"It has been a long time since your mother died, Ann Alice. A man gets lonely. You understand that?"

"Of course I understand," I said. "I wish people wouldn't keep hinting that I don't."

He looked surprised at my peevish retort but he went on: "I am going to be married again. Lois and I decided that you should be told right away ... before we make a formal announcement."

"Lois! Miss Gilmour."

"It has all worked out very happily. I was surprised when Lois agreed. She is considerably younger than I and very attractive."

I was staring at him wretchedly, trying to beg him to say it was all a joke.

"Tell me," he said, "isn't it a happy solution to everything?"

I stammered: "I... don't know."

"It's a surprise to you. Ever since Lois came here as your governess the house has changed."

Yes, it has changed for me as well as for him.

"It seems brighter just as it used to when—"

"You mean when my mother was here."

"These tragedies come to us, Ann Alice. We have to accept them. They are God's will. But we should not nurse our grief. That is not what God intends. We should put sorrow behind us. We should try to reach for happiness."

I nodded and turned away.

"I am so pleased that you understand," he said. "I am doing this for you as well as for myself."

I wanted to shout at him: Don't think of me. It is not what I want. I want her to go right away ... and take Mr. Featherstone with her.

"We shall give a dinner party on Twelfth Night," he was saying, "and then we shall announce it."

There was nothing I could say without betraying my feelings. I just nodded and escaped as soon as I could.

And now I sit here staring at the words in my journal. My father is going to marry Miss Gilmour.

Somewhere at the back of my mind I know that this is what I have been fearing for a long time.


March 1st

They were married today. The house is quiet now. It reminds me of a tiger... sleeping. But it will awaken and then it will pounce. It will destroy everything that was and make a new house of this.

I love my little room. I pull the blue curtains about my bed and shut myself in. This is my little sanctum. Here I can be private ... all alone.

They left this afternoon for their honeymoon. They have gone to Italy.

"I always wanted to go," said Miss Gilmour.

They will do a grand tour. They can't go to France because of the troubles there. Terrible things are happening in France now. They say that the King and Queen are in great danger. Nobody in their right senses would want to visit France now, said Papa. So it is to be Italy— land of lakes, mountains and the finest art treasures in the world. Papa is very interested in these and Miss Gilmour—only she is not Miss Gilmour any more; she is my stepmother—is interested in everything that Papa is interested in.

She is the perfect companion.

It is such a short time ago that I was saying goodbye to dear Miss Bray. Oh, why did she have to go? She is now expecting a baby and she writes that she is the happiest woman in the world. It is selfish to wish that she had never gone to her Reverend James.

But how can I help it?

Just think, I say to myself, if Miss Bray had not left I should not now have a stepmother. Everything would be as it used to be. Dull perhaps, but cosy.

And now... it is so different. A new atmosphere is permeating the house. I wonder if anyone else feels it besides myself. I don't really think they do, so perhaps I am imagining it.

It is as though something evil has come into the house ... silent, watchful, waiting to pounce.


March 2nd

I rode out alone today and I had not gone far when I met Mr. Featherstone.

It was quite a shock. A shiver went through me as he came up beside me. We were close to the woods and it was rather lonely. I could not help wondering whether he had followed me and waited for this moment to catch me up.

"What a delightful surprise!"

"Oh ... good afternoon, Mr. Featherstone."

"I am going to be bold and ride with you."

"I hope your business is going satisfactorily."

"Couldn't be better."

"You must find it tiresome living in an inn. I expect you are longing for your business to be completed so that you can return to your home."

"I find the life here very diverting. After all, I have made some delightful acquaintances."

He brought his horse close to mine and I turned to look at him. He was gazing at me implying that I of course was among those delightful acquaintances. I was glad he could not reach me, for if he had been able to, his hand would be on my arm or my shoulder.

I said: "I like to gallop at this point." And I shot away. But of course he was pounding along beside me.

I was forced to slow down because we had come to the road.

"You must have a quiet house now that your father is on his honeymoon with his new wife," he said.

"I don't notice it."

"I thought you might be lonely."

"Not in the least."

"You have many friends, I don't doubt."

"I have enough to occupy me."

"No more lessons... not now you have lost a governess and gained a stepmother."

"I am getting a little old for lessons."

"Quite the young lady. I can see that."

"I turn off here, Mr. Featherstone."

"I was going that way."

"I am returning to the house."

"That was a short ride."

I did not answer. I was resisting the impulse to tell him I was going back to escape from him.

"Now that you are—alone—perhaps we could meet?"

"Oh, I have a great deal to do."

"Too busy to see friends?"

"Oh no. I have time for my friends"

"Oh, Miss Ann Alice, I was hoping you would count me among them:'

"You are Miss Gilmour's friend."

"Miss Gilmour? Oh ... Mrs. Mallory, of course. It was so good of your father to invite me to his house. I expect now that the family friend has become his wife, I shall have more invitations."

"I daresay my father's wife will decide who is invited now."

"Then I should be assured of a welcome."

We had reached the Green. The house stood on the south side of it. I felt annoyed to have had to cut short my ride, but I was determined not to be with him.

"Well, goodbye, Mr. Featherstone."

I started to canter across the Green, but he was still beside me.

"Aren't you going to invite me in?"

"I am afraid I can't do that... now."

He looked rueful.

"Never mind. I shall call when you have more time."

He took off his hat and gave that ridiculously exaggerated bow which he must have learned in the set of the Prince of Wales of which he implied he was an associate.

I wish he would go back to London or Brighton or wherever they were and practice his fancy manners on them.

I came into the house—hot and angry.

Miss Gilmour—I refuse to call her anything else—had ruined my pleasant existence in every way.


March 6th

Is there no way of escaping that man? He called at the house yesterday. I was out and when I came in he was in the hall. If I had been told I could have sent the maid down to say that I was not at home. But I was caught.

He said he was thirsty in the hearing of the maid and she glanced questioningly at me so that all I could do was offer him some wine. Then I had to drink with him.

I took him into the small parlour which leads from the hall and where we entertain casual callers. I wondered how soon I could escape.

"This is most pleasant," he said.

I was silent, not being able to utter the blatant lie which even implied agreement would have been.

"I am so happy I came here," he went on. "It is such a delightful part of the world and London is within easy access."

"Wouldn't it be more convenient to be nearer?"

"Perhaps, but not so congenial. I can't tell you what a happy day

that was for me when I discovered your stepmother, and she introduced me to your household."

Again I was silent. I was a most ungracious hostess but then I was a most unwilling one.

"When do you expect the happy couple to return?" he asked.

"I gather they will be away for a month. It is hardly worth travelling so far for a shorter stay."

"And a honeymoon!" His dark eyes tried to hold mine and strangely enough I found it hard to draw mine away. He had a certain effect on me. I wished I could be indifferent but he had a sort of horrible fascination for me. I suppose that is how a rabbit feels when face to face with a stoat. "Can you imagine it? Florence ... Venice ... Rome ... I suppose they will visit all those places. How would you like to do that, Miss Ann Alice?"

"I am sure it would be most interesting."

"A great deal would depend on one's companion."

I looked at him pointedly. "That is always the case," I said, "whether one is in Venice or Venezuela."

"How do you know?" he asked laughing. "Have you ever visited Venezuela?"

"No. Nor Venice either."

"But you will one day, and when you do I hope it will be in the right company. I must confess never having been to Venezuela, but Venice ... well, that beautiful city is not unknown to me. I should like to show you Venice. You would enjoy that... drifting along the canals in a gondola ... or perhaps in Florence ... shopping on the Ponte Vecchio."

"I suppose we all have our dreams of seeing the world."

"The great thing is to put those plans into action. Don't you agree?"

"Let me give you some more wine." I was sorry I had spoken for it meant going near to him. His fingers touched mine as I gave him the glass.

"This is a very happy morning for me," he said.

I did not answer and he went on: "Will you ride with me tomorrow? I know of a very pleasant inn not far away. They serve the most delicious roast beef."

"It is out of the question," I replied. "I have commitments tomorrow."

"There is the next day."

"My time is fully occupied."

"What a busy young lady you are! I am determined to find some

time when you are free. I should like to see that establishment about which I have heard so much."

"Oh, are you interested in maps?"

"Fascinated by them. There is so much I want explained to me."

"Then you have come to the wrong person," I replied triumphantly. "I know little about them. You will have to go to the shop and ask them there. If my brother were here he would talk to you about that."

"Oh, so you have a brother?" Did I imagine it, or was he a little dismayed?

"Oh yes. He is away on some expedition. Exploring new territories. That's an essential part of map making."

"I see."

"He could have told you all you want to know. He was always very enthusiastic on the subject."

"He must be older than you."

"He is and he has never had much time to spare for his sister."

"Poor little lonely one!"

"Not lonely at all. I have so much to interest me. I don't really need anyone."

"So self-sufficient. That's a very good thing to be."

"I think so."

"Well, what about our outing?"

He was so persistent that it was difficult to give him a definite refusal without telling him the truth, which was that I did not like his company and that he faintly alarmed me in a way which I did not fully understand. It was instinct, I suppose. So I prevaricated.

"This week is out of the question. I am not sure about the next."

He understood, of course. He regarded me sardonically.

"I am determined to catch you one day," he said.

And his words sounded ominous.

How glad I was when he left.


March 10th

He has proved himself right. He has caught me at last. I wish I had the courage to tell him that I want him to leave me alone. One has been brought up with such a respect for good manners—one might say a reverence—that one is never able to be absolutely sincere.

So I have gone on eluding him, escaping as gracefully as I could. I guess he is the sort of man who enjoys a challenge and the more I am determined to escape, the more determined he is to catch me.

Yesterday was a lovely day. The fields were white and gold with daisies, buttercups and dandelions; and the horse chestnuts and sycamores were showing their green leaves.