“I'm not as brave as you are, or as crazy. I'd be scared to death,” he said honestly with a look of horror, and she laughed. She didn't know why, but she felt right being out there, and was no longer scared. She hadn't even been as frightened as she would have expected to be when the addict pulled the gun on them, but she didn't say anything about it to Matt. He would have had her locked up, as he'd threatened to earlier. And nothing she had said so far had reassured him in any way.

“It's not as scary as you think. Most of the time, it's so touching, you just want to sit down and cry. Matt, it rips out your heart.”

“I'm a lot more worried that someone is going to put a bullet in your head.” It was blunt but expressed everything he felt. He hadn't felt as shaken by anything in a long time. Maybe not since Sally had told him that she was moving to Auckland with the kids. He was suddenly convinced that his newfound friend was going to die. And he didn't want that to happen to her, to Pip, or to him. He had a lot at stake now, and hadn't in a long time. He cared about both of them. His heart was at risk now too.

He put a log on the fire when they got back to his house. Ophélie had helped him wash the lunch dishes before they went out, and he stood staring into the fire for a long time, and then he looked straight at her. “I don't know what it's going to take to stop you from doing this crazy thing, Ophélie. But I'm going to do everything I can to convince you that it's a bad idea.” He didn't want to frighten Pip so he stopped talking about it, but he looked worried and upset for the rest of the afternoon, and he still was when they left. They already had a dinner date for Pip's birthday the following week.

“I'm sorry I told him about the homeless thing, Mom,” Pip said with obvious remorse as soon as they drove away from his house, and Ophélie glanced over at her with a rueful smile.

“It's okay, sweetheart. I guess secrets aren't a good thing.”

“Is it as dangerous as he says it is?” Pip looked worried.

“Not really,” Ophélie tried to reassure her, and believed what she said. She wasn't lying to Pip. She truly felt safe with the team. “We have to be careful, but if we are, it's fine. No one on the team has ever been hurt, and they want to keep it that way, and so do I.” Hearing that reassured Pip, and she looked over at her mother again.

“You should tell Matt that. I think he's really scared for you.”

“That's nice of him. He cares about us.” But the truth was that there were a lot of things that were dangerous in life. Nothing in life was entirely without risk.

“I love Matt,” Pip said quietly. It was the second time in two days she had said that about him, and Ophélie was silent on the way home. It had been a long time since anyone had cared about her in that protective way. Not even Ted. He hadn't paid much attention to her in recent years. He was too preoccupied with his own doings to worry much about her, but there was no reason to. The one Ophélie had always worried about, particularly after his suicide attempts, was Chad, and Ted hadn't worried about him either. He was for the most part extremely self-involved. But she loved him anyway.

Pip called Matt that night to thank him for the nice day at the beach, and after a few minutes, he asked to speak to Ophélie. She was almost afraid to pick up the phone, but she did.

“I've been thinking about what we talked about, and I've decided I'm angry at you,” he said, sounding almost fierce. “It's the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard, for a woman in your position, and I think you should see a shrink. Or go back to your group.”

“My group leader referred me to the Center,” she said sensibly, and he groaned audibly.

“I'm sure he never thought you'd join the outreach team. He probably thought you'd pour coffee, or roll bandages, or whatever it is they do.” He knew what they did. He had read the article she had given him. But he was obviously extremely upset.

“I promise you, I'll be fine.”

“You can't promise anyone that, not even yourself, or Pip. You can't predict or control what could happen out there.”

“No, but I could be hit by a bus crossing the street tomorrow too, or die in my bed of a heart attack. You can't control everything in life, Matt. You know that as well as I.” She was far more philosophical about life, and even dying, than she had been before Ted's and Chad's deaths. Dying no longer held the terror for her it once had. She knew that death was the one thing you could not control.

“That's less likely and you know it.” He sounded desperately frustrated, and after a few minutes they both got off the phone. She was not about to resign from the outreach team, and he knew it. He just didn't know what to do about it. But he stewed about it all week, and brought it up at Pip's birthday dinner again, after she went to bed.

He had taken them to dinner at a little Italian restaurant Pip had loved. The waiters had all sung “Happy Birthday” in Italian in resounding baritones, and he had given her some art supplies she'd been longing for, and a sweatshirt with “You're My Best Friend” painted on it. He had done the artwork himself, and she was thrilled. It had been a lovely evening, and as always, Ophélie was grateful to him. But she also knew what was coming next. She could see it on his face, and he knew she did. They were getting to know each other well.

“You know what I'm going to say, don't you?” he asked, looking serious, and Ophélie nodded, almost sorry that Pip had gone to bed.

“I suspect.” She smiled at him. It touched her that he cared about them so much. She cared about him too, and she realized each time she saw him how increasingly attached to him she was. She had come to expect him to be part of her life, and Pip's, in whatever form.

“Have you given it any more thought? I truly think you should resign from the outreach team.” He looked at her intently.

“I know you do. Pip said I should tell you that no one on the team has ever been hurt. They're careful and smart, and they know what they're doing out there. They're not fools, Matt, and neither am I. Does that reassure you at all?”

“No. All it means is that they've been lucky so far, and it hasn't happened yet, but it could, at any time. And you know that just as well as I do.”

“Maybe we have to have a little more faith than that. Maybe it sounds hokey to you, but I don't think God would let me get hurt doing something so worthwhile.”

“What if He's busy somewhere else on a night when you run into trouble? He has famines and floods and wars to take care of, not just you,” Matt said, and she couldn't help laughing, and finally he smiled.

“You're going to drive me crazy, you know. I've never known anyone as stubborn as you. Or as brave,” he said quietly, “or as decent. Or as foolish, unfortunately. I just don't want you to get hurt,” he said almost sadly. “You and Pip mean a great deal to me.”

“You mean a great deal to us too. You gave Pip a wonderful birthday,” she said gratefully. Her birthday the year before had been ghastly, only a week after her father's and brother's deaths. This one had been fun and as nice as Matt could make it. She was having a slumber party with four friends from school the following weekend, and she was looking forward to that too. But the dinner with Matt, and his gifts to her, had been a high point to her, and to Ophélie. She was just sorry that the outreach team and her work with them had become a bone of contention between them. She had no intention of resigning from the team, and Matt knew it. But he had every intention of continuing to reason with her about it, and put pressure on her to resign.

They finally got onto other subjects for the first time in a week, and they both seemed to relax over a glass of wine as they sat by the fire. It was so easy and comfortable being with him. She had never felt as at ease with any man in her life, not even Ted. And Matt was equally at ease with her. He looked happier when he finally left. He hadn't given up his pitched battle about her homeless work, and had no intention of doing so, but he also realized that he could have only so much influence on her, and for the moment it wasn't much. But he was doing the best he could, given the limitations of his role in her life.

And as she walked slowly up the stairs in the dark, to find Pip in her bed, as usual, she was thinking of him. He was a nice man, and a good friend, and she was lucky that someone cared about them. It had been a nice evening with him. Nicer than she wanted it to be in some ways. She worried sometimes that she was getting too attached to him, but she stopped herself from thinking of it. The situation between them seemed to be well in hand. He was her friend, and nothing more.

As he drove back to Safe Harbour, Matt was smiling to himself. He was a little shocked at what he had done before he had left her house, but it was for a good cause. The idea had only come to him as he sat next to her and happened to look past her at a photograph on the table. He had waited until she had gone to check on Pip, and then made his move. And as he drove home, thinking of the evening, and Pip's face when the waiters sang, there was a photograph of Chad in a silver frame lying on the seat, smiling up at him.





19

PIP AND OPHÉLIE DIDN'T SEE MATT AGAIN UNTIL THE father-daughter dinner nearly three weeks later. He was busy, so were they. He called to talk to Pip nearly every day. Ophélie tried to stay off the subject of the Wexler Center with him. She knew only too well how he felt about the outreach team. He wasn't angry at her, she knew, just frustrated that she refused to agree with him. And he worried about her, and Pip too.

He arrived for the father-daughter dinner in a blazer, gray slacks, a blue shirt, and red tie, and Pip looked proud when they left for the dinner, held in the gym at her school. Ophélie had dinner with Andrea that night, at a small sushi restaurant nearby. Andrea had hired a sitter, and was enjoying a few hours of being free.

“So what's happening?” she asked pointedly.

“I'm busy at the Center, Pip seems to be happy in school. That's about it for us. Everything's fine. How about you?” Ophélie looked well these days. Her work at the Center had done her good. Andrea could see it too.

“Your life sounds as boring as mine,” she said, with a disgusted look. “That's not what I meant, and you know it. What's happening with Matt?”

“He took Pip to the father-daughter dinner tonight,” Ophélie said innocently, teasing her friend beyond belief.

“I know that, you dope. What's happening with you and him? Anything?”

“Don't be ridiculous. He's going to marry Pip one day and be my son-in-law.” She looked pleased.

“You're sick. He must be gay.”

“I doubt it. But if he is, it's none of my business.” Ophélie looked unconcerned, and Andrea sat back with a frustrated look. She had recently started going out with one of her colleagues from the office, although Ophélie knew he was married. But that never seemed to bother Andrea. She'd been out with a lot of married men over the years, and said the arrangement suited her. She didn't want to get married, and didn't want a man underfoot all the time. But Ophélie had long since suspected that wasn't true. Especially now, with the baby, it would have been nice for her to get married. She just didn't have much faith that she'd find anyone anymore, and was willing to settle for whatever she could have, even if it was on loan and belonged to someone else.

“Don't you even want to go out with him?” It sounded unnatural to her. Ophélie was a beautiful woman, and she was only forty-two, nearly fortythree, but far too young to give up on men, and spend the rest of her life mourning Ted.

“Nope,” Ophélie answered quietly. “I don't want to go out with anyone. I still feel married to Ted.” And whatever she felt, or didn't, for Matt was irrelevant. They both liked the relationship as it was. Expecting more from it, or even allowing it to go there, if it did, was too high-risk for her. And she never wanted to spoil what they had now. But she said none of that to Andrea. Ophélie knew she would never have understood. She was far more given to self-indulgence than restraint, which Ophélie preferred.

“What if Ted didn't feel as married to you? What do you think he would have done if you had died instead? Do you think he would have carried a torch for you for the rest of his life?” Ophélie looked unhappy at the question. It brought up some old painful memories that Andrea was aware of. But it irked her to see Ophélie wasting her life. She didn't think Ted was worth it, no matter how much Ophélie had loved him. It just wasn't healthy for her to be alone forever because of him. And Ophélie was clearly determined to stay on the path of the celibate grieving widow for the rest of her life.