan.” I see my dear sweet Adeline has been confiding in her best friend, not that I expected anything less. I can also see if I have any hope of getting to Adeline, it will be through Kelli. At the moment she’s the gatekeeper, and the gatekeeper does not like me.

“I love her, Kelli.” I pray the truth works.

“And yet, oddly, you haven’t told her that.” My gaze falls from hers as guilt twists a knife in my gut. The fact Kelli knows I haven’t told Adeline I love her means it was important enough to Adeline to tell her.

“I know, but you have to believe me when I tell you I do. I have to see her, Kelli.”

She studies me. She doesn’t trust me, and I get it. I’m a schmuck. After studying me as I hold her gaze, she falters, and on a sigh, she speaks. “Loving her means loving only her for the rest of your life. Marrying her, having a family with her, sharing your life completely with her. It isn’t something you can throw away later or abandon because you have strong feelings now, but you tire of her later.” She has no faith in me, but for the first time in my life I have faith in myself.

“I know what love means, and I love Adeline. I know how to do this. You have to trust me.” I’m practically begging her to believe in me, but my words are true and my feelings are honest. There is no question remaining in my mind I’m meant to love her, and it will be everything she deserves.

Another deep sigh later and she moves to Adeline’s desk, writing something on a notepad. Handing it to me, she continues. “Their address. She’s upset, Jordan.”

“I know.” I turn from her and move to the door, pausing once at the threshold and looking back. “She’s graduating Sunday.”

The grin that takes over her face is the response I get. “And how the hell did you manage that?”

“By loving her enough.” I smirk as my eyebrows shoot up.

As I turn to leave, her words trail after me. “Well done, Jordan.”

Five hours, one speeding ticket, and a narrow miss with the stupidest Iowa deer I’ve ever met later, and I’m pulling into her parents’ driveway. It’s dark and late evening at this point. I became turned around on the country roads three times before I managed to make it to the right road and then had to retrace my path twice before finally finding the right driveway—not easy to find much of anything out on darkened country roads without so much as a single streetlight. But the warm lights glowing within the home tell me they’re here. The house is surrounded by mature trees and fields beyond that. It’s a large two-story with a massive wraparound porch. I can’t make out much detail, but it looks beautiful in that heartland sort of way. It’s easy to imagine Adeline growing up here, swinging on the tire swing that hangs from the enormous old oak tree in front of the house, playing basketball in the driveway where the hoop hangs above the detached garage.

As I pull up and step out of my car, I take in the smell of earth. It’s dirt and growth and the sweet smell of spring flowers and rain. There’s the buzzing of crickets, and their music emanates from every direction around me. This place is alive with more life than even Chicago manages to cram within its city limits. The stars shine bright in a way I’ve never experienced, and the moon as well. I can imagine no better place than her home and this country world to give her the words I’ve withheld for so long. And yet mounting the porch steps to the front door, I’m terrified.

Have I waited too long? Have I kept her wanting for more too endlessly? My mind whirs with questions, and I’m terrified of the answers to each and every one of them, but there is one that keeps coming around to the forefront of my consciousness over and over and over again. This question is the key to all others, and I’m desperate to know this answer. Does she love me?

I knock and wait. My palms are sweaty, and my heart is thudding with the pulse of fear. I can hear the footfalls from within as someone approaches, and for a half a second I imagine dodging off to hide behind the bushes that line the front of the porch. Her rejection may kill me, but it’s her love that will heal every last wound I carry.

As the door opens, I inhale a deep breath and hold it in my lungs. And when I see her face, the air rushes out in a loud sigh.

“What are you doing here?” Her eyes are wide and shocked.

I’m paralyzed in my fear and desperate for the reassurance of her touch. “You’re graduating.” They’re not the only words that need to be spoken, but they’re a good way to start.

“What? No, I’m…” She’s shaking her head. She doesn’t believe me.

“Yeah, you are.”

She swallows over a lump in her throat, and her eyes suddenly glisten with tears. She looks like she’s struggling to process my words. “What did you do?”

“Nothing really… It’s not the reason I’m here … I mean … it’s not the only reason I’m here.” She’s watching. Her brow is wrinkled as she fights to get hold of the situation and what I’m saying, and as one lone tear breaks loose and slips down the beautiful skin of her cheeks, I finally tell her what I’ve known in my heart for too long without saying. “Adeline, I love you.”