Abbi Glines - Rush Too Far

The smell of Blaire hit me as I reached the top step, and I had to stop and grit my teeth through the pain. Just two hours ago, I had lain in that bed and held her in my arms.

I walked over to the bed, sat down, and picked up the pillow she’d been sleeping on and held it to my face. God, it smelled just like her. A sob broke free, and I fought to keep it back, but I couldn’t. I had lost her. My Blaire. I had lost my Blaire.

No. No. I wasn’t accepting that.

I stood up and laid the pillow back down reverently. I was going after her. I needed some clothes and my wallet. I was going to get her. She needed me. She didn’t want me right now, but she would after the shock wore off. I could hold her and ease her pain. I would hold her while she cried. Then I would spend my life making things right. Making her happy. So fucking happy.

I walked back down the stairs with my bag in my hands, while my mother, my sister, and Abe stood in the foyer talking about Blaire and what had happened, I was sure. I wasn’t listening to them. I was leaving.

“Where are you going?” my mother asked me.

“She held a gun to my head, Rush! Do you not care about that? She could have killed me!” Nan knew where I was going.

I stopped and looked at my mother first. “I’m going to get Blaire.” Then I looked at my sister. “You will learn to shut your fucking mouth. You said the wrong thing to the wrong person this time, and you learned a lesson. Next time, think before you spew shit.” I jerked the door open.

“What if she won’t come back with you? She hates us, Rush,” my mother said, sounding annoyed at the idea of her even coming here.

“If she won’t come back with me, then you all will have to move out. I will not live in my house with the people who destroyed her world. Decide where you plan to go, because I don’t want you here when I return.” I slammed the door behind me.

* * *

The eight-hour drive to Summit, Alabama, would have been easier if I hadn’t been tailing Blaire and also trying to keep her from seeing me. Hiding a black Range Rover on country roads wasn’t easy. I had to let her get out of sight more times than I wanted, but it was the only way to follow her. I had the small town plugged into my GPS, and luckily, Blaire seemed to be taking the same route the GPS suggested.

When I entered the small town, I saw that the Welcome to Summit, Alabama, sign was worn and in need of some new paint, but you could make out what it said well enough. I had let her get a good ten minutes ahead of me, because it was the only way to stay out of her sight. I pulled through the first traffic light. According to Google, this town had only three traffic lights. At the next one, I saw the cemetery sign and turned. The parking lot was empty except for Blaire’s truck and another truck. I didn’t park where she could see me; I made sure to park down the road a bit.

She had come to see her mother. And her sister. Had my heart ever truly broken for someone else like this? I had hated how Nan was neglected, but had I ever felt this kind of emotion for her pain? The idea of Blaire dealing with this alone was too much. She had to listen to me.

When I saw her blue truck move, I waited until I was sure it had pulled back onto the road before following at a safe distance. She turned right at the first traffic light and then parked at a motel. I was sure it was the only motel for miles and miles. As much as I hated the idea of her staying here, I was glad I wouldn’t have to do this at some stranger’s house. We had privacy here.

While she was inside getting a room, I parked my car and got out and waited. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say or if I was just going to beg. But I had to do something. Blaire stepped back out of the office, and her eyes locked with mine. Her step faltered, and then she sighed. She hadn’t expected me to follow her. Again, did she not understand how fucking crazy I was about her?

A car door slammed just as she started walking toward me, and she turned her head and frowned at the guy who had just climbed out of the truck, the same one I’d just seen at the cemetery. I knew without an introduction that the guy was Cain. The possessive way he watched her told me that he’d once had a claim on her. He just needed to know that the claim was no longer valid.

“I’m hoping like hell you know this guy, ’cause he followed you here from the cemetery. I noticed him on the side of the road watching us a ways back, but I didn’t say anything,” Cain said as he sauntered over to stand in front of Blaire.

“I know him,” Blaire said without pause.

“He the reason you came running home?” Cain asked.

“No,” she said, then looked back at me. “Why are you here?” she asked me, without coming any closer.

“You’re here,” I replied simply.

“I can’t do this, Rush.”

Yes, she could. I had to get her to see that. I took a step toward her. “Talk to me. Please, Blaire. There is so much I need to explain.”

She shook her head and backed up. “No. I can’t.”

I wanted to bash in Cain’s head. “Could you give us a minute?” I asked him.

He crossed his arms over his chest and stepped completely in front of her. “I don’t think so. It doesn’t seem like she wants to talk to you. Can’t say I’m gonna make her. And neither are you.”

I had started to move toward him when Blaire moved out from behind him. “It’s OK, Cain. This is my stepbrother, Rush Finlay. He already knows who you are. He wants to talk. So we are going to talk. You can leave. I’ll be fine,” she said over her shoulder, before unlocking room 4A.

She had just called me her stepbrother. What the fuck?

“Stepbrother? Wait . . . Rush Finlay? As in Dean Finlay’s only child? Shit, B, you’re related to a rock celebrity,” Cain said, his mouth going slack as he stared at me.

Just what I needed, a big enough Slacker Demon fan to know Dean’s son’s name.

“Go, Cain,” she said sternly, then stepped inside the room.

Blaire walked into the room and went to the farthest corner before turning around. “Talk. Hurry. I want you gone,” she said in a tight voice. you.” I should have told her already. I should have told her yesterday. I should have fucking told her the moment I realized it, but I hadn’t.

She started shaking her head. She wasn’t going to listen to me. I was going to have to fucking beg. I would fight enough for both of us.

“I know my actions don’t appear to back that up, but if you’d just let me explain. God, baby, I can’t stand seeing you in so much pain,” I said, pleading.

“Nothing you can say will fix this. She was my mother, Rush. The one memory that holds anything good in my life. She is the center of every happy childhood moment I had. And you . . .” She paused and closed her eyes. “And you, and . . . and them. Y’all disgraced her. The ugly lies that you spoke as if they were the truth.”

I hated myself. I hated the lies. I hated my mother and Abe.

“I’m so sorry you found out this way. I wanted to tell you. At first, you were just a problem that would hurt Nan. I thought you’d cause her more pain. The trouble was that you fascinated me. I’ll admit I was immediately drawn to you because you’re gorgeous. Breathtaking. I hated you because of it. I didn’t want to be attracted to you. But I was. I wanted you badly that very first night. Just to be near you. God, I made up reasons to find you. Then . . . then I got to know you. I was hypnotized by your laugh. It was the most amazing sound I’d ever heard. You were so honest and determined. You didn’t whine or complain. You took what life handed you and worked with it. I wasn’t used to that. Every time I watched you, every time I was near you, I fell a little more.”

I took a step toward her, and she held up her hands as if to keep me back. I had to keep talking. I needed her to believe me.

“Then that night at the honky-tonk. You owned me after that. You may not have realized it, but I was hooked. There was no going back for me. I had so much to make up for. I’d put you through hell since you’d arrived, and I hated myself for it. I wanted to give you the world. But I knew . . . I knew who you were. When I let myself remember exactly who you were, I would pull back. How could I be so completely wrapped up in the girl who represented my sister’s pain?”

Blaire covered her ears. “No. I won’t listen to this. Leave, Rush. Leave now!” she yelled.

“The day Mom came home from the hospital with her, I was three. I remember it, though. She was so small, and I remember worrying that something would happen to her. My mom cried a lot. So did Nan. I grew up fast. By the time Nan was three, I was doing everything from fixing her breakfast to tucking her in at night. Our mom had married, and now we had Grant. There was never any stability. I actually looked forward to the times my dad would come get me, because I wouldn’t be responsible for Nan for a few days. I’d get a break. Then she began asking why I had a daddy and she didn’t.” I needed Blaire to understand why I did what I did. It had been wrong, but she had to understand.

“Stop!” she yelled, moving back farther against the wall.

“Blaire, I need you to hear me. This is the only way you’ll understand,” I begged. The sob in my throat caused my voice to crack, but I wasn’t stopping. She had to listen to me. “Mom would tell her she didn’t have one because she was special. That didn’t work for very long. I demanded that Mom tell me who Nan’s dad was. I wanted it to be mine. I knew my dad would take her places. Mom told me that Nan’s dad had another family. He had two little girls he loved more than Nan. He wanted those girls, but he didn’t want Nan. I couldn’t understand how anyone couldn’t want Nan. She was my little sister. Sure, at times I wanted to kill her, but I loved her fiercely. Then came the day Mom took her to see the family her father had chosen. Nan cried for months afterward.”

I stopped talking, and Blaire sank down onto the bed. She was giving in and listening to me. I felt a small glimmer of hope.

“I hated those girls. I hated that family Nan’s dad had chosen over her. I swore that one day, I’d make him pay. Nan would always say that maybe one day, he’d come see her. She daydreamed about him wanting to see her. I listened to these daydreams for years. When I was nineteen I went looking for him. I knew his name. I found him. I left him a picture of Nan with our address on the back. I told him he had another daughter who was special, and she just wanted to meet him. To talk to him.”

I could see her do the math in her head. She’d lost her sister less than a year before I’d found Abe. But I hadn’t known. God, I’d had no idea. I had been trying to help my sister, not destroy Blaire’s life. I hadn’t known Blaire.

“I did it because I loved my sister. I had no idea what his other family was going through. I didn’t care, honestly. I only cared about Nan. You were the enemy. Then you walked into my house and completely changed my world. I always swore I’d never feel guilty for breaking up that family. After all, they had broken up Nan’s. Every moment I was with you, the guilt at what I’d done started to eat me alive. Seeing your eyes when you told me about your sister and your mom, God, I swear you ripped my heart out that night, Blaire. I will never get over that.”

I moved over to her, and she let me get closer.

“I swear to you that as much as I love my sister, if I could go back and change things, I would. I would never have gone to see your dad. Ever. I’m so sorry, Blaire. I’m so fucking sorry.” Tears were blurring my vision. I had to get her to understand.

“I can’t tell you that I forgive you,” she said softly. “But I can tell you that I understand why you did what you did. It altered my world. That can never be changed.”

A tear escaped and rolled down my face. I didn’t move to wipe it away. I wasn’t sure when I had cried last. I had been a kid. It was something I wasn’t used to anymore. But right now, I couldn’t keep it in. The pain was overwhelming. “I don’t want to lose you. I’m in love with you, Blaire. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone the way I want you. I can’t imagine my world now without you in it.”

“I can’t love you, Rush,” she said.

I let the sob I had been trying so hard to hold in break free, and my head fell into her lap. Nothing mattered. Nothing. Not anymore. I loved her completely, but I hadn’t been able to win her love in return, and without it, I would never get her back. I had lost. How would I live now that I had known life with Blaire? “You don’t have to love me. Just don’t leave me,” I said, and I let the sobs shake my body and buried my face in her leg. Had I ever felt so broken? No. And I never would again. Nothing could compare to holding heaven and losing it.